Clifford Van Meter is the man behind the new Avengers versus the Mutant Crab Bastards, a new series from Marvel which will be drawn by Dale Keown and inked by a perspiring rhesus monkey. Van Meter, who isn't Dutch, said, "These crab bastards are really cool, they like shoot lasers and shit from out of their feet! I'm really excited about this."
Goodbye 2!
Alex Segura is the man behind the new Justice League of Tasmania versus the Alien Lobster Fiends, a new series from DC which will be drawn by Adam Kubert and inked by a aspiring homosexual lamprey. Segura, who isn't Russian, said, "These Lobster Fiends are really cool, they like shoot lasers and shit from out of their feet! I'm really excited about this."
Acid Blood Bath Misery
Brian Michael Bendis and Ashley Wood have finally got out of their mutual bath of manfat and decided to team up on a new title for independent bravos IDW. Ring Peace is the tale of a socially dysfunctional gay boy with superpowers, who brutally rapes his way to the top of the superhero tree before finally succumbing to a woman that reminded him of his dead mother.
Ashley Wood has declared he will draw the entire series in spats.
Junk on my Trophy
Christopher Golden, a man who has seen Mike Mignola naked, is also a bit weird and covers himself in eels at least twice a week then sets himself on fire, while telepathically telling the eels to snuff out the flames. He does this while listening to Aphex Twin remixes of Aqua records.
Golden spoke to us from his hospital bed in the burns unit of Springfield Hospital, but as his tongue had been eaten by a rabid eel it was difficult to understand what he was saying.
White Wine and Cowboy Boots
Cranberry droppings are just one of the weird things in Brian Wood's new series X-Men: Pubic Fiasco.
Lead away by the Testicles
More news from Dark Horse and a welcome return for The Mask in a new 4-part series written by Andy Diggle and Dan Abnett and drawn by the insufferably dull polymath Bryan Hitch. The Mask: Eat My Shit Fat Boy is about a McDonald's worker who on inheriting the ancient artifact begins to defecate into customers' faces while simultaneously having sex with the 14 year old girls that continually hang around the place.
Drawn, Hung and Larded
A new series from DC Comics is sure to be a big hit amongst people with skin diseases. The new series, Batman: Scabs, is by Dean Haspiel and Liam Sharp and comes with a free bag of detritus. DC CEO Dave Gibbons said, "I'm what? Since when? Wow, that's way cool. My perfect son turned out gay..."
On My Own
The pathetic nature of things has meant that a play fight between Dylan Teague and Doug Braithwaite has meant that both men will have to serve at least 7 months in an all women prison. Caught on CCTV, the comics people did something and were then arrested, charged, brought before a judge and sentenced within 62 minutes of the offence taking place. Both men expect their 7 month sentences to have concluded by the end of this sentence.
Pathetic Penetration Skills
A new Daredevil mini-series by Gary Erskine and Geoff Johns has been cancelled because it is utter shit. One fan commented, "having DD fight a pity of jellied eels for 3 issues was just taking the piss, especially on the back of his 'epic' battle with his hairdresser Courtney.
Johns, who wrote some episodes of Smallville, said, "It's a shame because the next few issues were going to be really special. In one, Matt Murdock goes for a Chinese meal and has to, unexpectedly go for a crap; and in the other there's an altercation with a deaf priest in a hall of mirrors and some mozzarella.
Liberal Gusset
The formidable pairing of Dean Ormston and Dustin Nguyen for the forthcoming Secret Wars V: This Time There's Jelly Monsters From the Planet Pimbo Pluva has drawn gasps of astonishment from the Namibian High Council.
Goodbye 7!
Kieron Dwyer is the man behind the new X-Factor versus the Pink Wobbly Cretins from the Planet Earth, a new series from Image which will be written by Hunt Emerson and inked by a polymorphic abstract Roy Kinnear. Dwyer, who has no ability apart from being able to wipe his own arse, said, "These Pink Wobbly Cretins are really cool, they like shoot lasers and shit from out of their feet! They could almost be real. I'm really excited about this."
Vent
David Lloyd is having his wisdom teeth removed and replaced with transistor radios and small imitation models of a hot dog stand. He is also having one of his canine teeth carved into the shape of a very small and slightly deformed penis, in honour of his brother.
Next in line: Arab strap; safe gondoliers, wandering Hans, veiled threats 2, beatnik princes, Alison Goldfrapp, cheese creatures, pink fairies, crazy days, kaleidoscopic eyes, beauty dies, stars collide, letting go, so simple, away from me dark spot, marshes in time, cold sores, hot flushes, brand loyal, man and manfat, Bob Monkhouse - is it all right to talk about him now he's been dead for a while? Tin.
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