Desperate to remain a leading light in the comics book industry, Rob Liefeld (amazingly rarely seen in these pages) is to chop off one of his hands, live on television, to promote his new comicbook - The Hand of Sod.
Leifeld explained, "I realised that I'd spent so much time drawing badly and masturbating that tghe only thing I could do to prevent it would be to start drawing left handed and to chop off my right hand, which, to be fair, was beginning to small constantly of jizzum and smegma - not that I have a lot of smegma, because I'm always pulling my hood!" Lefield, 47, is considerably older than he looks, but has constantly failed to obtain himself even a mail order bride. His long time friend and colleague Erik Larsen said, "Rob Lefeild is a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body. He desperately wants to have sex with women, but almost always end up shooting his load into some black boy's anus. Rob has lots of black boys around his studio and all of them walk funny and wear nappies."
Polymer Capitalism
A truly remarkable thing has happened in the United States of Britain in the last week. The country has elected a new president, who as part of his inauguration speech suggested that tax breaks would be aimed at his favourite creators, even if they don't live there.
Britainshire's new top dog also said that he would banish Canadians from his country, claiming, "They're all paedophiles with good manners - that's disgusting!" One confident newspaper journalist questioned whether it would be better if Canadians were all antisocial and violent paedophiles and the President had the journalist decapitated in front of his adoring minions.
Leading Comics historian and screaming faggot Paul Gravel said he voted for the new man because he thinks he has more chance of getting support for his elderly mother than he has from the Social Equality Party who have ruled in this lands since the 1920s and have banned Nerd Hunting from the wastelands of Lincolnshire.
However, the rest of the Britisher press have yet to reveal the name of the new numero uno of Britland politics, but some people believe it might be Peter Hogan former DC employee and thoroughly decent average bloke (or so it says here on his press release).
Harmony Dung Beetle
Mark Millar is an impostor! The 47 year old Scottisher is in fact a complete construction by 53 year old civil engineer Alex Barfly. "About 15 years ago, after unsuccessfully attempting to break into the comics arena, I hired this young lad called Nick Boom from Glasgow to pretend to be a guy called Mark Millar. He took my scripts around to car boot sales, pubs and comics events and tried to sell them and eventually got a gig with DC and went on to become the greatest human who ever lived. Yet, there is strong evidence to suggest Mr Barfly is correct.
At this year's San Diego Comics Fuckaroo (as it has now been renamed), Millar (or perhaps Boom) was asked to quickly throw together a script involving three leading comics characters. The results featured Spider-Man, Superman and Spawn sitting on toilets and lighting their farts while getting pissed on strong industrially produced cider - which according to Barfly is what Boom does when he's not paid drug money to pretend to be Mark Millar.
Obviously this comes as a complete shock because most people thought Spidey, Supes and Spawn were out there fighting baddies and having complex lives; but instead they sit around in a Glasgow flat all day belching and trying to singe their anal hairs. One prominent blogger said, "Who gives a fuck about Millar, I want to see the kind of blow back that Kent achieves!"
Death by Chalky White
David Mack has been arrested for injecting heroin into a schoolboy's scrotum.
Salad Dream
Rancid beef was top of the menu for this year's Eisner awards dinner. This was because someone left the cow out in the rain. The big winners this year failed to show up and a host of unknown friends, acquaintances, editors and dinner ladies all lined up to collect the awards. Every single award this year was won by a South Korean creator who is believed to be dead.
Condom Parsley
Garcia Lopez has incredible powers of erectile ability. He can obtain an erection almost immediately and can sustain them for up to 6 hours. This makes him the most popular person in the world of sex starved superheroes - men or women. However, the young Mexican with the amazing penis has one slight problem - he has halitosis and cheesy feet. Obviously this looks like a job for the intrepid Deodorant Man, but he's off on the moon being diplomatic with the cheese people. It's up to the frightening Mega Clunge to help young Lopez in the arts of bathing, penile hygiene and how to pleasure a woman with a seven foot clitoris.
Vibrating Spoon
In a massive cut back on sexual content by Marvel, the almost puritan comics company (unless its decapitating gays) have announced that this year's Marvel Illustrated Swimsuit Special will be all text.
Claudia with Peat Balls
The image could become as iconic as the blood splattered smiley face on the cover of Watch Men - the 1980s historical series about clock makers. But the cover of Thug #1 could have an even more iconic image thanks to artist Matt Baker. It features just a can of Tenants Special, lying on its side, in a deserted road, with just a small child urinating furiously into the mouth of a wounded tramp. If you want to know why this image is so strange, you'll have to buy the complete 500 issue run of Fantastic Four and colour in the 20th letter of each comic red, these then form a word that spells out what Thug is all about. Or so someone said.
Eagles of Soft Fruit
The death of Frank Frazetta has meant that the sale of his stolen works can be hastened. DC, who stole the works many years ago, were trying to sell them as Boris Vallejo paintings and were even forced to remove the fantasy artists hands and tongue to prevent him from saying he didn't draw them.
Next time: Holly Bush - she's prickly; Banana Joe - he's thick and yellow. Joyce Danvers explains what its like to have a daughter who constantly dies and gets reborn and Steve Banner, Bruce's long lost half brother, spills the beans on how his shoes got stolen.
