Asphyxiated By Female Ejaculate

Strange Turkey

The new leader of the Labour Party in the Great Kingdom of Ingerland, Ed Millipede has publicly stated that he got elected on his two main policies - the fact that he has a larger penis than his brother Dave and he intends to revolutionise comics in the UK by subsidizing the industry when Labour get back into power. "United Britain lags behind even countries like Rhodesia in its production of comics; last year alone Siam produced more comics per square foot than we did. I intend to travel to Northumbria and Cumberland in the next few weeks to see what these counties can offer in a way of producing more better comics. I have a meeting with people in Malaya and joining the Dutch on an Antilles search."

When asked if he knew anything about the comics industry, Millipede took his trouser snake out, waved it at the Manchester crowd and said, "See it is bigger than David's!"

Bolshoi Toad

Frazer Irving has been named as the new artist on Ejaculate Now a modern reworking of Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Irving told us, "Do you know that Buy, Guy and Puy are the only words that end in UY? I am a fan of Pop Will Eat Itself and you are not my mum."

Apparently, after a journalist in Kent began stalking the young artist, he has since refused to release all his press releases through his mother, Beryl Irving. However, Mrs Irving has lived in Berlin since auditioning for the part of children's undertaker for an avant garde theatre production. She didn't get the job, but she liked Berlin so much she bought an apartment.

Larch Tree Incest

John Byrne's latest offering Die Nigger Scum is likely to cause some offence according to Mike Richardson of Dark Horse. "Yeah, it's inflammatory and inciteful." When asked what the last word meant, he quickly altered his stance and claimed the book would incite riots. The man responsible for some comics for the last few years went on to say, "John's been off the scene since he ate his own spleen for charity; this is a perfect way to reintroduce him to modern comics readers. It also acts as a handy handbook for offing jiggerboos who are disturbing your nice suburban neighbourhood. The first issus comes with dum dum bullets."

Recidivist in Dock

"I've never felt comfortable writing songs for comics," said Lady Gaga, posing in a Wonder Woman costume at the recent MTV awards. "Marvel produces three Lady Gaga comics, one for adults, and I have to write at least 15 songs a month and frankly that isn't taxing enough."

Entangled Frottage

Golf is back in the news and DC is producing Superman v Lex Luthor: The Belfry, a two part tale of the arch-enemies battle on a golf course for world supremacy. Carol Sugarak, the editor of the comic and possibly a made up spam name, said, "Golf is so big its almost as big as an elephant, but with smaller testicles. This could be massive; we're thinking of making it interactive." When asked when DC started to employ women again, we have not heard anything from her; but she did offer to sell me some Viagra.

Remnants

Garcia Lopez has officially retired from drawing and will concentrate on breathing now he has been diagnosed with lung cancer.

Flugle Hornrim Glasses

A copy of Strange Males #1 recently sold for over $1000 at an auction in Newark. When asked why this was worth so much money, the man who bought it claimed, "the artist spunked all over this issue's splash page. I'm going to try and clone him." We didn't fail to see the irony in his sentence.

Anteater Banana Bread

David Beckham's new comic Galaxy Stars, which depicts his US Soccer team as superheroes has flopped in the USA. It has however been a huge success in India, where they need something to block some drains for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games. Mrs Sheila Dikshit said, "Laugh at my name again you cunt and I'll have you!"

So Near Yet So Far: bathing beasties, fallopian tube blowers, titanic struggles, beef cake, boiled head, red mullet, ham burglars, vandal sags, opticians fluid, steak, various flies, meal worm, caustic soda bread, trained beagles and more.

Boiled in Semen

Tryptic Jostle

• Why bother with shaving unwanted pubic hair off when you can buy a comic called Pube Eater, a new kind of superhero from Tokyopop.
• Or, if you have trouble signing your name with your own jet stream of diarrhoea, then buy the new Diarrhoea Diaries from Dark Horse.
• If that doesn't appeal to you, then how about Gwenital Warts, a new adult themed Spider-Man book from Marvel.
• Alternatively, you could plump for Dysfunctional Lesbians about two girls who want to be gay but just love cocks and other male birds.
• From Avatar is a new William Bird book called 1001 Ways to Cook with Female Ejaculate, which is pretty self explanatory, except its written as a novel rather than a self help book.
• If you're in a playful mood, why not buy Avengers: Fuck You or even Captain America: Encased in Shit?
• DC is big in the trousers at the moment with 100 Best Superhero Erections and its follow up title The Next 100 Best Erections.
• Frank Miller is having his anus moved to his elbow for charity.
• Image Comics attempt to change the course of history with I Killed the Man who Impregnated My Mother with Me, but is actually redrawing a Betty & Veronica banned issue from the 1960s - the one where Betty becomes a hippy, gets her tits out a lot and smokes some grass.
• Illustrated Cello Stories is a new book from David Mack and tells of his lusting of cellos from all ages.
• Beats Me is a new comic from a small independent publisher about masturbatory abuse; it has just been optioned as a porn film for $30.
• The Hulk's 50th anniversary in 2012 is to be celebrated by a free gift being given away with each issue of the big green guy's birthday comic. real Hulk shit encased in quartz is being offered. ebaY expects a stample wave - which they described as a cross between a stampede and a tidal wave.
• On a similar theme, both Daredevil and the X-Men are threatening to boycott 50th anniversary celebrations because of pieces of plastic found in complimentary orange juice.
• Since being forced to reveal to the world how he actually works, Superman and the guide to his body reaches its 50th issue with a look at how the Man of Steel's butt hole works.
• Mark Waid's follow up to my daughter has been declined by several publishers. Waid's Britney about a comicbook writer who gets accidentally stuck in a lift with Britney Spears for two weeks, was said to be too close to reality for comics.
• Millennium Bookses new title 30 Days of the True Twilight Blood Diaries at Night with Vampire Slayers has been cancelled because the cover artist ran out of space.
• Imaginary Sculptures With Mucous is the new semi-autobiographical book from Jay Faerber; the 71 page graphic novel is drawn by Jae Lee.
• Neil Gaiman's new comic, The Cricket Massacres is not set inside a water vole as first reported.
• Ever popular comics review site Shoot Your Load has been closed down after a lawsuit from various publishers claimed that the website was being paid in under age prostitutes to allow bad reviews of their books, while favouring publishers who performed acts of sexual perversity on them.
• President Barry apologised to many people yesterday after a news story about comics found its way into White House briefings. Bazza explained that not everybody would understand.
• Human cloning gone wrong!
• Alan Davis has a family of hedgehogs held captive in the shed at the foot of his garden.
• Alan Moore is allowing his beard to write an issue of Batman.
• Howard the Duck's first public appearance in more than a decade resulted in the manduck being savaged by two pit bull terriers. Doctors are now fearful that the dogs might go mad.
• The horrors of testicular cancer are examined in My Balls at Your Disposal a new comic from the French.
• Aleisha Dixon is not the new writer on Flash.
• The latest offering from God comics is likely to cause offence in Muslim countries as Allah has again been portrayed in a non positive light. In Islam: Hot Bed of Gay Sex, Allah is portrayed as a pink flannelette wearing camp man wearing lipstick and happily wiping his festering penis on unsuspecting Christians. Muslims across the world just shrugged, wondering what the problem was.

Cross Porpoises

Never trust a man with a lemon.

Rancid Spleen Discharge

A Polygon of Virtue

After being fired from writing The X-Men for craftily blackmailing the editor to publish the story Laughing While All the children are Mutilated by Cretins, Mark Waid is back!

The 57 year-old former blondy haired man is writing a new series with Ron Lim doing the artwork. My Daughter is a strange book and is coming out from Top Shelf, mainly because it could be sold no lower on the shelves.

Waid, who held a massive press conference at the SDCC recently to unveil the project, explained a couple of extra details with me now that the restraining order has been lifted. "Obviously, as I have no children of my own, I had to use my imagination a lot on this," he said while eating a large plate of pasta fazool. "Ron really wanted to be involved in this project, but I explained to him that I really wanted either a paraplegic or an amputee to draw it. He was a real sport, he had his back broken and one of his legs amputated. I asked him if he could do without his left hand, but he has trained himself to masturbate with that hand, so it seemed a bit unfair."

When I asked him exactly the story was about, he told me this, "I'm focusing on the period between her 13th birthday and when she loses her virginity. A fourteen hour period of time. The action starts with me dry humping my car because my daughter has just started sunbathing in the garden and I'd not noticed what a fantastic pair of tits she'd developed over the summer.

"What happens next is pretty predictable. I watch all the hot blooded males walking past my yard ogling at my daughter with massive erections, so I decide that I'm not going to be able to survive knowing that she's just waiting to be raped by one of these pricks, so I decide to be her first fuck."

I pointed out that the subject matter was a bit, you know, stereotypical, especially of American men, but he just shrugged and continued, "The problem is, once I decide to do it I have to make sure it's done properly; so I kidnap her, anonymously, of course, and then subject her to all manner of horrible tortures I could dream up before finally relieving her of her cherry. There's a real shock ending!"

I ask him if his daughter knows it's him all along and loves it so much, she continues having an incestuous relationship with him? He nodded and broke down in tears.

Slap and Tickle

Is the world ready for Super-Pope versus Evil Pope? And if it is will Frank Cho be able to hold onto his load for long enough?

Super-Pope travels the world righting wrongs and ignoring anything in the name of God, but Evil Pope has a plan to give condoms to all the jiggerboos in Africaland. Super-Pope and his team of buxom super wenches attempt to take Evil Pope out. But the battle goes wrong and Super-Pope ends up getting involved in a 3-way with a condom-wearing Evil Pope and one of his flock. He falls pregnant with the Anti-Christ and is eaten alive by thrushes, from hell.

Frank Cho has recently converted to Catholicism.

Global Scrotum

A film about an ambidextrous amphibious cartoonist debuts at the Cannes film festival next year. It has no bearing on reality. Gay television.

Extreme Epiglottis

Did we ever agree on what exactly a lignum was.

Consoling words from the archbishop were not going to stop Peter Parker from starting a lesbian relationship with a vending machine.

Adoring Pubic

The news that the new redesigned Captain America is going to have a penis has shocked the world. That Hickman fellow who is responsible for the revamp claims its the only way to get fans reading the star spangled spastic's adventures again. "We thought of having a cock shaped shield, but opted instead for the penis outside the over-trunks look. Dale [Eaglesham] had a riot drawing many comedy penises. We also have a supporting cast that includes a felating llama, sixteen eyeballs and the theft of chops from a local butcher. This is cutting edge stuff, baby!"

La settimana prossima: Bisogni di Constance; gli shrews di balletto, i ramoscelli rabbiosi, i grandi seni con panna montata, i femmes violenti, pesci del gruppo, li hanno lasciati fanno un panino da questo, il letame della mucca del rhinestone ed i monaci criminosi and not forgetting bustine di tè macchiate merda Russa!