"I've always wondered if transsexuals got saggy breasts when they get older," said Jim Starlin when asked about his latest project. "I decided that this question should be the premise of my new series; so i took heaps of drugs and drank the blood of 8 year-old boys and came up with Drug Crazed Blood Lust Trannies and it comes out next week."
Anal Flute
The amazing life of a young woman in the prime of her life, who chose to follow comics creators around is to be adapted by Image Comics. I was a Teenage Comics Groupie tells the story of Cynthia Schitz, the infamous Madame of Marvel as she was known during the 1990s.
Schitz's story is simple; when she was 14, she attended a signing of Bill Sienkiewicz's Stray Toasters and caught the eye of the creator, as this excerpt from her memoirs reveals:
"It was a hit steamy August day, the temperature was touching 100 degrees and my brother billy wanted to go to Rocket Comics, our local store. He said that some freaky artist guy was doing a signing. I thought, 'hmm, the place is going to be full of smeggy dicks and fucktards, just the kind of place to show off my newly developed titties', so I put the smallest shorts on I could find and a really sheer chiffon blouse that really could disguise shit, no bra and to add a little twist, I had a little bit of blue string hanging from my crotch, which made it look like I was menstruating. Billy, being a fag, was more interested in the size of Peter Parker's cock than anything else, but had he been a heterosexual brother, he probably would have wanted to fuck me. Anyhows, we got to the store and there was a queue as long as Officer Dibble's erect penis. But they all parted, like the red sea or my minge after the principal had his way, and I waltzed straight up to Bill Sienkiewicz, who, it has to be said, was mightily impressed with the way my fat juicy nipples poked out of the front of my now unbuttoned blouse. He took me out back and on a box of old Batman comics, he gave me a 45 minute reaming that left my vagina blue and bloody, but streaming with spunk. I then told Bill how old I was and that if he didn't ensure that I slept with 100 comics creators before I turned 16, I was going to release the video I'd taken of him defiling my pussy and bum, with the camera that all good comics shop install in their stockrooms in case employees go for a quick wank."
However, in a bizarre twist, Sienkiewicz flatly denies these claims, "I didn't go on a signing tour of Stray Toasters and if she's talking about August 1988, I was in the UK at the time running a crack den for illegal immigrants with Alan Moore."
The Potsdam Treaty Explained
Since the cancellation and liquidation of Archie Comics last year, an entrepreneurial young Australian called Bradley Twong has purchased the company and will start producing new Archie Comics in 2011.
As you all know what's coming, I won't even bother.
Daft Cunt
TokyoPop are to release 1001 Things You've Never Wondered About in English and Ukrainian. The self-help manual that has sold over 1 billion copies in Japan alone and is expected to be the biggest selling chunky comic of the year.
The manual examines such things as what microscopic creatures live inside your partner's vagina, whether or not you can weave carpets from pubic hair, how to train wood lice, what its like to be a door, what it would be like to ejaculate on the moon, why don't we eat our dead, is it possible to have sex with a sperm whale and would it know, what lives inside hairy moles (the kind on your face), what do you do if an eight year old offers to perform oral sex on you and whether or not cats are likely to die if you tie them to a large fish.
Replay Hedge
Jim Woodring has been declared quite normal by a Milwaukee High court after complaints were made by the owners of a tadpole factory. However, the 53 year-old artist complained bitterly about only being declared 'quite' normal. "I'm totally fucking normal; none of this 'quite' shit. I ought to tip shit into their smoothies and make the fuckers give themselves enemas with the liquid." Said a justifiably irate Woodring at a nearby campsite for the bereaved.
Slap Festy
Bill Willingham lost his penis in a bizarre accident when he was 50 and now has to pee out of a soda syphon. This is not the Willingham who created comics and stuff, but a Waitrose employee from Chiswick.
Collecting Runny Poodles
Peter Parker is becoming a vegetarian, at least according to OK magazine. The periodical claims that Parker (believed to be in his 20s or 30s) has decided to give up eating meat, including fish, in favour of a diet of dead flies and sugar. When asked if flies were a form of animal, Parker's agent said, "Not if they're dead they're not."
The Girl with the Phenomenal Nipples
Marvel has been forced to apologise profusely after an unplanned wardrobe malfunction happened in a recent issue of The Defenders. It appears that one of the supporting cast, one of the ones not based on any one in particular, lifts her skirt and gives a full vaginal flash, revealing not a clitoral piercing, but also what looks like the string to two love eggs.
It was later divulged that the woman was actually Brandon Peterson wearing a latex clunge suit that he has been helping to market for Mattel. Some people will do anything for some free PR.
The Drawbacks of Dry Intercourse
Sadly the funeral of Matt Wagner has had to be postponed yet again because the creator has still not died. Wagner who is believed to not be suffering from any terminal illness was given between 1 and 50 years to live by a specialist in 2003. This prompted many fans to ask if Gareb Shamus is still alive and whether he still has some brain function.
Atrium of Terror
The Metal Men are being brought out of cold storage to help in the advertising promotion for a new kind of haemorrhoid cream. Doc Magnus restores the team, but with one fatal flaw - they all have irritable bowel syndrome and can't shit straight. It's up to Tina and Doc Magnus to administer Wipex Pile Cream to their sore bottoms before the world is taken over by a huge shit eating monster from the metallic planet of Dump.
Next week: Barrington Wedgely on his successful rise from idiot to asshole; the state of play, large glasses, pounds of flesh, hooting crayfish, ear skin, glue vine, glue ear, glue stick, glue pot, gloop, vengeful spirits, Bill O, poor slip, cow slip, cock slip, slap and treacle, acoustic orgasm, ventricle ape, show us yer tits, artists in drag, writers with herpes; the Dutch's cap, rest in piece, knobchys und flung
