Tiger Woods ate my cock (and other chicken stories)

Quite possibly the oddest, yet slightly moving, thing I saw this year was watching a 56 year old Croatian woman masturbating furiously on the bed, in the house opposite. It made me realise that old ugly and fat women can have orgasms too!

This has been an exciting year for letters and to prove it, here's a selection of letters from my bulging post bag:

Dear David, you are a cunt and have stolen my life. Please give it back. Love Dave Scott (the real one).
David, I know a girl who loves having sex with me, but doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me, because she prefers being treated like shit by her husband. What should I do?
Buenos Nachos Davide, comics news is good, more sex please.
Dear Dave, I love you.
Dave, recently I started work on a pornographic version of the Fantastic Four, completely unauthorised, but have spent most of the time wanking over every naked picture of Sue Storm. Is this normal? Signed John B (Canada)

It's always nice to receive letters. But stop it now.

I've had loads of news and gossip about some of the complete and utter no marks that currently work in comics, but frankly you'd rather hear about what sexually depraved teenagers do to blow up dolls, wouldn't you?

I'm going to get drunk. Nothing ever happens this time of the year and currently most are jizzlobbing in Brittany's direction, anyhow.

Next: toys with cocks; sexual jelly babies, comics with bananas, radioactive health warnings; bromide drinking donkeys, attack possums, beer drinking faggots, loved-up Tupperware, congenital birth defects; inclement soup; rustic nudity and brainstorming breasticles. I hope you all die at Christmas!

Women who Urinate while Standing

The Butterfly in your Large Intestine

Mark Millar's decision to remain as lead writer on Marvel's new Captain America series has not gone without notice. Millar, 51, of Scotland, had already caused controversy by announcing that the new Captain America would be an openly camp gay male, who was 'just as prone to scratching your eyes out as giving you a good kicking', according to Millar's young female assistant, Astrid.
Once the New York Times picked up on the story all hell broke loose on the noticeboards and forums throughout the Interweb. However, Millar hit back by sending Astrid for an interview with the Daily Bugle. The young female assistant has this to say about the controversy; "Look, it's not like this is going to be an R rated comic. Yes, the new Stevie Rogers will wear some pink and he will be sensitive and kind to animals and he will, occasionally find himself sexually aroused in the presence of a really fit supervillain, but all of this will be to his advantage; especially with some of those oh-so sexually ambiguous new super baddies that Mark has invented."
This could be where some of the outrage is centred on. Millar's new Cap nasties will include Jap's Eye, Ballbreaker, Rimmer, the Felchmaster and a new, as yet un-named gaylord of crime. Gay Times called it an outrage, claiming it set back gay rights 2000 years, especially as Stevie Rogers, drawn by notoriously closeted gay shirtlifter Frank Cho, will look like a Tom of Finland creation. Ira Lardon, someone in the Gay Times office at the time we sent someone there, said, "The problem with Captain America is he's an American icon, not a gay icon. I just get a bad taste in my mouth thinking about it; I obviously also get a massive erection and go cruising for like minded men for anal sex, but that's because there's something wrong with my chromosomes."
Marvel has been suspiciously quiet about this product and justifiably so as they are now firmly placing their penis of intent in the anus of DC's most sacred pastures. Bob Wayne said, "Why do you always ask me the gay questions? Not everyone at DC is homosexual,... Well, I'm not, but they need me to be able to talk to people who live further south than Washington. DC thinks its deplorable that Marvel should be allowed to do this with such a prominent and popular character. At least they're keeping the cum shots to a minimum, so Phil will be pleased about that. Phil has a real thing about escaped jizzum."
The last word however went to Astrid, who after several Martinis and a few pints of Guinness admitted that the gay Captain America story was a ruse and Cap just poses as a gay man so he can infiltrate the Gay Men Who Want to Rule the World Club and kill all the fundamentalist gay terrorists, of which, apparently, most gay men belong to.

Lemon Territory

The latest in IDW's new educational line is released in January. How to Wipe your Ass is designed for people who struggle to wipe their behinds. The young girl called Emma who answered the telephone was very helpful, even down to explaining in great detail her boss's cock and how she has to suck it twice a day or she'll lose her $75 a week job. What she didn't want us to repeat was that her boss makes her dress up as a little boy and refuses to have sex with her until she grows a penis.

Lunch with Mary

Remember one-time Man-Thing artist Val Mayerik? Well, despite people believing him to be dead, he isn't and he's been retired for the last 20 years. He did however kill Sal Trapani over the correct use of the word 'yoni' and disguised the body to look like his own. Man-Thing was unavailable for comment.

Keep the Black ones Penned in

Racism raises it's ugly head again in DC's Black Lightning series, as Black Lightning begins a one-man reign of terror on two Chinese, a Hispanic and a Swedish family in Milwaukee; claiming that America is a country for niggers and honkies only. Tony Isabella isn't writing it and wasn't asked if he wanted to. He believes it was because he is black.

Next: A sturgeon is chosen to write The Hulk; a tumour is discovered in Janet Jackson's shoe; several pounds of plastic explosive have been surreptitiously implanted in Scott Lobdell's teeth; Lex Luthor believes he might be made up and sticking with this theme, Erica Durance claims she has considerably better tits than the real Lois Lane; people with brass lungs tend to die quickly; Linsner's back with Dawn: Fisting and Fanny Farting; Warren Ellis writes a noir crime thriller for the retarded; Joyce Chen's vaginal plaster cast mold; the extent that Roy Thomas will go to ensure that Stan Lee's missing prostate gland is found; several pounds of tea have been mistaken for Aaron Weisenfeld and a picture of either a man or a famous female comics artist called Gail Simone's pubic hair - and trust us when we say, she's a bit of a baldy and there's no Imac in sight!

My life for a good Sex Cheese!

Unequivocal Fondant

Quite why Courtney Cox wanted to write an autobiographical comic book account of the number of times she was fingered by someone else, since her first sexual experience when she was 13, is any body's guess, but she's managed to snare Mike Allred to draw it and David Schwimmer to narrate the audio comic!

On a promotional tour to promote her new promotion, Cox told Mike Really of Fux News, the reasons behind her decision, however, she was not prepared for what happened next...

"I decided I wanted to do a comic book about my earliest sexual experiences because I thought they'd look cool on paper. I chose the people to do it on the strength of who drew me looking prettiest and the accuracy of how they drew my vagina. I had over 200 artists all drawing my vagina at one point; they were all crammed into this small room at the Ritz Carlton, with drawing boards, digital cameras and tissues."

Do you really think that people would want to see a comic book about Tom Sellick's masturbatory adventures?

"Um, well, I probably would. Depends on whether or not it's Tom doing it to himself or others doing it. If it was a fantasy comic and Tom was being wanked off by Brad Pitt or Lee Majors then I'd definitely buy it."

Don't you think that a comic about you being fingered is a bit selfish? I mean, what does a boy get out of fingering a girl? He has a stinky finger, if she's not the cleanest girl in the world, and he can boast to his friends that he's had a bit of pubic action. If you're the sort of girl who can cum just by having your bits fiddled with you're going to be all right, aren't you? You can have an orgasm and love it and the poor boy is just sitting there with this massive hard on and you don't even think about giving him some relief do you? God people like you make me sick!

"Oh."

Baghdad Bill-a-bong

There's a war raging between two artists after it was disclosed that the two of them tried to do something that just isn't quite right...

In June 2007, Erik Larsen met Gary Larson at TwatCon7 in Muncey, Idaho. The two of them, thinking they were related hatched up a scheme where by they had a child who would have all the unique qualities of Gary and would get rid of the unique qualities Erik has. The problems started when they decided to have the child together, Erik continues, "We hired a hotel room, got naked and decided to have sex with each other. I went for the only orifice that would comfortably take my erect penis and to be honest it was a little like having a wank with a shit encrusted hand. We did this loads of times, but after 9 months there was still no baby in sight."

Gary added, "It was horrible. I have nothing against homosexuals or weirdo fucking perverts that want to fuck women up the, um, Gary, but seriously, it just feels like you want to take a big shit. I don't know whether or not my prostate is fried, but I got nothing out of it apart from a leaky bottom."

Rabbi in Rabbit Hunt

Dark Horse Comics launch their new Pornographic Pony line in January despite protestations from a local gymkhana, who are dead against the first of the imprint's new line. Mrs Abigail Horrsing said, "Its nonsense to suggest that girls' fall in love with ponies. Yes, they might enjoy healthy sex lives away from the prying eyes of those who don't understand, but to say the girl's are in love with the ponies is stupid. I've told all my girls that the biggest benefit from having a pony cock shoved inside you is it helps in later life with childbirth and will give future boyfriends the chance to experience fisting. To do a comic pertaining to be about the love affair between a girl and her pony is just sick."

Divorce my Kidney

Jack Pallance was gay! This is the assertion made by Jim Shooter in his new comic Bollocks Uncovered! The new comic drawn by David Lapham insists it will tell untold tales of the entertainment industry from a perspective never done before in a comic, from inside the stars' anuses.

This sounds suspiciously like a story we ran recently that didn't involve Shooter or Lapham - which, if you had a twisted mind you could see something definitely homo-erotic about both their surnames.

Scientology Scientist Senses Sentience in Snark

Polished and immaculate; just two words that I just plucked out of thin air that suitably describe the new artificial limb that Tom DeFalco has just been fitted with.

Violent Fens

Organist and part-time comics artist wanted, will supply own goat.

Next time: people with hairdos that smell of cheese; weirdos with cheese people for friends; beauticians with multiple sclerosis and massive dildos; obstetricians with hard ons; basic animal first aid, an exclusive interview with a helicopter pilot and footage of Stan Lee's latest enema. Crack on!

The Squallid Perfume of Depravity

Rancid Cranium

DC's hostile takeover bid to try and buy Finch's Electricals on the Edgeware Road, in Harrow, has backfired, with the Middlesex-based company turning the tables and attempting to buy the struggling comics company by offering Warner Bros. execs free DVD players with bluetooth headsets.

John Finch, son of the owner, said, "We're throwing in a load of Scandinavian and Balkan gay porn films, we should own Superman by the end of the week. One of the first things I intend to do is write Superman and change his name to Superior Man and his secret identity to John Finch, electrical engineer by day, cool dude at other times." John Finch is 16, he works in the shop on Saturdays and school holidays.

Aluminium Doorstep

The big Marvel news this week is the release of Batman #1. When asked by reporters about the probable legal implications of releasing this particular comic, Joey said, "So, you don't want to hear about Superman #1, Wonder Woman #1, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, Justice League of America and Blue Devil number ones, then?" The gathered press looked stunned...

"Look, we fucking own everything, if not legally then morally. DC has been shit for years; it's run by a bunch of gay cowboys with less combined talent than I have in one of my fecal stools. We're just going to do it right."

"When approached, Bob Wayne hid behind a palm tree and only spoke through a third party, "We sent a lawyer over there last week but he disappeared and we had the Danish pastries returned, uneaten. We might have to go to court over this one, but we're a little concerned about bias on the part of the judge, Supreme Justice Ralph Disney. Now, please go away, I have need to urinate and I won't do it in front of you."

Back at Joey's Deli, the fat man was inserting matchsticks up his nose using just his tongue; the press were eating from in between his toes. "Marvel's Batman will be the one everyone will remember in 467 years time. Our Batman focuses on Brad Wayne, a young street punk who gets bitten by a radioactive mutant bat, while his godparents are brutally murdered by a man that plays deadly practical jokes with fish. We don't need no stinking Jim Lee."

What's Superman about? Cried a voice in the wilderness.

"We wanted to do something really different with Superman, so we changed his costume slightly and Clark Kent is now MC-K and is a Metropolis DJ working for Radio Planet . He's cool and everyone knows he's Superman except his parents. His major villain is a bald guy with loads of money called Les."

Collagen Enema

Dark Horse, always at the forefront of world comics, is to adapt the world famous cartoon from Belarus, пятно. It tells of the philosophical musings of a black spot on a silk shirt belonging to a well-to-do lady. Regarded by many as the ultimate comic book experience, it is regarded by others as complete and utter wank.

An Admiration for VSPs

Despite having sold more comics than a dairy sells milk; Mark Waid is about to embark on a personal quest of his own after announcing he was taking a break from comics to go in search of his original penis.

Waid discovered recently that when he was 6, his parents had his abnormally large penis removed, for the safety of everyone, and replaced with the penis of a 5 year old child that died in a tragic drowning accident - after accidentally setting fire to his child, Hank Cunstrum of Widge, Idaho, threw his son, Ralph, into a very deep lake, but forgot to take the child's callipers off, so the weight dragged him to his death.

The recipient of Waid's penis is currently serving 27 life sentences for aggravated rape, kidnap, attempted murder and flashing; all charges happening since he received Waid's penis.

"It's not like I want it back or anything," said Waid from his floating sky mansion, "I'd just like to see how its done without me. I don't expect we'll be going out to dinner, but I think we can... iron out some of the problems that have grown between us."

Scottish Lager?

Alan Moore has been issued with an ASBO after repeatedly attempting to turn his neighbour into a frog and performing lewd acts against the man's privet hedge. "I don't care how popular he is. I found him trying to suck the eyeballs out of my Yorkshire terrier and he was chanting about some fucking goddess of light who will take away the dark. If the man wasn't so big and weird looking I'd call him a big poof. He hangs around with darkies too."

The local ASBO shop refused to comment, but one of them said, off the record, that they were thrilled to have someone of Moore's stature on their books. "He brings a whole new meaning to ASBOs; business is expected to boom!"

Titular handclappings

The industry is still reeling from the news that Erik Larsen has died at his home; good money was that the 54 year-old artist would die in a prostitutes bed in East LA. One bookmaker claims they could end up with profits in the hundreds of millions of dollars, especially as Marc Silvestri had all but assured investors that Larsen had been having so many palpitations during oral sex with a specific prostitute called Slack Alice that he didn't expect he was live to see the next watermelon harvest.

Larsen's wife was unavailable to comment, but Savage Dragon sent a communique to us via electronic wizardry, "The news came as a shock to me, but I'm now free to find an artist who actually draws me like I look."

Savage Dragon currently hosts Celebrity Squares for the CW.

Pro-Celebrity Bukakke or Bukkakeru

Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes never said it, but, boy do them jiggaboos sing and dance. Image Comics is to produce an entire series based on the history of breakdancing.

Raster My Quim

Pretty much every copy of Marvel's latest blockbuster has been bought up, prompting the world's largest company to go back to the printers for 2nd printings. The book, which came out last month, is one of the company's new line and was not expected to be as successful as it turned out, with an initial print run of only 15,000,000. A further 10,000,000 copies are being printed with the cover logo in red instead of the initial blue. A spokesman for Marvel said they were delighted with the reaction. "All of us here at Marvel are delighted with the reaction," he said.

Lipids

Hellgirl Burlesque Porn Extravaganza in 3D is further proof that Mike Mignola has sold out big time.

Duck Balls

Georges Jeanty would like people to stop going on about the fact he once worked with retards before getting into comics. "It's really depressing, y'all. I had tu wipe their asses for thim, ma drawn finger was alaways covered in sheeit. I like drawing them comics, I do."

Oo-er, Missus

Fantagraphics is releasing Dave Cooper's new book The Times I Had Sex with God which could cause outrage in the Christian church because of the fact the book's protagonist actually has a love affair with the omnipresent one. When asked to explain his book to a confederation of church people in Utah, Cooper masturbated furiously and quickly climaxed; he then gathered up his spent seed and began to wipe it in the eyes of the nuns. Remarkably, this obscenity was greeted with a round of applause and one young girl defecated on a man of God's shoe. People didn't approach Cooper because he was still grinning.

Next time: the story I forgot mid-sentence; DC attempts to hit back at Marvel in the face of a massif takeover bid, new titles include 22 top secret projects and a leaked plan for the office Christmas party; Andrew Wildman discovers he's only given employment because some people think he has a cute arse; a frank and sometimes painfully erotic interview with a young Polish girl, who may or may not have been married to pal Joey; and will you have this dance?

It's Show Time

Elephant Tits

Joyce Chen has become the first woman to win the Nobel prize for Comics since it began in 2008.

Ms Chen won the prize with fellow American Ben Raab for their separate work in comic governance. The Nobel Memorial Prize in Comic Book Art is the last of the sixty-two Nobel prizes announced this year. Since 2008, it has gone to Americans 24 times.

Last Friday, US President Barry Obamalamadingdong was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize - though this aroused some controversy, especially as the favourite, Jim Shooter, mysteriously disappeared prior to the announcement in Stockholm.

BBC Comics editor Stephan Flangers said the judges had rewarded work in areas of comics whose practitioners' "hands were clean" of involvement in the global ink crisis.

'Great surprise'

The comics prize was not among the original Nobel awards, but was created in 2008 by the Swedish supergroup Abba in Alfred Nobel's memory. The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences cited Chen, who lives in Indiana, "for her analysis of comic governance," saying her work had demonstrated how having a great set of tits can strongly influence these Swedish judges.

Chen told Swedish television that she was "in shock" at being the first woman to clinch the award, adding winning had been a "great surprise and now all she wanted to do was go back to her hotel room and masturbate furiously to several orgasms". This was met with howls of approval from the Swedish guys.

Lime Sausage

The number of new comicbooks released fell slightly in August to 53,000 from 56,000 in July, the Council of Comics Counters (CCC) says.

That total was still 29% higher than in August last year. But the CCC's figures indicate that sales may have reached a plateau, with first issue buyers still having to put down very large deposits to ensure they get the right books.

The value of total first issue releases, which includes reissues and reprints and buy-to-invest deals, was down 36% on a year ago.

'Utter horse cock'

"Comics purchase activity has revived from its moribund state at the beginning of the year," said the CCC's chief comicist Pablo Escobar Gonzalez Nudd. "It will be utter horse cock to suggest, with seasonal ups and downs, that we won't reach our targets of counting comics. The good news for publishers is that comics purchase activity is now on par with equine porn."

The CCC's figures show that in August the average first-issue buyer was also buying large quantities of soft tissue and handy wipes. Two-thirds of all comics deals currently available stipulate clean hands and a certificate of non-self-abuse from a sanctioned doctor.

Astro Panther

Just when you thought it was safe to find black heroes passe, Marvel conjures up more amphetamine fuelled action.

Marvel's promise to release over 3000 new titles a year continues apace with the release on Monday of Astro Panther, which follows the adventures of a panther in space. Also on Monday are Spider-Man: The Toilet Diaries #1, Scabies Dancer #1, The Avengers: Korvac Again, FFS #1, and Gamma Toad #1. On Tuesday: Luke Cage: Hero for Hanging #1, Scarlet Witch: Porn Wars #1, The Unconvincing Iron Man #1 (one of Marvel's new line of asking anyone who fancies having a go at producing a comic to have a go) and The Human Slug #1. On Wednesday there's another 16 new titles coming out, the highlight being The Acrylic Spider-Man. Thursday's highlight is hidden by towers of dross and Friday sees the new series from Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely - Earth P. More of that in the next story.

Envelope Obliteration

Still reeling from the world's reaction to the first fully washable porn comic, the two hottest properties in comics move the goalposts so far apart you can see tonsils.

Morrison and Quitely are the two biggest names in comics; maybe not the longest, but certainly worth more per square millimetre of letter than almost anyone else, release Earth P on the Marvel Outrageous Frontiers Imprint this week. This top secret project has even been out of bounds to me and all the offers of sexual favours under the moon and stars couldn't persuade the normally persuadable to part with gems of wisdom and spoilerisms. But now I can reveal the story in full...

Earth P is a What If the planet accepted paedophilia as the norm and the worst offenders were the super powered beings, because they can get away with it. Written with the intention of showing the world just how cruel and nasty nonces are, but could fall foul of the newly-formed Comics United in Decency Committee or CUNT DC because of the graphic depictions of spit-roasted 9 year-olds and setting an entire issue from the perspective of a 12 year old rent boy's anus. Morrison told me to 'fuck off' when I contacted him, but his sister Mary said it all springs back to his days when he was abused by Mark Millar's father.

Drain Cooler

The hometown of Superman could be demolished for a new housing estate for Metropolis; can Smallville halt the march of time now that Jonathan Kent is dead and Clark is working as a stripper in Montana? We sent Don Brabbage, our new intrepid reporter to find out. Unfortunately he was hit by a truck just outside Metropolis and died on his way to the hospital and as I still have several restraining orders preventing me from going to Metropolis that's the end of that story...

Stadium of Minge

John Byrne's latest offering pits a 200 foot tall Amazon woman against a midget with foetal issues; is Byrne just fucking mad or is there a method to his depravity?

Mott and the Midget is the a new Dark Horse series from master of blah, John Byrne. The Walsall born naturalised Canadian with a beard hatched the new series after dreaming he was being eaten by his wife's engorged and giant vaginal labia. Byrne said of Mott, the 200 foot tall heroine in the series, "Mott is a 200 foot tall heroine in this series and naturally if she's 200 feet tall then everything about her is going to be proportionately massif, innit?"

When asked about the midget, Byrne said, "Small chaps, under 3 foot tall. You must have seen them being thrown about bars in Australia. All the rage in the late 80s, I even had one in Alpha Flight." What does the midget do? "Oh, bonza, I understand now, mate. Imagine a hippo and one of those birds that feed off their backs? Yeah? Well, this isn't like that. This is about a woman in search of proper feminine hygiene aids with a cunt the size of your bathtub. The midget likes hiding in tight warm places because of his fear of otters. Instant smash hit that's why I'm doing all the lettering in marker pen."

Strange and Beautiful

Duvet thefts are on the increase and fingers are being pointed at Stan Lee, despite the octogenarian being given immunity from prosecution.

Peter David is the latest 'big' name to sign a petition to have the former head of Marvel jailed; is this the right thing to do with a living legend? "No. Categorically not. If this man had been alive during the second world war he would have joined in the holocaust willingly!" Shouted David down the phone at me. But he was alive during the second world war, he won 42 silver stars. "That's neither here nor there, he's antisemitic or whatever the word is and this incident with the duvets proves it without a doubt. Can't you see that?"

A Corsican banker called Leopoldo, who might really be Russian, had his mobile phone stolen near Lee's house in December and claimed he was mugged by a man who looked like a shredded wheat and the colour of amber. Photofit pictures suggest that if it wasn't Lee it was possibly Tom Cruise.

Scrambled Legs

Research shows that 86% of comicbook creators earn less than $4.23 a month and many will starve by 2011.

With over 2¼ million artists, writers, inkers, colorists, letterers, editors and gophers currently working in the USA alone, it is feared that unless the major publishers can continue to produce 20,000 new comics a year, many will starve or even end up eating rats.

Of the 14% that earn more, only 3% earn enough money to maintain their mansions, the other 11% can just about pay the mortgages on their ocean liners. George Twatt of the CBLDF said that unless publishers start producing more comics, people will die. "Unless publishers start producing more comics, people will die!"

Next time: pictures from Colleen Doran's Ann Summer's Party; photos of Scott Summers' birthday party and some handy tips about how to get blood stains off your ceiling; the large intestine of a small mammal examined and the small intestine of a large mammal eaten after pickling; Image Comics employ a crab and IDS publisher William Christenson finds his belly button.

The story so far...

The year is 2009.
The place is New York City.
Comics are bigger than Beyonce's booty and the world's biggest celebrities are fighting over which comic book to endorse.
DC Comics is completely run by very camp homosexuals, apart from transvestite Bob Wayne, who has refused, point-blankly, to take it up the Gary since he's worked there. His one concession is to wear his mother's dress.
Marvel Comics has recently purchased Disney Corpse, Coca Cola and Sony and is attempting to by Zimbabwe, which many believe will cost them considerably less. The company has the biggest selling comics on the planet, with titles such as the Unfathomable X-Men selling 20 to 30 million copies a week.
Dark Horse Comics and Image Comics are both massive players, but the former specialises in Star Wars spin-offs and failure, while the latter produce the world's biggest line of sex comics - with over 200 different titles ranging from straight masturbation manuals to full on paedophile orgies; they secretly rule the world from their deck chairs in Malibu.
There are a group of smaller independent publishers, producing the gross GDP of a small European country and the world is down to its last million hectares of rain forest.
The major players in the comics world for the last 20 years are in fear of their lives from the latest group of hot new talent to arrive on the block, with riots and street fights on Madison Avenue between the young and the old. The old held out, but it won't be long before the new order usurps the old and we see even better comics.
The richest man on the planet is undoubtedly George Lucas and he controls the world's economy from a huge sphere that floats over the Azores. When he isn't doing this he's working on the final trilogy of the Star Wars saga, the first of which, we can announce exclusively, is to be called Star Wars, Part 7: C3P0 Umpires Nude Tennis and takes place 300 years after Luke's death. An outline follows in negative for those of you that hate spoilers:
C3P0 is now emperor of the known galaxy, ably assisted by R2D2, who has had his communications device switched off. C3P0 is obsessed with genitals, so order all fit and attractive young people in the empire to play nude tennis at least 3 times a day, even the Jedi knights. This angers young Stropè Boogar, a Jedi apprentice with an unfeasibly small penis, but massive scrotum into forming a new branch of the Sith. It's up to C3P0 and a new group of sexy Jedis to try and save the empire while simultaneously losing its dignity.
Sounds pretty flaming brilliant, doesn't it? But, we're getting away from the purpose of this re-introduction.
Back in the 90s, a young man called David Scott decided to use the new fangled interweb thingy and produce the world's best infotainment column, and he did with knobs on. By the turn of the century, he was almost as famous as Pope Steve the first and his column was read by over 5 billion people weekly. He was as Godlike as a godlike thing and my name is David Scott!
I've been away; but I'm all better now and over the next million weeks or so I'm going to dazzle you with info about all your favourite everythings. Interviews with the stars, exclusives and more sex than you can shake your crusty member at.

And what about this for an exclusive to kick the week off! Roger Stern is to be released early from prison, after serving only 5 years of his quadruple life sentence for killing 23 Hell's Angels in Pasadena. For those of you with poor or short memories, Stern was driving across California when, unprovoked, he stopped his car and began to tear bikers arms and legs off, ripping their hearts out and generally causing more mayhem than an Auschwitz oven salesman. Well, it seems after tireless work by a team of lawyers, they've proved that it wasn't Stern who committed the murders, but someone who looks a lot like him but as strong as Superman...
I can reveal exclusively that Stern and Superman were lovers back in the late 1980s; it was during Superman's experimental phase, when Frank Miller wanted to do something post-post modern with the character and Phil Jiminez wanted to draw Superman porn. The two men kept their dalliance secret for many years because of the damage it did to Stern's anus. It is now believed he joins Jim Steranko and Neal Adams as yet another old school comics creator with two arseholes. Stern is to set up house in Maine and as soon as I find out where I'll be forwarding the address to all of Roger's celebrity stalkers.

Don't forget to bookmark me again; I want to have a billion readers by Christmas and for the billionth reader I have a very special present lined up - some of Joyce Chen's fecal matter. Yeah baby, I rock!

Next Time: Whales with contraceptives, John Byrne's latest comeback involves intestines, the latest on the George Perez kidnapping mystery, a talk with Marc Silvestri's plastic surgeon and an update from our very own Dr Mark Devereux!

Nostalgia Trip

READ BY MORE THAN 50 PEOPLE ONCE!!!

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Haven't been there yet? Don't you want to know about some of the more lugubrious goings on in comics? Ever wondered what your favourite creator does with jelly?

NEWS FROM EARTH X is quite possibly the most offensive and ludicrous piece of trash ever to grace comics fans computer screens. Most of you have common sense, you don't even give it house room. If the last thing you want to do is read about things found in Joe Quesada's toilet, then DON'T go to http://nfex.blogspot.com/ and don't allow this fraudulent huckster the
benefit of your stupidity.

You have been warned!

**********************************************************
What people have said about News From Earth X

"It just isn't funny." - Anonymous comics reader

"You sick bastard." - Frank Gibbs

"David Scott has a rare talent." - Mrs Mary Scott

"David Scott has a rare disease." - Dr Mark Devereux

"None of this is true, do not believe it." - Mark Verheiden

"I have no idea what you are talking about." - Paul Levitz

"If these guys want to buy me a pizza I'll endorse them." - Joe Quesada

"I cannot believe something as offensive as this can be allowed." - Stan Lee

"Filth" - Todd Klein

"You should try it." - Peter David

"Have you noticed how it stands to attention when you fiddle with it?" - we can't say.

"He lends me his swimming pool" - Namor, (Prince)

"An outstanding talent... a thoroughly decent man ... bizarre fixation with me" - Alan Moore

"I dream of his cock" - Susan Richards

"He has a blue car!" - Roger Stern

"When I refused an interview with him he tried to rape my cat" - Roy Thomas

"He is an inspiration to us all" - Barry Obama (Prez)

(we'd like to point out that some of these quotes might not be directly directed at David Scott or even remotely related to him in any way.)

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This was just one example of how David Scott conquered the world. Now, we all wait in naked anticipation of his long awaited return. In October, David will return to the forum that made him and astound, amaze and disgrace you all with his insider knowledge. "The bastards know I knew where the bodies were buried, and I know that they know I know where they've moved the bodies," he said to a reporter from a well known national newspaper that doesn't want to be mentioned for fear of paper shortages.

The court order that prohibited David from mentioning specific superstars (Mark Waid, Peter David, Roger Stern, Frank Miller, etc., etc.) has been deemed unlawful and been handed to John Byrne as he is technically Canadian, but obviously not by birth.

David is really excited about returning to work and he claimed that he went and had a huge celebratory wank as a result.

Keep checking back daily for updates before the return of the king on October the Nth.

Yours truly,
Joel Meadows Jnr
Head of Marketing and Bluster
Scott Enterprises Inc.

Next time: what was said before but actually and stuff.

A short history of David Scott

The following article ran in the New York Times Entertainment Supplement on June 7, 2009 and was written by Ande Morgenssen.

I am in the presence of a true God. David Scott was once probably the most adored human being on the face of the planet. The most glamorous and famous film actors and actresses would willingly go on their knees in public places to pleasure him; politicians invited him to dinner (and probably much more) and he became so revered that he had to have an entire head transplant and go into hiding.

His award-winning News From Earth X was watched by an estimated 400 million people a day and was translated into 700 different languages and dialects. If David Scott said he liked loganberries, then the demand for loganberries would far outstrip the supply. He was a walking one man economy; demigod and everybody loved him. But then it all started to fall apart, at a remarkable speed.

Scott pioneered devastatingly penetrative gossip reporting, revealing facts about the stars that made ones legs go wobbly. He did it in such a lovely fluffy way that the stars loved him because before long it was apparent, if Scott gave you the thumbs up, you were made for life, but if he didn't like you, death by carnivorous intestine beetles would be kinder. Do you remember Ashcroft Mannering? No, neither do I.

Before long his newspaper column had spread to the Internet, cable television, a high-profile BBC series, CDs, DVDs, exercise videos, top class porn - he had his long fingers in every pie. He had high profile friends such as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Stephen Hawking, Hulk Hogan, Judge Judy and Animal from the Muppets and there were articles about how his penis alone could solve world peace. David Scott was bigger than God, more popular than God and was estimated to then be earning almost twice as much money as God. Scott suddenly believed that if he was bigger, better and more popular than God then he therefore must be God. This was the beginning of the fall...

In 2005, his cable news show was dropped and this was followed by his syndicated radio shows, his newspaper columns, his own brand vinegar business and much much more. By the fall of 2006 he was reduced to writing News From Earth X from a free blog site, and yet he was still attracting between 5 and 20 people a day. Then he had his breakdown.

Today, despite having had a fourth face transplant and suffering slightly from gangrenous ears, Scott is both ebullient and reticent about his fall from grace, "Roger Stern was responsible for it; despite him being in a maximum security penal colony off the Virginia coast, he pulled all the strings and saw to it that never worked in infotainment again. The bastard is going to rot in prison, but he's making me rot in a prison of my own." However, there were countless allegations made at Scott, including sexually inclement behaviour, providing sexual favours to minors - his defence was he is dyslexic; extortion, embezzlement, trepidation and custard were also other allegations thrown at him and while he was lucky to escape with a penal sentence of his own, it pushed him over the edge and he was institutionalised at the request of his great grandmother, who had foreseen this happening in 1922, many years before David's birth and had her predictions locked in a safety deposit box in Poughkeepsie. "My great grandmother was a seer and without her input I would have ended up on the sludge pit of life, My time at the place of serenity and tranquillity was important and I learnt to master control over my ejaculations like never before. The idea of returning to infotainment was just not there."

But return he did and now, the new-look, NFEX is about to launch with exclusive stories that would make chimpanzees pee themselves with pleasure.... continues on page 7

Next time: the experiences of a comics professional who had the clip of a Bic pen top inserted into his Jap's eye on ejaculation; what Mark Waid has been doing since his spleen transplant; plus, genuinely, exclusive footage of the wives of famous comics artists in lesbian sex scenes.