Flamingo Dashboard

When in Rome

Originally planned for the summer of 1996, Marvel has finally scheduled X-Rated Secrets of the Marvel Universe after years and years of legal wrangles and several dozen secretaries. The book was originally planned to be part of Marvel's Epic line and was to be released under a completely different title - Jennifer's Kiss and Tell - referring to She-Hulk and her propensity for fucking the brains out of every super-powered geeza that strolled past her. However, after She-Hulk's popularity waned, the book was shelved until late last year when a bunch of barely known writers and artists resurrected it.

Some of the highlights from this 192-page magnum opus include: bra sizes of superheroes, penis lengths, vaginal diameters, toilet habits, who is really gay, which superhero likes to take his girls roughly from behind while screaming who's the daddy in their ears, how Medusa gave the entire crowd at the 2007 Superbowl an orgasm, what happens to the Hulk's shit, how one of the X-Men has only one testicle and what she does with it, and several other odd and slightly distasteful things like Captain America's semen cookbook, Quicksilver's masturbation problems and The Black Widow's extremely heavy menstruation periods.

But, that's not it. There's also ten 14 page stories featuring all your favourite characters in compromising positions; drawn from actual footage.

Slithering to Success

Not to be outdone, DC Comics decided to reunite all the living actors who have ever played Superman, all the living writers who have ever written Superman, all the parents of the children molested by Superman and Superman to a party to celebrate Superman. Unfortunately, no one, not even Superman, turned up. So DC tried it with Batman and that was a failure and finally opted for a Welcome Back Kotter reunion, without John Travolta, who was busy on Scientology duty.

Backgammon for the Retarded

Jamal Igle has appeared in court in Pittsburgh today charged with imitating a child and stealing a Howard the Duck costume from Universal studios. Mr Igle, who works in comics, grunted at the charges, attempted to sexually assault a 63-year-old courtroom usher and pissed into the judge's coffee before being restrained by two WWF wrestlers on their day off.

Off Cannelloni

"We had to fire him because he kept wetting his seat."

Unknown Platinum

Fantagraphics and Merle Oberon's great great niece, Laurie Flapt, are releasing an unusual visual diary in the spring. A Year in the Life of My Vagina is about as graphic as you can get it, with the entire 12 part series drawn and written from the point of view of the inside of Flapt's cunt, all the 33 year old former Lesbian would say was that every single issue ends in a bloodbath.

Cue the Dwarf

"It's time we brought back some of Spidey's proper villains, said new Spider-Man writer, the Young and up and coming Don McGregor said. "I want to bring back Mysterio, the Lizard, Will'o the Wisp and some of the junk Claremont threw out in the 1970s. I also want to turn Peter Parker into a lesbian obsessed alcoholic, who starts to get over weight and discovers that he can no longer self pleasure himself because his hands keep sticking to his cock. I also want to give MJ irritable bowel syndrome and Aunt May some bongos. It's going to be great."

We're wait with baited breath on account we want to catch fish.

Billowing Stools

Dr Henry Pym has refused permission for a film of his life to be made with Sam Rockwell in the lead role. Pym, now semi-retired told NFEX, "My story isn't that good. It's not like I'm the hero, I just played my part and now some director wants to turn me into something I never was and they want to completely overlook my years as Yellowjacket... They claim it will put gardeners off of going to see the film, but I'm called Antman and Janet's is the Wasp; neither are friends of the humble groundskeeper. They also want to breeze over my Giant-Man and Goliath stages, which frankly I think is a little pointless. The thing that I really can't understand though is why they're casting Sylvester Stallone as my wife."

Large Intestines

The man who manages to perpetually stay out of the gossip columns, good old Norrin Radd, may find himself on the cover of every newspaper in the world after he refused to save the life of a child in a supermarket in Des Moines. The silvery one was out shopping for essentials and was in a queue behind a screaming child that was demanding its mother buy candy. When another customer in the store pulled out a sawn-off shotgun and told the mother to keep her child quiet, the Surfer could have stepped in and calmed things down, but instead he is believed to have whispered into the child's ear that she was seen being molested by her father in the shower, the girl started screaming again and has her head blown off.

Cleaning up the blood and brains after the incident, store Janitor Ralph Lee said, "He could have done something, but I think there would have been a riot if he had, everyone wanted that little girl dead, even my store manager said if someone didn't shut her up he was going to go and stick his cock in her mouth, which he believed would have done the trick."

Ralph was fired for missing a bit.

Poor Velour

With the sudden and unexpected death of Paul Levitz on Friday, the comics world is in deep mourning. It was made even worse by the discovery of Roger Stern abusing the corpse in the funeral home. The former lifer was found trying to ram Levitz's severed penis up Levitz's nose, while screaming, "I told you that when you die I'm going to cut your cock off and ram it up your big fucking Jewish nose, and by God I have, bwah-ha-ha!" Stern was later informed that Levitz wasn't actually Jewish, he just acted that way. Stern has since apologised.

Next: a competition to name a new galaxy; fourteen pounds of a fat woman's cellulite; the man who could see out of his glass eye; the frog was a prince, the prince was a bird; a gay man's fascination with a woman's pubic hair; sickness and blurred vision are all part of growing up; some coupons from an old magazine; why Leonardo DiCaprio carries a small Vouton bag with some human faeces in it; How to germinate ringworm; beer farts; what insane people do for sexual pleasure, and much, much, much, much, much, much more more more.

There's more to life than runny poo

Diagnostically Speaking

Just what do men get out of lighting their own farts? Why are women secretive masturbaters? Are babies all psychopaths? Was Hitler a poof? Can you put your entire hand and arm up your own backside? How many ferrets can you hang off your arm? How do you colour a void? How much concrete can you put into your wife's mouth before it kills her? If you cut a woman's nipples off will the blood squirt or dribble? What is need? Are lesbians made out of wood? These are just a sample of the questions being asked in the new IDW comic, innovatively entitled The Answers to a Million Questions You Never Thought You Would Get Answered (or Even Asked!) and allegedly has Evan Dorkin attached to it; but sources close to me say that Dorkin is just supplying bits of his pyjamas as an incentive to buy.

And Addiction with Disconnection

'Scraping the bottom of a barrel full of shit-eating monkeys', that's how Peter David described J.M. Straczynski's decision to resurrect Babylon 5 characters in The Amazing Spider-Man. 'He has no place including fictional characters into this. I don't know what Parker was thinking if he agreed to this!"

The uproar is obvious; with upcoming issues to feature Londo Molari, G'Kaar and rogue Vorlon, the general feeling amongst the billions of comics readers worldwide is one of dismay and slight nausea. 'They're even doing a series of issues featuring that telepathic psychopath Bester played by Koenig; the entire Min'Baari nation and one issue has a team up that just doesn't work for me. Sheridan wouldn't dress like Red Sonja and sing love songs by camp fire. I think Jim has gone fucking mad!'

We approached the writer for a direct quote, but he was unavailable. His personal assistant, Angela Lansbury, said, 'He's busy trying to cram some Murder She Wrote characters into a new X-Men graphic novel.'

Cunt!

Incandescent Happiness

I was approached by a man claiming to be #### ####### on Wednesday. He started shouting at me and claiming that I was out of date, no longer relevant in this world and spent far too much time talking about the has beens of yesteryear rather than the stud muffins of today. I had a Bic pen in my pocket and without him noticing I pulled it out and jabbed the pointed end into one of his eyeballs. Whoever he claimed to be he'll have to draw with one eye now!

Janis Joplin's Hole

I've always been a fan of hills, so when I was offered the chance to write a comic about a friendly hill in the Malverns, I just had to refuse.

Rancid Ring Piece

Now, I'm not a big fan of Bon Jovi, but one has to admire dead novelist Michael Creighton for his ability to cage rhinos. Never in the history of things with a history has there been such an insignificant lump of coal that was unfit for the furnaces of hell itself. But enough of this and some more of this.

You Have to Admit you Loved the Feel of My Warm Hand down The Front of Your Pants

We don't often talk about Zimbabwe or their burgeoning comics industry and if it wasn't for the money transferred into my account by a friend of Robert Mugabe, I would be talking about it now, but there's a new comic coming out of Harare and its going to rock the world so hard it'll think something just chopped one of its lungs out.

Acronym Bestid is a new comic from Umzele M'wankwa and N'gongo N'gonga Mzalawerri Bishtu III and I really have no idea what its about and from the unlettered samples I have, it appears to be about a very well endowed prison guard relentlessly raping young black boys until they all start to love him. The first issue is released in June and retails for $52,000,000 (or about 30cents in real money).

Next Time: Fortunate sole; insubordinate mice, coiled spring, devilishly simple, proportionately proportioned; phenomenal vagina; medium penis, endangered pasta; gravelled drive, Nominee bird, beloved wimple, translucent hinge, doped card, lounge men, pistachio newt, grand ball, eleven nuns and fourteen ways to abstain from fiddling with children that are being overtly sexual towards you.