Women who Urinate while Standing

The Butterfly in your Large Intestine

Mark Millar's decision to remain as lead writer on Marvel's new Captain America series has not gone without notice. Millar, 51, of Scotland, had already caused controversy by announcing that the new Captain America would be an openly camp gay male, who was 'just as prone to scratching your eyes out as giving you a good kicking', according to Millar's young female assistant, Astrid.
Once the New York Times picked up on the story all hell broke loose on the noticeboards and forums throughout the Interweb. However, Millar hit back by sending Astrid for an interview with the Daily Bugle. The young female assistant has this to say about the controversy; "Look, it's not like this is going to be an R rated comic. Yes, the new Stevie Rogers will wear some pink and he will be sensitive and kind to animals and he will, occasionally find himself sexually aroused in the presence of a really fit supervillain, but all of this will be to his advantage; especially with some of those oh-so sexually ambiguous new super baddies that Mark has invented."
This could be where some of the outrage is centred on. Millar's new Cap nasties will include Jap's Eye, Ballbreaker, Rimmer, the Felchmaster and a new, as yet un-named gaylord of crime. Gay Times called it an outrage, claiming it set back gay rights 2000 years, especially as Stevie Rogers, drawn by notoriously closeted gay shirtlifter Frank Cho, will look like a Tom of Finland creation. Ira Lardon, someone in the Gay Times office at the time we sent someone there, said, "The problem with Captain America is he's an American icon, not a gay icon. I just get a bad taste in my mouth thinking about it; I obviously also get a massive erection and go cruising for like minded men for anal sex, but that's because there's something wrong with my chromosomes."
Marvel has been suspiciously quiet about this product and justifiably so as they are now firmly placing their penis of intent in the anus of DC's most sacred pastures. Bob Wayne said, "Why do you always ask me the gay questions? Not everyone at DC is homosexual,... Well, I'm not, but they need me to be able to talk to people who live further south than Washington. DC thinks its deplorable that Marvel should be allowed to do this with such a prominent and popular character. At least they're keeping the cum shots to a minimum, so Phil will be pleased about that. Phil has a real thing about escaped jizzum."
The last word however went to Astrid, who after several Martinis and a few pints of Guinness admitted that the gay Captain America story was a ruse and Cap just poses as a gay man so he can infiltrate the Gay Men Who Want to Rule the World Club and kill all the fundamentalist gay terrorists, of which, apparently, most gay men belong to.

Lemon Territory

The latest in IDW's new educational line is released in January. How to Wipe your Ass is designed for people who struggle to wipe their behinds. The young girl called Emma who answered the telephone was very helpful, even down to explaining in great detail her boss's cock and how she has to suck it twice a day or she'll lose her $75 a week job. What she didn't want us to repeat was that her boss makes her dress up as a little boy and refuses to have sex with her until she grows a penis.

Lunch with Mary

Remember one-time Man-Thing artist Val Mayerik? Well, despite people believing him to be dead, he isn't and he's been retired for the last 20 years. He did however kill Sal Trapani over the correct use of the word 'yoni' and disguised the body to look like his own. Man-Thing was unavailable for comment.

Keep the Black ones Penned in

Racism raises it's ugly head again in DC's Black Lightning series, as Black Lightning begins a one-man reign of terror on two Chinese, a Hispanic and a Swedish family in Milwaukee; claiming that America is a country for niggers and honkies only. Tony Isabella isn't writing it and wasn't asked if he wanted to. He believes it was because he is black.

Next: A sturgeon is chosen to write The Hulk; a tumour is discovered in Janet Jackson's shoe; several pounds of plastic explosive have been surreptitiously implanted in Scott Lobdell's teeth; Lex Luthor believes he might be made up and sticking with this theme, Erica Durance claims she has considerably better tits than the real Lois Lane; people with brass lungs tend to die quickly; Linsner's back with Dawn: Fisting and Fanny Farting; Warren Ellis writes a noir crime thriller for the retarded; Joyce Chen's vaginal plaster cast mold; the extent that Roy Thomas will go to ensure that Stan Lee's missing prostate gland is found; several pounds of tea have been mistaken for Aaron Weisenfeld and a picture of either a man or a famous female comics artist called Gail Simone's pubic hair - and trust us when we say, she's a bit of a baldy and there's no Imac in sight!

My life for a good Sex Cheese!

Unequivocal Fondant

Quite why Courtney Cox wanted to write an autobiographical comic book account of the number of times she was fingered by someone else, since her first sexual experience when she was 13, is any body's guess, but she's managed to snare Mike Allred to draw it and David Schwimmer to narrate the audio comic!

On a promotional tour to promote her new promotion, Cox told Mike Really of Fux News, the reasons behind her decision, however, she was not prepared for what happened next...

"I decided I wanted to do a comic book about my earliest sexual experiences because I thought they'd look cool on paper. I chose the people to do it on the strength of who drew me looking prettiest and the accuracy of how they drew my vagina. I had over 200 artists all drawing my vagina at one point; they were all crammed into this small room at the Ritz Carlton, with drawing boards, digital cameras and tissues."

Do you really think that people would want to see a comic book about Tom Sellick's masturbatory adventures?

"Um, well, I probably would. Depends on whether or not it's Tom doing it to himself or others doing it. If it was a fantasy comic and Tom was being wanked off by Brad Pitt or Lee Majors then I'd definitely buy it."

Don't you think that a comic about you being fingered is a bit selfish? I mean, what does a boy get out of fingering a girl? He has a stinky finger, if she's not the cleanest girl in the world, and he can boast to his friends that he's had a bit of pubic action. If you're the sort of girl who can cum just by having your bits fiddled with you're going to be all right, aren't you? You can have an orgasm and love it and the poor boy is just sitting there with this massive hard on and you don't even think about giving him some relief do you? God people like you make me sick!

"Oh."

Baghdad Bill-a-bong

There's a war raging between two artists after it was disclosed that the two of them tried to do something that just isn't quite right...

In June 2007, Erik Larsen met Gary Larson at TwatCon7 in Muncey, Idaho. The two of them, thinking they were related hatched up a scheme where by they had a child who would have all the unique qualities of Gary and would get rid of the unique qualities Erik has. The problems started when they decided to have the child together, Erik continues, "We hired a hotel room, got naked and decided to have sex with each other. I went for the only orifice that would comfortably take my erect penis and to be honest it was a little like having a wank with a shit encrusted hand. We did this loads of times, but after 9 months there was still no baby in sight."

Gary added, "It was horrible. I have nothing against homosexuals or weirdo fucking perverts that want to fuck women up the, um, Gary, but seriously, it just feels like you want to take a big shit. I don't know whether or not my prostate is fried, but I got nothing out of it apart from a leaky bottom."

Rabbi in Rabbit Hunt

Dark Horse Comics launch their new Pornographic Pony line in January despite protestations from a local gymkhana, who are dead against the first of the imprint's new line. Mrs Abigail Horrsing said, "Its nonsense to suggest that girls' fall in love with ponies. Yes, they might enjoy healthy sex lives away from the prying eyes of those who don't understand, but to say the girl's are in love with the ponies is stupid. I've told all my girls that the biggest benefit from having a pony cock shoved inside you is it helps in later life with childbirth and will give future boyfriends the chance to experience fisting. To do a comic pertaining to be about the love affair between a girl and her pony is just sick."

Divorce my Kidney

Jack Pallance was gay! This is the assertion made by Jim Shooter in his new comic Bollocks Uncovered! The new comic drawn by David Lapham insists it will tell untold tales of the entertainment industry from a perspective never done before in a comic, from inside the stars' anuses.

This sounds suspiciously like a story we ran recently that didn't involve Shooter or Lapham - which, if you had a twisted mind you could see something definitely homo-erotic about both their surnames.

Scientology Scientist Senses Sentience in Snark

Polished and immaculate; just two words that I just plucked out of thin air that suitably describe the new artificial limb that Tom DeFalco has just been fitted with.

Violent Fens

Organist and part-time comics artist wanted, will supply own goat.

Next time: people with hairdos that smell of cheese; weirdos with cheese people for friends; beauticians with multiple sclerosis and massive dildos; obstetricians with hard ons; basic animal first aid, an exclusive interview with a helicopter pilot and footage of Stan Lee's latest enema. Crack on!