Shit Stained Tea Bagging

He kept me in a box and constantly showed me his comics collection. I prayed for death every night.

The splod of the plid is nodjo.

Shitting in silence.

I knew a girl at high school who used to suck spots until they were ripe to burst then would bite the heads off and smear the pus on her bib. Her name was Stella.

I dream of shadows that can fart.

A black woman walks into a police station and walks to the desk. "I'd like to report a rape," she says in matter of fact tones. The police Sergeant, a kindly looking older chap, turns to her and says, "Where's the victim then you fat ugly nigger bitch?"

"Frankly? I'd kill all gays."

Scientists are developing a bomb that will wipe religion from the planet.

"It was a mixed blessing being rescued by Ms Lane; she helped me from the wreckage of my car crash; gave me water and flashed her cleavage at me to buoy my spirits, but when she started dipping her finger into the puncture wound on my broken leg and smearing it on her eyes that I started to worry. She also asked me if I would take a shit because she was feeling peckish. If this is what it's like being Superman's wife, then I'm glad I'm not gay, or him and he fancied me or just wanted to have casual sex, which obviously I don't, but my address is in the phonebook and I like heat vision used on my scrotum. At least I think I do, I can't say I've tried it, but I'm willing to if that big boy wants to experiment or something. Did I say that out loud?"

Splotty your botty.

News just in of a giant sea monster redecorating the city of Tokyo.

Lod blod.

I've been trying very hard, honest.

Rodney Ramos's famously long penis is in the news again; this time for robbing a drug store in Baltimore.

When Aardvarks Go Bad is Dave Sims's sequel to Cerebus. The famous 300-issue long story of a people carrier with a brain was so popular it spawned no spin-offs and was never read by many people because it was impenetrable racist shit. Sim's new venture is about the porn industry and his desire to be a Muslim woman.

Don't leave that hanging out in the fog!

"How can fat people get so big without their dignity disappearing into a fold? I can smell them when they walk into a room; they get rashes and no one wants to fuck them, unless the person wanting to fuck them is really fat too, or they have some kind of goat fetish. Fat people are worse than paedophiles. Yeah! Yeah, baby!!" - Alan Moore (June, 2011)

If you had a penis as thick as a pencil but as long as your arm how much different would your life be? This is the problem JJ Abrams has had to deal with all his life. However, he isn't Denis Norden.

Typical, you start drinking piss and everyone else wants some.

I have a protective coating.

Offensive? I'll give you offensive! [Holds up a photograph of a yew tree]. Damn you all to hell!

This week's preview screening is of Loud Thang's new film Objects of Motion. It tells no story and is 63 minutes of footage taken from inside a toilet of people having a shit with an Iron Maiden soundtrack and one song from Susan Boyle.

Piffle poffle it's not offal.

Jesus was a shit slurper.

Now Die.

Zomorph My Duckling

According to a good friend, bi-sexuals are 'just mucky buggers' and with logic like that how can you disagree with her?

A famous comicbook artist once said, 'I can't understand homosexuals that want to shove their cocks up each others arses. I mean that's just wrong. Do they have to do it? Can't they just do what normal people do?'

On his conviction for having sex with a seven-year-old nigger child, Mark Waid said, 'But she said she was 21!'

Beau Smith, who famously said, 'the only good Muslim is one stuck on the end of a spike', has never said anything else that anyone took any notice of.

Joyce Chen has had a new vagina carved into her calf.

To reject the call of Jesus is to piss in the face of your mother while beating her around the head with a stick covered in cat shit.

There is nothing dirty about pissing on people; urine comes from the only truly sterile part of a human body. That said, I wouldn't just walk up to someone in the street and piss on them. They might not understand. And frankly, there's nothing worse than walking around town on a cold day with a piss drenched trouser leg.

Women that allow themselves to be fucked by horses live quite normal lives.

Actually, sticking with that theme. Consider this; if you ever fuck a childless woman and it slips in far too easily and after you can put both hands up there and clap - what the fuck has she been putting up there to stretch the edges so much?

I know a man who bottles queefs.

Celebrity Cock Borrowing might be the next big thing. It is estimated that almost 30% of famous people now keep chickens.

With some judicious cutting you could get all four members of Abba into a dustbin; however, you might need an industrial blender.

Sarah Palin might be a disliked woman, but, after a few beers, you probably would, wouldn't you?

'I had sex with the whole of Razorback,' claims 14-year-old Frinton boy.

The only problem with eating a whole cat is its anus.

Don't you find there's something unsettling about transsexuals?

While standing naked on the side of the Materhorn, during the filming of a new film, Holly Vallance miscarried a child she wasn't aware she was expecting. Anti-abortionists in Georgia have called for supporters to kill her.

'The only way I could keep my husband interested in me sexually was to allow him to put insects in my cunt'.

Pop Mhan has such a small penis.

'Your neighbour wasn't a zombie and no it isn't a good excuse for putting a bullet in his head.'

Like horses, Alice Cooper shits wherever he feels he needs to and is followed around by a horde of mutant dung beetles.