She Likes Stuffing Dog Shit Down Her Pants

Hash Popes

Top reporter Leon Trubshaw was granted access to Alan Moore and this is his fantabulous interview!!!

LB: Hello Alan More!

AM: There's two Os in my name.

LB: How could you tell?

AM: I am omnipotent; I see your words as letters floating in the ether like dust motes or scrotal dandruff.

LB: That's nice.

AM: It has its moments.

LB: So, tell me, Alan Moore, this look you've chosen? Is it a hit with the chicks? Do they dig the long hair, weirdy beardy and a crook image? Does it make them want to swivel on your cock?

AM: At least a dozen times a year. I don't tell my wife, but as she lives in a completely separate house to me, she doesn't know if I send the old kipper out for a good mulleting.

LB: I think you'll find 'mulleting' has two tees.

AM: I think not, poltroon.

LB: Were you surprised that you got the James Bond gig?

AM: Pardon?

LB: Back in the 70s after that guy that no one can remember the name of. Lazenby, he who slept with rotting wombats, according to Gene Pitney.

AM: That was Roger Moore.

LB: Then you never lost your legs in the war?

AM: That was Douglas Bader. But I see where you're going here and, no, I'm not Kenneth More either. Neither am I the dead rock guitarist Gary Moore either.

LB: Dead footballer?

AM: Nope, that's Bobby. Do you know who I am?

LB: Alan Moore; you're famous for being a gnarly old cunt. I'm just winding you up to see if I can get a candid photo of you trying to strangle me, or maybe give me a surreptitious blow job.

AM: I am not gnarly. That isn't even a real word according to Google.

LB: You're daughter? Is it true she was a seductress at 13?

AM: Why?

LB: I was wondering how long ago that was or if she has any children?

AM: I have a new comic coming out in March.

LB: It's called Titties and Beer isn't it?

AM: No. I agreed to be interviewed if I could talk about my new project and answer some questions on the centre of the universe, or North Hampton as us Bective lads like to say.

LB: Have you got a bad limp?

AM: Sometimes.

LB: Is your mum still alive and what was her favourite colour?

AM: No and blue.

LB: Indian, Chinese or Italian?

AM: I've fucked them all, but Indians are surprisingly dirty in bed and I'm not talking grubby dirty either, if you catch my drift?

LB: I was talking laundry services.

AM: Let me ask you a question? How big is your cunt?

LB: About 5 feet and 4 inches; she's waiting in the car.

AM: Boom boom!

The completion of this interview has been illustrated by Melinda Guppy and will be published every week for the next seventeen years.

I'm Andrea

Leon Trubshaw's father, Harry, was well known for his work behind the scenes in the comics industry. Harry always said, "Without fucking Gods like me there wouldn't be a fucking comics industry you bunch of dried up pussies," and he would, of course, be completely right, or is that wrong. We couldn't actually get anyone to acknowledge that comics aren't just born into the world by a massive comics vagina. The kind of massive pulsating vagina that makes even dirty Muslim faggots want to fuck the ass of some teenage girl rather than their room mate at college who continually begged you to stop, you fucking cretin.

Slim Pickins

It's all right to believe in pygmy goats with big, bright purple eyes. Just keep it quiet in front of the FBI.

Cheese Balls

Right now, the chatter regarding Marvel movies is focused on the release of both Sore and Captain Amata and the Bruise Crew. Yet, it’s a fair bet that this time next year, we might be excited about the idea of the She Hulk's Clitoris movie.

In fact, scrub that, it’s hard not to be excited now, albeit tempered a little by wondering just how it can all work. For this is the movie where Marvel brings its largest part of a female sex organ to Imax screens and in 34D.

What, of course, makes the prospect of the film particularly promising, is the choice of Barry Vig to direct it. Vig has revealed that the shoot of the film has now begun, in the studios where he shoots most of his porn films.

In fact, do you like the way I say 'in fact' a lot, to make this sound like it's all fact? Vig revealed it a day or so back, but got arrested, so when he said that “Will you get that hairy fucking piece of cheesecake out of my face”. She-Hulk's Clitoris is due out in May 2012 and it's bound to make a big splash, especially if it's near water.

Bandage Strip

And you sir are a buffoon of disproportionate dimensions. Just remember who allowed you to screw his eight year old daughter when the going gets rough. Now, get out of my hovel and never darken my mouldy chairs with your stench again.

Parsley Bill

When asked by a serious journalist why he never went into writing proper books, Stan Lee said, "I was just a crap writer. Still am. Was crap with a typewriter and crap in bed. I'm amazed I had a daughter, I could barely get a hard on from the age of 18. Of course, I'd often get one when I watched Jack drawing Thor and he'd relieve me by pretending my cock was one of his cigars. I never talked about this before because most of it is fantasy; I don't think I ever had a real daughter, i think she was a mixture of plastic and my imagination, at least that's what she used to say to me when she was having sex with my fist."

Lee, 106, is regarded as a bit crap. I'm sorry that should have said regraded.

Nex tissue: whore's teeth, whores' teeth, whore's teet, nipples, tits, jubblies, curvature of the spine, aching balls, death watch Beatles, spork, porks, is sport dead, my doughnut is growing, empires and basements, globes, porcine gloves and elongated knives.

Crusty Testicles

Sodden Tongue

"I woke up and I could feel her rubbing something into my skin. I thought it was very sensual having body lotion rubbed into my body. She started on my legs and moved her way up so by the time I was fully awake she was rubbing it into my genitals and I had a massive erection and then I caught a whiff of it. The fucking mad woman was rubbing fox shit into me!" An exert from Bryan Talbot's new autobiography due out in Spain.

Talbot, the son of Lawrence Talbot, the famous werewolf of the 40s and 50s, first came to prominence with his first autobiography, The Tale of One Sad Twat. Then in 2000 he released his second and third autobiographies, before releasing a fourth in 2007 and then this latest one. The thing that makes the fans come back for more was summed up by Hortense Sleeve, a Christian comics fan from Ohio, when she said, "They're all different!"

Talbot's mother, who invented a car for the Chrysler Corporation in 1954, couldn't be at the launch because she runs a nightclub in Ibiza.

Banned on the Runs

Non-Caucasian artist Lienel Francis Yu has reported to the police and incident where his 12 year old sister was eaten by a small pond full of tadpoles. It took Yu more than an hour to explain to the police that he wasn't suggesting the pond ate his sister, but the tadpoles in the pond. When this fact was established, Yu said the police arrested 776 tadpoles and made joke coffee with them later that night to cheer up Lienel's parents, Mr & Mrs Yu, who didn't know what to do.

Helvetian Effrontery

Sad but true, you can't boil waves.

The last king of Spain was a comics fan and owned his own dado rail company.

Bourgeois Hamster

The police said they weren't surprised as Mr Fellink had previously been arrested on suspicion of impersonating a television reporter. In 2006, Fellink pretended to be Connie Chung to ply sexual favours from Congressman Walt D. Isnae, the congressman for Botswanaville, OK. According to reports, congressman Isnae wasn't aware that Fellink was a man until he ejaculated in his mouth while filming it and simulcasting on Facebook. "It was a shock. I thought she just had a very large clitoris."

Slime Dildo

'"It was a shock. I thought she just had a very large clitoris."' Just how often do you hear that now? It seems that over the last dozen or three years, more and more women are either taking lots of hormones to grow their clitorises to resemble small penises, or some men like having sex with other men while dressing up in panda outfits and yodelling like swans. To be frank, this has to stop and we should go back to living normal lives and loving our neighbours. But not in that way with squelch and queef, but in an I'd like to teach the world to sing kind of way, or failing that with a big hammer.

Pigs with Fake Noses

Transgenderation is what men who want their cocks chopping off and fake breasts inserted into their plectrums. It's wrong. Jesus wanted to be a woman and that's what really happened to him at Easter. He went to some dodgy Thai doctor who chopped his cock off and inserted fake breasts and Jesus died from toxic shock so they stuck him in a cave and a bear scared the shit out of the corpse so it came alive again and crapped on the bear and went down the pub. So don't do it. If you meet one of these freaks - fuck them with a baseball bat in their new twats and tell them that this wouldn't have happened if they'd had penises like real men do. Yeah!

Pond Warts

I can understand what it's like to be missing bits of my body.

Exit Ment: slander, beagles, gang rape, ventricular sex, bison wine, petite sixes, Velcro manor, Posh frocks as a statement not a description, chiefs or chieves, my French friend

Major Bum Saw

He said I led him up the garden path; I didn't take him anywhere near my garden!

I decided to ask my grandmother if she still had oral sex and she said, yes, they still talk about it.

The last thing I expected was for it to go off in my hand.

If you break your legs, don't come running to me for sympathy.

I just said he was handy, it wasn't meant in a sheep loving way.

I'd hazard a guess and say all food makes you shit, not just Indian food.

I'm desperately excited about your off-hip replacement.

Gingerbread - ginger but not really bread.

If Daredevil can't beat up Galactus, is he really a 'super' 'hero'?

I used to have a pet salmon called Rusty.

Do we all agree that her tits might be her own.

I was waiting at the bus stop when he just came over me.

After that he wiped it dry on my trousers.

I said, Sharon, that's a terribly common name. Common as in lower class.

Who ever said there was less than a teaspoon of fluid in an ejaculation, I'd like to cum in their face and then get them to tell me if that was just a teaspoon.

Did it occur to you that when your daughter said, 'Daddy, please stop, it's very sore now," to stop fucking her up the arse with a plaster caste of a donkey? Rectum? Beyond all recognition, matey.

Ice cream is VATable? That's a fucking outrage. I'm going to write to my MP.

Why do some bald men look excusably gay?

I was always the person who didn't like the public ones because of all the toilet sounds.

She has several holes and mostly of her own making.

I never considered lesbianism as a career move, more of a defence in chess.

Holidays are only fun if you can abuse imprisoned naked people with seawater.

Honestly, some women could do with looking at themselves in the mirror before going out into the real world, baby!

Sounded dead common and we all know about naked swimming, don't we? Eh?

You cannot accept Haliborange as a word that rhymes with orange; it only does that because the word was invented.

I always found that it was the geeks and weirdo kids from school that ended up having their cocks pierced or having tattoos of Homer Simpson with their ringpiece as his mouth.

I'll try not to cum in your mouth; I will however probably piss in it. I had three pints at lunch and they have to come out at some point.

Herbs are very good in butter except maybe some herbs and pork.

It was like a real life intercontinental indigestion remedy.

We know.

Reach for the tin opener, squint at the pigs swarming in through the door and accept that Jesus Christ is someone's personal saviour.

Mohammed was always a bit of a gay bloke. I remember all of us having a beer at the Gods Bar. I was there with Mo, Odin, Zeus and a few minor deities and Buddha, who no one liked because of his fucking ridiculous existentialist views and disbelief that the rest of us wield all the real power. Any how, this young servant boy brought a tray of beers in, but dropped his tray on the way out, revealing his tender buttocks as he bent over to retrieve his vessel carrier. Suddenly Mohammed was on him like a fly round dead fish. There was shit everywhere, the boy's arse was ruined and the head of Islam just sat there in the corner, with his thumb in his mouth (I think it was his thumb) shaking his head and mumbling about never living this one down at God Club on Sunday. While all of this was going on Buddha stole all the vegetarian canapés and urinated in one of the fish bowls, plus he called one of the staff a 'worthless cunt' and punched another in a testicle before escaping with the queen's silverware. Bastard.

I try not to think it hurts my leg.

My son has a problem accepting that space isn't concrete.

I said I don't care how hard he worked on it, I was not eating anyone's Marmite ripple icecream, whatever it was made of.

The simple solution would be to kill him.

You could say that, but no one would believe you because of the size of your penis.

I'm a little teapot short and stout and you're a liberal minded cunt with a bad hair do.

It's not rocket science, it's paedophilia. When I tell you to bring me some fresh meat, I don't want 33 year old friends with a pound of liver.

I don't want to muddy the waters but a blues singer has just handed himself in at the front desk claiming he shot Elvis.

If you substitute the Y for a pair of tatty knickers then I'm sure he won't have a problem with his erection.

Don't be disgusted by this; be disgusted by your willingness to bend yourself into any position for my wanton cock monster!

Then he died and a fine line of dribble slooped from the corner of his mouth. One of the women grabbed the bed clothes and pulled them back and screamed at the size of his penis. It was supposed to be much bigger than that. this man was obviously an impostor or maybe even a much disliked person from the 1980s.

It's no longer a civilian matter.

Bucked teeth horse flesh rubbish band wine loving beetroot glazier with legs