The story so far...

The year is 2009.
The place is New York City.
Comics are bigger than Beyonce's booty and the world's biggest celebrities are fighting over which comic book to endorse.
DC Comics is completely run by very camp homosexuals, apart from transvestite Bob Wayne, who has refused, point-blankly, to take it up the Gary since he's worked there. His one concession is to wear his mother's dress.
Marvel Comics has recently purchased Disney Corpse, Coca Cola and Sony and is attempting to by Zimbabwe, which many believe will cost them considerably less. The company has the biggest selling comics on the planet, with titles such as the Unfathomable X-Men selling 20 to 30 million copies a week.
Dark Horse Comics and Image Comics are both massive players, but the former specialises in Star Wars spin-offs and failure, while the latter produce the world's biggest line of sex comics - with over 200 different titles ranging from straight masturbation manuals to full on paedophile orgies; they secretly rule the world from their deck chairs in Malibu.
There are a group of smaller independent publishers, producing the gross GDP of a small European country and the world is down to its last million hectares of rain forest.
The major players in the comics world for the last 20 years are in fear of their lives from the latest group of hot new talent to arrive on the block, with riots and street fights on Madison Avenue between the young and the old. The old held out, but it won't be long before the new order usurps the old and we see even better comics.
The richest man on the planet is undoubtedly George Lucas and he controls the world's economy from a huge sphere that floats over the Azores. When he isn't doing this he's working on the final trilogy of the Star Wars saga, the first of which, we can announce exclusively, is to be called Star Wars, Part 7: C3P0 Umpires Nude Tennis and takes place 300 years after Luke's death. An outline follows in negative for those of you that hate spoilers:
C3P0 is now emperor of the known galaxy, ably assisted by R2D2, who has had his communications device switched off. C3P0 is obsessed with genitals, so order all fit and attractive young people in the empire to play nude tennis at least 3 times a day, even the Jedi knights. This angers young Stropè Boogar, a Jedi apprentice with an unfeasibly small penis, but massive scrotum into forming a new branch of the Sith. It's up to C3P0 and a new group of sexy Jedis to try and save the empire while simultaneously losing its dignity.
Sounds pretty flaming brilliant, doesn't it? But, we're getting away from the purpose of this re-introduction.
Back in the 90s, a young man called David Scott decided to use the new fangled interweb thingy and produce the world's best infotainment column, and he did with knobs on. By the turn of the century, he was almost as famous as Pope Steve the first and his column was read by over 5 billion people weekly. He was as Godlike as a godlike thing and my name is David Scott!
I've been away; but I'm all better now and over the next million weeks or so I'm going to dazzle you with info about all your favourite everythings. Interviews with the stars, exclusives and more sex than you can shake your crusty member at.

And what about this for an exclusive to kick the week off! Roger Stern is to be released early from prison, after serving only 5 years of his quadruple life sentence for killing 23 Hell's Angels in Pasadena. For those of you with poor or short memories, Stern was driving across California when, unprovoked, he stopped his car and began to tear bikers arms and legs off, ripping their hearts out and generally causing more mayhem than an Auschwitz oven salesman. Well, it seems after tireless work by a team of lawyers, they've proved that it wasn't Stern who committed the murders, but someone who looks a lot like him but as strong as Superman...
I can reveal exclusively that Stern and Superman were lovers back in the late 1980s; it was during Superman's experimental phase, when Frank Miller wanted to do something post-post modern with the character and Phil Jiminez wanted to draw Superman porn. The two men kept their dalliance secret for many years because of the damage it did to Stern's anus. It is now believed he joins Jim Steranko and Neal Adams as yet another old school comics creator with two arseholes. Stern is to set up house in Maine and as soon as I find out where I'll be forwarding the address to all of Roger's celebrity stalkers.

Don't forget to bookmark me again; I want to have a billion readers by Christmas and for the billionth reader I have a very special present lined up - some of Joyce Chen's fecal matter. Yeah baby, I rock!

Next Time: Whales with contraceptives, John Byrne's latest comeback involves intestines, the latest on the George Perez kidnapping mystery, a talk with Marc Silvestri's plastic surgeon and an update from our very own Dr Mark Devereux!

Nostalgia Trip

READ BY MORE THAN 50 PEOPLE ONCE!!!

The most popular column in the world (on alternate versions of Earth)!

Haven't been there yet? Don't you want to know about some of the more lugubrious goings on in comics? Ever wondered what your favourite creator does with jelly?

NEWS FROM EARTH X is quite possibly the most offensive and ludicrous piece of trash ever to grace comics fans computer screens. Most of you have common sense, you don't even give it house room. If the last thing you want to do is read about things found in Joe Quesada's toilet, then DON'T go to http://nfex.blogspot.com/ and don't allow this fraudulent huckster the
benefit of your stupidity.

You have been warned!

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What people have said about News From Earth X

"It just isn't funny." - Anonymous comics reader

"You sick bastard." - Frank Gibbs

"David Scott has a rare talent." - Mrs Mary Scott

"David Scott has a rare disease." - Dr Mark Devereux

"None of this is true, do not believe it." - Mark Verheiden

"I have no idea what you are talking about." - Paul Levitz

"If these guys want to buy me a pizza I'll endorse them." - Joe Quesada

"I cannot believe something as offensive as this can be allowed." - Stan Lee

"Filth" - Todd Klein

"You should try it." - Peter David

"Have you noticed how it stands to attention when you fiddle with it?" - we can't say.

"He lends me his swimming pool" - Namor, (Prince)

"An outstanding talent... a thoroughly decent man ... bizarre fixation with me" - Alan Moore

"I dream of his cock" - Susan Richards

"He has a blue car!" - Roger Stern

"When I refused an interview with him he tried to rape my cat" - Roy Thomas

"He is an inspiration to us all" - Barry Obama (Prez)

(we'd like to point out that some of these quotes might not be directly directed at David Scott or even remotely related to him in any way.)

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This was just one example of how David Scott conquered the world. Now, we all wait in naked anticipation of his long awaited return. In October, David will return to the forum that made him and astound, amaze and disgrace you all with his insider knowledge. "The bastards know I knew where the bodies were buried, and I know that they know I know where they've moved the bodies," he said to a reporter from a well known national newspaper that doesn't want to be mentioned for fear of paper shortages.

The court order that prohibited David from mentioning specific superstars (Mark Waid, Peter David, Roger Stern, Frank Miller, etc., etc.) has been deemed unlawful and been handed to John Byrne as he is technically Canadian, but obviously not by birth.

David is really excited about returning to work and he claimed that he went and had a huge celebratory wank as a result.

Keep checking back daily for updates before the return of the king on October the Nth.

Yours truly,
Joel Meadows Jnr
Head of Marketing and Bluster
Scott Enterprises Inc.

Next time: what was said before but actually and stuff.

A short history of David Scott

The following article ran in the New York Times Entertainment Supplement on June 7, 2009 and was written by Ande Morgenssen.

I am in the presence of a true God. David Scott was once probably the most adored human being on the face of the planet. The most glamorous and famous film actors and actresses would willingly go on their knees in public places to pleasure him; politicians invited him to dinner (and probably much more) and he became so revered that he had to have an entire head transplant and go into hiding.

His award-winning News From Earth X was watched by an estimated 400 million people a day and was translated into 700 different languages and dialects. If David Scott said he liked loganberries, then the demand for loganberries would far outstrip the supply. He was a walking one man economy; demigod and everybody loved him. But then it all started to fall apart, at a remarkable speed.

Scott pioneered devastatingly penetrative gossip reporting, revealing facts about the stars that made ones legs go wobbly. He did it in such a lovely fluffy way that the stars loved him because before long it was apparent, if Scott gave you the thumbs up, you were made for life, but if he didn't like you, death by carnivorous intestine beetles would be kinder. Do you remember Ashcroft Mannering? No, neither do I.

Before long his newspaper column had spread to the Internet, cable television, a high-profile BBC series, CDs, DVDs, exercise videos, top class porn - he had his long fingers in every pie. He had high profile friends such as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Stephen Hawking, Hulk Hogan, Judge Judy and Animal from the Muppets and there were articles about how his penis alone could solve world peace. David Scott was bigger than God, more popular than God and was estimated to then be earning almost twice as much money as God. Scott suddenly believed that if he was bigger, better and more popular than God then he therefore must be God. This was the beginning of the fall...

In 2005, his cable news show was dropped and this was followed by his syndicated radio shows, his newspaper columns, his own brand vinegar business and much much more. By the fall of 2006 he was reduced to writing News From Earth X from a free blog site, and yet he was still attracting between 5 and 20 people a day. Then he had his breakdown.

Today, despite having had a fourth face transplant and suffering slightly from gangrenous ears, Scott is both ebullient and reticent about his fall from grace, "Roger Stern was responsible for it; despite him being in a maximum security penal colony off the Virginia coast, he pulled all the strings and saw to it that never worked in infotainment again. The bastard is going to rot in prison, but he's making me rot in a prison of my own." However, there were countless allegations made at Scott, including sexually inclement behaviour, providing sexual favours to minors - his defence was he is dyslexic; extortion, embezzlement, trepidation and custard were also other allegations thrown at him and while he was lucky to escape with a penal sentence of his own, it pushed him over the edge and he was institutionalised at the request of his great grandmother, who had foreseen this happening in 1922, many years before David's birth and had her predictions locked in a safety deposit box in Poughkeepsie. "My great grandmother was a seer and without her input I would have ended up on the sludge pit of life, My time at the place of serenity and tranquillity was important and I learnt to master control over my ejaculations like never before. The idea of returning to infotainment was just not there."

But return he did and now, the new-look, NFEX is about to launch with exclusive stories that would make chimpanzees pee themselves with pleasure.... continues on page 7

Next time: the experiences of a comics professional who had the clip of a Bic pen top inserted into his Jap's eye on ejaculation; what Mark Waid has been doing since his spleen transplant; plus, genuinely, exclusive footage of the wives of famous comics artists in lesbian sex scenes.