Olympics Today with Frot Bangle and Vanessa Scourge

“Welcome back and the headlines are that Si Li Minj has won the first gold medal in the 10 metre kitten throwing competition for China and now for the weather with Heather Clunge, Heather?”
“Thanks Frot. The good news is that horrid warm weather that has been making everyone unhappy for the build up to the games has gone and been replaced by much lovelier wind and rain with colder temperatures. The outlook is ;pretty groovy too. More later. Vanessa?”
“Thanks Heather. Frot?”
“Thanks Vanessa. Over to our reporter who only speaks in understandable words 40% of the time, who is interviewing Usain Bolt. Over to you Skrim Persil.”
“Thanks Frot. I’m here with the world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt. How’s the frimble angly wibble?”
“It’s pretty funky dude.”
“Are you looking forward to the wingle splod bungle cheep and do you think mudsplurt bungle flot?”
“What the fuck are you talking about man?”
“Running. You’re fnurd with it, yes?”
“If you say so.”
“Will it be gold or will Yohann Scrimble boo pumble wich?”
“Just fuck off you creepy little man.”
“There you have it, Frot. Back to you Vanessa.”
“Thanks Skrim. Can I just add that Bolt has a phenomenally large cock. Benny Spoo is down at the Olympic site with some locals, Benny?”
“Thanks Vanessa; I’m here with a group of tourists who have just arrived here in Stratford. I have Jordan here from a place called Bim. Jordan what do you think of the games so far?”
“It’s bare good man.”
“Excellent. The man next you is Gunge from Leytonstone; what’s your first impressions, Gunge?”
“Why are you talking to us? No one gives a shit what we think. I’m just some fat bloke with a Bangladeshi mother who has been roped in by your otherly enthusiastic assistant producer, who seems to think your viewers will be enlightened by my utterly meaningless words. Answer me a question, Benny? Have you ever had an urge to get your tits out in front of all your viewers?”
“I’m a man.”
“Exactly.”
“Back to you, Frot.”
“Thanks Benny, those Brits, huh? They know much but show very little; a very inscrutable race. I remember meeting their Emporer once.”
“Don’t you mean Emperor?”
“Probably Vanessa, probably.”
“Before we go to the commercial break, can I just remind everyone that our own Pam Labia is performing in the Freestyle Patio Door this afternoon. But the controversy about last night’s opening ceremony is the thing haunting the organisers this morning, defending its decision to intravenously inject every person in the stadium with a powerful hallucinogenic drug; because of the ban on TV cameras or recording devices, we have no idea what took place after the 7 hour show; but some Olympic representatives have complained of sore bottoms this morning. Frot?”
“Thanks Vanessa. Piles, do you suffer from them? Then you’re not alone. Vanessa has enjoyed anal sex for years now, but the constant bleeding mingled with whoever’s semen inhabits her brown cavern has been a constant problem. You’ve probably noticed her wriggling her bottom at times when we’ve been presenting this show; well, there’s a cure and she’s trying it at the moment; we’ll keep you informed. Now over to Rupe Banoo who is at the Men’s 100 yard testicle squeeze. Rupe?”
“Thanks Frot; there’s proper excitement here at the moment because Vim Ribbald has just popped a ball. There’s blood everywhere and police have cordoned him off. We can still hear his screams and it sounds like he may have been nobbled by the North Korean Stin Kee Dong, who has been found with a razorblade stuck down his trunks. Frot?”
“Amazing. Utterly amazing. Can we get a shot of the split, Rupe?”
“No. No we can’t you fucking weird freak.”
“Okay, thanks for that, over to you Vanessa.”
“Thanks Frot; I’ve been looking for a fight, but none of you cunts wants to accommodate me. Now to Jim Fring at the Horse Felching at Harrods. Jim!”
“Thanks Vanessa; I’ve been meaning to ask you, can you still do that thing with a hat?”
“I can.”
“Excellent. The news here is that the horse has died and we’re hastily trying to find out if the rules can be altered, Dead Horse Felching doesn’t seem that different, but the man responsible for keeping the horse’s arse stocked with jizzum can’t get an erection at the prospect of fucking a dead horse, so the organisers are asking if members of the public would like to help; this has caused problems with the Americans because they approved the sperm of the original guy, but can’t vouch for the audience. It’s a mess here Vanessa and it could get ugly because the Kazakhstanis’ have just turned up and Jesus with an erection this team looks like a plastic bag full of lugworms.”
“Thanks Jim, we’re going straight over to Tracey Teabag at the Pox Scab Eating, Tracey?”
“Thanks Vanessa. I’m here at Hampton Court; the sun is up there behind the clouds, so we don’t have to worry about getting too warm and the people have been coming in their droves; so you need wellingtons to get through the main gate; it’s like a sugar-free diet syrupy mess there. But I have got really close to the action; several weeks ago, I had my anus bleached for my boyfriend, but they used the wrong kind of bleach and I developed nasty sores all around my anus and vagina. I then made a conscious decision to leave my pants on for a week, because I had the chance to be a practice pox scab contestant. I’d show you the report we made, but Julien the cameraman has locked himself in his editing suite with a box of tissues; he claims I have the cutest anus he’s ever seen and of course my boyfriend isn’t happy that people at work have seen my arsehole; he doesn’t seem to mind they also saw my yawning clam as well.”
“Surely Julian is spelt with an A?”
“Not our Julien. You must tell me later, over coffee, how you could tell how I spelled it. But first we have some action. We’re going over to the pool for action from the peeing in the pool over 60s. Jack.”
“Hi, I’m Jack Borage and we have a disqualification here. The Bolivian contestant has shit himself and it could not be contained within his trunks; therefore the pool is closed and they’re currently sifting it for sweetcorn. A lady passed out in the stands and a Malawian had sex with her while she was unconscious. Obviously this happened in the name of multiculturalism. Vanessa?”
“Thanks Jack. Over to star reporter Manu Manu who is with Britain’s first gold medallist, the newly crowned winner of the lung steak discus. Manu?”
“Manu manu manu manu. Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu?”
“Thanks Manu, it’s a great feeling. I want to dedicate this win to all my family who stuck by me through thick and thin.”
“Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu, manu manu manu manu manu? Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu?
“Yes, of course.”
“Manu manu manu manu. Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu?”
“Ha, that’s a good one, Manu. Yeah, I thought the Slovakian blew his chance when he got that unexpected erection; I thought the judges were a bit harsh by warning him. But, yeah, I think that’s exactly what he’s going to be thinking tonight. My god, I wish I was as handsome and witty as you, Manu.”
“Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu.”
“Get out of here! Do you really think that?”
“Manu.”
“Jesus, are you serious?”
“Manu manu manu manu manu manu. Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu.”
“Oh. I’m not sure, now you put it that way. Do we have to do that? We do. Okay let me think about it, okay?”
“Manu manu manu manu.”
“Yeah, but it’s Millar with an A not an e.”
“Manu. Manu manu manu. Manu manu manu manu manu manu manu manu.”
“Thanks Manu, we’ll check back later to see how things go. FROT!”
“Don’t shout you droopy bitch. I’ll be intrigued to find out what happens in that; but my feelings at this moment go out to the Rhodesians who have been disqualified from the Pie Chart for failing a pope test. That must be a kick in the sandbox for them.”
“Yes, Frot, but rules is rules innit geezer?”
“I suppose it is Vanessa. What’s your favourite moment so far?”
“I had a really massive shit about an hour ago; I‘d been holding onto it for ages and I think it got well stewed; anyhow, while you were watching the Beech Volleyball, I slipped away and let one go and Jesus it was almost as good as an orgasm; the sense of relief made my clitoris hard. I wanted to go to the Isle of Man straight away. Frot?”
“I got a lot of wood watching that. “
“What me having a shit?”
“No, the beech volleyball, you slutty bint.”
“Okay, sorry. Now more live action; over to Grod Punge with some more action from the pool with the 10 metre pissing. Grod?”
“Tom Daley has had to have a wank. He’s been sporting an erection for most of the day and the Chinese are complaining this gives him an unfair advantage and now Daley’s coaches are insisting that his penis would be slightly damaged after a fast one and it would hinder his piss arc. Now the delay has forced us to have to merge with the women’s event and there’s at least 22 competitors now sporting erections; some of the female contestants are masturbating themselves openly , because of course this aids women unlike men. Vanessa, is this scene making you moist?”
“It sure is Ted, scrummy.”
“After the break, I’m going to take a sharp sushi knife to one of Vanessa’s nipples; there’s more from Manu Manu; action from the track and a dwarf taking a shit in Carl Lewis’s mouth. See you after the break.”

Stiggly Boo

“My new movie is about a woman with massive piss flaps,” said Kathryn Bigelow, when asked for a synopsis. When asked how she will deal with such a sensitive issue, she said, “We’ll use prosthetics and I’ll sing Jerry Lee Lewis songs. I’ve always felt that the best way, but only on a Wednesday, to express yourself is with a milk pump.”

“Spleen Eater is the name of my new film,” said charismatic Ryan Reynolds, holding a cardboard cut-out of a ham sandwich. “It’s an indie road movie with Dutch people. I play a man who doesn’t know how to use a microphone, but only on a Wednesday.” He was then photographed next to a Hammond Organ.

Spike Lee has confirmed his next project will be a frivolous comedy about a black man who has the soul of a white nerd. Morgan Freeman has promised to stay away from production.

Molest My Mollusc is the new Jodie Foster project, based on the best-selling book by former swimmer Mark Spitz, who allegedly got sexual pleasure from covering his genitals with large African land snails and training them to sexually gratify him. Reports that Rock Hudson was coming out of death to play Spitz have proved to be unfounded and it is expected that Liam Neeson will play the swimmer as he appears to be the only man Foster allows near her.

Unconfirmed reports suggest Marvel’s next big screen adaptation will be a pornographic version of Millie the Model, but will feature no nudity. Sarah Michelle Gellar is regarded as a shoo-in for the role, especially as she doesn’t ever get naked. Internet pundits are saying Gellar is too old and is likely to only have a renaissance if she does actually get her tits out. However, one former boyfriend of the former Buffy star said, “Frankly, she has pathetic tits and they sag a little, which considering her age is a big deal; her minge always smelled faintly of lamb gravy too.”

The controversial new film from James Cameron has divided audiences at a test screening in Baltimore. The secret project is called Shit in 3D and features 97 minutes of footage taken by a hidden, splatter proof, camera placed in the last but one cubicle of a unisex toilet in a posh hotel – so only well-bred bottom bits were ever on display. Cameron calls it an ‘anthropological experiment’, but critics have called it an excuse to film something that most other people in the world wouldn’t even conceive of doing. One blogger suggested that Cameron, “was dancing with sheep while the world procrastinates” and another said, “Jim. Jim, oh Jim. Jimmy, Jimbo, Jimbula, JimJamJoo, what have you done? The girl taking a dump and fingering herself at the 38 minute mark, was that Halle Berry?”

Orville climbed the stairs, his massive, unsheathed erection proudly standing in front of him, ready to unleash its creamy goodness all over Gwendolyn’s tits; how he loved these days when his wife was away and it was just him and his 9 year old daughter, who for some reason had enormous tits.

Sitting on the dock of the bay, having a wank into the sea.

David Lynch’s new film is a comedy about two retarded men trying to lose their virginity in a convent. When asked who would be starring in it, he said, “Keira Knightly in drag and Sven Goren Erikson.”

The 43rd season of True Blood has just started and this series, Sookie and co are fighting giant alien Frankenstein monsters that shoot milk from their eyes. It also examines the reason why Americans struggle to pronounce the name Tara properly.

NBC’s announcement that it is to stage a Friends reunion has fallen foul of the USPCA because it intended to replace Joey with a dead wood pigeon.

The follow up series to Desperate Housewives, Husbands with shit for Brains has been cancelled.

No one likes a smart Alec, they prefer them slightly stupid with spots.

Prince Andrew is to star in a sexy comedy about a fat middle aged royal who basically shags anyone that fancies it and his hilarious adventures when he falls for a donkey.

Frank Miller’s new film is a fragrant reminder of how gentile and mild-mannered this former mental health out patient really is. “Fluffy the Sheep is a full on, in your face, examination of what happens to an animal when it is given a peculiar drink from the UK called Tizer. I think there is more blood in this than there is in a sperm whale.”

Quite why someone is leaving sculpted shit on my veranda is anyone’s guess.

JJ Abrams’s new TV series is called Splot and surprisingly it isn’t that much to do with time travel or mysterious events. It focuses on a man who has an incurable bowel disease and how he is recruited by the CIA because they think there’s an extra-terrestrial living next door to him. However, is the man from the CI really from them or is he barking mad? The series will star some people and have dialogue.

Mark Waid’s new comic is called Androgynous Sex Fiend and isn’t autobiographical as some people have been suggesting. 67 year old Waid, who has just been released from a secure mental institute after his last comic book forced the FBI to arrest him, has never quite been the same since he was famous.

Coming soon: Marvellous berries, Otter Man’s Empire, steal me things, Barking instead of shimmying, lachrymose toffee, boiled adlib, mangled chutney, dog daisy, melonkim, parasol defeat, shouting woman with a voice like a duck on the rampage with a submachine gun, Chivers Regal, pungent offspring and a baby’s arm thrust inside a working model of the queen.