Your Fuck Runs Out

More Headlines:

• The girl were sexually abused so badly its cunt caved in
• He practice his fucks
• Ice is frozen water
• Michael Smith is a violent and controlling paedophile
• Victims of sex crimes asked for it
• I'm not sure that larches are indigenous
• 1 in 56 children have massive cocks
• 11% of 9-year old girls have performed oral sex on their grandfathers
• Comics are made of paper, apart from comedians who are made of cheese
• Teenagers are abused regularly; many enjoy this
• Fear is the key
• Barns house horses
• Rape is fun
• Mushrooms are a different form of life, possibly alien
• January 13th is a date on the calendar
• Corduroy is a material
• seven is a prime number
• the lowest score you can get with a single dart is 23
• Sarah is quite sexy now she's been removed from her mother's womb
• Horticulture is all about plants
• Modesty does not become you
• Nudity is more fun for perverts than you'd think
• A pound of flesh weighs a pound
• nerves are important
• television is mindless
• Down's syndrome babies have something wrong with their minds
• laughing gas
• Roast beef
• carrots are not white and if they were, ugh
• ear wax
• cod peace
• love eggs
• on porpoise
• slavery is useful
• children screaming
• Seven is a prime number
• Iran is a country
• huge savings
• massive discounts
• poultry leg
• residential sex toy
• razor sharp rocks
• Australian navy
• Haj tar
• Hindu Goal
• Abdominal sex
• Irish eyes
• Velcro arm
• Standard rope bearers
• The Police think you're sick
• Mice and men
• pretend sex is only an orgasm facilitator
• Slash your neck
• Suffer the little children with sperm dribbling from their nasal passages
• bottom burp
• I'm disgusted by faecal drips
• Tense your bum
• People steal children
• 134 times I said no
• The fine imposed for mixed sex wards
• 35,000 people have committed illegal sex acts in Norwich
• prostitutes ask for it
• horror injury stops goat from having sex with epileptic
• ejaculate is mainly protein
• waste
• mix tape grapefruit
• hour glass fissure
• sore mouth
• Managing horse languages
• some doctors' enjoy playing with tits
• Horace is a silly name
• pen pushing flange wankers
• cock juggling thunder cunts
• right or wrong
• tight or loose
• Liz is a beaver
• psychopathic dentist
• 7 is a prime number
• slanty fuck
• frozen waste disposal
• slang terms for pussy
• pigs and pugs
• the police are guilty of abusing figs
• Robert
• it's just a small and warty mistake
• foxes are cute
• fangs for the memory
• argue all you want, this is sensible
• charity begins at Cromer
• Suffolk should be banned, so should South Virginia
• cigarettes fit nicely into young girls' quims - mini dildos!
• no

Wart Terror

The Headlines:

• It's cold in Siberia
• Europeans are more likely to speak Dutch
• Children are smaller than adults unless they are midgets
• The sun is far far away
• Mable is a girl's name not used as much as it was
• Cigarettes are not food
• Governments are not made of plastic
• Cars are dangerous
• Seven is a prime number
• Never trust a man with egg on his face
• Newsreaders are often in a state of flux
• Seven is a prime number
• Star Trek is fictional at the moment
• Bruce Banner is an alliteration
• Mammary glands are attractive to certain people
• Dominoes can be used as doorstops
• Peanut butter has no butter in it
• Barack Obama is technically not a typical American name
• Horses are fond of cress
• Chefs are unkind
• TV is a form of entertainment
• Larches are indigenous British trees
• Seventeen is a prime number
• Quails lay eggs
• Dung beetles are not made of shit
• Slaven Bilic is Croatian
• Homosexuals tend to be well dressed
• Tall is a relative term
• Rain is melted snow
• Brain doesn't have muscles
• Frog spawn is not made of jelly
• David is a boy's name
• Canals are not rivers
• An ejaculation travels at 22 miles per hour
• Corduroy is a strange word
• 27 is NOT a prime number
• Bread is a food stuff
• Pus is inedible
• Feet smell if encased in plastic
• Spelling is relatively important
• Ducks lay eggs
• Chinese people look differently to people from Belgium
• Cricket is both a game and an insect
• Faecal matter is generally unpleasant to clean your teeth with
• Cows are not sacred
• I know people with problems
• A tempest is a storm
• A tampon is a collection vessel
• Glass is made from sand
• David Cronenberg is a film director
• Jack Kirby is still dead
• Rugby is a town and a sport
• Edam is a cheese
• Insanity is madness
• Eggs are protein
• Stew is a thick soup
• Rabbits have ears
• Walls have ears
• Corn has ears
• Ears have wigs
• Car stereos are becoming obsolete
• Vagrants tend to be homeless people with beards
• Hair is dead
• Teeth do not itch
• Is Nova Scotia an island?
• Hallowed be thy name
• Pain is unpleasant unless you are a masochist
• Stealing is theft
• God is a DJ
• Black hole sun is a misnomer
• Printers are cheaper than peripherals
• Women have vaginas
• Platypus is an egg laying mammal
• Coffee is a drink
• Toes are on the end of feet
• Men struggle to find clitorises
• Swine fever
• Zeppelins are an outmoded form of travel
• Cans are made of tin
• Potatoes are food
• 16 is a fair and legal age for sexual intercourse
• Political parties have ideological differences
• People are unpleasant
• 7 is a prime number
• Hearts are prone to attack
• Kidneys get stoned
• Venom is snake poison
• Comics are generally made of paper
• Worms die if you cut them in half
• Flour is an interesting contraceptive
• Horses do not have feathers
• It is very dry in the Atacama desert
• Saliva grows in your mouth
• Mushrooms are an entirely different life form than mammals
• Cold is the opposite of hot
• Lukewarm doesn't always mean temperature
• Some gay men have a fear of shit
• Horses have bigger cocks than chickens
• A woman discharges over 3 pints of unctuous liquid every year
• Squids are not sexual apparatus
• God probably doesn't exist and if he did he wouldn't approve of unnatural sex acts
• You cannot find a heart valve in an old radio
• Ice rinks are dangerous
• Humans will do increasingly strange things to orgasm
• Muslims are as bad as the rest of us
• Or alternatively, we're as bad as Muslims
• Hell is a state of mind
• Most men would run away if presented with their heart's desire
• Most women would fuck it silly
• Seven is a film by David Fincher
• Most women only have anal sex because their partners want to
• Hats are useful
• Rats are clean by comparison
• A dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's
• Sucking a used tampon is probably not wise
• Piles are nature's way of telling you you crap too much
• A yo-yo is a toy
• Violins are small violas
• Kraft make poor cheese
• Hake is a fish
• New Zealand is very far away
• Star wars is fiction
• Rape is illegal in some countries
• Nipples do not shatter when frozen
• Bye

Rate My Children's Genitals

Knobchys

The news that Charlie Adlard has stolen the corpses of both Mike Wieringo and Mike Turner and is fucking both of them until his penis gets sore has angered a number of Parent Teachers Associations in Atlanta. Mrs Argobast, the senior advisor to the PTA said, "What kind of message is this sending out to our children?"

Steve Gerber was contacted by medium and was asked how he felt about dead comics creators being violated in such a way, he said, "Why does this never happen to me?"

Liam Sharp, another English fellow, said, "Huh, Charlie, he Ad Lard and now he travels. Ad Lard and travels? Geddit?"

Someone close to Mike Wieringo - his dead grandfather - said through some Muslim gauze that he felt that his grandson would appreciate his rectum being used in such a disrespectful way. "He always liked having things put up his backside. We were always pulling Lego bricks from out of it when he was a child."

Eleven Pounds of Anus Flesh

Tom Sutton might be the latest in a long line of comics artists to be dead. Arthur Adams said recently on Conan O'Brien that it was a curse and that people who worked in comics seemed destined to die, yet Stan Lee is still going strong. It must be an indication that most of what Lee did wasn't really classed as comics.

Adam Schlagman's Vagina Feast

Andres Alves has been outed as the latest boyfriend of Bob Fingerman and is believed to really like taking it up the backside. This led Conchita Alves, Andres' mother to ask the question, "why do some men like getting really stinking shit on their penises. Surely it is unhealthy and who would want to put it in their mouths once it is smeared with another man's bum do?"

That's a good question. I've been gay for most of my life, but I now believe it just means that I'm happy and carefree rather than a liker of man on man love.

The Girl with the Elongated Penis

Dan Brereton has revealed for the first time that he felates rabbits and has been doing so for a number of years. He claims it helps with his artwork technique and means he can prolong his own ejaculations for up to a year. He denies learning all he knows from Jim Starlin, but says they both did a lot of drugs during Secret Wars.

Mashed Warts

You have been warned.

Save My Lettuce

David Beckham and Ashley Wood are to perform operations on homeless children for a studio audience in Mexico in January. Beckham, 44, was hoping for someone more famous, but had to settle for a semi-famous man who copies other styles.

Beans are Good

Drew Rausch is having his spleen removed for charity and it is being replaced by a rat that has had it's teeth and eyes removed.

Hick Banana

I always thought Hilary Barta was a woman; even though he doesn't have a penis to speak of.

Dave the Boring Cola

Bob McLeod has admitted that he spent many years in the 1980s taking cocaine and screwing 13 year old girls, even admitting that many of the girls really didn't enjoy his cum in their faces or in their ears. McLeod, now serving 100 years in a state plenipotentiary for raping his grandmother and forcing his dog to have sex with his children is believed to be highly mentally unstable and not the same Bob McLeod who worked for Marvel Comics...

Try This

Jamie Rich made his money from child prostitution. Apparently he wasn't very good at fucking, but if he took his teeth out he could give a mean blow job.

You all smell of piss

Fucking the Carcass of God

Silly Things Gay Men Say...

I don't mind having sex with women as long as they don't mind having their arseholes ripped to shreds and having a mastectomy first.

It might look like chocolate, but it doesn't smell like it.

Ooh, he's done a woopsie on the carpet.

Can you suck my cock without grunting like a turkey?

There's a difference between being gay and sticking gerbils up your bum.

I don't like women, they smell.

All men are gay, some more than me.

Tom Hanks was only pretending to be gay; he never took one up the arse for his art.

Australians are really good at homosexuality.

I can understand why heterosexual men like women, but they discharge far more.

Lesbians are just sick.

All gay men like coffee.

If you suffer from piles I'm not sticking my cock in you.

If Superman was gay there wouldn't be any gay men left.

Contrary to what they tell you, most gay men are paedophiles.

However, most paedophiles are not necessarily gay.

I knew a woman once who liked taking it up the arse - was she gay?

Having a cock up one's bottom is a little like IBS.

A lot of gay men are really camp and irritating.

Things A Paedophile President of the USA Might Say...

I'm in charge, give me naked children.

I'm in charge, give me masked naked children so i don't have to look at their faces while I'm fucking them.

I'm in charge, bum Russia now.

My wife doesn't understand me and my children run away when I get close to the house.

I have a lot in common with Richard Nixon, except he was corrupt.

I like to masturbate to children's television.

My chief of staff supplies me with a lot of 6 year olds.

If there's one thing I hate about being president, its the bad grammar.

Things Dorothy L Sayers Whispered to Her Dog...

I like having sex with you' you have a very strange penis.

My books are all about sucking animals cocks.

I like having ice rubbed on my nipples; ice made from dogs' urine.

I have a lot in common with you, I like to drag my arse along the floor rather than use toilet paper.

I wish I had a cock so you could lick it.

Are you staying for tea or do I have to suffer again?

Items of Clothing That Paul Levitz Has Been Arrested For Stealing...

A bra.

A tin of cod roe.

Five.

Knickers.

A dog collar encrusted with excrement.

My wife.

A heavy metal sweatshirt.

Bad spelling.

A coat made from leeches.

A four year old girl's leotard after she had an accident.

A microscopic piece of Barbara Streisand's underwear.

Nice tea.

The Last Time Elvis Presley Farted These things Appeared in Memphis...

Lard in tin cups.

Cupid pictures.

A Tennis racket covered in whale sperm.

A doughnut.

More doughnuts, this time covered in iron filings.

The Nashville Teens.

A big dollop of pooh.

Nasal hair.

A collection of pornographic out takes from Star Trek films.

Bill Oddie.

Part of Kate Moss's arteriolar.

The nipple of doom.

Brasso.

Things Jesus Liked to insert into the end of his Penis...

Donkeys

Elves

Machine gun bullets

German film makers

Yoghurt with dried fruit

Cunts

Mary's discharge

John the Baptist's tongue

JRR Tolkien

Lamb

Tweed jackets

Horse flesh

Naan breads

Itching powder

Plane Tree root

Roofing tiles

Spaghetti - cooked

A yard broom

Black men

Rhesus monkeys

How to Wash a Troll...

Karen Brady

Karen Carpenter

Mary Chapin Carpenter

Helen Baxendale

Jennifer Jason Leigh

John Lassiter

Buzz Lightyear

Cory Haim

Morgo Vittenson

Peter Jackson

Desmond Dekker

Steve the Alligator

A pair of soiled Jeans - Simmons and Boht

Ill fitting scarves

Nanoseconds

Desperate measures

The Last Time A Gay Jesus Appeared in a Film about Kiddie Fiddlers...

A book of lists

Cartoonists with incurable diseases

Bacon fat

Blue Peter presenters sniffing gussets

Sesame Street gets banned because of sperm jokes

Marvel Comics employee charged with phlegm related offences

Arguing moles

Testosterone fuelled gang warfare

Insert penis

Lecturing on the downside of clowns

Eleventh hour psychos

Jesus was an impostor

American ignorance

French passion

German honesty

Zimbabwe

Cars with brains

Die

When was the last time you saw your mother naked?

Tumours of the Brain

Pictures of men brutally raping mermaids and images made entirely out of bison sperm are just two things.

Barry is a Wom

The life story of famous cartoonist Joe Sacco has been blighted by revelations that his spellchecker was wrong.

Starlings Eat Baby

Contrary to popular belief, Peter Milligan does not collect spleens from old women and feed them to his children. That, of course, is Steve Englehart.

Maiden Test Virginity

Eleven pounds of loose flesh is what was removed from Colleen Doran's vaginoplasty operation. The 'in her 40s' famous artist has apparently been fucked so many times that she has been returned to her previous state of beans.

Tensing your mussels

Gary Groth has been charged with supplying Muslims with young children for sexual purposes. Mr Groth has strenuously admitted to the charges, claiming that it will do wonders for his reputation of being a complete and utter boring twat.

Save My Lung

Marv Wolfman has been cleared of assaulting his wife in a Tarzana restaurant. Mrs Wolfman claimed her husband attacked her with a hamburger and forced her to eat a waitress's vaginal discharge while filming it for a programme about unusual eaters.

Tits

Robert Kirkman has admitted that he finds having the end of his penis stroked very gently is extremely wonderful; he especially likes it when its performed by 8 year old boys.

Exiting the drug Lord

Simon Bisley has admitted that he masturbates for Jesus.

Sick Bags for Shirley

World famous kung fu artist Paul Gulacy has not died as was reported by reporters. He has, in fact, just returned from hospital after having one of his testicle fiddled with by black nurses.

Disabled Turkey

Another less world famous artist, Jerry Ordway, is likely to be jailed next week for deliberately attempting to pervert the course of justice. Ordway, 67, is believed to have taken a shit on a judge in an attempt to prevent the sentencing of Tom Grummet on sexual harassment charges.

Belgium Labia

DC comics is to employ a woman.

Tin Tin is Gay

Former X-Men artist Dave Cockrum is being sued by Alan Moore after claims made by the 74 year old artist that he had a homosexual affair with the bearded wonder. Moore has issued the writ, which made counterclaims that Cockrum allegedly was seen wiping his cock on Bob Kane's grave.

There is no illusion

Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much.

Asphyxiated By Female Ejaculate

Strange Turkey

The new leader of the Labour Party in the Great Kingdom of Ingerland, Ed Millipede has publicly stated that he got elected on his two main policies - the fact that he has a larger penis than his brother Dave and he intends to revolutionise comics in the UK by subsidizing the industry when Labour get back into power. "United Britain lags behind even countries like Rhodesia in its production of comics; last year alone Siam produced more comics per square foot than we did. I intend to travel to Northumbria and Cumberland in the next few weeks to see what these counties can offer in a way of producing more better comics. I have a meeting with people in Malaya and joining the Dutch on an Antilles search."

When asked if he knew anything about the comics industry, Millipede took his trouser snake out, waved it at the Manchester crowd and said, "See it is bigger than David's!"

Bolshoi Toad

Frazer Irving has been named as the new artist on Ejaculate Now a modern reworking of Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Irving told us, "Do you know that Buy, Guy and Puy are the only words that end in UY? I am a fan of Pop Will Eat Itself and you are not my mum."

Apparently, after a journalist in Kent began stalking the young artist, he has since refused to release all his press releases through his mother, Beryl Irving. However, Mrs Irving has lived in Berlin since auditioning for the part of children's undertaker for an avant garde theatre production. She didn't get the job, but she liked Berlin so much she bought an apartment.

Larch Tree Incest

John Byrne's latest offering Die Nigger Scum is likely to cause some offence according to Mike Richardson of Dark Horse. "Yeah, it's inflammatory and inciteful." When asked what the last word meant, he quickly altered his stance and claimed the book would incite riots. The man responsible for some comics for the last few years went on to say, "John's been off the scene since he ate his own spleen for charity; this is a perfect way to reintroduce him to modern comics readers. It also acts as a handy handbook for offing jiggerboos who are disturbing your nice suburban neighbourhood. The first issus comes with dum dum bullets."

Recidivist in Dock

"I've never felt comfortable writing songs for comics," said Lady Gaga, posing in a Wonder Woman costume at the recent MTV awards. "Marvel produces three Lady Gaga comics, one for adults, and I have to write at least 15 songs a month and frankly that isn't taxing enough."

Entangled Frottage

Golf is back in the news and DC is producing Superman v Lex Luthor: The Belfry, a two part tale of the arch-enemies battle on a golf course for world supremacy. Carol Sugarak, the editor of the comic and possibly a made up spam name, said, "Golf is so big its almost as big as an elephant, but with smaller testicles. This could be massive; we're thinking of making it interactive." When asked when DC started to employ women again, we have not heard anything from her; but she did offer to sell me some Viagra.

Remnants

Garcia Lopez has officially retired from drawing and will concentrate on breathing now he has been diagnosed with lung cancer.

Flugle Hornrim Glasses

A copy of Strange Males #1 recently sold for over $1000 at an auction in Newark. When asked why this was worth so much money, the man who bought it claimed, "the artist spunked all over this issue's splash page. I'm going to try and clone him." We didn't fail to see the irony in his sentence.

Anteater Banana Bread

David Beckham's new comic Galaxy Stars, which depicts his US Soccer team as superheroes has flopped in the USA. It has however been a huge success in India, where they need something to block some drains for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games. Mrs Sheila Dikshit said, "Laugh at my name again you cunt and I'll have you!"

So Near Yet So Far: bathing beasties, fallopian tube blowers, titanic struggles, beef cake, boiled head, red mullet, ham burglars, vandal sags, opticians fluid, steak, various flies, meal worm, caustic soda bread, trained beagles and more.

Boiled in Semen

Tryptic Jostle

• Why bother with shaving unwanted pubic hair off when you can buy a comic called Pube Eater, a new kind of superhero from Tokyopop.
• Or, if you have trouble signing your name with your own jet stream of diarrhoea, then buy the new Diarrhoea Diaries from Dark Horse.
• If that doesn't appeal to you, then how about Gwenital Warts, a new adult themed Spider-Man book from Marvel.
• Alternatively, you could plump for Dysfunctional Lesbians about two girls who want to be gay but just love cocks and other male birds.
• From Avatar is a new William Bird book called 1001 Ways to Cook with Female Ejaculate, which is pretty self explanatory, except its written as a novel rather than a self help book.
• If you're in a playful mood, why not buy Avengers: Fuck You or even Captain America: Encased in Shit?
• DC is big in the trousers at the moment with 100 Best Superhero Erections and its follow up title The Next 100 Best Erections.
• Frank Miller is having his anus moved to his elbow for charity.
• Image Comics attempt to change the course of history with I Killed the Man who Impregnated My Mother with Me, but is actually redrawing a Betty & Veronica banned issue from the 1960s - the one where Betty becomes a hippy, gets her tits out a lot and smokes some grass.
• Illustrated Cello Stories is a new book from David Mack and tells of his lusting of cellos from all ages.
• Beats Me is a new comic from a small independent publisher about masturbatory abuse; it has just been optioned as a porn film for $30.
• The Hulk's 50th anniversary in 2012 is to be celebrated by a free gift being given away with each issue of the big green guy's birthday comic. real Hulk shit encased in quartz is being offered. ebaY expects a stample wave - which they described as a cross between a stampede and a tidal wave.
• On a similar theme, both Daredevil and the X-Men are threatening to boycott 50th anniversary celebrations because of pieces of plastic found in complimentary orange juice.
• Since being forced to reveal to the world how he actually works, Superman and the guide to his body reaches its 50th issue with a look at how the Man of Steel's butt hole works.
• Mark Waid's follow up to my daughter has been declined by several publishers. Waid's Britney about a comicbook writer who gets accidentally stuck in a lift with Britney Spears for two weeks, was said to be too close to reality for comics.
• Millennium Bookses new title 30 Days of the True Twilight Blood Diaries at Night with Vampire Slayers has been cancelled because the cover artist ran out of space.
• Imaginary Sculptures With Mucous is the new semi-autobiographical book from Jay Faerber; the 71 page graphic novel is drawn by Jae Lee.
• Neil Gaiman's new comic, The Cricket Massacres is not set inside a water vole as first reported.
• Ever popular comics review site Shoot Your Load has been closed down after a lawsuit from various publishers claimed that the website was being paid in under age prostitutes to allow bad reviews of their books, while favouring publishers who performed acts of sexual perversity on them.
• President Barry apologised to many people yesterday after a news story about comics found its way into White House briefings. Bazza explained that not everybody would understand.
• Human cloning gone wrong!
• Alan Davis has a family of hedgehogs held captive in the shed at the foot of his garden.
• Alan Moore is allowing his beard to write an issue of Batman.
• Howard the Duck's first public appearance in more than a decade resulted in the manduck being savaged by two pit bull terriers. Doctors are now fearful that the dogs might go mad.
• The horrors of testicular cancer are examined in My Balls at Your Disposal a new comic from the French.
• Aleisha Dixon is not the new writer on Flash.
• The latest offering from God comics is likely to cause offence in Muslim countries as Allah has again been portrayed in a non positive light. In Islam: Hot Bed of Gay Sex, Allah is portrayed as a pink flannelette wearing camp man wearing lipstick and happily wiping his festering penis on unsuspecting Christians. Muslims across the world just shrugged, wondering what the problem was.

Cross Porpoises

Never trust a man with a lemon.

Rancid Spleen Discharge

A Polygon of Virtue

After being fired from writing The X-Men for craftily blackmailing the editor to publish the story Laughing While All the children are Mutilated by Cretins, Mark Waid is back!

The 57 year-old former blondy haired man is writing a new series with Ron Lim doing the artwork. My Daughter is a strange book and is coming out from Top Shelf, mainly because it could be sold no lower on the shelves.

Waid, who held a massive press conference at the SDCC recently to unveil the project, explained a couple of extra details with me now that the restraining order has been lifted. "Obviously, as I have no children of my own, I had to use my imagination a lot on this," he said while eating a large plate of pasta fazool. "Ron really wanted to be involved in this project, but I explained to him that I really wanted either a paraplegic or an amputee to draw it. He was a real sport, he had his back broken and one of his legs amputated. I asked him if he could do without his left hand, but he has trained himself to masturbate with that hand, so it seemed a bit unfair."

When I asked him exactly the story was about, he told me this, "I'm focusing on the period between her 13th birthday and when she loses her virginity. A fourteen hour period of time. The action starts with me dry humping my car because my daughter has just started sunbathing in the garden and I'd not noticed what a fantastic pair of tits she'd developed over the summer.

"What happens next is pretty predictable. I watch all the hot blooded males walking past my yard ogling at my daughter with massive erections, so I decide that I'm not going to be able to survive knowing that she's just waiting to be raped by one of these pricks, so I decide to be her first fuck."

I pointed out that the subject matter was a bit, you know, stereotypical, especially of American men, but he just shrugged and continued, "The problem is, once I decide to do it I have to make sure it's done properly; so I kidnap her, anonymously, of course, and then subject her to all manner of horrible tortures I could dream up before finally relieving her of her cherry. There's a real shock ending!"

I ask him if his daughter knows it's him all along and loves it so much, she continues having an incestuous relationship with him? He nodded and broke down in tears.

Slap and Tickle

Is the world ready for Super-Pope versus Evil Pope? And if it is will Frank Cho be able to hold onto his load for long enough?

Super-Pope travels the world righting wrongs and ignoring anything in the name of God, but Evil Pope has a plan to give condoms to all the jiggerboos in Africaland. Super-Pope and his team of buxom super wenches attempt to take Evil Pope out. But the battle goes wrong and Super-Pope ends up getting involved in a 3-way with a condom-wearing Evil Pope and one of his flock. He falls pregnant with the Anti-Christ and is eaten alive by thrushes, from hell.

Frank Cho has recently converted to Catholicism.

Global Scrotum

A film about an ambidextrous amphibious cartoonist debuts at the Cannes film festival next year. It has no bearing on reality. Gay television.

Extreme Epiglottis

Did we ever agree on what exactly a lignum was.

Consoling words from the archbishop were not going to stop Peter Parker from starting a lesbian relationship with a vending machine.

Adoring Pubic

The news that the new redesigned Captain America is going to have a penis has shocked the world. That Hickman fellow who is responsible for the revamp claims its the only way to get fans reading the star spangled spastic's adventures again. "We thought of having a cock shaped shield, but opted instead for the penis outside the over-trunks look. Dale [Eaglesham] had a riot drawing many comedy penises. We also have a supporting cast that includes a felating llama, sixteen eyeballs and the theft of chops from a local butcher. This is cutting edge stuff, baby!"

La settimana prossima: Bisogni di Constance; gli shrews di balletto, i ramoscelli rabbiosi, i grandi seni con panna montata, i femmes violenti, pesci del gruppo, li hanno lasciati fanno un panino da questo, il letame della mucca del rhinestone ed i monaci criminosi and not forgetting bustine di tè macchiate merda Russa!

Shirley Temple's 1930s Quim Stories

Pilfering Grass

KPC is making a comeback, especially in the deep south of the USA and France. KPC or Kiddie Porn Comics was launched by a group of famous writers and artists in 2007, but they wore sheets over their heads and all spoke in fake Scottish accents.

The first releases from KPC were just essentially sick jokes turned into 20 page stories. However, within a few months the company attempted it's most famous project to date, Behind Hannah Montana's Hymen. A fictional look at a fictional character's unbroken sex organ, BHMH broke many of the rules, but was ignored by censors and animal rights organisations because of the immaculate way the artist managed to draw Montana naked. Martin Kurtzberg of the CCA said, "Hell, there isn't a grown American man alive who hasn't fantasised about seeing Billy Ray's lil' gal in the buff, or maybe even some open leg shots and the younger the better we at the CCA say!"

Quite a change in direction for the once highly popular CCA. Frank Miller said, "They're all just a bunch of self-serving bastards. The artist is one of their grandchildren - you mark my words!"

Anyhow, that's all history. KPC launch a plethora of new titles onto the already flooded market in January. The first is In the Back of Your Car, a three-part mini-series about a paedophile who kidnaps pre-pubescent children, forces them to have disgusting acts of degradation with him before killing them and dumping their bodies into a meat processing plant. This is followed by Gloria Estefan: Miami Cunt Machine, another 3 part story detailing the sordid and sometimes highly illegal business the entertainer had running sex slaved children from Havana.

The first triplet of titles is completed with Lesbian Single Mother Torture Porn Paedo, the true story of a stunningly attractive 26 year old woman who is a kiddie fiddler and mass murderer, believed to have molested and eaten at least 2000 children over a 4 week period in Santa Monica in 2009.

NFEX contacted Santa Monica PD to ask them what they felt about this comic book company producing a comic about the murders that made the killer look like a superhero. Chief Bob Slunge had this to say, "I have no idea what you're talking about, young lady. There hasn't been a female paedo killer in these parts for centuries. We haven't had 2000 children go missing over a month and will you stop stroking my leg?"

Spiny Anteater

The summer is a notoriously slow time for news - nothing happens. George Perez accidentally flushed one of his kidneys into the LA sewerage system and has still yet to find it and is undergoing dialysis as we speak. Marc Silvestri has seven unpaid speeding tickets. Bryan Talbot has checked himself into a convent for a week in September; the Sisters of Barium Meals and Bondage is a small but selective convent on the outskirts of Skelmersdale. Cliff Robinson might be dead and Al Williamson almost certainly is, although his wife is refusing to stop hugging the body. Bruce Banner has gone on holiday to Samoa and

Verboten!

Tang! is a new comic about a woman with serious vaginal odour syndrome or SVOS. A rare condition that means your vagina smells of all manner of exotic fruits mixed with a putrid glucose like discharge that tastes like earwax. To complicate matters, the sufferer, Mary Hunt, is also very ugly and is oddly shaped, making her look a little bit like the moon people from that Harryhausen film with Lionel Jeffries in.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Steve

Soon having no talent will be a thing of the past, thanks to Microswift's new software that enables you to draw like your favourite artist and write like your favourite inker! Marvel plans on completely resurrecting Jack Kirby's creations but with the added twist of them being written by a porn dialoguist.

Salmon Rusty

Is dead.

Gone fishing...

Suck the Soiled Tampon

The Association of Convenience Whores

Incontinence is a problem often looked at in the pages of comicbooks; most notably by the Hulk, whose battle with IBS has been well documented. Hulk: Splosh is to get a reprinting this month as Shit Awareness Month gets into full swing. But the most eagerly awaited graphic novel for a long time is My Dribbly Bottom: The Story of a Weeping Anus by Frank Miller. Allegedly, a semi-autobiographical tale of a comics artist with IBS and his obsession with going blind. Miller actually got mentally retarded children to re-enact the sex scenes so that he could draw it proper.

DC have their own line of anal products coming out, the highlight being Superman: Dump Mound by Jim Lee and Beau Smith. This fascinating premise explores what would happen if Superman had a really runny Guinnessy splattering shit over a major city. The story was originally thought up by someone else, but market testing discovered that most Glaswegians think their city is covered in shit.

The Cantankerous Pelvis

"My 8-year-old can swallow up to a pint of semen, provided she's doing the sucking."

Mangle Your Mayor

Small press doesn't get the exposure in these pages like many twisted saxophonists believe it should. The reason is simple - if these people had talent, they'd be working for one of the 218 comics publishers or working on one or many comics of the 1.2million titles published every month. Wouldn't they? Obvious, innit? Very few people don't make money from comics nowadays. Economics, innit?

My Fist is Slimy

There are a number of new titles coming out in the next few hours, but one of the most intriguing is Herge's recently discovered Tin Tin strip called Tin Tin and the Mysterious Bell End.

What sets this apart from other Tin Tin books is that Snowy is replaced by a giant talking penis with an enormous bell end and a great hairy ball sack. Tin Tin doesn't appear to notice for best part of the 64 page graphic novel, until the effects of the narcotics he took begin the wear off. He then realises it was all a dream and proceeds to perform felatio on Snowy while the Thompson Twins video it for posterity.

Aficionados claim it is a hoax as video cameras hadn't been invented in 1928, when Herge is reported to have drawn this adventure.

Regular Fries

Archie Andrews' battle with pancreatic cancer has been highlighted in a small section of Harry Hill's TV Burp.

Orange Prick

It continues to be summer. The traditional time of the year. Therefore unless you want to know which supposedly heterosexual Marvel beefcake is sleeping with at least two DC employees, we'll take caffeine pills and try to finger the vicar's wife.

Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin ha cunts!

George Clooney's Celebrity Paedophile Ring

Foetal Sex

"I've always wondered if transsexuals got saggy breasts when they get older," said Jim Starlin when asked about his latest project. "I decided that this question should be the premise of my new series; so i took heaps of drugs and drank the blood of 8 year-old boys and came up with Drug Crazed Blood Lust Trannies and it comes out next week."

Anal Flute

The amazing life of a young woman in the prime of her life, who chose to follow comics creators around is to be adapted by Image Comics. I was a Teenage Comics Groupie tells the story of Cynthia Schitz, the infamous Madame of Marvel as she was known during the 1990s.

Schitz's story is simple; when she was 14, she attended a signing of Bill Sienkiewicz's Stray Toasters and caught the eye of the creator, as this excerpt from her memoirs reveals:

"It was a hit steamy August day, the temperature was touching 100 degrees and my brother billy wanted to go to Rocket Comics, our local store. He said that some freaky artist guy was doing a signing. I thought, 'hmm, the place is going to be full of smeggy dicks and fucktards, just the kind of place to show off my newly developed titties', so I put the smallest shorts on I could find and a really sheer chiffon blouse that really could disguise shit, no bra and to add a little twist, I had a little bit of blue string hanging from my crotch, which made it look like I was menstruating. Billy, being a fag, was more interested in the size of Peter Parker's cock than anything else, but had he been a heterosexual brother, he probably would have wanted to fuck me. Anyhows, we got to the store and there was a queue as long as Officer Dibble's erect penis. But they all parted, like the red sea or my minge after the principal had his way, and I waltzed straight up to Bill Sienkiewicz, who, it has to be said, was mightily impressed with the way my fat juicy nipples poked out of the front of my now unbuttoned blouse. He took me out back and on a box of old Batman comics, he gave me a 45 minute reaming that left my vagina blue and bloody, but streaming with spunk. I then told Bill how old I was and that if he didn't ensure that I slept with 100 comics creators before I turned 16, I was going to release the video I'd taken of him defiling my pussy and bum, with the camera that all good comics shop install in their stockrooms in case employees go for a quick wank."

However, in a bizarre twist, Sienkiewicz flatly denies these claims, "I didn't go on a signing tour of Stray Toasters and if she's talking about August 1988, I was in the UK at the time running a crack den for illegal immigrants with Alan Moore."

The Potsdam Treaty Explained

Since the cancellation and liquidation of Archie Comics last year, an entrepreneurial young Australian called Bradley Twong has purchased the company and will start producing new Archie Comics in 2011.

As you all know what's coming, I won't even bother.

Daft Cunt

TokyoPop are to release 1001 Things You've Never Wondered About in English and Ukrainian. The self-help manual that has sold over 1 billion copies in Japan alone and is expected to be the biggest selling chunky comic of the year.

The manual examines such things as what microscopic creatures live inside your partner's vagina, whether or not you can weave carpets from pubic hair, how to train wood lice, what its like to be a door, what it would be like to ejaculate on the moon, why don't we eat our dead, is it possible to have sex with a sperm whale and would it know, what lives inside hairy moles (the kind on your face), what do you do if an eight year old offers to perform oral sex on you and whether or not cats are likely to die if you tie them to a large fish.

Replay Hedge

Jim Woodring has been declared quite normal by a Milwaukee High court after complaints were made by the owners of a tadpole factory. However, the 53 year-old artist complained bitterly about only being declared 'quite' normal. "I'm totally fucking normal; none of this 'quite' shit. I ought to tip shit into their smoothies and make the fuckers give themselves enemas with the liquid." Said a justifiably irate Woodring at a nearby campsite for the bereaved.

Slap Festy

Bill Willingham lost his penis in a bizarre accident when he was 50 and now has to pee out of a soda syphon. This is not the Willingham who created comics and stuff, but a Waitrose employee from Chiswick.

Collecting Runny Poodles

Peter Parker is becoming a vegetarian, at least according to OK magazine. The periodical claims that Parker (believed to be in his 20s or 30s) has decided to give up eating meat, including fish, in favour of a diet of dead flies and sugar. When asked if flies were a form of animal, Parker's agent said, "Not if they're dead they're not."

The Girl with the Phenomenal Nipples

Marvel has been forced to apologise profusely after an unplanned wardrobe malfunction happened in a recent issue of The Defenders. It appears that one of the supporting cast, one of the ones not based on any one in particular, lifts her skirt and gives a full vaginal flash, revealing not a clitoral piercing, but also what looks like the string to two love eggs.

It was later divulged that the woman was actually Brandon Peterson wearing a latex clunge suit that he has been helping to market for Mattel. Some people will do anything for some free PR.

The Drawbacks of Dry Intercourse

Sadly the funeral of Matt Wagner has had to be postponed yet again because the creator has still not died. Wagner who is believed to not be suffering from any terminal illness was given between 1 and 50 years to live by a specialist in 2003. This prompted many fans to ask if Gareb Shamus is still alive and whether he still has some brain function.

Atrium of Terror

The Metal Men are being brought out of cold storage to help in the advertising promotion for a new kind of haemorrhoid cream. Doc Magnus restores the team, but with one fatal flaw - they all have irritable bowel syndrome and can't shit straight. It's up to Tina and Doc Magnus to administer Wipex Pile Cream to their sore bottoms before the world is taken over by a huge shit eating monster from the metallic planet of Dump.

Next week: Barrington Wedgely on his successful rise from idiot to asshole; the state of play, large glasses, pounds of flesh, hooting crayfish, ear skin, glue vine, glue ear, glue stick, glue pot, gloop, vengeful spirits, Bill O, poor slip, cow slip, cock slip, slap and treacle, acoustic orgasm, ventricle ape, show us yer tits, artists in drag, writers with herpes; the Dutch's cap, rest in piece, knobchys und flung

Love of Rhythm Methods

Buffalo String

A new comic from Mark Bagley is Skidmarks on My Leg about the artist's struggle in his childhood and how people used to wipe their arses on him. "It was pretty humiliating at times, but it used to give me a massive boner, so there was always something positive coming from it." But why tell the world about it? "The backlash I received when I did some work on the X-Men was so vitriolic and vile that I decided the only thing I could do was show these detractors that I'm just a guy with a anal problem. Perhaps they would see me differently, or even like me."

Doubtful one that.

Anal Flute

The amazing life of a young woman in the prime of her life, who chose to follow comics creators around is to be adapted by Image Comics. I was a Teenage Comics Groupie tells the story of Cynthia Schitz, the infamous Madame of Marvel as she was known during the 1990s.

Schitz's story is simple; when she was 14, she attended a signing of Bill Sienkiewicz's Stray Toasters and caught the eye of the creator, as this excerpt from her memoirs reveals:

"It was a hit steamy August day, the temperature was touching 100 degrees and my brother billy wanted to go to Rocket Comics, our local store. He said that some freaky artist guy was doing a signing. I thought, 'hmm, the place is going to be full of smeggy dicks and fucktards, just the kind of place to show off my newly developed titties', so I put the smallest shorts on I could find and a really sheer chiffon blouse that really could disguise shit, no bra and to add a little twist, I had a little bit of blue string hanging from my crotch, which made it look like I was menstruating. Billy, being a fag, was more interested in the size of Peter Parker's cock than anything else, but had he been a heterosexual brother, he probably would have wanted to fuck me. Anyhows, we got to the store and there was a queue as long as Officer Dibble's erect penis. But they all parted, like the red sea or my minge after the principal had his way, and I waltzed straight up to Bill Sienkiewicz, who, it has to be said, was mightily impressed with the way my fat juicy nipples poked out of the front of my now unbuttoned blouse. He took me out back and on a box of old Batman comics, he gave me a 45 minute reaming that left my vagina blue and bloody, but streaming with spunk. I then told Bill how old I was and that if he didn't ensure that I slept with 100 comics creators before I turned 16, I was going to release the video I'd taken of him defiling my pussy and bum, with the camera that all good comics shop install in their stockrooms in case employees go for a quick wank."

However, in a bizarre twist, Sienkiewicz flatly denies these claims, "I didn't go on a signing tour of Stray Toasters and if she's talking about August 1988, I was in the UK at the time running a crack den for illegal immigrants with Alan Moore."

The Potsdam Treaty Explained

Since the cancellation and liquidation of Archie Comics last year, an entrepreneurial young Australian called Bradley Twong has purchased the company and will start producing new Archie Comics in 2011.

As you all know what's coming, I won't even bother.

Daft Cunt

TokyoPop are to release 1001 Things You've Never Wondered About in English and Ukrainian. The self-help manual that has sold over 1 billion copies in Japan alone and is expected to be the biggest selling chunky comic of the year.

The manual examines such things as what microscopic creatures live inside your partner's vagina, whether or not you can weave carpets from pubic hair, how to train wood lice, what its like to be a door, what it would be like to ejaculate on the moon, why don't we eat our dead, is it possible to have sex with a sperm whale and would it know, what lives inside hairy moles (the kind on your face), what do you do if an eight year old offers to perform oral sex on you, what the world record for squirting runny shit out of your arse and whether or not cats are likely to die if you tie them to a large fish?

And there stand our chickens.

Replay Hedge

Snoring - not the kind of subject you'd imagine for a comicbook is it?

Next we will eat your children's toys: sentient oil, large hadron colliders, meths, Cary Grant, leeches of varying varieties, slim built fags, huge boils and tepid scuzz.

Spangly Poindexter

Atrium Goon

Desperate to remain a leading light in the comics book industry, Rob Liefeld (amazingly rarely seen in these pages) is to chop off one of his hands, live on television, to promote his new comicbook - The Hand of Sod.

Leifeld explained, "I realised that I'd spent so much time drawing badly and masturbating that tghe only thing I could do to prevent it would be to start drawing left handed and to chop off my right hand, which, to be fair, was beginning to small constantly of jizzum and smegma - not that I have a lot of smegma, because I'm always pulling my hood!" Lefield, 47, is considerably older than he looks, but has constantly failed to obtain himself even a mail order bride. His long time friend and colleague Erik Larsen said, "Rob Lefeild is a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body. He desperately wants to have sex with women, but almost always end up shooting his load into some black boy's anus. Rob has lots of black boys around his studio and all of them walk funny and wear nappies."

Polymer Capitalism

A truly remarkable thing has happened in the United States of Britain in the last week. The country has elected a new president, who as part of his inauguration speech suggested that tax breaks would be aimed at his favourite creators, even if they don't live there.

Britainshire's new top dog also said that he would banish Canadians from his country, claiming, "They're all paedophiles with good manners - that's disgusting!" One confident newspaper journalist questioned whether it would be better if Canadians were all antisocial and violent paedophiles and the President had the journalist decapitated in front of his adoring minions.

Leading Comics historian and screaming faggot Paul Gravel said he voted for the new man because he thinks he has more chance of getting support for his elderly mother than he has from the Social Equality Party who have ruled in this lands since the 1920s and have banned Nerd Hunting from the wastelands of Lincolnshire.

However, the rest of the Britisher press have yet to reveal the name of the new numero uno of Britland politics, but some people believe it might be Peter Hogan former DC employee and thoroughly decent average bloke (or so it says here on his press release).

Harmony Dung Beetle

Mark Millar is an impostor! The 47 year old Scottisher is in fact a complete construction by 53 year old civil engineer Alex Barfly. "About 15 years ago, after unsuccessfully attempting to break into the comics arena, I hired this young lad called Nick Boom from Glasgow to pretend to be a guy called Mark Millar. He took my scripts around to car boot sales, pubs and comics events and tried to sell them and eventually got a gig with DC and went on to become the greatest human who ever lived. Yet, there is strong evidence to suggest Mr Barfly is correct.

At this year's San Diego Comics Fuckaroo (as it has now been renamed), Millar (or perhaps Boom) was asked to quickly throw together a script involving three leading comics characters. The results featured Spider-Man, Superman and Spawn sitting on toilets and lighting their farts while getting pissed on strong industrially produced cider - which according to Barfly is what Boom does when he's not paid drug money to pretend to be Mark Millar.

Obviously this comes as a complete shock because most people thought Spidey, Supes and Spawn were out there fighting baddies and having complex lives; but instead they sit around in a Glasgow flat all day belching and trying to singe their anal hairs. One prominent blogger said, "Who gives a fuck about Millar, I want to see the kind of blow back that Kent achieves!"

Death by Chalky White

David Mack has been arrested for injecting heroin into a schoolboy's scrotum.

Salad Dream

Rancid beef was top of the menu for this year's Eisner awards dinner. This was because someone left the cow out in the rain. The big winners this year failed to show up and a host of unknown friends, acquaintances, editors and dinner ladies all lined up to collect the awards. Every single award this year was won by a South Korean creator who is believed to be dead.

Condom Parsley

Garcia Lopez has incredible powers of erectile ability. He can obtain an erection almost immediately and can sustain them for up to 6 hours. This makes him the most popular person in the world of sex starved superheroes - men or women. However, the young Mexican with the amazing penis has one slight problem - he has halitosis and cheesy feet. Obviously this looks like a job for the intrepid Deodorant Man, but he's off on the moon being diplomatic with the cheese people. It's up to the frightening Mega Clunge to help young Lopez in the arts of bathing, penile hygiene and how to pleasure a woman with a seven foot clitoris.

Vibrating Spoon

In a massive cut back on sexual content by Marvel, the almost puritan comics company (unless its decapitating gays) have announced that this year's Marvel Illustrated Swimsuit Special will be all text.

Claudia with Peat Balls

The image could become as iconic as the blood splattered smiley face on the cover of Watch Men - the 1980s historical series about clock makers. But the cover of Thug #1 could have an even more iconic image thanks to artist Matt Baker. It features just a can of Tenants Special, lying on its side, in a deserted road, with just a small child urinating furiously into the mouth of a wounded tramp. If you want to know why this image is so strange, you'll have to buy the complete 500 issue run of Fantastic Four and colour in the 20th letter of each comic red, these then form a word that spells out what Thug is all about. Or so someone said.

Eagles of Soft Fruit

The death of Frank Frazetta has meant that the sale of his stolen works can be hastened. DC, who stole the works many years ago, were trying to sell them as Boris Vallejo paintings and were even forced to remove the fantasy artists hands and tongue to prevent him from saying he didn't draw them.

Next time: Holly Bush - she's prickly; Banana Joe - he's thick and yellow. Joyce Danvers explains what its like to have a daughter who constantly dies and gets reborn and Steve Banner, Bruce's long lost half brother, spills the beans on how his shoes got stolen.

Carnival Christburgers

Brake Neck Speed

Jesus Loves You Comics and Collectibles in Madison, Wisconsin, has been forced to close after 9 years of trading when the owner was arrested in connection with a goat selling operation. While no goats were found on the premises, police did find faeces that either belonged to a goat or possibly a sheep. The owner is also facing accusations of bestiality and hormone replacement therapy.

Wretched Freemasons

Gene Ha's new graphic novel about his own tongue is due to hit comics stores on Friday. The first issue comes with a free gift - a Hammond organ and a guide god for the blind.

Syllabub and Sandals

The Australian Comics Federation has sanctioned the release of three new titles from controversial Bonza Comics. Kangaroo Tits is the tale of an Aborigine drifter who enters into a bizarre love triangle with a kangaroo and a half rotted Wombat. Tinnies In'er tells the story of a Brisbane woman with an unbelievable cold vaginal orifice, who rents it out to rugby fans on match days to keep the beer cold, The last book, possibly the most controversial, is Queensland: Cunt Like an Axe Wound, which chronicles the bizarre lives of Townsville prostitutes and the unsavoury things they get up to with crusty sheep farmers and gecko loving bank clerks.

Gross Ineptitude

God Squad is the latest blockbuster launch from Marvel that tells the true story of the history of the world. The seven-part mini-series from a host of top drawer names and Mark Bagley begins with the creation of God's Squad and how God, overcome with boredom, creates an entire universe to destroy.

In the second issue, God teams up with some friends: Qingu - a dragon god with a thing for mini dresses; Shamash - a sun god and also advocate of hydroponics; Enki, god of semen and wisdom, who is a wee bit camp; Juturna - goddess of healing and chopped pork and ham; Ahura Mazda, god of the skies and Japanese car dealerships in Tehran and Ganga, a goddess of water who has no legs. God has great fun assembling this team of gods, so he creates an entire planet full of people for them to lord it over and kill as and when they want.

In issue 3, we are introduced to the Evil 8 - Mohammed, Zeus, Set, Odin, Jupiter, Quetzalcoati, Shiva and Princess Di - these will become God's Squad's most fearsome enemas; constantly fighting them over parking rights and elevated cholesterol levels. Issues 4 to 7 are basically one non-stop naked ejaculation scene as the creators attempt to have the longest cum shot in the history of everything that ever was and will be.

Raucous Porridge

The spastic by the door is related to the receptionist. She took some time off to eat babies in Namibia. She is also campaigning for people's awareness of otter spunk.

Next: polyurethane sandwiches, holy lamb, bee bop, crazy guitar, Hank Wangford, stoma, octagonal geese ...

The Crap in You

NOW ON FACEBOOK!!!!

Announcement: The NFEX blog was hacked into last week by someone purporting to be David Scott, writing an editorial about the state of the industry. David Scott never editorialises; this was an impostor and someone who obviously has a very small and dysfunctional penis. We now return you to our normal service:

Latex Cauliflower

Jae Lee is back in the news after claiming on his website that if he didn't get the new Iron Man gig, he would, 'wipe my cock on every under age girl in the state of Minnesota'. To our knowledge, Lee has never been to Minnesota, so this could be a bonus for comics fans there, especially if they're under age girls - get that penile smear autographed!

Devastating Diseases

In what could be one of the greatest stories ever uncovered in these pages, we have news that will shock and appal a number of people. I was trapped because of the volcano problem on a remote Greek island, where I just happened to be sharing the island with Bruce Banner, who often goes there for some R&R. Me and Bruce go back a long way and he'd been on the island for 3 months, which led me to ask him about the current Hulk comic. This is what he said:

"I'm considering taking Marvel to court; they have breached the rules of my contract and they have blatantly been making shit up about me. I told them, 'I'm going on vacation, you'll just have to run reprints or put the damned thing on hiatus.' But it seems they didn't listen to me. The last time this happened they unleashed that pathetic storyline where all those multi-coloured Hulks appeared; this really pissed off the Hulk and whenever I let him out to smash a few rocks or have a hot dog, he got really upset about it, claiming that the world was being taken over by Joseph and his technicolor She-Hulks. I had to sedate him with drugs and naked women."

He continued, "Yeah, so I'm like really pissed off with these cunts. All the current stuff is totally made up, none of it happened to me. I've never met with adamantium knife wielding psychopath before." I pointed out that he had during the early 1990s. "Yeah, but not one who looks like this. Do Marvel's readers really believe I'd have that much trouble against this pleb? I've been talking to DC, but they claim there's a shortage of green ink at the moment and if I'd consider changing colour to pink they might consider a transfer fee. Let me just tell my adoring fans, Marvel are fucking with you, homies. These stories are not about da Hulk, they're some figment of the imagination of some dog arse sucking scrotum bag of nepotism. I'd blame Joe Quesada, but he's just a fucking dribbling fool nowadays, the real power is the Leader."

Fortunately for both of us the volcano went away and we flew home. Me by DC10 and Bruce via his legs. He had orange trunks on. Claims they're going to change the way people think about him. Fat chance, the man is as mad as a dozen cunts with rabies.

Vaginal Discharge

A new anthology of banned 1960s comics is being released next month. Gene's Colon Explosion features work by Adam Austin while he was drawing for men's health magazine Motions in Motion. We don't really need to tell you much more, do we?

Slow Death Cooker

Dale Eaglesham has admitted that he is addicted to heroin and has sold his younger sister into a paedophile ring to pay for his $6000 a day habit. Standing in front of a court in Bailey, Maine, Eaglesham admitted stealing a tin of hot dogs in brine and some salad cream from Dusty's Road Side Supermarket and Gas Station and falsely buying women's underwear using an expired store card. The artist was released on bail and told that his crimes, if found guilty, will probably lead to him having to donate a kidney to a dying black child.

Pivotal masonry

The remains of Milton Caniff have been stolen from the family crypt, ground into powder and have been mixed with seeds from a rare Amazonian plant in the hope of growing some old newspaper strips. Scientists have said if they can perfect this, they'll invent a time machine and bring a young Jack Kirby to the future where they will torture him and chop his fingers off.

Jewish Sponge

A new comic from Jonathon Hickman is likely to cause problems amongst several sections of society on its release. 5 Black Cunts is a disturbing tale about the sexual degradation and abuse of 5 jiggerboo kids from the deep south. Hickman, a known racist and member of the white supremacist group 'Kill Anyone Wot Aint White' or KAWAW, feels justified with his new project, "We have a Muslim coon in charge of our fair country; I want to do what I can to make people aware of what an evil commie this fucker is, that's why my comic has his two daughters being subjected to the most abuse. I especially like it when the heroes use Malia's mouth as a toilet for 6 months.

The NSPCC - National Society for Perfecting Cruelty to Children have applauded the comics daring strategy and have awarded Hickman with a life time achievement award, despite the writer only being 17.

Cod Peace

Tired of the constant stream of immigrants coming into your country? Move to their country instead. Become a dictator. Plough your 4x4 through fields of peasant shit and remember to have your comics standing order shipped to you by UPS, because the industry needs you, wherever you decide to cause mass hysteria.

Savage Garden

I recently met up with Kevin Plunder, who has been working as a special needs teacher in Svalbard. The former hero and subject of at least 23 failed comic book attempts, gave up appearing in comics in 1999 and has since been teaching kiddies with brain problems how to do simple things, like count, read and wipe their own bottoms. I asked Kevin if he had any regrets about being a really lame, second rate Tarzan and what Zabu has been doing.

"Well, it wasn't my fault Marvel couldn't persuade Tarzan to sign up with them; Stan reckoned they had some good stories for the real wild man of the jungle; but he went to DC because he was a friend of Joe Kubert and I got signed up. I felt a bit like the Monkees being compared to the Beatles, except I didn't bring anything new to the table. I was probably the most boring character ever, even when I appeared with the X-Men it was like everyone was a bit embarrassed to be seen around me. Scott Summers actually asked Jim Lee once if he could just, you know, forget that Kevin was there. It got very depressing and I took a lot of drugs and slept with a load of very dirty guys.

"Zabu on the other hand... He spent a few months secretly living with Ben Grimm before doing a two year stint in Cancun with Lockjaw as these crazy house DJs. After that he moved into corporate finance and tent hire. The last couple of years he's been living in the Arizona desert with Shanna; I think they have something going on. He visits me occasionally, but he's had less and less to say the last few times and he doesn't like it that I live in northern Norway. In my own funny way, I hate and detest him."

Any chance of a comeback?

"I don't think so. I have IBS now and a dodgy knee. My life is important teaching kids how to be human. Yes, they don't understand me as I haven't yet learnt how to speak Norwegian; I'm desperate for some female companionship that has pubic hair and because I'm no longer even remotely famous, I've discovered that even jars of my sperm don't sell on ebay any longer. It's this or I kill myself."

Reclaiming Desdemona

J. Scott Campbell is to honour the memory of his old friend Mike Turner by sleeping with his widow and filming it for an MTV special. Campbell reckons that he's saved up enough jizzum to make sure that the results are explosive. The special is being filmed in 3D and TV executives are deciding at this very moment whether or not to use a substitute for Mrs Turner, as she really is a bit fat and plain.

Next time: folds, sweat, bile, cream, ink, vomit, secretions, faeces, urine, female ejaculate and Jim Boswell talks about trying to be something when you aren't very good at what you do. All this and some dancing girls with twirly nipples!

NOW ON FACEBOOK!!!!

Forced Editorial Entry

Comment by David Scott

In June, there will be 1,634, 701 comics titles released. That is an increase of 17,200 on May and it is becoming clear as a mole's arse that this kind of growth is unsustainable. Admittedly, Marvel and DC employ over 1million people each, making them the two largest employers in the world, but how long before the bubble bursts, spewing a sort of creamy streaked faecal residue over everything?

Shortly before his first death in 1974, comics legend Jack Kirby said in an interview with a transvestite that he felt by 2010 there would be more than 1.5million comics on sale every month and he believed that as many as all of them might be very poor. Shortly before Kirby's second death, some years later, he smeared blood streaked vomit on his nurse's exposed nipples - it was all he could muster.

It has to be said that now there are more comics than there are potential story lines, there is a propensity for repetition and for the totally mundane. The 3-part Spider-Man: Crochet School is a perfect example; a comic series, which according to crochet professionals was lacking in factual accuracy and a true depiction of Peter Parker. Another example would be Justice League Antigua, essentially an excuse to have semi-naked super heroes swanning about on a Caribbean island drinking coconut milk and performing felatio on unsuspecting locals. Ultimately, Spawn: Bored was very much a lowlight in comics mediocrity, but at least some people saw the humour in it.

Of course, there's going to be a lack of quality control when all you employ are dribbling lobotomised idiots on a government funded return to work scheme for the mentally retarded and the dysfunctionally crap; but this is one of the ways that both DC and Marvel manage to avoid paying both hefty tax bills and obscenity law fines; Image don't mind paying them because they get tax breaks on having to pay them because they aren't good enough to employ more than a million people. A perfect example of this lack of QC is Nujjees from DC. It's about a toy monkey that eats metal and then dies. It was a mass of swirling bright colours and gurning faces; yet sales were tremendous among the slightly insane and weirdly bananas category.

Ostensibly, the main reason for people buying 2.7billion comics a month is because the world is a wonderful place and we're all very rich and healthy thanks to the real life superheroes, whose comics we talk about have made the world a safer and better place. People like to read the drawn adventures of their favourite heroes rather than watch them on television or in real life. The controversy recently that some stories were made up and didn't really happen sent shock waves through the industry. This led to the unprecedented move by Jim Shooter to attempt to buy the patent for $1. He cited a little known clause that fortunately was made up and forged to look like a true thing. But the repercussions could be devastating.

Possibly the worst thing happening to comics at the moment is the proliferation of gay comics and comics aimed at paedophiles. I know that the two groups are not mutually inclusive, but do we really want our children subjected to graphic pictures of men doing it? Do we really want to see evil child rapists doing unspeakable things to girls under the age of 10? Well, it appears we do! Marvel's X-Men: Paedo Time was the highest selling comic in 2008 (a copy was sold at the summit of K2); DC's biggest selling comic of 2009 was Superman: Chicken Fucker and this year's biggest selling book so far was Green Lantern: Homo Paedo Kids on Acid, which tells the story of a group of sexually abused teenagers who take drugs and start having sex with people of similar gender. The only criticism all reviewers had with this million selling title was Green Lantern only appears in the last 3 frames of the 26-part maxi-series.

What does this say about the reading public? The USA now have more comics about illegal sexual practices than Japan has comics about changing a baby's nappy - 42,716 at last count and all of them rank inside the top 50,000 best sellers. Speaking of which, has it not become a pointless exercise to produce a magazine called Comics Sales Figures Monthly if all it is going to have is 2700 pages of lists, month in month out. A little bit of analysis wouldn't go amiss. CFSM is, of course, one of the smaller selling magazines about comics. It's total yearly sales is only 44, but at $35,000 a page for advertising, they only need to sell 40,000 pages of advertising a year to break even.

Magazines about comics have existed for hundreds of years, even before comics had been invented; but 2009 saw the birth of a new phenomena - the magazine about comics magazine news. This was a great success for the publisher and the first issue sold over 2million copies. However, by #3 sales had dropped to 118. Many believe the decision to print the entire magazine on weasel leather from #2 was a deciding factor. Splotch is now the most successful magazine about comics in the world. Produced by a blind dwarf and a paraplegic ex-financier from Oregon, Splotch mixes news and views with high definition photographs of 17 year old virgins' delicate parts and, of course, it's Look Where I Took A Shit section has won numerous awards, including one from the British Grape Federation.

Overall, the industry is so healthy it can afford to buy many small under-developed countries, as Marvel attempted recently when it tried to buy the Maldives (rumour has it when the company failed, it tried to sink the island with a big corkscrew like device - obliterating 5 before being driven away by the legion of dancing skulls). The future for comics however isn't so rosy. Producing comics by artists so substandard readers have problems working out not only what is going on, but also who is who, is ridiculous and a recipe for some uneatable Sunday dinner. Editor in Chiefs have both pinpointed the need to gag the slaves while they are being tortured and to get the most out of artists like Anthony Williams; who has had his hands sewn back on and is currently undergoing rehabilitation before returning to draw 30 comics in a calendar month.

Many of the smaller independent writers, who are either blacklisted from major publishers or are just ignored, now use computer generated comicbooks, where they feed a script into the computer and the finished comic comes out the other end; pencilled, inked, lettered, coloured and edited, all by a computer programme. The only problem is that editor software is temperamental at best; often comics come out with misinterpreted dialogue.

In conclusion; all cats are grey; my doctor has got 4 fingers, the state of play amongst the major rivals is one of trepidation and cautious pessimism and who is having what for tea tonight. The obvious parallels can be drawn, but we haven't got enough pencils.

Live prosperously and long.

Mould in Wales

Rake the Challenge

Tom Welling, only really known for playing Clark Kent, wrote the award-winning comic Bastards in Wheelchairs in 2005 and has followed it up with his new book Idiots Up Trees. The actor, who is almost as dull in real life as he is on screen, gave us an exclusive interview, but we declined.

Eat Diss

Whatever happened to Dick Foreman? Well, for those of you that wrote in and asked, we did some digging and he's in an insane asylum and has grown a third arm.

The Baby in Christ

Marvel continues to fight the injunction placed on them by the Maldives, after the country claimed that Marvel was deliberately drilling holes in the smaller islands so that they sink. Marvel's Joe Quesada was seen with a large drill and some paint several times last August when 5 of the islets sank.

Bingo

Jeff Johnson, Antony Johnson, Holly Johnson and Joe Johnson are to form a band called The Winkleys. They will perform dialogue from Bill Mantlo comics to music.

Abyssinian Doormat

There is growing concern about the whereabouts of Ed McGuinness. The 86 year old artist was last seen going to the local 5 and Dime store, in his 1986 Austin Allegro. Reports that there were sightings of aliens in the vicinity have been vigorously denied by the local bishop; so no comparisons or whatever the word is can be drawn.

Curtain Fun

The latest project from Frank Miller is to be published by Fantagraphics, in what many regard as a bold move by the icon. Shit Accidents is not what it would first appear to be. Believed by many to be an anthology of short stories about really crap accidents, such as falling up a ladder and trapping your hand in the dog. But what it actually is is a 798-page graphic novel about how he learned to defecate again after accidentally having his anus sewn up after a skiing incident.

"It's the realism that is important to me, that is why the first 10,000 copies have been especially printed using ink mixed with my own faeces. I made sure that I lived in a diet of roses and lilac flowers for a week, to ensure that the fragrance was nectorish rather than blue cheese. Unfortunately, I had no idea what kind of reaction roses, lilac and stomach juices would produce and that is why those 10,000 copies also come with a government health warning.

"My next project is likely to be another Batman book, but I want to do it for Wallmart this time rather than whoever it is publishes it. I like the idea of Bruce Wayne moonlighting as a cleaner up of sick at an illegal rave in an old abandoned Wallmart superstore.

"After that, Kim is to release a book of photographs of me cutting my toenails into exotic shapes and I'm going to draw the cover to each individual edition using a mixture of my own semen and some squid ink - real Arctic squids, mind, not these cheap Mediterranean ones.

"Then I'm back at DC for my unique take on Arak, Son of Thunder and then I'm back at Marvel for some yoghurt drink."

Svengali Pasta

The overall cost of shipping alpacas from South America to small holdings in Europe now exceeds Paul Levitz's annual salary, which, as most people know, triggers a clause in his contract whereby he has to work for the next 4 years completely shaved and with a swizzle stick poking out of his arse, like those porn stars did before broccoli was invented.

Raster my Quins

Paul Pelettier still owes money to his local laundrette and is refusing to pay the bill, claiming that it spoils his bad boy image if he's seen paying people for services rendered. "I've never had to pay for a prostitute, so why should I pay some little Chinky bint who can't speak of word of English and sounds like a buzz saw cutting a cat in 4?"

Polarisation is the Only way Forward

Now that he's dead it's quite easy to tell you that Steve Gerber had a serious heroin and pre-pubescent girl habits. The now dead writer used to inject the heroin into prepubescent girls and then leave them in woods near a busy freeway. None of the girls have been reported killed, but all are still missing. Kentucky police reckon there could be as many as 86 missing young girls.

When asked why the police force weren't trying harder to find these girls, Chief Larry Stroman said, "Because of police cutbacks in the State, the only people I can recruit to be deputies are paedophiles. Can you imagine the shitstorm?"

Hormone Replacement Traffic

Carlo Pagulayan is to be deported back to the Philippines by immigration officers after he refused to pay the bribe. Pagulayan has drawn some stuff and he's likely to be able to continue to work for comics from his mother's bedroom. Pagulayan married his mother in 2007.

Next Time: wounded knees, big jobs, pawn stars, the mauve, yelp and ouch, masked balls, mince lamb mince, hell.

Eat Your Own Poo

Testicle Destruction

Sometimes God is a duck and few people realise this. If more people were to realise this then the world would be a safer and more harmonious place; apart from foxes that should be eaten with big latex spoons.

Gland Relay

Comics grandee and strange kidney donor Lesbian Skink is returning to comics after a six year hiatus with a new range of comics from SpazCom; the company/publisher that claims it will produce comics to make you 'shit itch' and graphic novels that will 'shrink the piles of even the most IBS ridden trolls'. What all this means is a new line of comics from some of the industry's least well known names.

SpazCom's first and arguably its flagship title is Wobblier; an anthology title consisting of 5 strips and a made up letters page. One of the made up letter writers said, "I was blown away by the diversity and quality of this product. It has everything that is missing from comics produced by the Big 3 ish."

Wobblier features 3 continuous strips and two filler rubbish twaddle. The continuous strips are: Crap Man which tells the story of a very useless person; M for Mongoose which is about a titanic struggle between some bedsheets and a duvet; and Small Cock, the Man with No Time for Sex, which is about the struggle of the Samoan Islanders against a strange scaly man who offers them Calor Gas cookers.

Skink, known to millions as the man who revolutionised DCUK in the 1980s, is also responsible for the most popular comics magazine ever published. Launched in 1989, Hero Vomit is the most widely read magazine on the face of the planet, with sales exceeding 480million copies a month. It has more subscribers than the internet. In 2009, Skink was declared the 7th richest man in the world and the least likely to be invited to a barbecue.

Planned future titles from SpazCom include: Volleyball Tramps, Uncle Vanya's Diaphragm, August Smells, People with Tumours and the vastly anticipated Jim Lee, Jon Ostrander and Brian Augustyn collaboration, Knob Cheese Diaries. Roy Thomas, now regarded as the 3rd most likely comics legend to die soon, said, "They are pulling their punches; this is poor output from a company that promises so much and then hides on the swings in the girls' playground."

Ostensibly Aubergine

Marvel Comics, reeling from the threat of SpazCom and the resurgence of DC since the launch of Superman: Man of Porn, are releasing 72 new titles in June alone, increasing the company's monthly output to over 3211 comics and graphic novels. Marvel man Mark Munro said, "It's important that we continue to throw enough shit at the fan to make the fan's existence eligible. June is always an important month because comic fans have to hide away from the sun for longer and that causes friction with manufacturers of bathroom sponges and that's something we really don't really want to really happen, really." When asked just what the fuck he was going on about, he shrugged and took a revolver to his self and shot his self in the ear lobe.

The real highlights of Marvel's new clunge of titles include Goliath: Unstoppable IBS, Yellowjacket: The Case of the Shrinking Penis, Ant Man: Inside Jan's Uterus, The Avengers: Multiple Personality Enema, Hank Pym: Death Ray Eater and My Orthopaedic Adventures on Ice.

Callisthenics and Wine

Brian Bolland's new comic lives in Basingstoke and is inked by a small gecko called Clive.

Majesty Intercepts Swinburne

Comics about shit have for a long time been regarded as works of high art and this is something us at NFEX will not dispute; so there was much trepidation at the release of the new IDW title My Shit and Its Adventures in Salisbury. About the complicated relationship between a schizophrenic artist, his almost always naked girlfriend, Zoe, and the very large kebab poo that the artist just cannot bare to part with. The real twist in this tale is the fact that Zoe is a lesbian, but she just likes to show her naked body off to men over 40.

Nex Tissue: Barely legal teens, pussy galore, mammoth glands, large labia, ugly South African women, bass, womb vibration, pustules, Morgan free man, buy one get one lame, my lung, your leg, its leprosy riddled politician and why Keith Giffen has taken to wearing luminous incontinence pants and has a hummingbird called Pete.