Mitt der Schitz
That Japanese manga publisher that does okay in this market, can't remember their name, but they sell shit loads of really heavy books. Well, anyhow, they're bringing a series of new Kodomo manga books out and while they are readily accepted as the norm in Japan, there are questions being raised as top whether these should be made available to the USA and Britain.
The first of this new range is the exquisitely titled How to Shit Properly and is a 64 page self-help book aimed at the 3 to 6 age group. Full of graphic imagery and a revolutionary new 'pan scan', where the artist imagines himself as the water in the toilet bowl and captures the moments from the first turtle's head to the final dramatic big splosh! The writer and artist Katsuhiro Backracandballs (his father was a Filipino) explained that when he was a child he had an unusual fear of stools and not just the kind you sit on.
This is followed in May by My First Orgasm, which is available in two versions - male and female.
June's kodomo offering is Allowing Otosan to Fiddle with You; July's will be the Otomo inspired In Praise of Pubis Mons and in August, the highly controversial Jillosan & Jackosan Make a Baby, which even the Japanese, as unscrupulous as they are, are finding a little too extreme.
Ventricle Interface
Americans are the most stupid people on the planet is the latest work of renowned computer bloke Cory Doctorow and is likely to be adapted into a comic by Dark Horse. The book and subsequently the comic will feature single page examples of why Americans, more than any other race on the face of this planet (and the other one we found but are keeping quiet about) are so unbelievably stupid there should be a eugenics law passed somewhere.
Caged Koalas
Joyce Chen, famed almost for her sexual antics as she is for anything else in her life, has drawn a comicbook all about naked Muslim virgins being slaughtered by fascist white Christian capitalists and has made the comic only available in very extreme Muslim countries. The comic, she claims, gives the message to the Muslims that, "We aint going to take no more of your shit and if you start fucking us up, we'll start impregnating your women with the foetuses of dead American servicemen. Yeah!"
Mystery of Monroe Manor
Roger Stern admitted on David Lettermen last week that he has been addicted to the smell of his own underwear and he is actively seeking help from specialists in the field (namely two laundry workers in Hoboken).
Beat this!
James Cameron, now regarded as the most cool person on the planet, is to make a new film, using the 3D technique that worked so well with his latest film. It will be a 4 minute film of him masturbating in front of a mirror until he reaches a climax. The effects will be so realistic, you'll think you've just been shot in the eye with a jet of his rich, warming, semen.
Fuck Buttons
In fact, why not fuck all crap pantomime characters? But no, it's neither anything to do with a strange British techno duo or pantomimes; it's the latest fetish to arrive from Croatia.
Illuminated Quim
By the time you finish reading this sentence someone, somewhere, will have pissed themselves and they will be between the ages of 18 and 35 and will not be a) drunk, b) ill or 3) a pervert.
Slide that Battenburg this way!
Walter Koenig is to play himself in a comicbook adaptation of the re-making of the Ewok Christmas special. Koenig, who is also writing, directing and producing, is to play Chekov Ewok, from the Ewok equivalent of the USSR and he will actually kill Darth Vader, but bring him back to life because he's good that way.
Next time: ventilated streams, boiled pork, stove hats, bicycle clips, cheese string, braised lungs, abstract cabbage, housing estates, guillemot wings, pierced feet, sponge bob, large angels, bullied frogs, candid limes, borrowed time, leaching, pussy pout, bang alore, bang ladesh, anal sweat, toilet humour, gabardine mac, steely impulse, oral fixation, coined response, alligator tears, bored walk, John Byrne, Super Mario indulges in lots of anal sex while stringing his poor wife along, plumbing catastrophes, Lloyd bridges and scurrilous turkey.
Sunday 31 January 2010
Monday 25 January 2010
Octogonal Jizzum
Pray to the Big White Gerbil
Autobiographical comics are ten a penny nowadays, but in a bold move, Marvel is entering the field (via a side gate) with its latest offering: The Ballad of Big Cunt and Mario. Based on the real life of a student and a plumber and its full of the kind of action you'd expect in a superhero porn movie!
Big Cunt is a rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights kind of girl, who led a sheltered life until she discovered that shoving men's penises up her twat gave her immense pleasure. In fact, whenever she couldn't get a penis, she got something equally as penetrative.
Mario is a weedy little plumber, who thanks to much time wanking and ego massaging transformed into a bullet-headed ass stallion.
The first issue starts in a small city in the north of England. Big Cunt is still a virgin, but has been having plenty of fingers, thumbs, pens, pencils, carrots and even her mother's dildo up her twat. The reason for this is she has been told that real men have foot long dongs and she needs to accommodate it or she'll split in two and never have babies. She ends the first issue being called a prick teaser by her ex-boyfriends, who didn't mind the inanimate objects shows all the same.
Meanwhile, further south, a young man sits round a table playing Dungeons and Dragons with his equally sad and slightly smelly friends. He just dreams of being a he-man stud (and he's still not sure whether he wants a pussy or a hairy man's ass) but in reality he's a bullet-headed freak who fixes radiators. Then he stumbles across a secret spell in his D&D game, a spell that made him irresistible to women, especially when he flashed his expensive sports car at them or waved his huge wad of cash. Before long, he was having sex almost every night. The problem was, the more women he slept with the less responsive his cock became.
Issue #2 starts three years later. Big Cunt is in the big city at a big university with big expectations. She hates it. None of her friends are here and she has forgotten her sex toys; there's only the next door neighbour's dog to keep her satisfied and she doesn't have enough grant money to keep it in spam. One sunny spring day, after she's successfully missed most of the term through a form of imaginary flu, she accidentally needs a plumber - her desperation for something massive up her hole has led to her ripping the drainage pipe from the sink. Who should walk in but Mario, the plumber with a big wad.
Big Cunt discovers that Mario quite likes her, but is slightly perturbed by the fact that he appears to like her ass hole better and when they finally get down to performing the beast with two backs, it's only because she'll allow him to violate her in a very homosexual manner. But at least he can sustain an erection when his cock is covered in shit. Then Mario disappears out of her life unexpectedly (he's shagging a number of other women and possibly a couple of men) and she's left abandoned with a larger sphincter than she had before.
Issue 3 sees the couple reunited and living in a mansion. They have been together for a number of years, but Big Cunt can't remember how many exactly. She has struggled to be successful in any of her jobs and decides she wants to go back to university and learn rather than play with objects and inserting them up her fanny. Mario doesn't like this idea because he's already worked out that apart from a good ass slapping, this girl is as useless as fuck; but she can cook and clean and doesn't mind cleaning his shitty cock with her mouth after he's failed again to ejaculate inside her.
Big Cunt is due to start university in the September, so takes a job until then. It is here she meets Too-Good-to-be-True and falls madly in love with him. Not only does he treat her like a human being, he doesn't expect her to offer him her ass. Everything is rosy for a number of months; Big Cunt leads a double life, despite Mario sensing that she is being porked by another. But then Too-Good-to-be-True makes a fatal error; he asks Big Cunt to run away with him. Everything about the suggestion seems good, apart from having to give up her sports car, her nice house, her big garden and Mario's rich and influential friends. It's just too much to sacrifice for the sake of being happy.
Meanwhile Mario is getting worse; he's back to his philandering ways and is sleeping with enough tail to put him at risk from a number of serious sexually transmitted diseases. He's hiding gay porn from Big Cunt and he's using his nephew as both a foot iron and an alibi for all of his dillying and dallying. The two have attempted to have sex three times in two years and only once did it amount to more than a few pushes and a floppy dick.
Too-Good-to-be-True tries desperately to convince Big Cunt that her future lies with him, but after a brief attempt to see if it can work, she realises that she can't live without her materialistic lifestyle and ends it. Too-Good-to-be-True looks at her, calls her a stupid cunt and leaves her to a life of misery and ill health. Mario runs off with a soldier.
Sounds like an adaptation of my uncle Harry's life, but I suppose there are only a couple of stories, it just depends on how they are told. I have no idea who is drawing or writing this, only that if you spot the 13 clowns hidden discreetly throughout the three issues, you will receive a used Durex and some menstrual blood spotted panties.
At the risk of sounding Crass
Hasn't Stan Lee died yet?
Next Trip: badgers with warts, glum sloths, polystyrene teeth, pampered turnips, Australian curry, crash bandicoot, melon kim, glad rags, rotting gum, peace meal, plain soup, general alarm, borrowed time, sandwich spread, Beatle juice and boil in the bag carrots.
Autobiographical comics are ten a penny nowadays, but in a bold move, Marvel is entering the field (via a side gate) with its latest offering: The Ballad of Big Cunt and Mario. Based on the real life of a student and a plumber and its full of the kind of action you'd expect in a superhero porn movie!
Big Cunt is a rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights kind of girl, who led a sheltered life until she discovered that shoving men's penises up her twat gave her immense pleasure. In fact, whenever she couldn't get a penis, she got something equally as penetrative.
Mario is a weedy little plumber, who thanks to much time wanking and ego massaging transformed into a bullet-headed ass stallion.
The first issue starts in a small city in the north of England. Big Cunt is still a virgin, but has been having plenty of fingers, thumbs, pens, pencils, carrots and even her mother's dildo up her twat. The reason for this is she has been told that real men have foot long dongs and she needs to accommodate it or she'll split in two and never have babies. She ends the first issue being called a prick teaser by her ex-boyfriends, who didn't mind the inanimate objects shows all the same.
Meanwhile, further south, a young man sits round a table playing Dungeons and Dragons with his equally sad and slightly smelly friends. He just dreams of being a he-man stud (and he's still not sure whether he wants a pussy or a hairy man's ass) but in reality he's a bullet-headed freak who fixes radiators. Then he stumbles across a secret spell in his D&D game, a spell that made him irresistible to women, especially when he flashed his expensive sports car at them or waved his huge wad of cash. Before long, he was having sex almost every night. The problem was, the more women he slept with the less responsive his cock became.
Issue #2 starts three years later. Big Cunt is in the big city at a big university with big expectations. She hates it. None of her friends are here and she has forgotten her sex toys; there's only the next door neighbour's dog to keep her satisfied and she doesn't have enough grant money to keep it in spam. One sunny spring day, after she's successfully missed most of the term through a form of imaginary flu, she accidentally needs a plumber - her desperation for something massive up her hole has led to her ripping the drainage pipe from the sink. Who should walk in but Mario, the plumber with a big wad.
Big Cunt discovers that Mario quite likes her, but is slightly perturbed by the fact that he appears to like her ass hole better and when they finally get down to performing the beast with two backs, it's only because she'll allow him to violate her in a very homosexual manner. But at least he can sustain an erection when his cock is covered in shit. Then Mario disappears out of her life unexpectedly (he's shagging a number of other women and possibly a couple of men) and she's left abandoned with a larger sphincter than she had before.
Issue 3 sees the couple reunited and living in a mansion. They have been together for a number of years, but Big Cunt can't remember how many exactly. She has struggled to be successful in any of her jobs and decides she wants to go back to university and learn rather than play with objects and inserting them up her fanny. Mario doesn't like this idea because he's already worked out that apart from a good ass slapping, this girl is as useless as fuck; but she can cook and clean and doesn't mind cleaning his shitty cock with her mouth after he's failed again to ejaculate inside her.
Big Cunt is due to start university in the September, so takes a job until then. It is here she meets Too-Good-to-be-True and falls madly in love with him. Not only does he treat her like a human being, he doesn't expect her to offer him her ass. Everything is rosy for a number of months; Big Cunt leads a double life, despite Mario sensing that she is being porked by another. But then Too-Good-to-be-True makes a fatal error; he asks Big Cunt to run away with him. Everything about the suggestion seems good, apart from having to give up her sports car, her nice house, her big garden and Mario's rich and influential friends. It's just too much to sacrifice for the sake of being happy.
Meanwhile Mario is getting worse; he's back to his philandering ways and is sleeping with enough tail to put him at risk from a number of serious sexually transmitted diseases. He's hiding gay porn from Big Cunt and he's using his nephew as both a foot iron and an alibi for all of his dillying and dallying. The two have attempted to have sex three times in two years and only once did it amount to more than a few pushes and a floppy dick.
Too-Good-to-be-True tries desperately to convince Big Cunt that her future lies with him, but after a brief attempt to see if it can work, she realises that she can't live without her materialistic lifestyle and ends it. Too-Good-to-be-True looks at her, calls her a stupid cunt and leaves her to a life of misery and ill health. Mario runs off with a soldier.
Sounds like an adaptation of my uncle Harry's life, but I suppose there are only a couple of stories, it just depends on how they are told. I have no idea who is drawing or writing this, only that if you spot the 13 clowns hidden discreetly throughout the three issues, you will receive a used Durex and some menstrual blood spotted panties.
At the risk of sounding Crass
Hasn't Stan Lee died yet?
Next Trip: badgers with warts, glum sloths, polystyrene teeth, pampered turnips, Australian curry, crash bandicoot, melon kim, glad rags, rotting gum, peace meal, plain soup, general alarm, borrowed time, sandwich spread, Beatle juice and boil in the bag carrots.
Sunday 17 January 2010
The Starlings have Eaten his Clitoris
Evangelism after a faggot
I’m sick to death of this
- What have the Haitians ever done for you?
- It’s full of voodoo loving jiggerboos!
Surely, these are good enough reasons alone to just ignore them and hope that something else happens to take our minds off of it. Plus, what have the Haitians ever given us in terms of comics and entertainment? Very little that I can think of. Maybe they’d win a zombie competition, but my money would be on any friends of George A. Romero.
If you have any money to send to the appeal, send it to me instead and I’ll spend it on all manner of sordid sexual activities, but if you include a return address, I’ll send you some photos.
Selfish cod
Over in Englandland, there’s controversy over world famous comicbook writer Alan Moore’s penis, which, it seems, has removed itself from the writer’s body and has started it own business in neighbouring Bedfordshire.
“I was fed up with the weird cunt,” he said, reflecting on his 50 odd years attached to the bearded magician. “All that Tantric sex was doing my foreskin in; I need a good sheath to slide into, none of this psychic energies bollocks.”
When asked what his new business would involve, the penis said, “Fruit and veg, mate. That and a few other little sidelines.”
Would he consider writing? “Well, I’ve written my memoirs, ‘Attached to a Beardo Weirdo’ and that’s coming out from HarperCollins in 2011 and I have a series of novels, all with the ‘Cock of’ prefix. But, other than that, no, no intentions to go into writing. I’ll let gangly nutters do that.”
The Magnetic Ovary
Colleen Doran has turned to God to aid her in her pursuit of an immaculate conception. Doran, still considered highly spunk-on-able by heteros in the comics world, has given up full on penetrative sex, but still wants to have a child before she gets too old. “I’ve been praying to God and asking him to come to me and cum in me while I sleep. I wouldn’t necessarily bring the child up as the son or daughter of God, but it would have a nice school and lots of pretty pictures to look at.”
Leaching Skidmarks
Frank Quitely’s pet Pangolin has gone missing in
*Are pangolins mammals? – Ed
Show me a Quim
Brad Pitt, who has recently announced he will be writing Spider-Man for Marvel, has bought a new washing machine, of which he is said to be very happy with. When asked if it was a Bosch, Pitt ran and hid behind an aspidistra that was growing outside a small hardware store.
Where Eagles Crap
The New York Times has claimed that Stan Lee actually died in 1979 and the man pretending to be the former head of Marvel is actually a construct made out of Lego. NYT journalist, Bandy Boohoolay said, “We were told to check certain records, but when we couldn’t find these records, we made loads of stuff up and people have believed us.”
The newspaper is being sued by a Danish toy manufacturer and the man they claim is an impostor. Boomhoolay said, “I cannot believe someone that old can still possibly be alive. If you take his trousers off, I’ll bet he has no genitals.”
Homoerotic Glands
The last time someone saw Bruce Banner was just before Christmas, leading to people to believe that the current crop of comics are actually made up stories and not biographical records of battles. When asked, Marvel editor Joey da Q said, “What? What the fuck are you talking about? Who said Banner hasn’t been seen? He’s staying at my place in
Familiarity Breeds Mildew
Lara Croft has refused to open a pet shop in
Blown Up Vagina
A new comic from IDW and drawn by veteran Bernard Wrightson is actually not a comic at all, but a instruction manual for inserting explosives into body parts and then detonating them. No one is writing the book, but the 72-year-old artist has been given various different explosives and a number of Playboy bunnies and will report back when they’re all dead.
The Gay Goose and the Happy Hog
This article has been removed at the request of the Homophobic Gosling Society of
Nest time: stinky fish, sweaty beavers, emaciated clams, wasted chestnuts, dancing beef, loitering marshmallow, bare potato and screaming blue jays.
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