Bruce Banner is to shave his testicles for charity it has just been announced by PETA. Then, under scientific control, the Hulk will then spurt his man fat into the face of Christina Aguilera to the sounds of the Black Eyed Peas. Debbie Gibson declined to be anally raped by Batman.
Clinical Vomit
Restorative Justice is a new DC comic by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon and follows a crack team of policemen, social workers and volunteers as they force young criminals into doing community work.
Vertigo Schmertigo
It all begins when a lazy Doberman called Clyde is struck by a bolt from space transforming him into the most powerful creature on the planet. Clyde now has the power to do anything he wants and starts by transforming all the world's supermodels into Labrador bitches.
After taking control of the planet, he falls foul of the Cow Liberation Front and the Society of Badgers, top secret organisations created to save the planet in the event of a dog becoming God. But unbeknownst to these groups, there is a third, totally wicked group that has only eyes for total domination. The Malevolent Woodlice League have the technology and the know how to destroy the new God and all of the other do-gooders.
But even The MWL aren't aware of the Psychedelic Frog Army, with their spawn and their knives. Suddenly Clyde no longer just wants to sit around licking his balls and bum snorkeling, now he has to rouse himself from his priapic stupor and dance until the sun never shines.
Then Galactus's ghost turns up and eats all the sausage rolls.
Mothered Blood
Gummy Bear kidnapper Billy Tucci and his cohort Shi were seen at a ski resort near Biarritz with a box that is believed to contain the head of former Hollywood actress Barbara Stanwyk, which Tucci is believed to have stolen from the family crypt. Whose family we're not quite sure about as it seems Ms Stanwyk's head has been stolen several times since her death when she died.
LA detective Axel Foley shot me in the foot and stole my banana.
Liver Sports
Eleven times I rang and every single time the phone was answered by a man who wasn't my husband.
Picasso's Nan
There has been a spate of abductions involving comics creators with Spanish names; with the news that Carlos Eszquerra and Sergio Aragones have both disappeared from their respective homes. These two luminaries join the remains of Nestor Redondo, the wife of Gaspar Saladino and a couple of others in the disappearing in mysterious circumstances file.
Aragones was last seen at the dry cleaner's, while Carlos, who drew Judge Dredd a lot, was seen feeding small children peanuts in a park in Andorra.
Ballyhoo
A woman who had her face mutilated by Captain America's penis is to sue both the US Government and Marvel Comics for damages believed to be worth up to $416,000,000,000.32 and death sentences for Steve Rogers and also Rob Liefeld.
The woman, Mrs Valerie Screep of Fort Worth claims she returned home from work late one evening and found Captain America fighting the Red Skull in her yard, she tells the story from this point: "Cap was just in a frenzy; he was pulling the Red Skull's hair out, spitting at him and trying to ram a ferret up the man's posterior. All the time he was screaming 'cunt, cunt, cunt' at the red faced man. When the red faced man's hair had all gone and he started to bleed anally, I thought I'd ask Cap for his autograph; but he was still raging and he grabbed me and pulled his massive penis out, which was encrusted with diamonds and razor blades and proceeded to batter me with it. The money will go some way to fulfilling my dream of buying Austria."
However, Marvel is counter-suing Mrs Screep claiming that she mutilated her own face with Cap's penis and neither the Avenger nor any of the Marvel staff were aware of it. They are suing Mrs Screep for a bowl of soup and some crumbs from her leftover fish fingers.
Expresso Perfume
Saving things is all the rage at the moment and the latest is a charity comic in aid of Simon Bisley's bankruptcy. Many older readers will remember Bisley as the very aggressive and sexually ambiguous artist on Lobo, who was kicked out of comics for 18 months after he forced someones 86 year old granny to felate him in front of children dressed as superheroes. Since then, the Biz as someone once referred to him as, has struggled to find any kind of work outside of selling steroids to weedy kids. The comic which has lots of tits, guns and cars in it will cost $45 and 62 cents goes directly to Bisley.
Ostrich Preamble
Apparently ragwort is poisonous to bovines and that's the theme of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical to be drawn by Gerry Allanguillan and scored by a woman with a sharp knife.
Next time: Lime Aid, Carley Flower, Russell Sprout, Coal Rabbi, Let Us, Broke Ally, Ring Worm, sandwich filler, blond bombshell, peach Melba, Tampax for boys, leech curry, Velcro hamsters, cruel and unusual, torture chamber pit, Stygian folds, Dystopia Falls, wishful thinking; beige fronds, ballet gun, Jurgen Klinsmann, Christmas lights, Turkish delight, brazen hussies and dart player's elbow.
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