A new comic from Mark Bagley is Skidmarks on My Leg about the artist's struggle in his childhood and how people used to wipe their arses on him. "It was pretty humiliating at times, but it used to give me a massive boner, so there was always something positive coming from it." But why tell the world about it? "The backlash I received when I did some work on the X-Men was so vitriolic and vile that I decided the only thing I could do was show these detractors that I'm just a guy with a anal problem. Perhaps they would see me differently, or even like me."
Doubtful one that.
Anal Flute
The amazing life of a young woman in the prime of her life, who chose to follow comics creators around is to be adapted by Image Comics. I was a Teenage Comics Groupie tells the story of Cynthia Schitz, the infamous Madame of Marvel as she was known during the 1990s.
Schitz's story is simple; when she was 14, she attended a signing of Bill Sienkiewicz's Stray Toasters and caught the eye of the creator, as this excerpt from her memoirs reveals:
"It was a hit steamy August day, the temperature was touching 100 degrees and my brother billy wanted to go to Rocket Comics, our local store. He said that some freaky artist guy was doing a signing. I thought, 'hmm, the place is going to be full of smeggy dicks and fucktards, just the kind of place to show off my newly developed titties', so I put the smallest shorts on I could find and a really sheer chiffon blouse that really could disguise shit, no bra and to add a little twist, I had a little bit of blue string hanging from my crotch, which made it look like I was menstruating. Billy, being a fag, was more interested in the size of Peter Parker's cock than anything else, but had he been a heterosexual brother, he probably would have wanted to fuck me. Anyhows, we got to the store and there was a queue as long as Officer Dibble's erect penis. But they all parted, like the red sea or my minge after the principal had his way, and I waltzed straight up to Bill Sienkiewicz, who, it has to be said, was mightily impressed with the way my fat juicy nipples poked out of the front of my now unbuttoned blouse. He took me out back and on a box of old Batman comics, he gave me a 45 minute reaming that left my vagina blue and bloody, but streaming with spunk. I then told Bill how old I was and that if he didn't ensure that I slept with 100 comics creators before I turned 16, I was going to release the video I'd taken of him defiling my pussy and bum, with the camera that all good comics shop install in their stockrooms in case employees go for a quick wank."
However, in a bizarre twist, Sienkiewicz flatly denies these claims, "I didn't go on a signing tour of Stray Toasters and if she's talking about August 1988, I was in the UK at the time running a crack den for illegal immigrants with Alan Moore."
The Potsdam Treaty Explained
Since the cancellation and liquidation of Archie Comics last year, an entrepreneurial young Australian called Bradley Twong has purchased the company and will start producing new Archie Comics in 2011.
As you all know what's coming, I won't even bother.
Daft Cunt
TokyoPop are to release 1001 Things You've Never Wondered About in English and Ukrainian. The self-help manual that has sold over 1 billion copies in Japan alone and is expected to be the biggest selling chunky comic of the year.
The manual examines such things as what microscopic creatures live inside your partner's vagina, whether or not you can weave carpets from pubic hair, how to train wood lice, what its like to be a door, what it would be like to ejaculate on the moon, why don't we eat our dead, is it possible to have sex with a sperm whale and would it know, what lives inside hairy moles (the kind on your face), what do you do if an eight year old offers to perform oral sex on you, what the world record for squirting runny shit out of your arse and whether or not cats are likely to die if you tie them to a large fish?
And there stand our chickens.
Replay Hedge
Snoring - not the kind of subject you'd imagine for a comicbook is it?
Next we will eat your children's toys: sentient oil, large hadron colliders, meths, Cary Grant, leeches of varying varieties, slim built fags, huge boils and tepid scuzz.
