Digitally Remastered Motions

Panoramic Dispute

David Mack returns to comics next month with Knit Like a Cunt, which, according to some, is a tale of a renegade ninja knittist with the ability to knit samurai swords. This is not to be confused with Lea Hernandez's own recent release Knit Me a Cunt about a sentient rag doll that yearns to have sex.

John Byrne claims it was only a matter of time before knitting made an impact on comics, "It was only a matter of time before knitting made an impact on comics," he said. "I expected it to happen around the time I was doing the FF; there was a lot of knitwear products on the market, especially during the winter and Jim Shooter was about to give the green light on an all wool comic when Mad Sheep Disease struck many farms. I always thought it would be the Vietnamese who would crack the knitting comics thing."

Marvel Comics spokesperson Gordon Ramsey said, "We have no plans as yet to produce comics with a knitting theme, but we did, secretly, launch an entire mini-series with a wool fibre weaved into the pages. I can't say which one because it had a relatively low print run and we all know what happens when things like that get popular, eh?"

Rumour has it there is a plan to reunite John Arcudi with that Mahnke guy and do a Woollen Mask Special. DC's plans for Wool Man have been put on hold.

Sisters are Doing it to Themselves

Slave to the rhythm? Bored of the flies? Molly Ringwald and Chuck Dixon's guide to Masturbating in the War Zone might just be the book for you! Apparently, because of the adrenaline rush that fighting in a war gives some men, they get uncontrollable erections, resulting in unsightly protuberances at the front of their camouflages and combats. All armies are loathe to allow men wank breaks, especially when ol' raghead is firing mortar bombs at your ass; so these two stalwarts of war and wanking have teamed up together for a 32-page whizz through places to have a pull.

Twiggy Arsedust and the Spidercrabs from Venus

Remonstrate all you want, Marvel is cancelling Avengers versus the Wart Things through lack of story. Described by some as possibly the fucking weirdest piece of shit ever to grace comics; Ken Lashley and some Diaz guy have crafted a tale that transcends all logic and doesn't even feature an Avenger in any of the issues so far...

Marshmallow Falls is a quiet place in the back end of Vermont. It has no secret history, no skeletons in its metaphorical cupboard, no rutting teenagers while their parents are at PTA meetings. It is totally normal, except for the Lard Creatures that live throughout the town; just vaguely humanoid beings comprised completely of refined beef fat. No one pays them any attention and if strangers comment, they have their tongues cut out and their memories erased with a red glowing stick.

One day. Ralph, who is a Brush Monster, but a benign one, wanders into the the picturesque town and pays the Lard Creatures no bother. He's seen them before, especially in Palm Springs and Georgia - the country, not the State. This pleases the locals and they start lavishing berries on him like he was a hibernating bear just waking from a glorious winter's sleep. He is offered his own little house and a weekly allowance of otter spunk and all is quiet and normal for the first 47 issues, then, on the even of the announcement that the series is to be cancelled Mrs Van Der Bilt is exposed as a tree; Mr Bladwort is given electro shock treatment by a rabid nurse, Eric the Viking's son tells Kimmy that it isn't that he doesn't fancy her, it's just that he's really a satyr; Melrose and Flange, the undertakers are revealed to be ghouls who collect Lego and our hero, Ralph is transformed into a broom just as the sky is full of vaguely Japanese looking wart things!

"We had so much planned," said Lashley; Diaz was inconsolable and unable to speak to us. "He invested so much time; he lost an entire field of turnips through neglect to do this project and we thought it was just beginning to pay some dividends." Lashley claims he's going to move to France and milk children.

I've Seen the Light

Former Valiant Comics letterer Janet Jackson has been arrested for exposing one of her breasts at this year's Superbowl. Ms Jackson, 47 and former concubine of the previously mentioned Jim Shooter, is said to have become delusional about her name over recent years, especially now she is living on welfare and sleeps with tramps to keep warm.

Egg Albumen

A large number of comics professionals led by Mark Waid, Len Kaminski and some other fat guys, Mike W. Barr included, are threatening to go on strike unless they are paid more money by comics companies, because, they claim, they need to eat more than the average person to keep their rich imaginations flowing. "We demand more money. More money means more Twinkies!" These were just four of the slogans they were seen chanting by a Hot Dog Stand in Oregon.

Sam of Sam's Hot Dogs said, "they're always stopping off here for a bite or six. I know it's a long way from New York, but these guys get all their travel costs paid for by Sony, so if they claim they need to go to Oregon for research some little Jap in Tokyo is just going to scratch his signature over a sheet of shit and here are my boys. They especially love my mom's sauerkraut." Barr, who also suffers from chronic IBS and now needs to be transported around by a mini crane said, "are you going to eat that roll?"

The Funniest Joke I never Saw

Speaking of Irritable Bowel Syndrome; this is a problem that many comics professionals suffer from. It is apparently caused by spending too much time pondering on the toilet when they should just evacuate and them get off the pot. Achievers spend less than 3 minutes having a shit; if it doesn't come out after a gentle push, it isn't ready. Pull them shorts back up and get on with the course of your day. Forcing poo from your bum is a bad idea and causes tension in your rectum, relaxing the blood vessels and eventually allowing them to swell with diseased blood; when these eventually pop it's normally at a posh friend's dinner party and right near something pristine white; it is often accompanied by the smell of poo and disease. You will lose many friends; no one will invite you for dinner again and you will probably die from blood poisoning.

Cerebral Poultry

One of the largest comic book producers in the known universe, Maldives Comics, have been spending the last four years looking for new premises or tough enough stilts to be able to continue producing some of the most popular comics ever ever. However, countries have not been quick in offering alternatives to the company. "We were offered a small shed in Port Talbot in Wales and most of the Australian Outback, which seemed like a good idea especially as they promised to throw in a generator, but they also insisted we took no water and a box of poisonous frogs. We're considering buying a raft from Millets and just producing our stuff while floating around off the coast of Madagascar," said Jose Bean, who works there.

Boom!

An upcoming issue of Ms Marvel is to focus on the plight of hairy women and a Wonder Woman special will deal with the issue of fishy vaginal odours in two comics aimed at heightening women's awareness of personal hygiene levels after UN reports suggested women were now much dirtier than men but far more surreptitious about it. "Woman smell and have cheesy motts!" Is what one Blogger wrote, while another said, "I know a girl who can grow weeds in her arse!" A spokesperson for women said, "Will you just grow up."

Naughty Insides: egg custards, craven dale, leech curry, crinoline, vague recollections, brass toff, ink lined, shopping trophy, seminal fluid, pank, rolled over, baron land, slow boiled fat, unshaven havens, fast relief, pink gin, pinking, ping kin, lava bread, ugly Staines, what ford, boat face and a leprechaun with a fetish for lime smeared radish soufflé rubbed into his sores while a naked pygmy sings the songs of Val Doonican under a green spotlight.

A Fear of Farting

Afro-Caribbean Lighter Fluid

Remember Grant Morrison? He's back with a new series called The Exaggerator and its about Bob Thomas, a mild mannered house husband with a fetish with girls dressed as snails, who is given the belief that he has an incredible superpower, when in fact all he can do is lie very well. Over the space of a few months he exaggerates himself into a major force amongst heroes and before long he's on the front pages of all the major metalworking magazines.

But deep down in a big hole near Romsey in Hampshire lives the Utter Bastardator, the Exaggerator's biggest threat and when all the powers of the unknown are unleashed upon the world, all the heroes rush to try and stop it, but keep getting knocked back by the serpent thing. Finally, knowing only the Exaggerator is capable of stopping Utter Bastardator, they go to him for help, but he chickens out and hides in an abandoned fridge on some waste ground and dies.

Carnival of Grebes

Aaron Lopresti and Alejandro Jodorowsky have teamed up for Batman versus The Slow Worm a 93-page semi-hard back book about the first meeting between Batman and his alternate universe arch enemy the Slow Worm; a monstrously fast alien being that shoots laser beams from its toes.

Horn of Plenty

Brandon Peterson returns to comics after a ten year break for kidnapping young boys in Pennsylvania with a new comic about comics artists. Described as a sitcom in comics form the series will be written by Andrew Helfer and directed by Martin Scorcese's dog's hairdresser. The series is called 11 Teabaggings.

Illicit Tongues

There is a strong possibility I've been getting someones name wrong for the last 11 years.

Golden Globes

We all know that comics about vegetables rarely work. Back in the 80s Flaming Carrot was the only comic that was aimed at a specifically vegetarian end of the market and it was successful until a slurry of cash ins arrived in the 90s. The Amazing Turnip, Culpable Orange, Lettuce Leaf: Angel of Justice, Kohl Rabbi - the Kosher Root, and who could forget Runner Bean and Squash? All of them not fit to line a compost bin. But now it seems veg is in again all thanks to the triumvirate of Brians - Pulido, Talbot and Gillespie!

Spud Murphy versus the Broccoli Men and the Legume Brigade from the Planet Artichoke: Allotment Wars.

Protracted Womb

It's been 37 years since 1973 and that's a long time if you're actually younger than 37. But few people remember that it was in 1973 or thereabouts that Jack Kirby created some of his most mediocre DC work. To commemorate this, DC is assembling the largest number of dolphins it can muster who are going to spell out the words KING in the middle of the Adriatic Sea. Rumour has it that Steve Ditko is training the dolphins, secretly, in an undersea base, to spell out the word CUNT.

Iron Maiden

Chris Claremont has assured fans that despite him growing to look more and more like a bearded sir John Gielgud, he isn't about to lower his trousers and take a sausage roll up the winking star of David. In fact, Claremont is back with a new series about rabid frogs and pre-pubescent starlings, but is having problems getting anyone to buy the 270 part series for fear that his new look might mean he has AIDS or something else just as deadly.

A Corpse by any Other Name

A university in Illinois is producing a comicbook entirely out of human ... how do you put this? It's not waste... out of human product.

The ink for the entire print run will be made from blood, sweat, faeces, urine, semen, sperm, menstrual blood, vaginal discharge, ear wax, phlegm, saliva, milk, tears, smegma, female ejaculate and creme de menthe. We have no other details at the moment apart from the secret ones.

Torpid Beluga

Image, suffering from being derivative and stereotypical, are launching a new series of comics designed to appeal to the more perverted amongst comics fans. Nothing new there! I hear you all cry, en masse. But, NO, this is different said the latest schmuck to rent the PR man's chair this week. "These are gonna be different; not only will there be gratuitous sex, violence and humiliation, but it's all in 3D," he announced at a massive press conference to a stunned into silence press. "We're going to have the most life like drawings Image has ever mustered; we're going to have shots of pussy from every conceivable angle and more cocks going off than a gay man can luncheon on." When asked if the company had ever heard of Eros Comix, the man, now fidgeting and playing pocket billiards said, "Damn you. Damn you all to hell!" and ran off into them kitchens while being chased by a pack of wild dingoes.

The Ascent of Lamb

Someone once said after the 37th cancellation of Aquaman, that it made perfect sense, because just how much crime is committed underwater? Well, writer Dan DiDio thinks he's come up with a plan to beat the jinx!

"We're going to have Arthur carrying around this big tub of water and whenever he runs into people doing bad things he's going to drag them in it, beat them up and then drown them. He's also going to be spending a lot of time in a place called Manchester in England, because that has a lot of rain and ship canals. Basically Aquaman is going to be your - you got water? you got crime? You got me! kinda hero."

When asked whether he felt the new concept made any sense and more importantly how would DC feel about Aquaman turning into a murderous fish tank driver, he said that DC hadn't given him the okay to do the series, so he was doing it at Marvel instead and everyone knew that DC were chickenshit scared of Marvel, so no one is going to complain."

Comics commentator Cliff Biggers says he thinks the new series will have some appeal but like so many other Aquaman series it's destined to fail. However, DiDio has a plan to prevent that from happening, "Marvel said I can do whatever I want with Arthur so if sales drop then I've got a plan to introduce Nick Fury, Dr Strange, Wonder Woman and Ka-Zar into the series and create a new superhero team called the Zatanna 5." He cackled, no one else saw the joke.

Screwdriver Plus

Three new eco-comics are out next month from Marvel. X-Men: Polyurethane pits the mutants against a mountain of old plastic bin bags that have been taken over by the pissed off spirit of the Earth, who then hands the mutants their arses on a plate. This is followed by Luke Cage: Power Cut, a moral tale about a hero who can't get anyone to buy his services in a time of crisis, because of the recession and global warming. The series concludes with Pussy Shots of Female Marvel Heroes in a bid to make sure all three sell well. Gay readers will be offered an alternative.

Strung Vest

Captain America's 11 inch cock is the talk of the town at the moment. Steve Rogers has been seen whipping his whopper out whenever anyone asks him and local police have been concerned about the affect on young children. Sheriff Larry Holmes said, "I would have thought he have thought of the children." Holmes was later seen having his photo taken while holding Rogers' cock like it was some foreign snake.

Bolivian Ankle Prowess

It is said that comics are a medium that allows you to break any taboo; to portray any act of indecency you can imagine and get away with it for the sake of art. Well, Arthur Adams is attempting to do just that with his new one-shot Arthur Adams' World of Uncannily Unusual and Strangely Obscene Creatures Performing Acts Never Imagined by the Most Perverted of Diseased Minds, Volume 1. In a bizarre twist, Adams broke into the printer's on the night it was going to print and changed the sticker from 18s only to all ages and added four noughts onto the print run. When asked why he just laughed like a girl and mumbled something about asking Joyce.

Nest Igloo: Corinthians, big jobs, Lourdes cricket ground, Hammond organ, under stamp, place Matt's, medium rare, polo mint condition, rank outsider, digestive track, peanut bummer, rough diamond, Ann Summers, Bing Crosby, leprosy rainbow, boiled sweet, suet prize, Denys Cowan's pubic lice, pubic lice in general, public lice, pubic lime, pummel horse, posh and how many elephants does it take to dismember a goat on acid?

Rapid Mole Rage

Goodbye!

Clifford Van Meter is the man behind the new Avengers versus the Mutant Crab Bastards, a new series from Marvel which will be drawn by Dale Keown and inked by a perspiring rhesus monkey. Van Meter, who isn't Dutch, said, "These crab bastards are really cool, they like shoot lasers and shit from out of their feet! I'm really excited about this."

Goodbye 2!

Alex Segura is the man behind the new Justice League of Tasmania versus the Alien Lobster Fiends, a new series from DC which will be drawn by Adam Kubert and inked by a aspiring homosexual lamprey. Segura, who isn't Russian, said, "These Lobster Fiends are really cool, they like shoot lasers and shit from out of their feet! I'm really excited about this."

Acid Blood Bath Misery

Brian Michael Bendis and Ashley Wood have finally got out of their mutual bath of manfat and decided to team up on a new title for independent bravos IDW. Ring Peace is the tale of a socially dysfunctional gay boy with superpowers, who brutally rapes his way to the top of the superhero tree before finally succumbing to a woman that reminded him of his dead mother.

Ashley Wood has declared he will draw the entire series in spats.

Junk on my Trophy

Christopher Golden, a man who has seen Mike Mignola naked, is also a bit weird and covers himself in eels at least twice a week then sets himself on fire, while telepathically telling the eels to snuff out the flames. He does this while listening to Aphex Twin remixes of Aqua records.

Golden spoke to us from his hospital bed in the burns unit of Springfield Hospital, but as his tongue had been eaten by a rabid eel it was difficult to understand what he was saying.

White Wine and Cowboy Boots

Cranberry droppings are just one of the weird things in Brian Wood's new series X-Men: Pubic Fiasco.

Lead away by the Testicles

More news from Dark Horse and a welcome return for The Mask in a new 4-part series written by Andy Diggle and Dan Abnett and drawn by the insufferably dull polymath Bryan Hitch. The Mask: Eat My Shit Fat Boy is about a McDonald's worker who on inheriting the ancient artifact begins to defecate into customers' faces while simultaneously having sex with the 14 year old girls that continually hang around the place.

Drawn, Hung and Larded

A new series from DC Comics is sure to be a big hit amongst people with skin diseases. The new series, Batman: Scabs, is by Dean Haspiel and Liam Sharp and comes with a free bag of detritus. DC CEO Dave Gibbons said, "I'm what? Since when? Wow, that's way cool. My perfect son turned out gay..."

On My Own

The pathetic nature of things has meant that a play fight between Dylan Teague and Doug Braithwaite has meant that both men will have to serve at least 7 months in an all women prison. Caught on CCTV, the comics people did something and were then arrested, charged, brought before a judge and sentenced within 62 minutes of the offence taking place. Both men expect their 7 month sentences to have concluded by the end of this sentence.

Pathetic Penetration Skills

A new Daredevil mini-series by Gary Erskine and Geoff Johns has been cancelled because it is utter shit. One fan commented, "having DD fight a pity of jellied eels for 3 issues was just taking the piss, especially on the back of his 'epic' battle with his hairdresser Courtney.

Johns, who wrote some episodes of Smallville, said, "It's a shame because the next few issues were going to be really special. In one, Matt Murdock goes for a Chinese meal and has to, unexpectedly go for a crap; and in the other there's an altercation with a deaf priest in a hall of mirrors and some mozzarella.

Liberal Gusset

The formidable pairing of Dean Ormston and Dustin Nguyen for the forthcoming Secret Wars V: This Time There's Jelly Monsters From the Planet Pimbo Pluva has drawn gasps of astonishment from the Namibian High Council.

Goodbye 7!

Kieron Dwyer is the man behind the new X-Factor versus the Pink Wobbly Cretins from the Planet Earth, a new series from Image which will be written by Hunt Emerson and inked by a polymorphic abstract Roy Kinnear. Dwyer, who has no ability apart from being able to wipe his own arse, said, "These Pink Wobbly Cretins are really cool, they like shoot lasers and shit from out of their feet! They could almost be real. I'm really excited about this."

Vent

David Lloyd is having his wisdom teeth removed and replaced with transistor radios and small imitation models of a hot dog stand. He is also having one of his canine teeth carved into the shape of a very small and slightly deformed penis, in honour of his brother.

Next in line: Arab strap; safe gondoliers, wandering Hans, veiled threats 2, beatnik princes, Alison Goldfrapp, cheese creatures, pink fairies, crazy days, kaleidoscopic eyes, beauty dies, stars collide, letting go, so simple, away from me dark spot, marshes in time, cold sores, hot flushes, brand loyal, man and manfat, Bob Monkhouse - is it all right to talk about him now he's been dead for a while? Tin.

The Discoloured Poo Records

Thrust in Me

Do you know? I quit my home country because I thought it was just a bit too weird, but there's nothing weirder than Catholic Americans; because they don't just kill small mammals they eat their young!

The Catholic Anti-Wanking League has called for the ban on any comic book that either suggests that a character is about to or indulges in masturbation, and, more controversially, all comics that a person could find sexually stimulating enough to produce enough friction to produce an orgasm. And, it looks like it might get passed in the US Senate, despite claims by the current administration that wanking is totally normal and even the President does it, or at least one of his aides does.

The comic that is likely to come in for the most criticism is Lost Jizzum, which is one of those weird ideas that only comics creators could come up with. This tells the story of what happens to all the spent manfat that fell onto the island of Lost and how the island's unique properties turns this slightly oily man bi-product into an entire society of sperm creatures; or, to be more scientifically correct, semen creatures, as there is far more of that than there is sperm. The sperms turn into micro-gods, with the power to scare doves and melt ice.

Jordan Cleavage of CAWL has called for calm, "We really need to stay calm!" He said before going onto how people might adopt a more calm approach to the current situation. Later, on Larry King, Mr Cleavage was seen trying to French kiss one of the audience after attempting to gatecrash the recording.

Equal Oppor-tuna

The sales of limes in parts of Florida have fallen dramatically after Mike Carey's latest comic suggested that alien buzz saw creatures lived inside the citrus fruit. Carey said, "Sometimes people struggle to differentiate from the real world and the world of comics. This is totally understandable as we live in a world where all of the things in comics already exist, so comics have to adapt and try to be different. Sometimes idiots struggle to understand this and if it wasn't for their hard earned cash then someone really should just kill these stupid cunts."

Abnormal Orange

Subsequently they had to cancel the print run because the possum's faeces just got smeared all over the finished product. I always said having a printing firm under a possum factory was a bad idea.

Absinthe and Lamb

Behind every great comics creator is usually his or her's boyfriend and it is because this is a world predominantly created by outrageously camp homosexuals, but read by dour and serious business executive types. Is this due to the fact that gay men have better imaginations (presumably from all that shit that gets under their foreskins) or could it be down to something simple like the breed of dog they own? Who, indeed, can say? And perhaps, if someone could say, perhaps they shouldn't; mainly because sometimes things shouldn't be said to make things smoother for all those that follow. It's an act of selflessness that so many people no longer seem to grasp is in their ability; but, this could well be down to the worthlessness of self and the disgust we have of our own paucity. Is it right for heterosexual men to pose as gay men to procure jobs within the richest industry in history? And what of the nerds? Who holds the candle for them? Surely tis they who doth fully expect to inherit the wind, but will probably be struck by a prehensile expression of distaste and ambivalence. Who can say for sure that the world is elliptic? And does it matter when there are starving children, dirty and with their anal passages dripping with pus from constant abuse by comics executives and their henchmen of doom.

Eccentric Marmalade

Possibly the oddest thing I've seen this week was the woman with the prolapsed vagina.

Sven the Viking likes Blue Cheese

An interesting conversation between two secretaries at Marvel was picked up by our bugging devices: Do you douche after all that cock? Sometimes, but I like to feel the editors' cum trickling down my legs during the say, especially when it's cold. What the cum or the weather?

Nihilism and Trolls

Succulent Chinese food to take away for lower than average prices!

Next: pigeon English, dulcet tones, shrimp paste, lemon curry and a pound of sausage meat moulded to look like a fake penis being forcibly inserted into Sian Lloyd's anus.

Horace with Piles

Anal Bum Sores

Bruce Banner is to shave his testicles for charity it has just been announced by PETA. Then, under scientific control, the Hulk will then spurt his man fat into the face of Christina Aguilera to the sounds of the Black Eyed Peas. Debbie Gibson declined to be anally raped by Batman.

Clinical Vomit

Restorative Justice is a new DC comic by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon and follows a crack team of policemen, social workers and volunteers as they force young criminals into doing community work.

Vertigo Schmertigo

It all begins when a lazy Doberman called Clyde is struck by a bolt from space transforming him into the most powerful creature on the planet. Clyde now has the power to do anything he wants and starts by transforming all the world's supermodels into Labrador bitches.

After taking control of the planet, he falls foul of the Cow Liberation Front and the Society of Badgers, top secret organisations created to save the planet in the event of a dog becoming God. But unbeknownst to these groups, there is a third, totally wicked group that has only eyes for total domination. The Malevolent Woodlice League have the technology and the know how to destroy the new God and all of the other do-gooders.

But even The MWL aren't aware of the Psychedelic Frog Army, with their spawn and their knives. Suddenly Clyde no longer just wants to sit around licking his balls and bum snorkeling, now he has to rouse himself from his priapic stupor and dance until the sun never shines.

Then Galactus's ghost turns up and eats all the sausage rolls.

Mothered Blood

Gummy Bear kidnapper Billy Tucci and his cohort Shi were seen at a ski resort near Biarritz with a box that is believed to contain the head of former Hollywood actress Barbara Stanwyk, which Tucci is believed to have stolen from the family crypt. Whose family we're not quite sure about as it seems Ms Stanwyk's head has been stolen several times since her death when she died.

LA detective Axel Foley shot me in the foot and stole my banana.

Liver Sports

Eleven times I rang and every single time the phone was answered by a man who wasn't my husband.

Picasso's Nan

There has been a spate of abductions involving comics creators with Spanish names; with the news that Carlos Eszquerra and Sergio Aragones have both disappeared from their respective homes. These two luminaries join the remains of Nestor Redondo, the wife of Gaspar Saladino and a couple of others in the disappearing in mysterious circumstances file.

Aragones was last seen at the dry cleaner's, while Carlos, who drew Judge Dredd a lot, was seen feeding small children peanuts in a park in Andorra.

Ballyhoo

A woman who had her face mutilated by Captain America's penis is to sue both the US Government and Marvel Comics for damages believed to be worth up to $416,000,000,000.32 and death sentences for Steve Rogers and also Rob Liefeld.

The woman, Mrs Valerie Screep of Fort Worth claims she returned home from work late one evening and found Captain America fighting the Red Skull in her yard, she tells the story from this point: "Cap was just in a frenzy; he was pulling the Red Skull's hair out, spitting at him and trying to ram a ferret up the man's posterior. All the time he was screaming 'cunt, cunt, cunt' at the red faced man. When the red faced man's hair had all gone and he started to bleed anally, I thought I'd ask Cap for his autograph; but he was still raging and he grabbed me and pulled his massive penis out, which was encrusted with diamonds and razor blades and proceeded to batter me with it. The money will go some way to fulfilling my dream of buying Austria."

However, Marvel is counter-suing Mrs Screep claiming that she mutilated her own face with Cap's penis and neither the Avenger nor any of the Marvel staff were aware of it. They are suing Mrs Screep for a bowl of soup and some crumbs from her leftover fish fingers.

Expresso Perfume

Saving things is all the rage at the moment and the latest is a charity comic in aid of Simon Bisley's bankruptcy. Many older readers will remember Bisley as the very aggressive and sexually ambiguous artist on Lobo, who was kicked out of comics for 18 months after he forced someones 86 year old granny to felate him in front of children dressed as superheroes. Since then, the Biz as someone once referred to him as, has struggled to find any kind of work outside of selling steroids to weedy kids. The comic which has lots of tits, guns and cars in it will cost $45 and 62 cents goes directly to Bisley.

Ostrich Preamble

Apparently ragwort is poisonous to bovines and that's the theme of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical to be drawn by Gerry Allanguillan and scored by a woman with a sharp knife.

Next time: Lime Aid, Carley Flower, Russell Sprout, Coal Rabbi, Let Us, Broke Ally, Ring Worm, sandwich filler, blond bombshell, peach Melba, Tampax for boys, leech curry, Velcro hamsters, cruel and unusual, torture chamber pit, Stygian folds, Dystopia Falls, wishful thinking; beige fronds, ballet gun, Jurgen Klinsmann, Christmas lights, Turkish delight, brazen hussies and dart player's elbow.

Porcelain Jam Salami

Elephant Jizzum Toast

One in 10 children thinks the Queen invented the Amazing Spider-Man, a survey of children's science knowledge suggests. Others gave credit for the character's invention to Charles Darwin, Elvis Presley and Noel Edmonds. One in 20 of the 1,000 pupils polled thought Star Wars' Luke Skywalker or Richard Branson had been the first to play the wallcrawler in a TV series. Some 60% of nine- and 10-year-olds thought Stan Lee discovered fire, the survey for a science campaign in Birmingham Alabama Science City found. Despite these misconceptions, more children want to win a Nobel prize for science than be in the X-Factor team. Many claiming that mutants are all smelly and eat smegma. The survey of primary and secondary school children in the UK suggests there is some confusion about key comics events and possibly the beginnings of worrying psychosis for young brats.

Oscillating Cryogenic Chambers

The deaths of 75 comic fans, which appeared to fall from the sky and smash into a driveway in Somerset has mystified the ComicBook Legal Defence Fund. The fans were spotted falling onto the entrance of a house in Coxley in Somerset on Sunday 7 March. Comics welfare officer Allessandro Sparketesi, who was called overweight by police, said: "It was a remarkable sight, I've never seen anything like it." There is no evidence the comics fans were ill or poisoned before they hit the ground.

Rapidograph Tongue Twister

Police in Colombia say they have found 16kg (35lb) of cocaine inside comics created by artist Mike Deodato Jr being shipped to Spain. The cocaine had been mixed into the ink of the comics as they were being printed, police said. No arrests were made during the operation. The comics were found in a Bogota warehouse ahead of shipment to Madrid. Colombia's cartels are using ever more sophisticated smuggling techniques as they target more European markets. Prices for cocaine are higher in Europe than the US and the chances of extradition much lower, say correspondents. "This is a sophisticated concealment system for the drugs to be shipped in comics by a renowned Brazilian artist," a police statement said.

Deodato Jr, 72, of Porto Allegre is believed to have locked himself in his house and is refusing to leave until he is given assurances that his life is in danger.

Lassie Version on Sale

Avi Arad, man best known for being a man who works a bit with Stan Lee at times, is to become a father at the age of 80. Arad's gay lover Dave Purbeck has had a foetus implanted in his anus and 9 months later a shit baby has been born; or it might have just been a really big poo.

Relocating in Qatar

The last time anyone saw his dad was when he fell out of the train one night when he was drunk. They were still cleaning vomit off the window at Christmas.

Encyclopedia of Desiree

The Justice League of America are going on tour to Azerbaijan and other countries beginning with the letter A, including Austria, Australia and Andorra, despite Monaco claiming the small European country is more of a principality rather than a proper country. Martian Manhunter speaking on behalf of the League said he really didn't care as long as they could shift a lot of units and make some money to finance a new headquarters after the last one was eaten by a giant toad.

Tape Worm

During a very long and enjoyable masturbation session with my dog and a young friend from the street adjacent to where I live, it dawned on me that I should be videoing this and selling it for money. However, I haven't got a video camera and Marc Silvestri doesn't draw fast enough.

Alsace and Lorraine

Angelic she might be but Sandra Bullock eats cat shit; apparently it helps keep her complexion from falling off. The 44 year old Oscar winner admitted that only cat shit that has been well oiled will do and she reminded everyone to wash under their foreskins, even the women.

Tricycle Envy

Acetic she might be but, Cameron Diaz drinks cat piss; apparently it helps keep her complexion from falling off. The 57 year old former porn hostess admitted that only cat piss that has been well folded will do.

Next Time: Are you Gay? Well there are two easy ways to find out and neither involve inflamed IBS; tendinitis of the liver; Plastic Oh No Bands; Walls have years; duff computers and sad wankers.

The latfo of Scrunge

Ribena Enema

If the saying, 'wherever I lay my hat is my home' is correct, then tonight Matthew I'm sleeping in Cameron Diaz's vagina... Or at least that's the premise of new game show called Fark My Sheep, a nautical quiz with an Iraqi twist.

Conjugal Tights

Labia Minora or labia majora, which are your favourites? Personally, I find it quite disgusting if you have that flappy bit of flesh dangling lower than the rim. I just want to attack it with a pair of very sharp milliners' scissors. That or let my starving ferret loose on her mott.

Peace Meal

British based artist Simon Coleby has recently set fire to a complete collection of bingo wings, belonging to elderly women, all over the age of 60. Coleby who has been collecting these objects since his mother was attacked by a rabid pensioner claims that it's all very therapeutic. "It's all very therapeutic!" He also admitted to a fondness for marshmallows and doughnuts, but said he would never consider ones with sprinkles on them.

Wedged Flange

Glen Fabry, another Englander, is currently working on a 64-page graphic novel about his own anus. Called Shit On This it's about an effort to defecate on as many sheep as he can in a 24 hour period. Hollywood have expressed an interest in this and Mel Gibson wants to play Fabry's arse.

Laminated Aluminum

If life is just an illusion what is that midget clown doing to my sofa?

A Big Shout or a Little Hale

The weather report is about to be adapted into a new monthly series by Image. Focusing on the adventures of Steve Russett, a roving weather reporter for KRAP TV in West Virginia. In the first issue Steve battles an occluded front and stops Dr Octopus from taking control of an ant farm. Image might be sued by Marvel.

A Woman's Thrush is a Stone's Throw away

Sheikh Mohammed of the UAE wants to write the Fantastic Four and wants to have Sue Storm covered in a Burkha, but with her genitals on display, in what is regarded as a thumbing of the nose at devout Muslims and prudish Americans. "I want her cunt showing in all its glory and her testicles too!" Said the 74 year old Sheikh.

The book comes out in a couple of months.

Rubber Helmet

One of our closest primate relatives, the bonobo, has been shown to voluntarily share comics, scientists report.

This sort of generous behaviour was previously thought by some to be an exclusively human trait.

But a team has carried out an experiment that revealed that bonobos were more likely to choose to share their comics than opt to read alone.

The research is published in the Comics Journal.

Dr Bryan Hobknob from Dyke University, USofA, and Suzy Kuntafromkansasa, a prostitute working at a Bonobo centre for orphaned bonobos in the Democratic Republic of Bonoboland, gave a bored bonobo access to a room with some Spider-Man and Batman comics in it.

This room was adjacent to another two rooms, which the creature could easily see into. One of these rooms was empty while the other contained another bonobo.

After the first bonobo read the reprint of Amazing Spider-Man #129 - the first Punisher - she walked to the other room and handed the comic to another bonobo and grunted (or possibly farted, the mic couldn't get enough clarity). She then returned, picked up a Cerebus telephone directory and began to read that to her children. This astounded scientists as they had not actually left Dave Sim's work in the room, the chimp had purchased it from Amazon with money it had stolen from the cleaning woman.

Damn those monkeys...

The Stars have all got Wee on Them

The worst thing that can happen to a comics company is for their top talent to leave or refuse to finish a project. Consider how it must be for the publisher of Mark Waid's mega selling new title who discovered that the 88 year old writer had tied his arms and legs to a steam ship and was literally slowly ripped to pieces.

Or maybe that was a dream.

Invaded by Piles

Graphic artist Bob Wakelin has recently given up smoking. Good for him.

Next time: fruit loops, banana daiquiris, Vilmos Sigmund, the band of the 4th Royal Dragoons, leotards, velcro flies, petrol head arsonist, under garments, stealth mole, singed minge, scoliosis chips; Jesus bat, rigid plastic containers, documentary film, large obstructions, chip and spin, leech brandy, marmite ripple ice, Lennon and McCarthy, I scream, Barry Roness, I Love New York, anchovy banners, dropsy, a carpaggio of deltas, Viennese fingered and starched whales.