The Crap in You

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Announcement: The NFEX blog was hacked into last week by someone purporting to be David Scott, writing an editorial about the state of the industry. David Scott never editorialises; this was an impostor and someone who obviously has a very small and dysfunctional penis. We now return you to our normal service:

Latex Cauliflower

Jae Lee is back in the news after claiming on his website that if he didn't get the new Iron Man gig, he would, 'wipe my cock on every under age girl in the state of Minnesota'. To our knowledge, Lee has never been to Minnesota, so this could be a bonus for comics fans there, especially if they're under age girls - get that penile smear autographed!

Devastating Diseases

In what could be one of the greatest stories ever uncovered in these pages, we have news that will shock and appal a number of people. I was trapped because of the volcano problem on a remote Greek island, where I just happened to be sharing the island with Bruce Banner, who often goes there for some R&R. Me and Bruce go back a long way and he'd been on the island for 3 months, which led me to ask him about the current Hulk comic. This is what he said:

"I'm considering taking Marvel to court; they have breached the rules of my contract and they have blatantly been making shit up about me. I told them, 'I'm going on vacation, you'll just have to run reprints or put the damned thing on hiatus.' But it seems they didn't listen to me. The last time this happened they unleashed that pathetic storyline where all those multi-coloured Hulks appeared; this really pissed off the Hulk and whenever I let him out to smash a few rocks or have a hot dog, he got really upset about it, claiming that the world was being taken over by Joseph and his technicolor She-Hulks. I had to sedate him with drugs and naked women."

He continued, "Yeah, so I'm like really pissed off with these cunts. All the current stuff is totally made up, none of it happened to me. I've never met with adamantium knife wielding psychopath before." I pointed out that he had during the early 1990s. "Yeah, but not one who looks like this. Do Marvel's readers really believe I'd have that much trouble against this pleb? I've been talking to DC, but they claim there's a shortage of green ink at the moment and if I'd consider changing colour to pink they might consider a transfer fee. Let me just tell my adoring fans, Marvel are fucking with you, homies. These stories are not about da Hulk, they're some figment of the imagination of some dog arse sucking scrotum bag of nepotism. I'd blame Joe Quesada, but he's just a fucking dribbling fool nowadays, the real power is the Leader."

Fortunately for both of us the volcano went away and we flew home. Me by DC10 and Bruce via his legs. He had orange trunks on. Claims they're going to change the way people think about him. Fat chance, the man is as mad as a dozen cunts with rabies.

Vaginal Discharge

A new anthology of banned 1960s comics is being released next month. Gene's Colon Explosion features work by Adam Austin while he was drawing for men's health magazine Motions in Motion. We don't really need to tell you much more, do we?

Slow Death Cooker

Dale Eaglesham has admitted that he is addicted to heroin and has sold his younger sister into a paedophile ring to pay for his $6000 a day habit. Standing in front of a court in Bailey, Maine, Eaglesham admitted stealing a tin of hot dogs in brine and some salad cream from Dusty's Road Side Supermarket and Gas Station and falsely buying women's underwear using an expired store card. The artist was released on bail and told that his crimes, if found guilty, will probably lead to him having to donate a kidney to a dying black child.

Pivotal masonry

The remains of Milton Caniff have been stolen from the family crypt, ground into powder and have been mixed with seeds from a rare Amazonian plant in the hope of growing some old newspaper strips. Scientists have said if they can perfect this, they'll invent a time machine and bring a young Jack Kirby to the future where they will torture him and chop his fingers off.

Jewish Sponge

A new comic from Jonathon Hickman is likely to cause problems amongst several sections of society on its release. 5 Black Cunts is a disturbing tale about the sexual degradation and abuse of 5 jiggerboo kids from the deep south. Hickman, a known racist and member of the white supremacist group 'Kill Anyone Wot Aint White' or KAWAW, feels justified with his new project, "We have a Muslim coon in charge of our fair country; I want to do what I can to make people aware of what an evil commie this fucker is, that's why my comic has his two daughters being subjected to the most abuse. I especially like it when the heroes use Malia's mouth as a toilet for 6 months.

The NSPCC - National Society for Perfecting Cruelty to Children have applauded the comics daring strategy and have awarded Hickman with a life time achievement award, despite the writer only being 17.

Cod Peace

Tired of the constant stream of immigrants coming into your country? Move to their country instead. Become a dictator. Plough your 4x4 through fields of peasant shit and remember to have your comics standing order shipped to you by UPS, because the industry needs you, wherever you decide to cause mass hysteria.

Savage Garden

I recently met up with Kevin Plunder, who has been working as a special needs teacher in Svalbard. The former hero and subject of at least 23 failed comic book attempts, gave up appearing in comics in 1999 and has since been teaching kiddies with brain problems how to do simple things, like count, read and wipe their own bottoms. I asked Kevin if he had any regrets about being a really lame, second rate Tarzan and what Zabu has been doing.

"Well, it wasn't my fault Marvel couldn't persuade Tarzan to sign up with them; Stan reckoned they had some good stories for the real wild man of the jungle; but he went to DC because he was a friend of Joe Kubert and I got signed up. I felt a bit like the Monkees being compared to the Beatles, except I didn't bring anything new to the table. I was probably the most boring character ever, even when I appeared with the X-Men it was like everyone was a bit embarrassed to be seen around me. Scott Summers actually asked Jim Lee once if he could just, you know, forget that Kevin was there. It got very depressing and I took a lot of drugs and slept with a load of very dirty guys.

"Zabu on the other hand... He spent a few months secretly living with Ben Grimm before doing a two year stint in Cancun with Lockjaw as these crazy house DJs. After that he moved into corporate finance and tent hire. The last couple of years he's been living in the Arizona desert with Shanna; I think they have something going on. He visits me occasionally, but he's had less and less to say the last few times and he doesn't like it that I live in northern Norway. In my own funny way, I hate and detest him."

Any chance of a comeback?

"I don't think so. I have IBS now and a dodgy knee. My life is important teaching kids how to be human. Yes, they don't understand me as I haven't yet learnt how to speak Norwegian; I'm desperate for some female companionship that has pubic hair and because I'm no longer even remotely famous, I've discovered that even jars of my sperm don't sell on ebay any longer. It's this or I kill myself."

Reclaiming Desdemona

J. Scott Campbell is to honour the memory of his old friend Mike Turner by sleeping with his widow and filming it for an MTV special. Campbell reckons that he's saved up enough jizzum to make sure that the results are explosive. The special is being filmed in 3D and TV executives are deciding at this very moment whether or not to use a substitute for Mrs Turner, as she really is a bit fat and plain.

Next time: folds, sweat, bile, cream, ink, vomit, secretions, faeces, urine, female ejaculate and Jim Boswell talks about trying to be something when you aren't very good at what you do. All this and some dancing girls with twirly nipples!

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Forced Editorial Entry

Comment by David Scott

In June, there will be 1,634, 701 comics titles released. That is an increase of 17,200 on May and it is becoming clear as a mole's arse that this kind of growth is unsustainable. Admittedly, Marvel and DC employ over 1million people each, making them the two largest employers in the world, but how long before the bubble bursts, spewing a sort of creamy streaked faecal residue over everything?

Shortly before his first death in 1974, comics legend Jack Kirby said in an interview with a transvestite that he felt by 2010 there would be more than 1.5million comics on sale every month and he believed that as many as all of them might be very poor. Shortly before Kirby's second death, some years later, he smeared blood streaked vomit on his nurse's exposed nipples - it was all he could muster.

It has to be said that now there are more comics than there are potential story lines, there is a propensity for repetition and for the totally mundane. The 3-part Spider-Man: Crochet School is a perfect example; a comic series, which according to crochet professionals was lacking in factual accuracy and a true depiction of Peter Parker. Another example would be Justice League Antigua, essentially an excuse to have semi-naked super heroes swanning about on a Caribbean island drinking coconut milk and performing felatio on unsuspecting locals. Ultimately, Spawn: Bored was very much a lowlight in comics mediocrity, but at least some people saw the humour in it.

Of course, there's going to be a lack of quality control when all you employ are dribbling lobotomised idiots on a government funded return to work scheme for the mentally retarded and the dysfunctionally crap; but this is one of the ways that both DC and Marvel manage to avoid paying both hefty tax bills and obscenity law fines; Image don't mind paying them because they get tax breaks on having to pay them because they aren't good enough to employ more than a million people. A perfect example of this lack of QC is Nujjees from DC. It's about a toy monkey that eats metal and then dies. It was a mass of swirling bright colours and gurning faces; yet sales were tremendous among the slightly insane and weirdly bananas category.

Ostensibly, the main reason for people buying 2.7billion comics a month is because the world is a wonderful place and we're all very rich and healthy thanks to the real life superheroes, whose comics we talk about have made the world a safer and better place. People like to read the drawn adventures of their favourite heroes rather than watch them on television or in real life. The controversy recently that some stories were made up and didn't really happen sent shock waves through the industry. This led to the unprecedented move by Jim Shooter to attempt to buy the patent for $1. He cited a little known clause that fortunately was made up and forged to look like a true thing. But the repercussions could be devastating.

Possibly the worst thing happening to comics at the moment is the proliferation of gay comics and comics aimed at paedophiles. I know that the two groups are not mutually inclusive, but do we really want our children subjected to graphic pictures of men doing it? Do we really want to see evil child rapists doing unspeakable things to girls under the age of 10? Well, it appears we do! Marvel's X-Men: Paedo Time was the highest selling comic in 2008 (a copy was sold at the summit of K2); DC's biggest selling comic of 2009 was Superman: Chicken Fucker and this year's biggest selling book so far was Green Lantern: Homo Paedo Kids on Acid, which tells the story of a group of sexually abused teenagers who take drugs and start having sex with people of similar gender. The only criticism all reviewers had with this million selling title was Green Lantern only appears in the last 3 frames of the 26-part maxi-series.

What does this say about the reading public? The USA now have more comics about illegal sexual practices than Japan has comics about changing a baby's nappy - 42,716 at last count and all of them rank inside the top 50,000 best sellers. Speaking of which, has it not become a pointless exercise to produce a magazine called Comics Sales Figures Monthly if all it is going to have is 2700 pages of lists, month in month out. A little bit of analysis wouldn't go amiss. CFSM is, of course, one of the smaller selling magazines about comics. It's total yearly sales is only 44, but at $35,000 a page for advertising, they only need to sell 40,000 pages of advertising a year to break even.

Magazines about comics have existed for hundreds of years, even before comics had been invented; but 2009 saw the birth of a new phenomena - the magazine about comics magazine news. This was a great success for the publisher and the first issue sold over 2million copies. However, by #3 sales had dropped to 118. Many believe the decision to print the entire magazine on weasel leather from #2 was a deciding factor. Splotch is now the most successful magazine about comics in the world. Produced by a blind dwarf and a paraplegic ex-financier from Oregon, Splotch mixes news and views with high definition photographs of 17 year old virgins' delicate parts and, of course, it's Look Where I Took A Shit section has won numerous awards, including one from the British Grape Federation.

Overall, the industry is so healthy it can afford to buy many small under-developed countries, as Marvel attempted recently when it tried to buy the Maldives (rumour has it when the company failed, it tried to sink the island with a big corkscrew like device - obliterating 5 before being driven away by the legion of dancing skulls). The future for comics however isn't so rosy. Producing comics by artists so substandard readers have problems working out not only what is going on, but also who is who, is ridiculous and a recipe for some uneatable Sunday dinner. Editor in Chiefs have both pinpointed the need to gag the slaves while they are being tortured and to get the most out of artists like Anthony Williams; who has had his hands sewn back on and is currently undergoing rehabilitation before returning to draw 30 comics in a calendar month.

Many of the smaller independent writers, who are either blacklisted from major publishers or are just ignored, now use computer generated comicbooks, where they feed a script into the computer and the finished comic comes out the other end; pencilled, inked, lettered, coloured and edited, all by a computer programme. The only problem is that editor software is temperamental at best; often comics come out with misinterpreted dialogue.

In conclusion; all cats are grey; my doctor has got 4 fingers, the state of play amongst the major rivals is one of trepidation and cautious pessimism and who is having what for tea tonight. The obvious parallels can be drawn, but we haven't got enough pencils.

Live prosperously and long.

Mould in Wales

Rake the Challenge

Tom Welling, only really known for playing Clark Kent, wrote the award-winning comic Bastards in Wheelchairs in 2005 and has followed it up with his new book Idiots Up Trees. The actor, who is almost as dull in real life as he is on screen, gave us an exclusive interview, but we declined.

Eat Diss

Whatever happened to Dick Foreman? Well, for those of you that wrote in and asked, we did some digging and he's in an insane asylum and has grown a third arm.

The Baby in Christ

Marvel continues to fight the injunction placed on them by the Maldives, after the country claimed that Marvel was deliberately drilling holes in the smaller islands so that they sink. Marvel's Joe Quesada was seen with a large drill and some paint several times last August when 5 of the islets sank.

Bingo

Jeff Johnson, Antony Johnson, Holly Johnson and Joe Johnson are to form a band called The Winkleys. They will perform dialogue from Bill Mantlo comics to music.

Abyssinian Doormat

There is growing concern about the whereabouts of Ed McGuinness. The 86 year old artist was last seen going to the local 5 and Dime store, in his 1986 Austin Allegro. Reports that there were sightings of aliens in the vicinity have been vigorously denied by the local bishop; so no comparisons or whatever the word is can be drawn.

Curtain Fun

The latest project from Frank Miller is to be published by Fantagraphics, in what many regard as a bold move by the icon. Shit Accidents is not what it would first appear to be. Believed by many to be an anthology of short stories about really crap accidents, such as falling up a ladder and trapping your hand in the dog. But what it actually is is a 798-page graphic novel about how he learned to defecate again after accidentally having his anus sewn up after a skiing incident.

"It's the realism that is important to me, that is why the first 10,000 copies have been especially printed using ink mixed with my own faeces. I made sure that I lived in a diet of roses and lilac flowers for a week, to ensure that the fragrance was nectorish rather than blue cheese. Unfortunately, I had no idea what kind of reaction roses, lilac and stomach juices would produce and that is why those 10,000 copies also come with a government health warning.

"My next project is likely to be another Batman book, but I want to do it for Wallmart this time rather than whoever it is publishes it. I like the idea of Bruce Wayne moonlighting as a cleaner up of sick at an illegal rave in an old abandoned Wallmart superstore.

"After that, Kim is to release a book of photographs of me cutting my toenails into exotic shapes and I'm going to draw the cover to each individual edition using a mixture of my own semen and some squid ink - real Arctic squids, mind, not these cheap Mediterranean ones.

"Then I'm back at DC for my unique take on Arak, Son of Thunder and then I'm back at Marvel for some yoghurt drink."

Svengali Pasta

The overall cost of shipping alpacas from South America to small holdings in Europe now exceeds Paul Levitz's annual salary, which, as most people know, triggers a clause in his contract whereby he has to work for the next 4 years completely shaved and with a swizzle stick poking out of his arse, like those porn stars did before broccoli was invented.

Raster my Quins

Paul Pelettier still owes money to his local laundrette and is refusing to pay the bill, claiming that it spoils his bad boy image if he's seen paying people for services rendered. "I've never had to pay for a prostitute, so why should I pay some little Chinky bint who can't speak of word of English and sounds like a buzz saw cutting a cat in 4?"

Polarisation is the Only way Forward

Now that he's dead it's quite easy to tell you that Steve Gerber had a serious heroin and pre-pubescent girl habits. The now dead writer used to inject the heroin into prepubescent girls and then leave them in woods near a busy freeway. None of the girls have been reported killed, but all are still missing. Kentucky police reckon there could be as many as 86 missing young girls.

When asked why the police force weren't trying harder to find these girls, Chief Larry Stroman said, "Because of police cutbacks in the State, the only people I can recruit to be deputies are paedophiles. Can you imagine the shitstorm?"

Hormone Replacement Traffic

Carlo Pagulayan is to be deported back to the Philippines by immigration officers after he refused to pay the bribe. Pagulayan has drawn some stuff and he's likely to be able to continue to work for comics from his mother's bedroom. Pagulayan married his mother in 2007.

Next Time: wounded knees, big jobs, pawn stars, the mauve, yelp and ouch, masked balls, mince lamb mince, hell.

Eat Your Own Poo

Testicle Destruction

Sometimes God is a duck and few people realise this. If more people were to realise this then the world would be a safer and more harmonious place; apart from foxes that should be eaten with big latex spoons.

Gland Relay

Comics grandee and strange kidney donor Lesbian Skink is returning to comics after a six year hiatus with a new range of comics from SpazCom; the company/publisher that claims it will produce comics to make you 'shit itch' and graphic novels that will 'shrink the piles of even the most IBS ridden trolls'. What all this means is a new line of comics from some of the industry's least well known names.

SpazCom's first and arguably its flagship title is Wobblier; an anthology title consisting of 5 strips and a made up letters page. One of the made up letter writers said, "I was blown away by the diversity and quality of this product. It has everything that is missing from comics produced by the Big 3 ish."

Wobblier features 3 continuous strips and two filler rubbish twaddle. The continuous strips are: Crap Man which tells the story of a very useless person; M for Mongoose which is about a titanic struggle between some bedsheets and a duvet; and Small Cock, the Man with No Time for Sex, which is about the struggle of the Samoan Islanders against a strange scaly man who offers them Calor Gas cookers.

Skink, known to millions as the man who revolutionised DCUK in the 1980s, is also responsible for the most popular comics magazine ever published. Launched in 1989, Hero Vomit is the most widely read magazine on the face of the planet, with sales exceeding 480million copies a month. It has more subscribers than the internet. In 2009, Skink was declared the 7th richest man in the world and the least likely to be invited to a barbecue.

Planned future titles from SpazCom include: Volleyball Tramps, Uncle Vanya's Diaphragm, August Smells, People with Tumours and the vastly anticipated Jim Lee, Jon Ostrander and Brian Augustyn collaboration, Knob Cheese Diaries. Roy Thomas, now regarded as the 3rd most likely comics legend to die soon, said, "They are pulling their punches; this is poor output from a company that promises so much and then hides on the swings in the girls' playground."

Ostensibly Aubergine

Marvel Comics, reeling from the threat of SpazCom and the resurgence of DC since the launch of Superman: Man of Porn, are releasing 72 new titles in June alone, increasing the company's monthly output to over 3211 comics and graphic novels. Marvel man Mark Munro said, "It's important that we continue to throw enough shit at the fan to make the fan's existence eligible. June is always an important month because comic fans have to hide away from the sun for longer and that causes friction with manufacturers of bathroom sponges and that's something we really don't really want to really happen, really." When asked just what the fuck he was going on about, he shrugged and took a revolver to his self and shot his self in the ear lobe.

The real highlights of Marvel's new clunge of titles include Goliath: Unstoppable IBS, Yellowjacket: The Case of the Shrinking Penis, Ant Man: Inside Jan's Uterus, The Avengers: Multiple Personality Enema, Hank Pym: Death Ray Eater and My Orthopaedic Adventures on Ice.

Callisthenics and Wine

Brian Bolland's new comic lives in Basingstoke and is inked by a small gecko called Clive.

Majesty Intercepts Swinburne

Comics about shit have for a long time been regarded as works of high art and this is something us at NFEX will not dispute; so there was much trepidation at the release of the new IDW title My Shit and Its Adventures in Salisbury. About the complicated relationship between a schizophrenic artist, his almost always naked girlfriend, Zoe, and the very large kebab poo that the artist just cannot bare to part with. The real twist in this tale is the fact that Zoe is a lesbian, but she just likes to show her naked body off to men over 40.

Nex Tissue: Barely legal teens, pussy galore, mammoth glands, large labia, ugly South African women, bass, womb vibration, pustules, Morgan free man, buy one get one lame, my lung, your leg, its leprosy riddled politician and why Keith Giffen has taken to wearing luminous incontinence pants and has a hummingbird called Pete.

Your Glands Are Real

The Stamp of God

Alien shit eating monsters living in our colons and infesting the water supply with creatures that will ravage and eventually consume the entire planet. Not a comic book, but a reality. Watch your toilets!

Tubular Bells

Flangetastic Comics from Cleveland are being taken to court by just about everyone in the world after releasing nine new comics on the unsuspecting world, all of which are suspiciously in contravention with most laws. Comic store owners were greeted with a free box of Flangetastic product, including gold-plated versions of their premier books - The Fantastic Foreplay, The Amazing Spider-Crab-Man, The Avenge Turds, The Mighty Thor Cock, Newton Bromswold - Carbon-Neutral Twat, The Deafenders, Murphy Strange, Master of Mythic Farts and Slurpo, the Cunt with a Brain.

Gilbraith Winslow, the owner of Tight Pussy Comics in Burbank told us, "Some of this shit is not bad; I especially liked the Avenge Turds and The Deafenders, but stuff like the Mighty Thor Cock and Slurpo were pretty much derivative; a lot of this stuff reminded me of Alan Moore, naked in a bath tub."

Meredith Bandsleigh, the co-owner of Dowager Comics in Palm Springs claimed, "Many of these books are just pirated jpeg files with indifferent tags attached. I think the way their artists draw breasts is quite applaudable."

Ramsbottom Crooks of Ed's Comics & Sex Toys in Mansfield sent his message to us in semaphore, but essentially he thought he could make money from these comics especially if he can find people to buy them.

Fanny Murgatroyd, the cleaner and occasional provider of oral relief to her keepers reckoned the new books would appeal to young lesbians, farmers and people with IQs under 60. She then went onto explain to me why she suffers from almost constant moistness in her crotch area and claims that sometimes she can get so lubricated she can put her entire arm up her own vagina and can give herself multiple orgasms if she sits on swings.

Felix Bashing

Ed Brubaker is to write a comic based on guitar legend Eric Clapton. The 67 page graphic novel will be entitled Neglectful Baby Killer and will focus on the guitarists strange friendship with Phil Collins.

Boil in the Bag Carrots

Whatever happened to them? And why?

Slight Frames

Possibly the strangest new comic to emerge for years is the new Jim Starlin independently produced title Ganymede Trots, which is about a stomach virus that hits the crew of a long space journey to one of the moons of Saturn or Jupiter. The alien virus quadruples in size every time it comes into contact with anything and within a week the astronauts are trapped inside a spaceship literally full of shit. "It's something never done before in either comics or film, although I'm sure there was an obscure radio play on the same theme in the 1950s. The twist in this tale is that the virus is completely benign, it just smells really bad and won't flush away. There's a scene in it where the remaining astronauts have to shit into a tube connected to the rest of the spaceship and it gets blocked; the tension is similar to that of a really high profile course fishing competition." When asked if he was still taking drugs, Mr Starlin, 86, said it wasn't for him to speculate. "That's not really for me to speculate on," he said.

Pork Juice

The last time he was fined several thousands of US dollars, this time he faces being locked in a damp room for a week with David Duchovny.

Man the Ramparts

The Return of the Steel Anteater and the Nipple Eaters from another Galaxy is the new 4-part story arc for Daredevil and Superman as they continue their cross company team up thanks to Ann Nocenti and Frazier Hines.

Hunger Ford

Mainly because no one is buying it, Marvel has decided to cancel X-Men. The decision, taken after sales dropped from a high of 46,000,000 a month to less than 4, was unexpected, especially as Marvel intended to recruit Roy Thomas and Neal Adams (complete with two anuses) to draw the final ever ever issue. Obviously a lot of the previous sentence doesn't make sense, but this might be down to insufficient lime in the avocado dip.

Regal Stink

A page from Kevin Smith's award winning new Spider-Man series, obviously, the lettering needs redoing.

Next Time: there will be no more clams; bird song, beer curry, tamarinds - monkeys or fruit? Painful injections; stigmata tomato, plain or crinkle, vulvae, hairy clitoris, highly motivated hairy people; condroitin, Chelsea, Chinese Burns, mellow yellow, polyester cardigan, fringe benefits, septic tank, Korean flu, bridal path, a piano concerto for a rainy day, kid gloves, prancing merryfield, a fixation of lamb and thrifty two ways to milk bees. This and a bucket of lard.

A Right Royal Cockney Barrel of Monkeys, Guv'nor

Saltieri Was Wrong

Vietnamese comics artist Nibbish Twong has set a new world record for eating molluscs. Twong, 86, ate over 4000 in a new world record time of 11 minutes and 17 seconds. His mother was the first person onto the stage to congratulate him. His spectacle is to be adapted into a comic by Masamune Shirow.

Madagascan Horse Thieves

A new film is being made from bits of a comicbook that Randy Queen once drew. Money from the project will go to paying Queen's defence costs after he was accused of sucking shit from baby's anuses, while they were still alive.

Slapstick Durex

In a bizarre concept, a group of students from the University of Benfleet have assembled all 18 issues of the 1970s classic Human Fly comic, drawn by Lee Elias and written by someone and completely erased all the world balloons and replaced them with the actual speech recordings of people sitting in venereal disease waiting rooms in Romford, Essex.

Blind Melon Scam

The nominations for best comic of the year have been received at the offices of the Best Comic in the World Awards HQ in Poughkeepsie.

The nominations are as follows, in no particular order:

Los Escarabajos Comen Mis Ojos by Kramer T Igglestone Suarez III

The Gravity Well Woman Centre by Jon Ostrander and Kim DeMulder

O Surfista de Prata Contra os Zombis do Homem de Leite by Christian Ronaldo and Tim Sale

The Toilet Boys by Phil Jiminez

Women in Dirty Lingerie by Rom Lim and Paul Gulacy

Human Torch: Camp Fire by Dick Advocaat and Ty Templeton

Why Does it Look like a Lemon, Mummy by John Byrne

There are others nominated but a lot of them were in Chinese or Korean and I can't be sure if they're nominations or just takeaway orders.

Chunter Thighs

Despite the failure of both Basketball Comics and Lacrosse Comics, Marc Silvestri is persevering with his dream of producing a comic about sport that sells more than 14 copies. His latest effort is likely to be more successful than previous efforts. "We decided that team sports were not really a good subject for comics, despite the fact that superteams are. We had planned to do a comicbook adaptation of the 1977 Superbowl with yetis rather than footballers, but this was stopped by the FSC and we had to rethink. They felt it was besmirching the good name of something and asked us to do something less controversial; we decided on Fantasy Nude Gymnastics and let me tell you, I had to employ women to masturbate me furiously while drawing this comic, otherwise it would never have been produced because my enormous penis would have constantly got in the way of my drawing lung."

Silvestri has been drawing with his lungs since he lost the sensations in his fingers from excessive crack use.

Slight Mound

Jim Lee's family farm and petting zoo has been closed after allegations that the 86 year old former X-Men artist has been. A spokersperson for the local mayor's office said, "We have reason to believe that Lee has been making a profit from his petting zoo on the strength of his cannon of work, much of which, has been proved, was produced by a group of midget Spaniards chained inside a small boat of the coast of Guatemala. We cannot allow such a man to profit from a past that is highly questionable."

Lee's contribution was brought into question when a photograph surfaced of his molesting a goat and it was clear in the photo that someone or something had removed all the bones from his hands and that the procedure had been performed as early as the late 1980s. Doctor Mark Devereaux said, "if you look closely at the scarring on his hands in this grainy, poor quality video, you can see that his bones must'o been removed when he was about 30. The only way this man could draw anything using his hands would be if he nailed a pencil to his fingers, or put his hands in a deep freezer with a pencil attached using some vanilla icecream,"

Mrs Lee, who was wearing a burkha and some Doctor Martens boots, refused to comment and threw scalding hot tea over my cameraman.

Fond Dill

A massive amount of turkey fat has been collected to produce the world's first bastable comicbook.

What's Wrong?

Colleen Doran has admitted, on the even of her 50th birthday, that she still has a fantastic pair of tits and treating her body like a temple, only drinking lambs jizzum and only having sex with prepubescent girls has meant that she can parade her mammaries around with the youngest of girls and not feel self-conscious. "My tits are fabulous and I'm betting you'd love to see them, despite the fact that you have a highly dubious sexual nature," she said to me over lunch last week. "I have big brown nipples that real, heterosexual men, would love to suck; but the only person allowed to do that at the moment is Rachel. She's 11 and will soon start the bleeding, so she will have to die and a new one chosen from the village."

Doran recently was believed to have been involved in a sexual relationship with Stan Lee, which the creator of comics has always vigorously admitted and indications are that this might be the case after several drawings of her having sex with a prune surfaced on ebay. "He might have looked like a wrinkly old cunt, but it took him hours to reach an orgasm and when he did it was just powder; he's so dry and crusty."

Next time: radiant taste, hormone replacement, genital warts, Odo from Star Trek, tremendous bluffs, rancid raccoon, Polly Esther, A String Gent, semi Colin, Yoko Oh no, Stanley knife, cocks.

Welcome, Larry

Metamorphosis Oddity

John Paul Leon's new book is called Tracey's Black and it tells the story of a very fat Negro girl with terrible skin complaints, a bad attitude, a fishy odour and flat feet, who thinks she's a white girl and kills any one who doesn't believe her. The comic comes with scratch cards and a mouse.

Wretched Feet

Possibly due to the overwhelmingly hot winter, there has been a problem with the inks and therefore all of May's comics will be printed on glass.

Goliath Insinuates Loss

Roger Stern returns to comics with an unusual project; Man-Thing Liberates a Gay Prison is possibly semi-autobiographical or maybe not, we don't really want to speculate. "This is a book about empathy," said Stern from behind a steel cage, "therefore it was important that Man-Thing was in it. Man-Thing could be a metaphor, but if I had wanted to get deep, I would have called it Giant-Sized Man-Thing Liberates a Gay Prison on Ice wouldn't I?"

Stern is also producing a new line of Bolivian superhero comics, featuring heroes battling Chilean and Peruvian villains. "It'll be something different. I have this Bolivian girl whose power is to shit on people with projectile liquid shit that is both radioactive and acts as a love potion. Whoever gets infected falls in love but dies. The Bolivians are into this kind of thing, especially if it's their neighbours getting it in the balls." Stern has been made an admiral of the Bolivian navy.

Jam Rag Fuchsia

Tired of being told what to do by your parents? You can either live with it or buy Bryan Talbot's new graphic novel, I Killed My Parents But Failed to Dispose of The Body Sufficiently Well Enough to Keep the Local Law Enforcement Agency From Eventually Finding Me and Prosecuting Me, But I've Had Time to Look Back on My Errors and This is What I Should Have Done, is eight-pages of beautifully rendered work on the back of rare eagles wings and will retail for diamonds and emeralds.

Femi-Dom Soufflé

Luscious and still bursting with mammary goodness, that was how William Christopher described his 82 year old mother, last week at a vomitorium in Harrogate, East Yorkshire. The publisher has admitted that he has been breast feeding now for 44 years and his mother is still eager to provide him with her milky goodness, despite it now having to be scooped out and mixed with gin.

Previously on 24

Thanks to a scene in a recent Daredevil comic, 'foetus bashing' has become a reality. In Boisey, Texas, a 14 year-old boy was charged with offensive behaviour after he killed and ripped the unborn child from a young black woman and then proceeded to rein-act scenes from the 1977 Superbowl final. Police believe the boy might have been under the influence of Oprah and have arrested her.

Vague Trepanning

Bruce Wayne, who gave up the mantle of Batman several years ago to live in Cambodia with Michael Jackson, has asked DC Comics to stop printing made up stories about him now that it has finished adapting his memoirs. Wayne, said through an embassy worker, that DC had made enough money from his 80 odd year crime fighting career, but now it wasn't fair on comics fans to believe he was actually still out there fighting for them.

Still Grasp

A controversial Japanese book about nasal porn is being brought to the USA by a small man wearing a duffel coat; because he looks so ordinary, he believes he will pass through customs unmolested.

Bold Irony

Leopards have long been a necessity in the production of comicbook staples, but scientists believe that metal may well be a more ecologically friendly alternative. A spokesperson for the leopards declined to speak, but made general noises about a loss of privileges and the constant erosion of workers' rights.

No Insertion: pigs will, wood sherry, see weed, wobbly buttocks, baking hot, hairless prostate, prime optimus, orange beef, bored corrosion, ham string, pieces of ate, lime custard, vamp ire, Stan Dandy Liver, true life piercings, inflatable irons, domestic bliss, fail safe, Remington steel, barrow.

Tragos de Jesús en el pene de la señora de un granjero Boliviano del melón!

Cod Peace

Warmongering fascist bully boy John Ridgway has hit back at his critics for deciding to stand for the British Fascist Party at the next General Election. Ridgway, 86, is also running as Presidente of Paraguay as he holds dual nationality.

Of course, this was a little known fact until recently when it was revealed by Frank Hampson's widow, that Ridgway's mother was a Paraguayan prostitute who was brought to the UK by the embryonic foetus of Neil Gaiman that was time travelling through the continuum.

Llama Bile

After serving more than 5 years for the attempted strangulation of his neighbour's pet warthog, Steve Englehart returns to freedom at the weekend and hopes to spend part of the first week gaining inspiration for a new golf comic from the US Masters at Augusta in Georgia. This major tournament was moved to the former Soviet republic after fears that TigerWoods' penis would be trampled in the stampede.

Englehart, 86, believes his new golf comic, about a man who loses his golf ball inside Susan Richards will cash in on the current trends, or it won't.

Jewish Plot

Brazilian Mike Deodato Junior says he could never leave his native Brazil because the Brazilian girls, who all sport Brazilians, are far better than other women in the world, apart from maybe Mauritius. "I love the fat bottoms of our women," he said clutching his trousers. "I spent a while living in New York, but the women there all smelled of fish and had big mouths - this is okay for the blow jobs, but when you hear woman scream at you like fog horn and then get no sex and has skinny bottom, you say fuck it go back to Brazil."

Deodato, 86, was recently accused in a Brazilian court of tax evasion and kidnapping girls from the beach.

Fight Spade

Butch Guice.

Diamond White

Jim Steranko has been on Letterman talking about the problems of incontinence when you reach a certain age. Steranko, 86, has been shitting himself for years - literally and metaphorically, because as well as having slack anal muscles, he was the man who kidnapped the 13 year old girl that Roman Polanksi had sex with in the 1970s. This wasn't actually a known fact about Steranko until I just made it up. The FBI are now considering applying for an allotment.

Fragile Womb

After years of total obscurity, Todd McFarlane, 86, has returned to comics with Cum-Guzzler - the Midget Whore, which will be drawn by Greg Capullo and inked by Walt Simonson. This comic does not include Spawn or pictures of a vaguely Spider-Man like character. In fact, it tells the tale of the superhero who gets her powers from semen; the more man fat she guzzles, the stronger she gets. The only problem is she's a total munter and under 4 feet tall, so she tends to attract nothing but sicko perverts, who she discovers all have slightly tainted sperm, which leaves her vulnerable to her arch-nemesis Discharge Girl and her sidekick Oaf the Wombat.

11 Pustules

A new 7-part adaptation of the life of Christ in a totally post modern way is being released by Fantagraphics by that known insane fucker Dave Cooper. The first part examines how he came to be conceived with the theory being a horny angel and some rohypnol were to blame. The second part is from a Christ eye view of his birth, which was difficult for Mary, 86, as she was also delivering hand jobs to the 3 wise men to pay for the stable. The rest of the series follows Christ as he stumbles from one carry on to another, before ending up in Carry On Follow That Camel and killing himself.

Norbert Institution: big jobs, small tits, porn star pussies, bursting vulva, itchy crack, smelling salts and beer battered cod.