Porcelain Jam Salami

Elephant Jizzum Toast

One in 10 children thinks the Queen invented the Amazing Spider-Man, a survey of children's science knowledge suggests. Others gave credit for the character's invention to Charles Darwin, Elvis Presley and Noel Edmonds. One in 20 of the 1,000 pupils polled thought Star Wars' Luke Skywalker or Richard Branson had been the first to play the wallcrawler in a TV series. Some 60% of nine- and 10-year-olds thought Stan Lee discovered fire, the survey for a science campaign in Birmingham Alabama Science City found. Despite these misconceptions, more children want to win a Nobel prize for science than be in the X-Factor team. Many claiming that mutants are all smelly and eat smegma. The survey of primary and secondary school children in the UK suggests there is some confusion about key comics events and possibly the beginnings of worrying psychosis for young brats.

Oscillating Cryogenic Chambers

The deaths of 75 comic fans, which appeared to fall from the sky and smash into a driveway in Somerset has mystified the ComicBook Legal Defence Fund. The fans were spotted falling onto the entrance of a house in Coxley in Somerset on Sunday 7 March. Comics welfare officer Allessandro Sparketesi, who was called overweight by police, said: "It was a remarkable sight, I've never seen anything like it." There is no evidence the comics fans were ill or poisoned before they hit the ground.

Rapidograph Tongue Twister

Police in Colombia say they have found 16kg (35lb) of cocaine inside comics created by artist Mike Deodato Jr being shipped to Spain. The cocaine had been mixed into the ink of the comics as they were being printed, police said. No arrests were made during the operation. The comics were found in a Bogota warehouse ahead of shipment to Madrid. Colombia's cartels are using ever more sophisticated smuggling techniques as they target more European markets. Prices for cocaine are higher in Europe than the US and the chances of extradition much lower, say correspondents. "This is a sophisticated concealment system for the drugs to be shipped in comics by a renowned Brazilian artist," a police statement said.

Deodato Jr, 72, of Porto Allegre is believed to have locked himself in his house and is refusing to leave until he is given assurances that his life is in danger.

Lassie Version on Sale

Avi Arad, man best known for being a man who works a bit with Stan Lee at times, is to become a father at the age of 80. Arad's gay lover Dave Purbeck has had a foetus implanted in his anus and 9 months later a shit baby has been born; or it might have just been a really big poo.

Relocating in Qatar

The last time anyone saw his dad was when he fell out of the train one night when he was drunk. They were still cleaning vomit off the window at Christmas.

Encyclopedia of Desiree

The Justice League of America are going on tour to Azerbaijan and other countries beginning with the letter A, including Austria, Australia and Andorra, despite Monaco claiming the small European country is more of a principality rather than a proper country. Martian Manhunter speaking on behalf of the League said he really didn't care as long as they could shift a lot of units and make some money to finance a new headquarters after the last one was eaten by a giant toad.

Tape Worm

During a very long and enjoyable masturbation session with my dog and a young friend from the street adjacent to where I live, it dawned on me that I should be videoing this and selling it for money. However, I haven't got a video camera and Marc Silvestri doesn't draw fast enough.

Alsace and Lorraine

Angelic she might be but Sandra Bullock eats cat shit; apparently it helps keep her complexion from falling off. The 44 year old Oscar winner admitted that only cat shit that has been well oiled will do and she reminded everyone to wash under their foreskins, even the women.

Tricycle Envy

Acetic she might be but, Cameron Diaz drinks cat piss; apparently it helps keep her complexion from falling off. The 57 year old former porn hostess admitted that only cat piss that has been well folded will do.

Next Time: Are you Gay? Well there are two easy ways to find out and neither involve inflamed IBS; tendinitis of the liver; Plastic Oh No Bands; Walls have years; duff computers and sad wankers.