The Spoon in Your Slick Poon

Gloria danced naked in front of the angry dwarf. Gyrating her hips in his direction, all he could see was her mound of black pubic hair undulating towards him and he thought of nothing but being attacked by small furry creatures. "Get that fucking thing out of my face or I'll cut one of yer tits off," he growled, but Gloria just grabbed one of her enormous globes and made to cut it off in an imaginative sawing motion. "I mean it ya scabby whore. I'll watch you bleed to death and then shit on your lifeless corpse." This prompted Gloria to squat and gyrate her arse in the dwarf's direction before letting out a massive fart and depositing a loose stool on the bar.
"Eat that you fucking midget freak," she screamed at him before plunging her finger into his eye and piercing his brain with her sharpened finger nails. The dwarf, no longer angry, slumped back on his chair, while Gloria's finger came out of the extra large socket with an audible plop. The drawf's eyeball was wrapped around her knuckle. She chuckled and wandered off to the men's room.

Meanwhile, Jacob had been masturbating for almost an hour and the end of his penis had gone numb and he was convinced his right hand now belonged to someone else - it was the only way he could sustain his erection. He wished he hadn't punched the hypnotist in the face after he thought he'd been made to act like a donkey. this was his doing. it must be, it normally only took him 90 seconds to ejaculate.

While Jacob was fighting a losing battle to orgasm, his wife Julia was completely naked in a sauna with three pre-pubescent girls who were taking it in turns to insert their arms into her vagina. "Now make a fist," was the only thing she said. She made one of the girls bite her nipples, while another, grotesquely hairy boy flicked chocolate and hazelnut spread at her bare breasts. He mixed this sopread with his own phlegm, which he was coughing up faster than a rabbit down a hole. This just made Julia even happier and she orgasmed every seventeen seconds.

The sauna attendent, Colin Endersley, knew what was going on in the private sauna; he'd even filmed some of it in the past and sold it to paedos on the Internet, didn't think there was anything wrong with this bizarre menage of mystic sexual shenanigans; he just couldn't understand why it took place in a sauna.

The police officer who was about to bust Julia for perverse acts against children had his own secrets; he liked to shit in his wife's mouth, even if she wasn't that keen. He sometimes had to get his children to hold her down while he did it. He also liked to wipe his arse opn train seats. his partner, a 40 year old albino Albanian was actually a cross dresser who preferred to spend his weekends in a dog suit, barking at his 18 year old down syndrome suffering girlfriend who laughed with glede when he used to pee on the television.

Yes, this is the new project outline by Frank Miller's new 12 part mystery title called 42. The 80 year old comics legend claims it is based on the mystic writing of King Arthur who had a nightmare vision of a world in the future that existed and was full of weird and wonderful things, but not dragons. Miller was quick to point out that he didn't see any need to include dragons, or for that matter orcs. Miller now lives in a mental institution in Maine and is fed via an automated robot.

The Thing About Being Sick

Sally Mander

The hive on your face is driving me wild.
Brigitte can contort her body vividly.
Able bodied semen.
I can't see the dollhouse with all this noise going on.
It was your ass that burped.
Caution: men with torque.
Don't stray from the parmesan.
Auntie's wet trousers.
A pound of goose flesh.
The phlegm on your stick.
Dancing naked at Safeways.
Voles argue.
Up an aardvark's vaginal passage.
Coupled oddities.
The 'why I love America' tape.
Slurping the clam.
Le cinema mobile on doit salute.
Cranberries.
Near perfection.
I don't know what this is.
Jazz live in a house of love.
Just what is mononucleosis.
Stand by your grave.
Lake District mammaries.
Shit stained tea bags.
Hammer up your bottom.
Eight years and already experiencing erections.
Dripping feet.
Sticky fingers in plum puddings.
The last good measle.
Save me from the big fish.
I want to be a Hindu love god.
How many sausages up your bum.
Slim chance of biscuits.
Maths is a discipline not a toy.
The bag over your shoulder contains snails.
Windows are not a view.
The cracked path of your life is unrepairable.
Foxgloves and children.
Let sleeping buddhas lie.
Unforgiveable truths.
It wasn't Brad Pitt's penis.
Bitterly brutal with a hint of lemon.
Piss sandwich.
Nehwetam and the sex queue.
Asian boy blues.
Nigger in a jam jar.
Jesus ate my faeces.
The road to Frinton-on-sea.
Teleport me into your quim.
Speak the words of John Forsyth.
Can't get you out of my bed.
Solopsism isn't a cure.
Brittle excuses.
Ponytail heaven.
The red mullet starred in films.
Comic timing.
Pagoda of broken hips.
House with a naked Muslim.
Perry and cider are drunk by naked girls.
Simultaneously prostrate.
Guild of guilds.
Serious leanings.
The place to go is here.
The multipack is in the garden.
Eyedrops for the rich and famous.
Send me the heal of Adam Warren.
Make mine a bikini.
If I had to wear a bra it would be that one.
I've got sick in my hair again.
Can you not wipe your fingers on my face.
The taxi driver thought he was a cantalope.
If I was Superman I'd kill fags.
Nice weather we're hating.
Strange and possibly untrue.

Bake well tarts; come done, realistic pleasures, harmonious bequeaths and sherpa tensing rods.

I Laughed as I Ejaculated over Your Dead Child's Face

Ravenheat Flue Extension 1500mm

Over to Gloria Woo with this breaking story...

“Thanks Bob. We’re here in Arlingtonville, Missouri for the trial of Billy-Bob Strange of Flenge. Strange, as some of our viewers might be familiar, is the estranged cousin of the magician and sorcerer supreme, Stephen Strange. Billy-Bob is charged with the sex murders of eleven children and has already courted controversy for sending taunting tapes, letters and videos of himself describing what he did to the parents and family of all the murdered children. Curiously, all the videos the police received from him during his time on a killing spree also had long lengthy footage of blancmange setting, which Billy-Bob has never explained why.

“Strange purchased a two minute slot on an ultra-right wing neofascist group’s radio show and proceeded to describe to the parents’ of Nicola Poom how he had cybermodified his penis so that it had a little digger implement and how instead of just raping their daughter, he actually fucked her a new hole with the diamond tip of his remodified penis, he then asked if they could phone in their address so he could send them photos. Bob, you’ve certainly got to admire this sick puppy’s gall and audacity; in fact I want to scurry away somewhere and fiddle with myself just thinking about it.”

“I know what you mean, Gloria. I have someone giving me a blow job under the table. Here’s Dick with the weather.”

Statue on de Phone

Polythene is something fat girls should be wrapped in and thrown down mines.

Moxy’s Poxy

David Cameron, the director of Avator and Titanic is about to embark on a new career as a basking shark impersonator. Cameron, 53, told Angus Bloor, “It’s all about doing something different. People just associate me with lesbianism and nothing else, so I’m having to think outside the box.”

Silver Toilet

... sorry ...

Silver To Let

World Spangle champion, Roy Thomas, has revealed exclusively to us that he has grown some of the hair under his arm back. Thomas, 70, grew alarmed in his forties when all of his underarm hair fell out, but it seems it’s growing back after a 25 year break.

Handsome Girly

Moss Isley, the only remaining living member of the Isley Brothers, but never actually played with the band is suing George Lucas for a lot of money.

Macaroon Madness

The Pink Hulk gets involved in more homosexual shenanigans in a new sexually explicit graphic novel from Disney’s new Hard Cock imprint. The brainless queen of thump gets caught drying humping a tank by the local gay club who need an extra member to join their glee club and all kinds of spunky mayhem ensues!

Bolivian Horse Meet

Data’s positronic brain has gone on show at the Science and Technology Tower in Metropolis.

Candid Flotsam

I just don’t get my best ideas sitting here, I get my best ideas in the kitchen when I’m dancing around and generally getting into that grove thang that always red lines because thang isn’t a fucking word in the world of bill fuck me Gates and his iron lung wearing sheep dog with the truffle seeking nose and the officer Dibble smile; I bet you hate yourself in the morning after sleeping with that cod and forcing it to felate you while you read the Times and drink dry martinis. The world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around a 14 year old Ukrainian girl called Anya who is being forced to have sex with a horse everyday to satisfy the needs of an aging oligarch who can no longer have sex with anything but the animatronic hand of a monkey, but this man’s helper is married to a woman who knows a man who can literally lick his own eyebrows with his tongue, apparently its a rare condition where your tongue is actually six times longer than it should be and also pokes out of your bottom if you strain too hard while having a shit, which, I firmly believe is only half true and my boyfriend Andy believes is irresistibly cute, a bit like Bambi who, of course, watched his mother get murdered by carnivorous cartoon characters.

Notre Timos: poison Ivy, Lord Lou Can, Cor Stick Soda, Russ Tic Seen, Pick Arse Hole the Famous Artist, Minge Baiting, Si Lent, But Dead, Lee, All a Huskey Needs is Mush Room, Leg Inns, Leg Ends, Jesu Swept, Buckets of Lard.

Dance on My Bell End

We interrupt this programme to bring you an important announcement. Stan Lee has died and here's what some people have said:

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. Sharp, Penrith.

"Once again DC is not upset enough for my liking, the company should have a bit more compassion, how would they have felt if it was someone's mother?"
S. Waugh, Richmond.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until Stan is buried"
J. Boorman, Derbyshire.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Then the Queen Mum went and it was worse. This news is so bad, I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably one day".
G.Paltrow, Hendon.

"He was one of the old school, all the remaining people are shit"
C.Claremont. Kissimmee.

"I thought he would never die, he has let us all down very badly"
S.Holmes, Somerset House.

"He was a trooper and he never gave up. I remember one time he was visiting a school and I asked him if he would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before he left. 'No' he replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how he was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. He pissed himself later though, it was sickening".
4. Skin, North Yorkshire.

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a comic book company employee without being accused of being homosexual".
E. John, High Wycombe.

"His death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".

E. Piaf, Cheshire.

"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.

"I am sure Mrs Stan Lee will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
G. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Jack Kirby in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
Emma Thompson, West Lothian.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past his coffin."
R. Thomas, Bath.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as a tsunami".
N.Adams, West Virginia, mountain mama.

"He was one of us, and by that I don't mean he perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. He was like us in a good way. God bless you Stan - the man!"
Peter "Robocop" Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
B. Hitch, Cowdenbeath.

"He had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round he is given a life of privilege and comfort"
T.S. Elliott, Hastings.

"Perhaps if we automated his old golf buggy it could still drive around New York on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
J. Quesada, Newark.

Lee was born Ernesto Massivoballs in 1900 shortly after the industrial revolution and just before Hitler died. Joe Hitler, Adolf's great grandfather was a watch maker in Boston, who emigrated to Austria because of a family problem involving baby donkeys and sheep oil. After moving somewhere, he stopped feeding the birds and worked there for ages. The end.