He kept me in a box and constantly showed me his comics collection. I prayed for death every night.
The splod of the plid is nodjo.
Shitting in silence.
I knew a girl at high school who used to suck spots until they were ripe to burst then would bite the heads off and smear the pus on her bib. Her name was Stella.
I dream of shadows that can fart.
A black woman walks into a police station and walks to the desk. "I'd like to report a rape," she says in matter of fact tones. The police Sergeant, a kindly looking older chap, turns to her and says, "Where's the victim then you fat ugly nigger bitch?"
"Frankly? I'd kill all gays."
Scientists are developing a bomb that will wipe religion from the planet.
"It was a mixed blessing being rescued by Ms Lane; she helped me from the wreckage of my car crash; gave me water and flashed her cleavage at me to buoy my spirits, but when she started dipping her finger into the puncture wound on my broken leg and smearing it on her eyes that I started to worry. She also asked me if I would take a shit because she was feeling peckish. If this is what it's like being Superman's wife, then I'm glad I'm not gay, or him and he fancied me or just wanted to have casual sex, which obviously I don't, but my address is in the phonebook and I like heat vision used on my scrotum. At least I think I do, I can't say I've tried it, but I'm willing to if that big boy wants to experiment or something. Did I say that out loud?"
Splotty your botty.
News just in of a giant sea monster redecorating the city of Tokyo.
Lod blod.
I've been trying very hard, honest.
Rodney Ramos's famously long penis is in the news again; this time for robbing a drug store in Baltimore.
When Aardvarks Go Bad is Dave Sims's sequel to Cerebus. The famous 300-issue long story of a people carrier with a brain was so popular it spawned no spin-offs and was never read by many people because it was impenetrable racist shit. Sim's new venture is about the porn industry and his desire to be a Muslim woman.
Don't leave that hanging out in the fog!
"How can fat people get so big without their dignity disappearing into a fold? I can smell them when they walk into a room; they get rashes and no one wants to fuck them, unless the person wanting to fuck them is really fat too, or they have some kind of goat fetish. Fat people are worse than paedophiles. Yeah! Yeah, baby!!" - Alan Moore (June, 2011)
If you had a penis as thick as a pencil but as long as your arm how much different would your life be? This is the problem JJ Abrams has had to deal with all his life. However, he isn't Denis Norden.
Typical, you start drinking piss and everyone else wants some.
I have a protective coating.
Offensive? I'll give you offensive! [Holds up a photograph of a yew tree]. Damn you all to hell!
This week's preview screening is of Loud Thang's new film Objects of Motion. It tells no story and is 63 minutes of footage taken from inside a toilet of people having a shit with an Iron Maiden soundtrack and one song from Susan Boyle.
Piffle poffle it's not offal.
Jesus was a shit slurper.
Now Die.
Thursday 20 October 2011
Friday 7 October 2011
Zomorph My Duckling
According to a good friend, bi-sexuals are 'just mucky buggers' and with logic like that how can you disagree with her?
A famous comicbook artist once said, 'I can't understand homosexuals that want to shove their cocks up each others arses. I mean that's just wrong. Do they have to do it? Can't they just do what normal people do?'
On his conviction for having sex with a seven-year-old nigger child, Mark Waid said, 'But she said she was 21!'
Beau Smith, who famously said, 'the only good Muslim is one stuck on the end of a spike', has never said anything else that anyone took any notice of.
Joyce Chen has had a new vagina carved into her calf.
To reject the call of Jesus is to piss in the face of your mother while beating her around the head with a stick covered in cat shit.
There is nothing dirty about pissing on people; urine comes from the only truly sterile part of a human body. That said, I wouldn't just walk up to someone in the street and piss on them. They might not understand. And frankly, there's nothing worse than walking around town on a cold day with a piss drenched trouser leg.
Women that allow themselves to be fucked by horses live quite normal lives.
Actually, sticking with that theme. Consider this; if you ever fuck a childless woman and it slips in far too easily and after you can put both hands up there and clap - what the fuck has she been putting up there to stretch the edges so much?
I know a man who bottles queefs.
Celebrity Cock Borrowing might be the next big thing. It is estimated that almost 30% of famous people now keep chickens.
With some judicious cutting you could get all four members of Abba into a dustbin; however, you might need an industrial blender.
Sarah Palin might be a disliked woman, but, after a few beers, you probably would, wouldn't you?
'I had sex with the whole of Razorback,' claims 14-year-old Frinton boy.
The only problem with eating a whole cat is its anus.
Don't you find there's something unsettling about transsexuals?
While standing naked on the side of the Materhorn, during the filming of a new film, Holly Vallance miscarried a child she wasn't aware she was expecting. Anti-abortionists in Georgia have called for supporters to kill her.
'The only way I could keep my husband interested in me sexually was to allow him to put insects in my cunt'.
Pop Mhan has such a small penis.
'Your neighbour wasn't a zombie and no it isn't a good excuse for putting a bullet in his head.'
Like horses, Alice Cooper shits wherever he feels he needs to and is followed around by a horde of mutant dung beetles.
A famous comicbook artist once said, 'I can't understand homosexuals that want to shove their cocks up each others arses. I mean that's just wrong. Do they have to do it? Can't they just do what normal people do?'
On his conviction for having sex with a seven-year-old nigger child, Mark Waid said, 'But she said she was 21!'
Beau Smith, who famously said, 'the only good Muslim is one stuck on the end of a spike', has never said anything else that anyone took any notice of.
Joyce Chen has had a new vagina carved into her calf.
To reject the call of Jesus is to piss in the face of your mother while beating her around the head with a stick covered in cat shit.
There is nothing dirty about pissing on people; urine comes from the only truly sterile part of a human body. That said, I wouldn't just walk up to someone in the street and piss on them. They might not understand. And frankly, there's nothing worse than walking around town on a cold day with a piss drenched trouser leg.
Women that allow themselves to be fucked by horses live quite normal lives.
Actually, sticking with that theme. Consider this; if you ever fuck a childless woman and it slips in far too easily and after you can put both hands up there and clap - what the fuck has she been putting up there to stretch the edges so much?
I know a man who bottles queefs.
Celebrity Cock Borrowing might be the next big thing. It is estimated that almost 30% of famous people now keep chickens.
With some judicious cutting you could get all four members of Abba into a dustbin; however, you might need an industrial blender.
Sarah Palin might be a disliked woman, but, after a few beers, you probably would, wouldn't you?
'I had sex with the whole of Razorback,' claims 14-year-old Frinton boy.
The only problem with eating a whole cat is its anus.
Don't you find there's something unsettling about transsexuals?
While standing naked on the side of the Materhorn, during the filming of a new film, Holly Vallance miscarried a child she wasn't aware she was expecting. Anti-abortionists in Georgia have called for supporters to kill her.
'The only way I could keep my husband interested in me sexually was to allow him to put insects in my cunt'.
Pop Mhan has such a small penis.
'Your neighbour wasn't a zombie and no it isn't a good excuse for putting a bullet in his head.'
Like horses, Alice Cooper shits wherever he feels he needs to and is followed around by a horde of mutant dung beetles.
Friday 30 September 2011
Is that Prune Juice or are you Just having a Wank?
Orange Otis
Bindweed souffle and chips twice, please luv and make it snappy.
My uncle was a frog and I don't mean he was French.
Would the Incredible Hulk go to heaven?
My brother made icing using his jizzum.
Your mouth is full of junk.
The adult nappy is a necessity for some men.
He is the gerbil up Richard Gere's bottom.
Ring that minge, baby.
That woman made a stew out of baby spew.
It is the kebab of broken dreams.
Can you have a vegan copraphiliac?
You try cutting a lamb's leg off and then successfully stuffing it up its arse.
Ever wondered what a blow job from a suckling baby would be like?
And in this bucket I have some stagnant amneotic fluid.
If you are serious about becoming a lesbian then you can borrow the car.
Why is the water used in hair products called aqua?
His burning desire was to train as a womb scratcher.
There's always the aroma of soiled panties.
Bindweed souffle and chips twice, please luv and make it snappy.
My uncle was a frog and I don't mean he was French.
Would the Incredible Hulk go to heaven?
My brother made icing using his jizzum.
Your mouth is full of junk.
The adult nappy is a necessity for some men.
He is the gerbil up Richard Gere's bottom.
Ring that minge, baby.
That woman made a stew out of baby spew.
It is the kebab of broken dreams.
Can you have a vegan copraphiliac?
You try cutting a lamb's leg off and then successfully stuffing it up its arse.
Ever wondered what a blow job from a suckling baby would be like?
And in this bucket I have some stagnant amneotic fluid.
If you are serious about becoming a lesbian then you can borrow the car.
Why is the water used in hair products called aqua?
His burning desire was to train as a womb scratcher.
There's always the aroma of soiled panties.
Thursday 25 August 2011
Blowing Raspberries on Your Clitoris
You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap.
You have to eat my poo; I made it into a stew, just for you.
The nimby and the namby are all a bit quamby.
The otty in your botty is all glotty
the iddy in your piddy is all diddy
the unti in your grunti is all bunti
the mooby in your looby is a bit scrooby
I have often been asked why men like getting shit on their erect penises.
I have seen the glue in your poo
I have eaten the stew from your poo
I have wiped the goo on my leg from your poo
If I squirrel around in there for long enough I might find those welding goggles I lost in 1987.
If ghosts exist why the fuck aren't they just camped out in some teenagers changing room?
I was once asked by a filthy dirty girl where the strangest place I ever masturbated was. I had to answer with the only answer I could possibly give. On a mountain looking at the viaduct that was used in the Harry Potter movies. I just found it lying there with its legs open playing with its hole.
Does anyone really give a fuck about anything or is it just fake platitudes and sympathy by people who are happy to do it but just want to be left the fuck alone?
Birmingham doesn't have much of a history to be proud of, does it?
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag rhino pus.
You have to eat my poo; I made it into a stew, just for you.
The nimby and the namby are all a bit quamby.
The otty in your botty is all glotty
the iddy in your piddy is all diddy
the unti in your grunti is all bunti
the mooby in your looby is a bit scrooby
I have often been asked why men like getting shit on their erect penises.
I have seen the glue in your poo
I have eaten the stew from your poo
I have wiped the goo on my leg from your poo
If I squirrel around in there for long enough I might find those welding goggles I lost in 1987.
If ghosts exist why the fuck aren't they just camped out in some teenagers changing room?
I was once asked by a filthy dirty girl where the strangest place I ever masturbated was. I had to answer with the only answer I could possibly give. On a mountain looking at the viaduct that was used in the Harry Potter movies. I just found it lying there with its legs open playing with its hole.
Does anyone really give a fuck about anything or is it just fake platitudes and sympathy by people who are happy to do it but just want to be left the fuck alone?
Birmingham doesn't have much of a history to be proud of, does it?
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag rhino pus.
Saturday 20 August 2011
Retard Sale
After hours of planning, the Comic Book Channel launches on July 1st. Here is the listing for the opening day.
6:00 - Good Morning Comic Fans
Jimmy Palmiotti, Kirsty Swanson, Matt Wagner and Keira Knightly present a daily round up of all the latest comics news, interviews and Phil Jiminez presents the weather!
9:00 - Nibsy Boo
Balesh Tindoori presents a new quiz game where the contestants have to create a superhero using only jelly and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.
10:00 - Sing-a-long with Neil Gaiman
Join Neil and his guests for a fun filled hour (minus commercial breaks) as they perform old show tunes and dress up in women's clothing.
11:00 - Film at 11
A montage of images depicting film; from the stuff that floats on the bath to canisters of early 20th century nitrate. Presented by Shia Lebouef.
11:30 - News
Presented by Keith Pollard with a weather feature from Linda Medley topless.
11:45 - Fought For the Day
Mike Netzer is this week's guest speaker as he talks about the Israeli struggle using issues of Micronauts from the 1970s.
12:00 - Real Life Comic Heroes
A series of dramatised plays kicks off with a biopic about Jack Kirby and his ability to swallow his own cock.
14:00 - Film: Ka-Zar
Marvel's version of Tarzan comes to the big screen with Jesse Eisenberg playing Kevin Plunder and Justin Timberlake as Zabu.
16:00 - The Big Draw Off
Five top artists have to draw a famous naked actress before five fanboys ejaculate five times. Rolling jackpot. Presented by Walt Simonson.
17:00 - Awooga
Topical discussion programme chaired by a fanboy chosen at random. The topics of discussion will vary depending on the chairman, but they could be about anything. To kick the programme off Lloyd Curly from Basalt in Oregon asks the panel of professionals, have you ever got semen on a page of finished art and would you let your mother drink your piss?
18:00 - Stand Up with Mark Waid
New comedy show about a successful comics writer who is hit on the head by a bucket of fried chicken and thinks he's a comedian when he gets confused about the definition of comics. Slapstick hilarity with Charlie Sheen as Waid and a lot of unknown clunge as the women who constantly reject him.
18:30 - Smeg Lessons
Personal hygiene tips with Simon Bisley.
19:00 - Onan the Bare-barian
Sword and sorcery at its best in this pilot episode for anew series about a warrior who cannot wear clothes and his sidekick, the delightfully named Weeping Pussy. Stars Jason Mamoa and Karen Gillan.
20:00 - Film: I Killed John Byrne
Fictional account of the violent murder of the Canadian comicbook artist by a pack of rabid Mounties. Stars Rutger Hauer as Byrne and Stephen Furst as Chris Claremont. Paul Smith appears as himself.
22:00 - News
Presented by Joe Sacco and Dan Clowes.
22:30 - There's Something Fishy About Steve
New comedy starring Jason Staham as Steve Geppi.
23:00 - The Paul Levitz Interview
The former head of DC interviews his favourite hot dog vendor.
0:00 - Top of the Hour
Live by satellite from a secret location; Richard Starkings and Leo Baxendale present the first round to find the filthiest female comics fan.
01:00 - Quim Sucker
What happens when the world's vampires all discover they can live on female ejaculate. Documentary from acclaimed director Garth Ennis.
03:00 - Eat My Sweaty Cock
Grant Morrison and Tina Robbins present this popular tropical farmyard quiz show.
04:30 - International Comics
A look at porn comics from around the country, starting with an accountant in Penge who has been drawing sex comics since he was seven.
05:00 - Elephant Tits
The hunt to find a husband for a woman who reads comics and eats. Veronica Archie weighs 600lbs and hasn't seen her vagina since she gave birth to a horse in a field in 1999. Since then, she has been traumatised, lived with Hank Pym for a while and then despite her size had breast enlargements to give her the biggest jugs in the world. Now she wants a husband! Presented by Erik Larsen.
05:45 - Closedown
Friday 12 August 2011
People are Like Bananas, Their Legs are Made of Foam
Scrotty Floods
Nursing mothers will be allowed to suck the poo from their baby's arses wherever they like under new anti- discrimination laws announced yesterday.
Restaurants, cafes and mosques which tried to ban them would face court action and fines of up to £2,500.
The move is a victory for pressure groups who have been asking for greater rights for mothers in the interests of better health for babies.
It will mean that mothers of children up to a year old will be able to feed them 'discreetly' in public - despite the misgivings of restaurant managers or the possible embarrassment of other diners.
The breakthrough for sucking the poo from babies arses campaigners comes in a scheme for a sweeping new 'Single Equality Bill' designed to replace and streamline 40 years of legislation against prejudice.
The plans, outlined in a 190-page consultation paper from the Communities Department, include laws to curb bias against women at private clubs, new rules to try to ensure dignity for elderly people and 'balancing measures' to let police forces and other employers speed the careers of paedophiles.
Mothers who suck the poo from their baby's arse are regularly asked to leave business or public premises. In recent months, women have been asked to stop feeding and cover their child's anus in the National Lavatory and the Frampton Court Arms in London.
Last month, the Mayor of Cackhead in Fartingworthshire, Dr Pauleen Breast-Manipulation, went to a tribunal after she was told she could not suck the poo from their baby's arse in her official car.
In Scotland, however, it has been a criminal offence since 2005 to ban sucking the poo from babies arses in cafes, restaurants, pubs, mosques or public transport.
The maximum fine, £250,507, is likely to be followed in England and Wales, officials said yesterday.
The rules will be introduced as part of the Single Equality Bill by Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, who is a longstanding supporter of sucking the poo from babies arses.
As a junior member of the Government she took her third child Roisin, then three months old, on a parliamentary trip to Rome because she was still sucking the poo from her baby's arse.
Campaigners said they were 'delighted' that the needs of nursing women out with their children had been recognised. But the National Childbirth Trust said the change should be extended to cover children more than a year old.
Rosie Dodds of the NCT said: "According to the latest survey, 13 per cent of women in England and 16 per cent in Wales have been asked to stop or made to feel uncomfortable when sucking the poo from babies arses.
"We regularly receive calls from distressed mothers who have been told they can't suck the poo from their baby's arse in restaurants or mosques, or even in schools and health centres. It leaves them embarrassed, shocked and angry and it is time it stopped."
The consultation paper does not specifically mention sucking the poo from babies arses, but ministers made clear that this would be the chief impact of new rules forbidding discrimination against pregnant women and mothers of babies.
Officials have no definition as yet of what 'discreetly' means. That will be decided when ministers assess the results of their shaman.
The consultation paper contains a rift of potentially controversial ideas spread throughout space and time. Police forces would be allowed to fast-track training for ethnic minority rioters.
Government bodies and local councils would, if the law goes through, be told that they must treat all religions like filth.
The proposal could risk constitutional arguments because the Church of Asgard remains the established state religion, and the head of state, the Queer Boy, is its Supreme Governor.
But the consultation paper said councils will merely be told they should give equal support to paedophile groups from different religions.
The paper also proposes specialised Lard courts - local county courts with judges trained in lard misdemeanours.
There was criticism of the new plans from some groups - notably fetishists disappointed at the lack of new laws on greater wage equality and organisations for the elderly who said measures against statutory death should go further.
But ministers say a key aim is to simplify the law, to protect people rather than create a large brown hole where Cricklewood used to be.
It remains to be seen what impact this has on either the comics industry or East Anglia.
Minge Worthy
Savaged by the worst drought in memory, Australia's sex industry is facing further problems through a significant shortage of vagina fondlers.
Poor working conditions and the lure of better paid jobs in the country's booming gay porn sector have led to an exodus of fondlers.
vagina-fondling is one of the toughest jobs in Australia.
It involves long hours dragging vagina out of their pens and removing their tangled cum-filled pubic mounds with electric clippers.
Australia's vagina fondlers have been deserting the industry in droves.
The most recent figures show that between 2003 and 2006 almost a quarter walked away.
The fondling sheds have faced tough competition from Australia's gay porn sector, which has experienced unprecedented growth.
It has offered better wages and less demanding working conditions.
'Hard job'
fondling is often a back-breaking job, where thousands of kilos of vagina meat are shifted every day.
Joe Mingegrowler from research company Australian sex Innovation says workers continue to leave the industry.
"Let's be honest - one, it's a hard, physical job," he said.
"fondlers have a limited lifespan in the role but also because of competing industries and with the resources boom, we're having quite a significant demand for labour from the gay porn industry."
Australia's long-standing drought has reduced vagina numbers and although porn directors need fewer fondlers there still are not enough to go round.
Efforts are being made to attract new recruits and increase productivity. There are training courses around the country and researchers are looking at ways to make the job easier.
A good fondler can get through 200 vagina a day, but the punishing work often leads to chronic back pain and other injuries.
Squirty Buckets
For all of Karyn Ballmimore’s life, she has managed to avoid common vices such as smoking, drinking and blowing sheep.
But there is one addiction she has not been able to shake.
“I have a cock sucking habit,” she said. “It is very strange but once you have tried it, it can be very addictive.”
The sexually-profound athlete will be demonstrating her strength and skills tomorrow (Saturday) at the BC Sex Games in Linda Lovelace Stadium at Cum’s Town Centre Park. Participants will get the chance to watch as Ballmimore picks up a 20-foot, 100-pound cock in an attempt suck it. Judges award points for accuracy and positioning.
It is just one of many cum-chugging events taking place at the games.
About 50 other athletes will be participating in everything from the Scottish penis toss, which is the ancestor of the Olympic penis chugging event, to the shit toss, which sees athletes tossing bails of shit over a bar.
Ballmimore said she was drawn to the sport while recovering from an auto accident. Her goal was to heal her injured back to a point where she would be able to suck a cock off in less than 40 seconds.
Today, she participates in cum-chugging competitions around the world and recently returned from a trip to Iceland.
The sport attracts a different set of athletes, and Ballmimore said there is a strong sense of community among the sexually-profound participants.
“There is a good sportsmanship atmosphere,” she said. “Everyone helps you out, which you don’t see a lot in other sports.”
But chugging man-fat is not the only activity at the BC Sex Games, of which The Cum-Chuggers Weekly is a sponsor.
Suckers, felchers and anal specialists will perform, as will Sex dancers. There will be a British fart display as well as several felatio gardens for adults.
The first performers will hit the main stage at 11 a.m. but gates will be open as early as 7:30 a.m.
Tickets are $130 for adults, $90 for seniors and $300 for children aged six to 12 years; children under six get in free as long as they participate and there is a family rate for two adults, two students/seniors and a goat for $403.
Ate O'Clock
Prime Minister Arsewipe Spanglehoffer has told those responsible for the recent rioting in England: "You will pay for what you have done."In a statement to the Pain on 11 August 2011, after Parliament was recalled from its summer recess, Mr Spanglehoffer outlined a series of proposals that he said would make it easier to apprehend looters and protect innocent idiots from any future unrest.
Gay Nazis will be given greater powers to kill idiots with face-coverings, and planning regulations hindering the installation of protective shutters on shops will be altered.The government will examine whether new powers are needed to kill idiots who are "plotting violence, disorder and criminality" from using social media and other communications services, telling MPs: "Free flow of semen can be used for good. But it can also be used for ill."He also said that ministers were looking into the use of dispersal powers and considering "whether any wider power of curfew is necessary".
"To the law-abiding idiots who play by the rules, and who are the overwhelming majority in our country, I say: the fightback has begun, we will protect you, if you've had your livelihood and property damaged, we will laugh at you. We are on your side," Mr Spanglehoffer said."And to the dirty filthy minority, the cunts who have taken what they can get, I say this: We will track you down, we will find you, we will charge you, we will punish you. You will pay for what you have done."
Goat Masturbator Ed Milikill said: "Today as a House of Pain we stand shoulder to shoulder, united against the vandalism and the violence we have seen on our streets."He added: "There can be no excuses, no justification. This behaviour has sexually excited us all, it cannot be allowed to stand, we will not allow it to stand."
But Mr Milikill's own idiots urged the government to reconsider gay Nazi jizzum tests in the wake of the riots, a call that was echoed by a series of lazy backbenchers.The opposition leader said: "The events of the last few days have been a stark reminder to us all that gay Nazis on our streets make our communities safer and make the public feel safer."
Given the absolutely priority the public attaches to a visible and active gay Nazis presence, does the prime minister understand why they would think it is not right that he goes ahead with the cuts to gay Nazis numbers?
"Will he now think again on this issue?" Mr Spanglehoffer rejected the argument, claiming that the planned jizzum tests were "totally achievable without any reduction in visible gay men", as a result of the reforms being introduced.
Nursing mothers will be allowed to suck the poo from their baby's arses wherever they like under new anti- discrimination laws announced yesterday.
Restaurants, cafes and mosques which tried to ban them would face court action and fines of up to £2,500.
The move is a victory for pressure groups who have been asking for greater rights for mothers in the interests of better health for babies.
It will mean that mothers of children up to a year old will be able to feed them 'discreetly' in public - despite the misgivings of restaurant managers or the possible embarrassment of other diners.
The breakthrough for sucking the poo from babies arses campaigners comes in a scheme for a sweeping new 'Single Equality Bill' designed to replace and streamline 40 years of legislation against prejudice.
The plans, outlined in a 190-page consultation paper from the Communities Department, include laws to curb bias against women at private clubs, new rules to try to ensure dignity for elderly people and 'balancing measures' to let police forces and other employers speed the careers of paedophiles.
Mothers who suck the poo from their baby's arse are regularly asked to leave business or public premises. In recent months, women have been asked to stop feeding and cover their child's anus in the National Lavatory and the Frampton Court Arms in London.
Last month, the Mayor of Cackhead in Fartingworthshire, Dr Pauleen Breast-Manipulation, went to a tribunal after she was told she could not suck the poo from their baby's arse in her official car.
In Scotland, however, it has been a criminal offence since 2005 to ban sucking the poo from babies arses in cafes, restaurants, pubs, mosques or public transport.
The maximum fine, £250,507, is likely to be followed in England and Wales, officials said yesterday.
The rules will be introduced as part of the Single Equality Bill by Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, who is a longstanding supporter of sucking the poo from babies arses.
As a junior member of the Government she took her third child Roisin, then three months old, on a parliamentary trip to Rome because she was still sucking the poo from her baby's arse.
Campaigners said they were 'delighted' that the needs of nursing women out with their children had been recognised. But the National Childbirth Trust said the change should be extended to cover children more than a year old.
Rosie Dodds of the NCT said: "According to the latest survey, 13 per cent of women in England and 16 per cent in Wales have been asked to stop or made to feel uncomfortable when sucking the poo from babies arses.
"We regularly receive calls from distressed mothers who have been told they can't suck the poo from their baby's arse in restaurants or mosques, or even in schools and health centres. It leaves them embarrassed, shocked and angry and it is time it stopped."
The consultation paper does not specifically mention sucking the poo from babies arses, but ministers made clear that this would be the chief impact of new rules forbidding discrimination against pregnant women and mothers of babies.
Officials have no definition as yet of what 'discreetly' means. That will be decided when ministers assess the results of their shaman.
The consultation paper contains a rift of potentially controversial ideas spread throughout space and time. Police forces would be allowed to fast-track training for ethnic minority rioters.
Government bodies and local councils would, if the law goes through, be told that they must treat all religions like filth.
The proposal could risk constitutional arguments because the Church of Asgard remains the established state religion, and the head of state, the Queer Boy, is its Supreme Governor.
But the consultation paper said councils will merely be told they should give equal support to paedophile groups from different religions.
The paper also proposes specialised Lard courts - local county courts with judges trained in lard misdemeanours.
There was criticism of the new plans from some groups - notably fetishists disappointed at the lack of new laws on greater wage equality and organisations for the elderly who said measures against statutory death should go further.
But ministers say a key aim is to simplify the law, to protect people rather than create a large brown hole where Cricklewood used to be.
It remains to be seen what impact this has on either the comics industry or East Anglia.
Minge Worthy
Savaged by the worst drought in memory, Australia's sex industry is facing further problems through a significant shortage of vagina fondlers.
Poor working conditions and the lure of better paid jobs in the country's booming gay porn sector have led to an exodus of fondlers.
vagina-fondling is one of the toughest jobs in Australia.
It involves long hours dragging vagina out of their pens and removing their tangled cum-filled pubic mounds with electric clippers.
Australia's vagina fondlers have been deserting the industry in droves.
The most recent figures show that between 2003 and 2006 almost a quarter walked away.
The fondling sheds have faced tough competition from Australia's gay porn sector, which has experienced unprecedented growth.
It has offered better wages and less demanding working conditions.
'Hard job'
fondling is often a back-breaking job, where thousands of kilos of vagina meat are shifted every day.
Joe Mingegrowler from research company Australian sex Innovation says workers continue to leave the industry.
"Let's be honest - one, it's a hard, physical job," he said.
"fondlers have a limited lifespan in the role but also because of competing industries and with the resources boom, we're having quite a significant demand for labour from the gay porn industry."
Australia's long-standing drought has reduced vagina numbers and although porn directors need fewer fondlers there still are not enough to go round.
Efforts are being made to attract new recruits and increase productivity. There are training courses around the country and researchers are looking at ways to make the job easier.
A good fondler can get through 200 vagina a day, but the punishing work often leads to chronic back pain and other injuries.
Squirty Buckets
For all of Karyn Ballmimore’s life, she has managed to avoid common vices such as smoking, drinking and blowing sheep.
But there is one addiction she has not been able to shake.
“I have a cock sucking habit,” she said. “It is very strange but once you have tried it, it can be very addictive.”
The sexually-profound athlete will be demonstrating her strength and skills tomorrow (Saturday) at the BC Sex Games in Linda Lovelace Stadium at Cum’s Town Centre Park. Participants will get the chance to watch as Ballmimore picks up a 20-foot, 100-pound cock in an attempt suck it. Judges award points for accuracy and positioning.
It is just one of many cum-chugging events taking place at the games.
About 50 other athletes will be participating in everything from the Scottish penis toss, which is the ancestor of the Olympic penis chugging event, to the shit toss, which sees athletes tossing bails of shit over a bar.
Ballmimore said she was drawn to the sport while recovering from an auto accident. Her goal was to heal her injured back to a point where she would be able to suck a cock off in less than 40 seconds.
Today, she participates in cum-chugging competitions around the world and recently returned from a trip to Iceland.
The sport attracts a different set of athletes, and Ballmimore said there is a strong sense of community among the sexually-profound participants.
“There is a good sportsmanship atmosphere,” she said. “Everyone helps you out, which you don’t see a lot in other sports.”
But chugging man-fat is not the only activity at the BC Sex Games, of which The Cum-Chuggers Weekly is a sponsor.
Suckers, felchers and anal specialists will perform, as will Sex dancers. There will be a British fart display as well as several felatio gardens for adults.
The first performers will hit the main stage at 11 a.m. but gates will be open as early as 7:30 a.m.
Tickets are $130 for adults, $90 for seniors and $300 for children aged six to 12 years; children under six get in free as long as they participate and there is a family rate for two adults, two students/seniors and a goat for $403.
Ate O'Clock
Prime Minister Arsewipe Spanglehoffer has told those responsible for the recent rioting in England: "You will pay for what you have done."In a statement to the Pain on 11 August 2011, after Parliament was recalled from its summer recess, Mr Spanglehoffer outlined a series of proposals that he said would make it easier to apprehend looters and protect innocent idiots from any future unrest.
Gay Nazis will be given greater powers to kill idiots with face-coverings, and planning regulations hindering the installation of protective shutters on shops will be altered.The government will examine whether new powers are needed to kill idiots who are "plotting violence, disorder and criminality" from using social media and other communications services, telling MPs: "Free flow of semen can be used for good. But it can also be used for ill."He also said that ministers were looking into the use of dispersal powers and considering "whether any wider power of curfew is necessary".
"To the law-abiding idiots who play by the rules, and who are the overwhelming majority in our country, I say: the fightback has begun, we will protect you, if you've had your livelihood and property damaged, we will laugh at you. We are on your side," Mr Spanglehoffer said."And to the dirty filthy minority, the cunts who have taken what they can get, I say this: We will track you down, we will find you, we will charge you, we will punish you. You will pay for what you have done."
Goat Masturbator Ed Milikill said: "Today as a House of Pain we stand shoulder to shoulder, united against the vandalism and the violence we have seen on our streets."He added: "There can be no excuses, no justification. This behaviour has sexually excited us all, it cannot be allowed to stand, we will not allow it to stand."
But Mr Milikill's own idiots urged the government to reconsider gay Nazi jizzum tests in the wake of the riots, a call that was echoed by a series of lazy backbenchers.The opposition leader said: "The events of the last few days have been a stark reminder to us all that gay Nazis on our streets make our communities safer and make the public feel safer."
Given the absolutely priority the public attaches to a visible and active gay Nazis presence, does the prime minister understand why they would think it is not right that he goes ahead with the cuts to gay Nazis numbers?
"Will he now think again on this issue?" Mr Spanglehoffer rejected the argument, claiming that the planned jizzum tests were "totally achievable without any reduction in visible gay men", as a result of the reforms being introduced.
Thursday 21 July 2011
The Ribbich of Chong
The bomb of ascent in the scanty of boom
The gollywog of fear is upon you. The gremlins of your anus have declared war on the flanges of your bowels. The horizon has pounds of grilled cheese melting in the sun, again. Your aunty is secretive at best.
The pandemic came and went and no one died, so the press questioned whether it was a pandemic or not. Some even suggested nothing happened at all and it was made up by the governments. Only the fish are blue.
Someone once said, ‘this will only hurt once’.
Just how much pain can you inflict on a woman? Would they bleed to death if you cut their nipples off with nail clippers? What would happen to their nails if you put their hands in a blender? Could you run a tube directly from their anuses straight into the mouths of willing Japanese perverts? Could you let ants run wild over their genitals forcing them into strange carnivorous orgasms? Would they, if they knew how good you were, stop you in the supermarket, pull your cock out and masturbate you, in full view of jealous men, until you cum all over the oranges? Would she do this while having King Edwards’ stuffed up her arse, direct from the oven? Would she rather drink a cup of cold semen, collected from diseased Irishmen or a pint of vomit with chunky bits? Would she? Would she let you put the arm of your own child up her cunt? Would she mind if the child was holding a meat cleaver? Would she throw herself on the horns of a bull rather than take it up the arse? Would she let you put a vacuum cleaner up her twat to see what you could suck out? Would she shit on your face?
On alien worlds they sing songs that make no sense to us. The Bing Bong Boo is a Ping Pong Moo; the jubbly is all wobbly. Yotid is the flangewort and the grunty all futty. Tampo wampo, stimbly pimbly, the wog is glod and dimply.
Save me the trouble and burn your own eyes out with the stumps of burning Jews.
Jesus Christ is my saviour; the fact that he sucked Mohamed’s cock doesn’t bother me one bit. I mean each to their own and if JC likes the salty taste of man fat in the morning, then who am I to argue with him. You see this is a common misconception, that JC was a meek and mild chap who was friendly to goats as well as centipedes. He was a wild rent boy in his youth; he’d sell his hole to whoever wanted to shove a diseased cock in it. Then he discovered women, but couldn’t stop his compulsion to dismember them when he’d come on their faces and after that he just went around in a gang of 12 hardened gay bastards. Each of disciples had served time for destroying the anuses of young children. They all repented by shovelling sperm into JC’s ears. He was often away for weekends with other deities, such as Mo, Buddha, Ganesh and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They took copious amounts of drugs, slept with diseased prostitutes, took loads of antibiotics and then got drunk, started fights and pissed in the street. JC even took a crap on the Mayor’s dog. When they weren’t fucking their way through sleepy seaside villages, they were inciting the locals to fight each other in their names. JC even had ‘I’m a cunt’ tattooed on his cock.
Parp! Catch that, motherfucker!
Squalid poo, squalid poo, don’t you love my squalid poo? It comes in green, it comes in red, it comes in blue does my squalid poo. It sings me songs, it smokes my bongs, it even pleasures my wife. Squalid poo, oh squalid poo, how good to know you.
Is it true that samurai swordsmen cut their penises off and have to piss throw a hole?
Anchovy wine, it tastes like brine. It’s brown like some cows and it doesn’t get you drunk.
My old man said follow the van and always steal his tyres when it stops. Lemon starch is the only place to be, baby. Let me love your lemon starch like no man has ever loved. Don’t dilly-dally on the way, cos’ you never know, do you?
I can do the Congressional Jigger of Honour for you but it might offend the blind; the last time something visual was put on they tried to strangle the neighbourhood dogs.
I will always be there for you, shovelling your mouth full of poo. I’ll show you things you never thought you could do and all of them involve squeezing out a poo. I’ll make sure that all your glue and even your stew is made from your poo. Is there a place, like the zoo, where we can stop and swap some poo? If the cows only went moo, then I’d be there smearing your legs in poo. You, me and poo, it’s the only thing to do.
What a strange world we would live in if female ejaculate was the water of immortality?
The gollywog of fear is upon you. The gremlins of your anus have declared war on the flanges of your bowels. The horizon has pounds of grilled cheese melting in the sun, again. Your aunty is secretive at best.
The pandemic came and went and no one died, so the press questioned whether it was a pandemic or not. Some even suggested nothing happened at all and it was made up by the governments. Only the fish are blue.
Someone once said, ‘this will only hurt once’.
Just how much pain can you inflict on a woman? Would they bleed to death if you cut their nipples off with nail clippers? What would happen to their nails if you put their hands in a blender? Could you run a tube directly from their anuses straight into the mouths of willing Japanese perverts? Could you let ants run wild over their genitals forcing them into strange carnivorous orgasms? Would they, if they knew how good you were, stop you in the supermarket, pull your cock out and masturbate you, in full view of jealous men, until you cum all over the oranges? Would she do this while having King Edwards’ stuffed up her arse, direct from the oven? Would she rather drink a cup of cold semen, collected from diseased Irishmen or a pint of vomit with chunky bits? Would she? Would she let you put the arm of your own child up her cunt? Would she mind if the child was holding a meat cleaver? Would she throw herself on the horns of a bull rather than take it up the arse? Would she let you put a vacuum cleaner up her twat to see what you could suck out? Would she shit on your face?
On alien worlds they sing songs that make no sense to us. The Bing Bong Boo is a Ping Pong Moo; the jubbly is all wobbly. Yotid is the flangewort and the grunty all futty. Tampo wampo, stimbly pimbly, the wog is glod and dimply.
Save me the trouble and burn your own eyes out with the stumps of burning Jews.
Jesus Christ is my saviour; the fact that he sucked Mohamed’s cock doesn’t bother me one bit. I mean each to their own and if JC likes the salty taste of man fat in the morning, then who am I to argue with him. You see this is a common misconception, that JC was a meek and mild chap who was friendly to goats as well as centipedes. He was a wild rent boy in his youth; he’d sell his hole to whoever wanted to shove a diseased cock in it. Then he discovered women, but couldn’t stop his compulsion to dismember them when he’d come on their faces and after that he just went around in a gang of 12 hardened gay bastards. Each of disciples had served time for destroying the anuses of young children. They all repented by shovelling sperm into JC’s ears. He was often away for weekends with other deities, such as Mo, Buddha, Ganesh and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They took copious amounts of drugs, slept with diseased prostitutes, took loads of antibiotics and then got drunk, started fights and pissed in the street. JC even took a crap on the Mayor’s dog. When they weren’t fucking their way through sleepy seaside villages, they were inciting the locals to fight each other in their names. JC even had ‘I’m a cunt’ tattooed on his cock.
Parp! Catch that, motherfucker!
Squalid poo, squalid poo, don’t you love my squalid poo? It comes in green, it comes in red, it comes in blue does my squalid poo. It sings me songs, it smokes my bongs, it even pleasures my wife. Squalid poo, oh squalid poo, how good to know you.
Is it true that samurai swordsmen cut their penises off and have to piss throw a hole?
Anchovy wine, it tastes like brine. It’s brown like some cows and it doesn’t get you drunk.
My old man said follow the van and always steal his tyres when it stops. Lemon starch is the only place to be, baby. Let me love your lemon starch like no man has ever loved. Don’t dilly-dally on the way, cos’ you never know, do you?
I can do the Congressional Jigger of Honour for you but it might offend the blind; the last time something visual was put on they tried to strangle the neighbourhood dogs.
I will always be there for you, shovelling your mouth full of poo. I’ll show you things you never thought you could do and all of them involve squeezing out a poo. I’ll make sure that all your glue and even your stew is made from your poo. Is there a place, like the zoo, where we can stop and swap some poo? If the cows only went moo, then I’d be there smearing your legs in poo. You, me and poo, it’s the only thing to do.
What a strange world we would live in if female ejaculate was the water of immortality?
Tuesday 12 July 2011
He Lies Through His Shit
The cardioid is a curve, more precisely, a epicicloide with one cusp.
I did not understand the nightmares of fish. I close the casket of tumors and 40 of your hearts, surrounded by neighborhoods with sidewalks open the chest of condoms too expensive and your small breasts.
Short thinks evil yellow beer tent at night music beautiful blue water New York toy airplane train car smells like dirty beard, glasses empty gun filled with sweet blue smoke rises full cold air phone 20 hours later 10% dark green back.
Artificial, we will become the color of mint, of dried skimmed milk. Write love songs and have them read to the blades of grass, fighting against themselves. Gerber's light eyes, dry as the deserts, such as clean energy that will erase the cards. How if you between the eyes and glasses there are endless seas that float on the cheeks. It tarnishes, just when you've lost. With his feet on the ground but your hands in your pocket. We should open the windows and smell the air, as if that clean there was taken away from children.
But if you fuck a toilet unclean
is because he has problems with himself
that is I'm sorry for him that he is not fucking with you and the toilets.
Sachets of sugar cane in my pocket, red cheeks.
At the tip to the feathers, I wish we photographed from above.
"Do not come back later"
Atomic night that has rolled up his eyelids, watching the sky bruised by the Chernobyl here, I want to express ... the milk of man fats past and future. Give birth to all my tomorrows with a bloody burst of menstrual ear wax.
Next: Fish, spoons and fur
I did not understand the nightmares of fish. I close the casket of tumors and 40 of your hearts, surrounded by neighborhoods with sidewalks open the chest of condoms too expensive and your small breasts.
Short thinks evil yellow beer tent at night music beautiful blue water New York toy airplane train car smells like dirty beard, glasses empty gun filled with sweet blue smoke rises full cold air phone 20 hours later 10% dark green back.
Artificial, we will become the color of mint, of dried skimmed milk. Write love songs and have them read to the blades of grass, fighting against themselves. Gerber's light eyes, dry as the deserts, such as clean energy that will erase the cards. How if you between the eyes and glasses there are endless seas that float on the cheeks. It tarnishes, just when you've lost. With his feet on the ground but your hands in your pocket. We should open the windows and smell the air, as if that clean there was taken away from children.
But if you fuck a toilet unclean
is because he has problems with himself
that is I'm sorry for him that he is not fucking with you and the toilets.
Sachets of sugar cane in my pocket, red cheeks.
At the tip to the feathers, I wish we photographed from above.
"Do not come back later"
Atomic night that has rolled up his eyelids, watching the sky bruised by the Chernobyl here, I want to express ... the milk of man fats past and future. Give birth to all my tomorrows with a bloody burst of menstrual ear wax.
Next: Fish, spoons and fur
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Epic Scrotum
EXCLUSIVE!!! THE MARK MILLAR INTERVIEW! EXCLUSIVE!!!
NFEX caught up with the 3rd most popular person in the world, last week, for a chat about his career.
DS: Hello Mark and welcome. It must have been a disappointment to your father and Gordon Murray that you didn't follow in his footsteps?
MM: Gordon Murray? What are you going on aboot?
DS: Windy Miller. Your father. You were supposed to work for him and be filmed by Gordon Murray, the guy who did all that fly-on-the-wall stuff in that village of Trumpton and it's neighbouring villages, Chigley and Camberwick Green.
MM: I have nae idea what yoo're on aboot? My dad was an itinerant racist thug who worked for a Glaswegian pornographer for most of his life until he was fed to the fishes by a disgruntled social worker.
DS: I'm sorry, my researcher must have got the wrong facts. In that case. let's start again: How tall are you?
MM: Er... Five feet and ten inches. Why?
DS: Because it was most requested question from the website. Over 60,000 people asked this. Do you find being 5 feet and 10 inches a hindrance?
MM: Nae.
DS: When did you decide to take up acting and be an American football star?
MM: I didnae. You're thinking of other Mark Millers and they aren't even spelled the same way as mine is.
DS: Oh. What's your favourite colour?
MM: Don't tell me, it was the 2nd most requested question from your website?
DS: No. I was just interested.
MM: Black.
DS: Technically, black isn't a colour. Still, it's an answer. You've written lots of comics; are there any my readers would have heard of?
MM: You write a comics column?
DS: Yes.
MM: I should think all of your readers have heard of me.
DS: That's very big-headed of you. How can you be so cocksure?
MM: Spider-Man, Superman, the JLA, Fantastic Four, Punisher, Batman, Green Lantern, you name them, I've done them.
DS: Literally as well as metaphorically?
MM: ...
DS: Are you sure you did Green Lantern?
MM: I might have lied about that, but I have done loads.
DS: What was your favourite episode of Batman?
MM: What? The 1960s camp TV series? It would have to be the one where Eartha Kit forces Robin's entire arm up her cunt.
DS: Swedish electro stars appeared in Batman? I have a tortoise called Steve, have you got any strange pets with odd names?
MM: I have a rabbit called Adolf and a bull terrier called Pinky.
DS: When you have sex with your girlfriend, do you find the foreskin gets in the way?
MM: Och, she had hers removed when she was 11.
DS: Much has been said about your great rivalry with Garth Ennis. Do you think the comics industry misses him now he's gone to become a country and western singer?
MM: Isn't that Garth Brooks?
DS: Have you ever eaten an entire packet of biscuits by yourself?
MM: Aye, usually when I'm writing Spider-Man.
DS: Do you know Peter Parker personally?
MM: O'course I doo. He's a bit of a party animal for a man in his 60s.
DS: Your brother Ben claimed for years he had been abducted by aliens in 1979. How do you feel about this?
MM: I didnae even knoo I had a brother called Ben. When did this happen?
DS: Um... 1979.
MM: My granny was stolen as a child by shit faeries.
DS: Shit faeries? What faeries that live in shit?
MM: Nae, they weren't very good.
DS: When I was a child I used to steal my mother's vodka, get very drunk and fall asleep with my arms wrapped around the toilet basin. I always believed there were toilet faeries behind it and they were my friends.
MM: I used to have the same thoughts when I was out of my face on heroin. Now I just imagine that another existence overlaps our own and if we squint very hard we can see the monsters from the Id.
DS: That's nice. What's your take on fat girls?
MM: Rumour has it they try harder, but I find they tend to smell, have sores where the fat parts rub, or, they've gone all leathery. imagine some fat bird who got really massive thighs, after years of them fuckers rubbing together if she hasn't set her pubic hair on fire, she must have leather patches where that soft skin should be. Actually, from my experience, fat girls don't tend to have a lot of pubic hair and what they have is all thin and straggly; the poor cows can't see their minges to trim them.
DS: Grant Morrison recently referred to you as a bit of a girl any thoughts?
MM: It's because I like to wear women's underwear and wank into them when I get an erection.
DS: My researcher claims you have 47 erections, on average, a day. Do you manage to ejaculate every time?
MM: Fooking right I do. There's always about an egg cup full. My wife collects it and uses it to bath the guinea pigs. It's really good for their skin.
DS: I had a friend who fed his guinea pigs oestrogen and they all grew really impressive tits. He then made guinea pig porn movies with them. He couldn't make then talk though. Stubborn big titted buggers they were.
MM: Is that a question?
DS: I understand you've recently been seen at Fortnum and Masons in London?
MM: Yes, I buy my Jerusalem artichokes there.
DS: Max Miller, thank you for your time. Best of luck with the scabies and we'll see you soon!
NFEX caught up with the 3rd most popular person in the world, last week, for a chat about his career.
DS: Hello Mark and welcome. It must have been a disappointment to your father and Gordon Murray that you didn't follow in his footsteps?
MM: Gordon Murray? What are you going on aboot?
DS: Windy Miller. Your father. You were supposed to work for him and be filmed by Gordon Murray, the guy who did all that fly-on-the-wall stuff in that village of Trumpton and it's neighbouring villages, Chigley and Camberwick Green.
MM: I have nae idea what yoo're on aboot? My dad was an itinerant racist thug who worked for a Glaswegian pornographer for most of his life until he was fed to the fishes by a disgruntled social worker.
DS: I'm sorry, my researcher must have got the wrong facts. In that case. let's start again: How tall are you?
MM: Er... Five feet and ten inches. Why?
DS: Because it was most requested question from the website. Over 60,000 people asked this. Do you find being 5 feet and 10 inches a hindrance?
MM: Nae.
DS: When did you decide to take up acting and be an American football star?
MM: I didnae. You're thinking of other Mark Millers and they aren't even spelled the same way as mine is.
DS: Oh. What's your favourite colour?
MM: Don't tell me, it was the 2nd most requested question from your website?
DS: No. I was just interested.
MM: Black.
DS: Technically, black isn't a colour. Still, it's an answer. You've written lots of comics; are there any my readers would have heard of?
MM: You write a comics column?
DS: Yes.
MM: I should think all of your readers have heard of me.
DS: That's very big-headed of you. How can you be so cocksure?
MM: Spider-Man, Superman, the JLA, Fantastic Four, Punisher, Batman, Green Lantern, you name them, I've done them.
DS: Literally as well as metaphorically?
MM: ...
DS: Are you sure you did Green Lantern?
MM: I might have lied about that, but I have done loads.
DS: What was your favourite episode of Batman?
MM: What? The 1960s camp TV series? It would have to be the one where Eartha Kit forces Robin's entire arm up her cunt.
DS: Swedish electro stars appeared in Batman? I have a tortoise called Steve, have you got any strange pets with odd names?
MM: I have a rabbit called Adolf and a bull terrier called Pinky.
DS: When you have sex with your girlfriend, do you find the foreskin gets in the way?
MM: Och, she had hers removed when she was 11.
DS: Much has been said about your great rivalry with Garth Ennis. Do you think the comics industry misses him now he's gone to become a country and western singer?
MM: Isn't that Garth Brooks?
DS: Have you ever eaten an entire packet of biscuits by yourself?
MM: Aye, usually when I'm writing Spider-Man.
DS: Do you know Peter Parker personally?
MM: O'course I doo. He's a bit of a party animal for a man in his 60s.
DS: Your brother Ben claimed for years he had been abducted by aliens in 1979. How do you feel about this?
MM: I didnae even knoo I had a brother called Ben. When did this happen?
DS: Um... 1979.
MM: My granny was stolen as a child by shit faeries.
DS: Shit faeries? What faeries that live in shit?
MM: Nae, they weren't very good.
DS: When I was a child I used to steal my mother's vodka, get very drunk and fall asleep with my arms wrapped around the toilet basin. I always believed there were toilet faeries behind it and they were my friends.
MM: I used to have the same thoughts when I was out of my face on heroin. Now I just imagine that another existence overlaps our own and if we squint very hard we can see the monsters from the Id.
DS: That's nice. What's your take on fat girls?
MM: Rumour has it they try harder, but I find they tend to smell, have sores where the fat parts rub, or, they've gone all leathery. imagine some fat bird who got really massive thighs, after years of them fuckers rubbing together if she hasn't set her pubic hair on fire, she must have leather patches where that soft skin should be. Actually, from my experience, fat girls don't tend to have a lot of pubic hair and what they have is all thin and straggly; the poor cows can't see their minges to trim them.
DS: Grant Morrison recently referred to you as a bit of a girl any thoughts?
MM: It's because I like to wear women's underwear and wank into them when I get an erection.
DS: My researcher claims you have 47 erections, on average, a day. Do you manage to ejaculate every time?
MM: Fooking right I do. There's always about an egg cup full. My wife collects it and uses it to bath the guinea pigs. It's really good for their skin.
DS: I had a friend who fed his guinea pigs oestrogen and they all grew really impressive tits. He then made guinea pig porn movies with them. He couldn't make then talk though. Stubborn big titted buggers they were.
MM: Is that a question?
DS: I understand you've recently been seen at Fortnum and Masons in London?
MM: Yes, I buy my Jerusalem artichokes there.
DS: Max Miller, thank you for your time. Best of luck with the scabies and we'll see you soon!
Monday 13 June 2011
Poop in My Stew
Loaded Man
Josh Whedon said, "The worst thing about it was being recommended a film that won't be made for four years."
Alec Baldwin offered, "The last time I saw my penis erect was before it was cut off by Claire Forlani."
John Byrne was not so forthright, "I saw a girl's knickers once, but I'll nae tell ye when."
You might think these are all random quotes, and you'd be wrong, because they were all said at a beer festival in Baden-Baden during the summer of 2008.
Wept in a Jar
The largest known mollusk in the world is planning world domination and only the rapping Urban Hip Hop Boy can save the day with his sidekick L'il Bitch.
I Bite My Nails
Our children believe pubic hair is an anathema; thousands upon loads every year are discarding their pubes for the bald, 6-year-old girl look and sparking annoyance in middle America because this proves categorically that all men are paedophiles, or at least those men that salivate over bare poon.
Girls! Having grown men salivate over your private parts is unhygienic; where do you think these people have put their mouths in the past? What if they hadn't flossed? Have you considered what it might be like to pull decomposing food out of your vagina?
Larch Tree Evacuation
When asked if he thought it was natural to thrust an erect member into a hole that was essentially designed as an exit route, Sir Ian McKellen, dressed as Magneto, assured me that the pleasure I would get from it would far outweigh the amount of shit on the bed clothes. I asked if this obsession with shit, blood and sperm was wholely normal and the bastard picked me up on my spelling.
Reich Stag
Mark Waid is petitioning the lord with prayer. He's asking for the word 'custardy' to be included in the same vein as 'jeopardy'. He explains, "If you're in custardy you are literally covered in custard and this has left you in a precarious position, possibly even your life is in danger." When asked by serious journalists if the scenario he paints is ever likely to happen, Waid countered with, "Come round my house on a Friday night and anything is possible, big boy!"
Donut Reprise
Pop Mhan eats eggs. Rachel Scowcroft divines. Martin Pasko is the name of an African Grey Parrot, Bill Sienkiewicz divides his time between train stations, Simon Coleby trains ducks, Mike Carlin inserts rings, Warren Ellis mangles wurzles.
I Want Your Blood
DC's new All-Star Cum Squad is likely to be banned after its depiction of President Obama as a white cocaine dealer with a fright wig. It will be the second DC book to be banned in recent weeks. It follows House of Fornication which was banned for cruelty to otters.
Subsequent Offerings: lard buckets, ping pongs, veritable haberdashery, uncontrollable urges, velcro mushrooms, illuminated torches and wax.
Josh Whedon said, "The worst thing about it was being recommended a film that won't be made for four years."
Alec Baldwin offered, "The last time I saw my penis erect was before it was cut off by Claire Forlani."
John Byrne was not so forthright, "I saw a girl's knickers once, but I'll nae tell ye when."
You might think these are all random quotes, and you'd be wrong, because they were all said at a beer festival in Baden-Baden during the summer of 2008.
Wept in a Jar
The largest known mollusk in the world is planning world domination and only the rapping Urban Hip Hop Boy can save the day with his sidekick L'il Bitch.
I Bite My Nails
Our children believe pubic hair is an anathema; thousands upon loads every year are discarding their pubes for the bald, 6-year-old girl look and sparking annoyance in middle America because this proves categorically that all men are paedophiles, or at least those men that salivate over bare poon.
Girls! Having grown men salivate over your private parts is unhygienic; where do you think these people have put their mouths in the past? What if they hadn't flossed? Have you considered what it might be like to pull decomposing food out of your vagina?
Larch Tree Evacuation
When asked if he thought it was natural to thrust an erect member into a hole that was essentially designed as an exit route, Sir Ian McKellen, dressed as Magneto, assured me that the pleasure I would get from it would far outweigh the amount of shit on the bed clothes. I asked if this obsession with shit, blood and sperm was wholely normal and the bastard picked me up on my spelling.
Reich Stag
Mark Waid is petitioning the lord with prayer. He's asking for the word 'custardy' to be included in the same vein as 'jeopardy'. He explains, "If you're in custardy you are literally covered in custard and this has left you in a precarious position, possibly even your life is in danger." When asked by serious journalists if the scenario he paints is ever likely to happen, Waid countered with, "Come round my house on a Friday night and anything is possible, big boy!"
Donut Reprise
Pop Mhan eats eggs. Rachel Scowcroft divines. Martin Pasko is the name of an African Grey Parrot, Bill Sienkiewicz divides his time between train stations, Simon Coleby trains ducks, Mike Carlin inserts rings, Warren Ellis mangles wurzles.
I Want Your Blood
DC's new All-Star Cum Squad is likely to be banned after its depiction of President Obama as a white cocaine dealer with a fright wig. It will be the second DC book to be banned in recent weeks. It follows House of Fornication which was banned for cruelty to otters.
Subsequent Offerings: lard buckets, ping pongs, veritable haberdashery, uncontrollable urges, velcro mushrooms, illuminated torches and wax.
Sunday 5 June 2011
Standard Child Molestation
The Overtan Way
Over to Gloria Woo with this breaking story...
“Thanks Bob. We’re here in Arlingtonville, Missouri for the trial of Billy-Bob Strange of Flenge. Strange, as some of our viewers might be familiar, is the estranged cousin of the magician and sorcerer supreme, Stephen Strange. Billy-Bob is charged with the sex murders of eleven children and has already courted controversy for sending taunting tapes, letters and videos of himself describing what he did to the parents and family of all the murdered children. Curiously, all the videos the police received from him during his time on a killing spree also had long lengthy footage of blancmange setting, which Billy-Bob has never explained why.
“Strange purchased a two minute slot on an ultra-right wing neofascist group’s radio show and proceeded to describe to the parents’ of Nicola Poom how he had cybermodified his penis so that it had a little digger implement and how instead of just raping their daughter, he actually fucked her a new hole with the diamond tip of his remodified penis, he then asked if they could phone in their address so he could send them photos. Bob, you’ve certainly got to admire this sick puppy’s gall and audacity; in fact I want to scurry away somewhere and fiddle with myself just thinking about it.”
“I know what you mean, Gloria. I have someone giving me a blow job under the table. Here’s Dick with the weather.”
Statue on de Phone
Polythene is something fat girls should be wrapped in and thrown down mines.
Moxy’s Poxy
David Cameron, the director of Avator and Titanic is about to embark on a new career as a basking shark impersonator. Cameron, 53, told Angus Bloor, “It’s all about doing something different. People just associate me with lesbianism and nothing else, so I’m having to think outside the box.”
Silver Toilet
... sorry ...
Silver To Let
World Spangle champion, Roy Thomas, has revealed exclusively to us that he has grown some of the hair under his arm back. Thomas, 70, grew alarmed in his forties when all of his underarm hair fell out, but it seems it’s growing back after a 25 year break.
Handsome Girly
Moss Isley, the only remaining living member of the Isley Brothers, but never actually played with the band is suing George Lucas for a lot of money.
Macaroon Madness
The Pink Hulk gets involved in more homosexual shenanigans in a new sexually explicit graphic novel from Disney’s new Hard Cock imprint. The brainless queen of thump gets caught drying humping a tank by the local gay club who need an extra member to join their glee club and all kinds of spunky mayhem ensues!
Bolivian Horse Meet
Data’s positronic brain has gone on show at the Science and Technology Tower in Metropolis.
Candid Flotsam
I just don’t get my best ideas sitting here, I get my best ideas in the kitchen when I’m dancing around and generally getting into that grove thang that always red lines because thang isn’t a fucking word in the world of bill fuck me Gates and his iron lung wearing sheep dog with the truffle seeking nose and the officer Dibble smile; I bet you hate yourself in the morning after sleeping with that cod and forcing it to felate you while you read the Times and drink dry martinis. The world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around a 14 year old Ukrainian girl called Anya who is being forced to have sex with a horse everyday to satisfy the needs of an aging oligarch who can no longer have sex with anything but the animatronic hand of a monkey, but this man’s helper is married to a woman who knows a man who can literally lick his own eyebrows with his tongue, apparently its a rare condition where your tongue is actually six times longer than it should be and also pokes out of your bottom if you strain too hard while having a shit, which, I firmly believe is only half true and my boyfriend Andy believes is irresistibly cute, a bit like Bambi who, of course, watched his mother get murdered by carnivorous cartoon characters.
Notre Timos: poison Ivy, Lord Lou Can, Cor Stick Soda, Russ Tic Seen, Pick Arse Hole the Famous Artist, Minge Baiting, Si Lent, But Dead, Lee, All a Huskey Needs is Mush Room, Leg Inns, Leg Ends, Jesu Swept, Buckets of Lard.
Over to Gloria Woo with this breaking story...
“Thanks Bob. We’re here in Arlingtonville, Missouri for the trial of Billy-Bob Strange of Flenge. Strange, as some of our viewers might be familiar, is the estranged cousin of the magician and sorcerer supreme, Stephen Strange. Billy-Bob is charged with the sex murders of eleven children and has already courted controversy for sending taunting tapes, letters and videos of himself describing what he did to the parents and family of all the murdered children. Curiously, all the videos the police received from him during his time on a killing spree also had long lengthy footage of blancmange setting, which Billy-Bob has never explained why.
“Strange purchased a two minute slot on an ultra-right wing neofascist group’s radio show and proceeded to describe to the parents’ of Nicola Poom how he had cybermodified his penis so that it had a little digger implement and how instead of just raping their daughter, he actually fucked her a new hole with the diamond tip of his remodified penis, he then asked if they could phone in their address so he could send them photos. Bob, you’ve certainly got to admire this sick puppy’s gall and audacity; in fact I want to scurry away somewhere and fiddle with myself just thinking about it.”
“I know what you mean, Gloria. I have someone giving me a blow job under the table. Here’s Dick with the weather.”
Statue on de Phone
Polythene is something fat girls should be wrapped in and thrown down mines.
Moxy’s Poxy
David Cameron, the director of Avator and Titanic is about to embark on a new career as a basking shark impersonator. Cameron, 53, told Angus Bloor, “It’s all about doing something different. People just associate me with lesbianism and nothing else, so I’m having to think outside the box.”
Silver Toilet
... sorry ...
Silver To Let
World Spangle champion, Roy Thomas, has revealed exclusively to us that he has grown some of the hair under his arm back. Thomas, 70, grew alarmed in his forties when all of his underarm hair fell out, but it seems it’s growing back after a 25 year break.
Handsome Girly
Moss Isley, the only remaining living member of the Isley Brothers, but never actually played with the band is suing George Lucas for a lot of money.
Macaroon Madness
The Pink Hulk gets involved in more homosexual shenanigans in a new sexually explicit graphic novel from Disney’s new Hard Cock imprint. The brainless queen of thump gets caught drying humping a tank by the local gay club who need an extra member to join their glee club and all kinds of spunky mayhem ensues!
Bolivian Horse Meet
Data’s positronic brain has gone on show at the Science and Technology Tower in Metropolis.
Candid Flotsam
I just don’t get my best ideas sitting here, I get my best ideas in the kitchen when I’m dancing around and generally getting into that grove thang that always red lines because thang isn’t a fucking word in the world of bill fuck me Gates and his iron lung wearing sheep dog with the truffle seeking nose and the officer Dibble smile; I bet you hate yourself in the morning after sleeping with that cod and forcing it to felate you while you read the Times and drink dry martinis. The world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around a 14 year old Ukrainian girl called Anya who is being forced to have sex with a horse everyday to satisfy the needs of an aging oligarch who can no longer have sex with anything but the animatronic hand of a monkey, but this man’s helper is married to a woman who knows a man who can literally lick his own eyebrows with his tongue, apparently its a rare condition where your tongue is actually six times longer than it should be and also pokes out of your bottom if you strain too hard while having a shit, which, I firmly believe is only half true and my boyfriend Andy believes is irresistibly cute, a bit like Bambi who, of course, watched his mother get murdered by carnivorous cartoon characters.
Notre Timos: poison Ivy, Lord Lou Can, Cor Stick Soda, Russ Tic Seen, Pick Arse Hole the Famous Artist, Minge Baiting, Si Lent, But Dead, Lee, All a Huskey Needs is Mush Room, Leg Inns, Leg Ends, Jesu Swept, Buckets of Lard.
Wednesday 1 June 2011
Each Orgasm Is Your Penultimate
Ripe Beans
Clark Kent is on the brink of a fourth term in charge of the world after attempts to delay Wednesday's presidential election failed. The English and Scottish Superhero Associations wanted the election postponed amid allegations of corruption - Kent is accused of having stolen candy from a baby.
English Superhero chairman Captain Britain put the proposal to the World congress but 172 of 206 voters opted against a delay. The vote to formally re-elect Kent will take place later on Wednesday with Bruce Wayne running as his vice-presidential candidate, also unopposed.
"This is typical bull boy tactics used by the most powerful thing on the planet," opined Jack Staff, who was with a group of other heroes at the Wailing Womble pub in Wimbledon. Only 17 votes were registered in their favour, with 17 abstentions. "That's disgusting," growled British Bulldog looking up from his plate of milk. "Fucking Superman. He's just a cunt."
In his address, Britain said: "It gives me no pleasure to make this speech. A lot of people have warned me I shouldn't be making this speech but the world is a democratic organisation. Superman is a twat; we all know it. He stands around all day accepting blow jobs from lowly Indian girls, when he should be out there, fighting crime and saving Lois Lane. The poor woman has been off on the sick for six months; she's at a loose end."
However, Kent had this to say, "If Captain Britain thinks he should do my job I challenge him to an x-ray vision contest at Maplehurst swimming baths on Wednesday. If he can find the woman with three nipples before me, then he can have a go at being elected. but only then."
When challenged by a journalist from the Times, Kent said, "I only talk to the Daily Planet, so if you open your mouth again I'll rip your jaw off and shove it up her," pointing at Angela Rippon, "Twat. Got that shit sniffer?"
The journalist laughed and Ms Rippon couldn't walk until she'd had corrective surgery.
"Just Who Is Molly Ringwald" Asked the president of Namibia. But no one remembered the 80s comedy queen.
Cauliflower Vulva
"I know what you're thinking," said a naked Mindy Newel at a press conference to launch DC's new Catgirl comic. "She's not got the body to pull this off. Well, you'd be right. Just look at this," She said grabbing her saggy left breast and squeezing it until pus ran from the veins. "And I'd show you my front bottom, but it has rats living in there at the moment."
The comic is crap. Literally. It's made out of human faeces, processed to have the colour bleached out, but not the smell.
Vera Hello
Stamp on afterbirths. Not normally a normal instruction; but it's the theme running through Trent Kanuiga's new comic. Aliens, who have impregnated women, have planted seeds in the placentas of women that grow into massive bloody sucking creatures with six eyes and tits to rival Carmen Elecktra. The US government issue a warning to all pregnant women that they must stamp on their afterbirths until the eggs burst.
Kanuiga is receiving psychiatric treatment for eating worms.
May Day May Hem
DC is taking the unusual step of banning any reviews of their comics for the rest of 2011. Grotesquely overweight head of sales Blob Wayne said, "If we see a review of a DC comic on any site over the next 7 months, we're going to sue the perpetrators and demand their testicles be removed." When challenged saying that girls might post a review, Wayne said, "Girls? Read comics? What are you man, an imbecile?" When Heidi Ace MacDonald stood up and suggested that she was a girl, Wayne demanded proof saying MacDonald could be a man dressed in a dress, even though she was wearing jeans and a blouse that prominently showed her still pert breast.
In front of 2000 people, Ace got her cunt out, waved it at the crowd and then put it away under lock and key. Wayne claims the reporter is a transsexual and only did it to upset him.
Green Limes
Rob Liefeld, who has recently relocated to a studio in the black ghetto of Detroit has bought a coon hound and calls it Nigger. The locals think it's hilarious. Liefeld's funeral is being planned.
Eleven Tenths of a Second
Fantasy is big. Fantasy with tits is bigger. Fantasy with tits, cocks, horses with wings and naked children is even better. According to The News of the World, a subscription only newspaper from Ingerland. They prove this by showing a doctored picture of Gandalf impaling a naked cherub on a massive superimposed penis.
Mark My Wards
Doug Hempel claims that comics, 'shouldn't be frightened to show open cunt shots, if it progresses the story." This controversial suggestion was greeted with Mexican waves at a recent convention, but, asked Joyce Chen (not averse to an open cunt shot herself when she's had a few brandys), in what context does it have to be in to make it worthy. "Simple," says Hempel. "If you have a lull in the story, the male members of the comic can grab a female character, disrobe her and examine her cunt for invading aliens." What? Every time? Asked Chen. "Absolutely. Those pesky aliens get everywhere and what better place to hide, but somewhere that's warm, moist and shaved; they all must be shaved."
Chen was seen blowing her brains out on Hemple's cock later in the day.
Never Indecent: Spanish Fly, Pink Faeries, Bowling, Crass Enemas, Beijing Black, Costa Rica Gervais, Bad Breath, Leaky Quim, Typhoid Typhoon, Scallop Brandy.
Clark Kent is on the brink of a fourth term in charge of the world after attempts to delay Wednesday's presidential election failed. The English and Scottish Superhero Associations wanted the election postponed amid allegations of corruption - Kent is accused of having stolen candy from a baby.
English Superhero chairman Captain Britain put the proposal to the World congress but 172 of 206 voters opted against a delay. The vote to formally re-elect Kent will take place later on Wednesday with Bruce Wayne running as his vice-presidential candidate, also unopposed.
"This is typical bull boy tactics used by the most powerful thing on the planet," opined Jack Staff, who was with a group of other heroes at the Wailing Womble pub in Wimbledon. Only 17 votes were registered in their favour, with 17 abstentions. "That's disgusting," growled British Bulldog looking up from his plate of milk. "Fucking Superman. He's just a cunt."
In his address, Britain said: "It gives me no pleasure to make this speech. A lot of people have warned me I shouldn't be making this speech but the world is a democratic organisation. Superman is a twat; we all know it. He stands around all day accepting blow jobs from lowly Indian girls, when he should be out there, fighting crime and saving Lois Lane. The poor woman has been off on the sick for six months; she's at a loose end."
However, Kent had this to say, "If Captain Britain thinks he should do my job I challenge him to an x-ray vision contest at Maplehurst swimming baths on Wednesday. If he can find the woman with three nipples before me, then he can have a go at being elected. but only then."
When challenged by a journalist from the Times, Kent said, "I only talk to the Daily Planet, so if you open your mouth again I'll rip your jaw off and shove it up her," pointing at Angela Rippon, "Twat. Got that shit sniffer?"
The journalist laughed and Ms Rippon couldn't walk until she'd had corrective surgery.
"Just Who Is Molly Ringwald" Asked the president of Namibia. But no one remembered the 80s comedy queen.
Cauliflower Vulva
"I know what you're thinking," said a naked Mindy Newel at a press conference to launch DC's new Catgirl comic. "She's not got the body to pull this off. Well, you'd be right. Just look at this," She said grabbing her saggy left breast and squeezing it until pus ran from the veins. "And I'd show you my front bottom, but it has rats living in there at the moment."
The comic is crap. Literally. It's made out of human faeces, processed to have the colour bleached out, but not the smell.
Vera Hello
Stamp on afterbirths. Not normally a normal instruction; but it's the theme running through Trent Kanuiga's new comic. Aliens, who have impregnated women, have planted seeds in the placentas of women that grow into massive bloody sucking creatures with six eyes and tits to rival Carmen Elecktra. The US government issue a warning to all pregnant women that they must stamp on their afterbirths until the eggs burst.
Kanuiga is receiving psychiatric treatment for eating worms.
May Day May Hem
DC is taking the unusual step of banning any reviews of their comics for the rest of 2011. Grotesquely overweight head of sales Blob Wayne said, "If we see a review of a DC comic on any site over the next 7 months, we're going to sue the perpetrators and demand their testicles be removed." When challenged saying that girls might post a review, Wayne said, "Girls? Read comics? What are you man, an imbecile?" When Heidi Ace MacDonald stood up and suggested that she was a girl, Wayne demanded proof saying MacDonald could be a man dressed in a dress, even though she was wearing jeans and a blouse that prominently showed her still pert breast.
In front of 2000 people, Ace got her cunt out, waved it at the crowd and then put it away under lock and key. Wayne claims the reporter is a transsexual and only did it to upset him.
Green Limes
Rob Liefeld, who has recently relocated to a studio in the black ghetto of Detroit has bought a coon hound and calls it Nigger. The locals think it's hilarious. Liefeld's funeral is being planned.
Eleven Tenths of a Second
Fantasy is big. Fantasy with tits is bigger. Fantasy with tits, cocks, horses with wings and naked children is even better. According to The News of the World, a subscription only newspaper from Ingerland. They prove this by showing a doctored picture of Gandalf impaling a naked cherub on a massive superimposed penis.
Mark My Wards
Doug Hempel claims that comics, 'shouldn't be frightened to show open cunt shots, if it progresses the story." This controversial suggestion was greeted with Mexican waves at a recent convention, but, asked Joyce Chen (not averse to an open cunt shot herself when she's had a few brandys), in what context does it have to be in to make it worthy. "Simple," says Hempel. "If you have a lull in the story, the male members of the comic can grab a female character, disrobe her and examine her cunt for invading aliens." What? Every time? Asked Chen. "Absolutely. Those pesky aliens get everywhere and what better place to hide, but somewhere that's warm, moist and shaved; they all must be shaved."
Chen was seen blowing her brains out on Hemple's cock later in the day.
Never Indecent: Spanish Fly, Pink Faeries, Bowling, Crass Enemas, Beijing Black, Costa Rica Gervais, Bad Breath, Leaky Quim, Typhoid Typhoon, Scallop Brandy.
Monday 23 May 2011
The Spoon in Your Slick Poon
Gloria danced naked in front of the angry dwarf. Gyrating her hips in his direction, all he could see was her mound of black pubic hair undulating towards him and he thought of nothing but being attacked by small furry creatures. "Get that fucking thing out of my face or I'll cut one of yer tits off," he growled, but Gloria just grabbed one of her enormous globes and made to cut it off in an imaginative sawing motion. "I mean it ya scabby whore. I'll watch you bleed to death and then shit on your lifeless corpse." This prompted Gloria to squat and gyrate her arse in the dwarf's direction before letting out a massive fart and depositing a loose stool on the bar.
"Eat that you fucking midget freak," she screamed at him before plunging her finger into his eye and piercing his brain with her sharpened finger nails. The dwarf, no longer angry, slumped back on his chair, while Gloria's finger came out of the extra large socket with an audible plop. The drawf's eyeball was wrapped around her knuckle. She chuckled and wandered off to the men's room.
Meanwhile, Jacob had been masturbating for almost an hour and the end of his penis had gone numb and he was convinced his right hand now belonged to someone else - it was the only way he could sustain his erection. He wished he hadn't punched the hypnotist in the face after he thought he'd been made to act like a donkey. this was his doing. it must be, it normally only took him 90 seconds to ejaculate.
While Jacob was fighting a losing battle to orgasm, his wife Julia was completely naked in a sauna with three pre-pubescent girls who were taking it in turns to insert their arms into her vagina. "Now make a fist," was the only thing she said. She made one of the girls bite her nipples, while another, grotesquely hairy boy flicked chocolate and hazelnut spread at her bare breasts. He mixed this sopread with his own phlegm, which he was coughing up faster than a rabbit down a hole. This just made Julia even happier and she orgasmed every seventeen seconds.
The sauna attendent, Colin Endersley, knew what was going on in the private sauna; he'd even filmed some of it in the past and sold it to paedos on the Internet, didn't think there was anything wrong with this bizarre menage of mystic sexual shenanigans; he just couldn't understand why it took place in a sauna.
The police officer who was about to bust Julia for perverse acts against children had his own secrets; he liked to shit in his wife's mouth, even if she wasn't that keen. He sometimes had to get his children to hold her down while he did it. He also liked to wipe his arse opn train seats. his partner, a 40 year old albino Albanian was actually a cross dresser who preferred to spend his weekends in a dog suit, barking at his 18 year old down syndrome suffering girlfriend who laughed with glede when he used to pee on the television.
Yes, this is the new project outline by Frank Miller's new 12 part mystery title called 42. The 80 year old comics legend claims it is based on the mystic writing of King Arthur who had a nightmare vision of a world in the future that existed and was full of weird and wonderful things, but not dragons. Miller was quick to point out that he didn't see any need to include dragons, or for that matter orcs. Miller now lives in a mental institution in Maine and is fed via an automated robot.
"Eat that you fucking midget freak," she screamed at him before plunging her finger into his eye and piercing his brain with her sharpened finger nails. The dwarf, no longer angry, slumped back on his chair, while Gloria's finger came out of the extra large socket with an audible plop. The drawf's eyeball was wrapped around her knuckle. She chuckled and wandered off to the men's room.
Meanwhile, Jacob had been masturbating for almost an hour and the end of his penis had gone numb and he was convinced his right hand now belonged to someone else - it was the only way he could sustain his erection. He wished he hadn't punched the hypnotist in the face after he thought he'd been made to act like a donkey. this was his doing. it must be, it normally only took him 90 seconds to ejaculate.
While Jacob was fighting a losing battle to orgasm, his wife Julia was completely naked in a sauna with three pre-pubescent girls who were taking it in turns to insert their arms into her vagina. "Now make a fist," was the only thing she said. She made one of the girls bite her nipples, while another, grotesquely hairy boy flicked chocolate and hazelnut spread at her bare breasts. He mixed this sopread with his own phlegm, which he was coughing up faster than a rabbit down a hole. This just made Julia even happier and she orgasmed every seventeen seconds.
The sauna attendent, Colin Endersley, knew what was going on in the private sauna; he'd even filmed some of it in the past and sold it to paedos on the Internet, didn't think there was anything wrong with this bizarre menage of mystic sexual shenanigans; he just couldn't understand why it took place in a sauna.
The police officer who was about to bust Julia for perverse acts against children had his own secrets; he liked to shit in his wife's mouth, even if she wasn't that keen. He sometimes had to get his children to hold her down while he did it. He also liked to wipe his arse opn train seats. his partner, a 40 year old albino Albanian was actually a cross dresser who preferred to spend his weekends in a dog suit, barking at his 18 year old down syndrome suffering girlfriend who laughed with glede when he used to pee on the television.
Yes, this is the new project outline by Frank Miller's new 12 part mystery title called 42. The 80 year old comics legend claims it is based on the mystic writing of King Arthur who had a nightmare vision of a world in the future that existed and was full of weird and wonderful things, but not dragons. Miller was quick to point out that he didn't see any need to include dragons, or for that matter orcs. Miller now lives in a mental institution in Maine and is fed via an automated robot.
Monday 16 May 2011
The Thing About Being Sick
Sally Mander
The hive on your face is driving me wild.
Brigitte can contort her body vividly.
Able bodied semen.
I can't see the dollhouse with all this noise going on.
It was your ass that burped.
Caution: men with torque.
Don't stray from the parmesan.
Auntie's wet trousers.
A pound of goose flesh.
The phlegm on your stick.
Dancing naked at Safeways.
Voles argue.
Up an aardvark's vaginal passage.
Coupled oddities.
The 'why I love America' tape.
Slurping the clam.
Le cinema mobile on doit salute.
Cranberries.
Near perfection.
I don't know what this is.
Jazz live in a house of love.
Just what is mononucleosis.
Stand by your grave.
Lake District mammaries.
Shit stained tea bags.
Hammer up your bottom.
Eight years and already experiencing erections.
Dripping feet.
Sticky fingers in plum puddings.
The last good measle.
Save me from the big fish.
I want to be a Hindu love god.
How many sausages up your bum.
Slim chance of biscuits.
Maths is a discipline not a toy.
The bag over your shoulder contains snails.
Windows are not a view.
The cracked path of your life is unrepairable.
Foxgloves and children.
Let sleeping buddhas lie.
Unforgiveable truths.
It wasn't Brad Pitt's penis.
Bitterly brutal with a hint of lemon.
Piss sandwich.
Nehwetam and the sex queue.
Asian boy blues.
Nigger in a jam jar.
Jesus ate my faeces.
The road to Frinton-on-sea.
Teleport me into your quim.
Speak the words of John Forsyth.
Can't get you out of my bed.
Solopsism isn't a cure.
Brittle excuses.
Ponytail heaven.
The red mullet starred in films.
Comic timing.
Pagoda of broken hips.
House with a naked Muslim.
Perry and cider are drunk by naked girls.
Simultaneously prostrate.
Guild of guilds.
Serious leanings.
The place to go is here.
The multipack is in the garden.
Eyedrops for the rich and famous.
Send me the heal of Adam Warren.
Make mine a bikini.
If I had to wear a bra it would be that one.
I've got sick in my hair again.
Can you not wipe your fingers on my face.
The taxi driver thought he was a cantalope.
If I was Superman I'd kill fags.
Nice weather we're hating.
Strange and possibly untrue.
Bake well tarts; come done, realistic pleasures, harmonious bequeaths and sherpa tensing rods.
The hive on your face is driving me wild.
Brigitte can contort her body vividly.
Able bodied semen.
I can't see the dollhouse with all this noise going on.
It was your ass that burped.
Caution: men with torque.
Don't stray from the parmesan.
Auntie's wet trousers.
A pound of goose flesh.
The phlegm on your stick.
Dancing naked at Safeways.
Voles argue.
Up an aardvark's vaginal passage.
Coupled oddities.
The 'why I love America' tape.
Slurping the clam.
Le cinema mobile on doit salute.
Cranberries.
Near perfection.
I don't know what this is.
Jazz live in a house of love.
Just what is mononucleosis.
Stand by your grave.
Lake District mammaries.
Shit stained tea bags.
Hammer up your bottom.
Eight years and already experiencing erections.
Dripping feet.
Sticky fingers in plum puddings.
The last good measle.
Save me from the big fish.
I want to be a Hindu love god.
How many sausages up your bum.
Slim chance of biscuits.
Maths is a discipline not a toy.
The bag over your shoulder contains snails.
Windows are not a view.
The cracked path of your life is unrepairable.
Foxgloves and children.
Let sleeping buddhas lie.
Unforgiveable truths.
It wasn't Brad Pitt's penis.
Bitterly brutal with a hint of lemon.
Piss sandwich.
Nehwetam and the sex queue.
Asian boy blues.
Nigger in a jam jar.
Jesus ate my faeces.
The road to Frinton-on-sea.
Teleport me into your quim.
Speak the words of John Forsyth.
Can't get you out of my bed.
Solopsism isn't a cure.
Brittle excuses.
Ponytail heaven.
The red mullet starred in films.
Comic timing.
Pagoda of broken hips.
House with a naked Muslim.
Perry and cider are drunk by naked girls.
Simultaneously prostrate.
Guild of guilds.
Serious leanings.
The place to go is here.
The multipack is in the garden.
Eyedrops for the rich and famous.
Send me the heal of Adam Warren.
Make mine a bikini.
If I had to wear a bra it would be that one.
I've got sick in my hair again.
Can you not wipe your fingers on my face.
The taxi driver thought he was a cantalope.
If I was Superman I'd kill fags.
Nice weather we're hating.
Strange and possibly untrue.
Bake well tarts; come done, realistic pleasures, harmonious bequeaths and sherpa tensing rods.
Friday 13 May 2011
I Laughed as I Ejaculated over Your Dead Child's Face
Ravenheat Flue Extension 1500mm
Over to Gloria Woo with this breaking story...
“Thanks Bob. We’re here in Arlingtonville, Missouri for the trial of Billy-Bob Strange of Flenge. Strange, as some of our viewers might be familiar, is the estranged cousin of the magician and sorcerer supreme, Stephen Strange. Billy-Bob is charged with the sex murders of eleven children and has already courted controversy for sending taunting tapes, letters and videos of himself describing what he did to the parents and family of all the murdered children. Curiously, all the videos the police received from him during his time on a killing spree also had long lengthy footage of blancmange setting, which Billy-Bob has never explained why.
“Strange purchased a two minute slot on an ultra-right wing neofascist group’s radio show and proceeded to describe to the parents’ of Nicola Poom how he had cybermodified his penis so that it had a little digger implement and how instead of just raping their daughter, he actually fucked her a new hole with the diamond tip of his remodified penis, he then asked if they could phone in their address so he could send them photos. Bob, you’ve certainly got to admire this sick puppy’s gall and audacity; in fact I want to scurry away somewhere and fiddle with myself just thinking about it.”
“I know what you mean, Gloria. I have someone giving me a blow job under the table. Here’s Dick with the weather.”
Statue on de Phone
Polythene is something fat girls should be wrapped in and thrown down mines.
Moxy’s Poxy
David Cameron, the director of Avator and Titanic is about to embark on a new career as a basking shark impersonator. Cameron, 53, told Angus Bloor, “It’s all about doing something different. People just associate me with lesbianism and nothing else, so I’m having to think outside the box.”
Silver Toilet
... sorry ...
Silver To Let
World Spangle champion, Roy Thomas, has revealed exclusively to us that he has grown some of the hair under his arm back. Thomas, 70, grew alarmed in his forties when all of his underarm hair fell out, but it seems it’s growing back after a 25 year break.
Handsome Girly
Moss Isley, the only remaining living member of the Isley Brothers, but never actually played with the band is suing George Lucas for a lot of money.
Macaroon Madness
The Pink Hulk gets involved in more homosexual shenanigans in a new sexually explicit graphic novel from Disney’s new Hard Cock imprint. The brainless queen of thump gets caught drying humping a tank by the local gay club who need an extra member to join their glee club and all kinds of spunky mayhem ensues!
Bolivian Horse Meet
Data’s positronic brain has gone on show at the Science and Technology Tower in Metropolis.
Candid Flotsam
I just don’t get my best ideas sitting here, I get my best ideas in the kitchen when I’m dancing around and generally getting into that grove thang that always red lines because thang isn’t a fucking word in the world of bill fuck me Gates and his iron lung wearing sheep dog with the truffle seeking nose and the officer Dibble smile; I bet you hate yourself in the morning after sleeping with that cod and forcing it to felate you while you read the Times and drink dry martinis. The world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around a 14 year old Ukrainian girl called Anya who is being forced to have sex with a horse everyday to satisfy the needs of an aging oligarch who can no longer have sex with anything but the animatronic hand of a monkey, but this man’s helper is married to a woman who knows a man who can literally lick his own eyebrows with his tongue, apparently its a rare condition where your tongue is actually six times longer than it should be and also pokes out of your bottom if you strain too hard while having a shit, which, I firmly believe is only half true and my boyfriend Andy believes is irresistibly cute, a bit like Bambi who, of course, watched his mother get murdered by carnivorous cartoon characters.
Notre Timos: poison Ivy, Lord Lou Can, Cor Stick Soda, Russ Tic Seen, Pick Arse Hole the Famous Artist, Minge Baiting, Si Lent, But Dead, Lee, All a Huskey Needs is Mush Room, Leg Inns, Leg Ends, Jesu Swept, Buckets of Lard.
Sunday 8 May 2011
Dance on My Bell End
We interrupt this programme to bring you an important announcement. Stan Lee has died and here's what some people have said:
L. Sharp, Penrith.
"Once again DC is not upset enough for my liking, the company should have a bit more compassion, how would they have felt if it was someone's mother?"
S. Waugh, Richmond.
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until Stan is buried"
J. Boorman, Derbyshire.
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Then the Queen Mum went and it was worse. This news is so bad, I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably one day".
G.Paltrow, Hendon.
"He was one of the old school, all the remaining people are shit"
C.Claremont. Kissimmee.
"I thought he would never die, he has let us all down very badly"
S.Holmes, Somerset House.
"He was a trooper and he never gave up. I remember one time he was visiting a school and I asked him if he would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before he left. 'No' he replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how he was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. He pissed himself later though, it was sickening".
4. Skin, North Yorkshire.
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a comic book company employee without being accused of being homosexual".
E. John, High Wycombe.
"His death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Piaf, Cheshire.
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.
"I am sure Mrs Stan Lee will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
G. Wallace, Swansea.
"I hold Jack Kirby in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
Emma Thompson, West Lothian.
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past his coffin."
R. Thomas, Bath.
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as a tsunami".
N.Adams, West Virginia, mountain mama.
"He was one of us, and by that I don't mean he perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. He was like us in a good way. God bless you Stan - the man!"
Peter "Robocop" Weller, Harlow.
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
B. Hitch, Cowdenbeath.
"He had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round he is given a life of privilege and comfort"
T.S. Elliott, Hastings.
"Perhaps if we automated his old golf buggy it could still drive around New York on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
J. Quesada, Newark.
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.
"I am sure Mrs Stan Lee will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
G. Wallace, Swansea.
"I hold Jack Kirby in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
Emma Thompson, West Lothian.
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past his coffin."
R. Thomas, Bath.
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as a tsunami".
N.Adams, West Virginia, mountain mama.
"He was one of us, and by that I don't mean he perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. He was like us in a good way. God bless you Stan - the man!"
Peter "Robocop" Weller, Harlow.
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
B. Hitch, Cowdenbeath.
"He had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round he is given a life of privilege and comfort"
T.S. Elliott, Hastings.
"Perhaps if we automated his old golf buggy it could still drive around New York on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
J. Quesada, Newark.
Lee was born Ernesto Massivoballs in 1900 shortly after the industrial revolution and just before Hitler died. Joe Hitler, Adolf's great grandfather was a watch maker in Boston, who emigrated to Austria because of a family problem involving baby donkeys and sheep oil. After moving somewhere, he stopped feeding the birds and worked there for ages. The end.
Tuesday 26 April 2011
She Likes Stuffing Dog Shit Down Her Pants
Hash Popes
Top reporter Leon Trubshaw was granted access to Alan Moore and this is his fantabulous interview!!!
LB: Hello Alan More!
AM: There's two Os in my name.
LB: How could you tell?
AM: I am omnipotent; I see your words as letters floating in the ether like dust motes or scrotal dandruff.
LB: That's nice.
AM: It has its moments.
LB: So, tell me, Alan Moore, this look you've chosen? Is it a hit with the chicks? Do they dig the long hair, weirdy beardy and a crook image? Does it make them want to swivel on your cock?
AM: At least a dozen times a year. I don't tell my wife, but as she lives in a completely separate house to me, she doesn't know if I send the old kipper out for a good mulleting.
LB: I think you'll find 'mulleting' has two tees.
AM: I think not, poltroon.
LB: Were you surprised that you got the James Bond gig?
AM: Pardon?
LB: Back in the 70s after that guy that no one can remember the name of. Lazenby, he who slept with rotting wombats, according to Gene Pitney.
AM: That was Roger Moore.
LB: Then you never lost your legs in the war?
AM: That was Douglas Bader. But I see where you're going here and, no, I'm not Kenneth More either. Neither am I the dead rock guitarist Gary Moore either.
LB: Dead footballer?
AM: Nope, that's Bobby. Do you know who I am?
LB: Alan Moore; you're famous for being a gnarly old cunt. I'm just winding you up to see if I can get a candid photo of you trying to strangle me, or maybe give me a surreptitious blow job.
AM: I am not gnarly. That isn't even a real word according to Google.
LB: You're daughter? Is it true she was a seductress at 13?
AM: Why?
LB: I was wondering how long ago that was or if she has any children?
AM: I have a new comic coming out in March.
LB: It's called Titties and Beer isn't it?
AM: No. I agreed to be interviewed if I could talk about my new project and answer some questions on the centre of the universe, or North Hampton as us Bective lads like to say.
LB: Have you got a bad limp?
AM: Sometimes.
LB: Is your mum still alive and what was her favourite colour?
AM: No and blue.
LB: Indian, Chinese or Italian?
AM: I've fucked them all, but Indians are surprisingly dirty in bed and I'm not talking grubby dirty either, if you catch my drift?
LB: I was talking laundry services.
AM: Let me ask you a question? How big is your cunt?
LB: About 5 feet and 4 inches; she's waiting in the car.
AM: Boom boom!
The completion of this interview has been illustrated by Melinda Guppy and will be published every week for the next seventeen years.
I'm Andrea
Leon Trubshaw's father, Harry, was well known for his work behind the scenes in the comics industry. Harry always said, "Without fucking Gods like me there wouldn't be a fucking comics industry you bunch of dried up pussies," and he would, of course, be completely right, or is that wrong. We couldn't actually get anyone to acknowledge that comics aren't just born into the world by a massive comics vagina. The kind of massive pulsating vagina that makes even dirty Muslim faggots want to fuck the ass of some teenage girl rather than their room mate at college who continually begged you to stop, you fucking cretin.
Slim Pickins
It's all right to believe in pygmy goats with big, bright purple eyes. Just keep it quiet in front of the FBI.
Cheese Balls
Right now, the chatter regarding Marvel movies is focused on the release of both Sore and Captain Amata and the Bruise Crew. Yet, it’s a fair bet that this time next year, we might be excited about the idea of the She Hulk's Clitoris movie.
In fact, scrub that, it’s hard not to be excited now, albeit tempered a little by wondering just how it can all work. For this is the movie where Marvel brings its largest part of a female sex organ to Imax screens and in 34D.
What, of course, makes the prospect of the film particularly promising, is the choice of Barry Vig to direct it. Vig has revealed that the shoot of the film has now begun, in the studios where he shoots most of his porn films.
In fact, do you like the way I say 'in fact' a lot, to make this sound like it's all fact? Vig revealed it a day or so back, but got arrested, so when he said that “Will you get that hairy fucking piece of cheesecake out of my face”. She-Hulk's Clitoris is due out in May 2012 and it's bound to make a big splash, especially if it's near water.
Bandage Strip
And you sir are a buffoon of disproportionate dimensions. Just remember who allowed you to screw his eight year old daughter when the going gets rough. Now, get out of my hovel and never darken my mouldy chairs with your stench again.
Parsley Bill
When asked by a serious journalist why he never went into writing proper books, Stan Lee said, "I was just a crap writer. Still am. Was crap with a typewriter and crap in bed. I'm amazed I had a daughter, I could barely get a hard on from the age of 18. Of course, I'd often get one when I watched Jack drawing Thor and he'd relieve me by pretending my cock was one of his cigars. I never talked about this before because most of it is fantasy; I don't think I ever had a real daughter, i think she was a mixture of plastic and my imagination, at least that's what she used to say to me when she was having sex with my fist."
Lee, 106, is regarded as a bit crap. I'm sorry that should have said regraded.
Nex tissue: whore's teeth, whores' teeth, whore's teet, nipples, tits, jubblies, curvature of the spine, aching balls, death watch Beatles, spork, porks, is sport dead, my doughnut is growing, empires and basements, globes, porcine gloves and elongated knives.
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Crusty Testicles
Sodden Tongue
Talbot, the son of Lawrence Talbot, the famous werewolf of the 40s and 50s, first came to prominence with his first autobiography, The Tale of One Sad Twat. Then in 2000 he released his second and third autobiographies, before releasing a fourth in 2007 and then this latest one. The thing that makes the fans come back for more was summed up by Hortense Sleeve, a Christian comics fan from Ohio, when she said, "They're all different!"
Talbot's mother, who invented a car for the Chrysler Corporation in 1954, couldn't be at the launch because she runs a nightclub in Ibiza.
Banned on the Runs
Non-Caucasian artist Lienel Francis Yu has reported to the police and incident where his 12 year old sister was eaten by a small pond full of tadpoles. It took Yu more than an hour to explain to the police that he wasn't suggesting the pond ate his sister, but the tadpoles in the pond. When this fact was established, Yu said the police arrested 776 tadpoles and made joke coffee with them later that night to cheer up Lienel's parents, Mr & Mrs Yu, who didn't know what to do.
Helvetian Effrontery
Sad but true, you can't boil waves.
The last king of Spain was a comics fan and owned his own dado rail company.
Bourgeois Hamster
The police said they weren't surprised as Mr Fellink had previously been arrested on suspicion of impersonating a television reporter. In 2006, Fellink pretended to be Connie Chung to ply sexual favours from Congressman Walt D. Isnae, the congressman for Botswanaville, OK. According to reports, congressman Isnae wasn't aware that Fellink was a man until he ejaculated in his mouth while filming it and simulcasting on Facebook. "It was a shock. I thought she just had a very large clitoris."
Slime Dildo
'"It was a shock. I thought she just had a very large clitoris."' Just how often do you hear that now? It seems that over the last dozen or three years, more and more women are either taking lots of hormones to grow their clitorises to resemble small penises, or some men like having sex with other men while dressing up in panda outfits and yodelling like swans. To be frank, this has to stop and we should go back to living normal lives and loving our neighbours. But not in that way with squelch and queef, but in an I'd like to teach the world to sing kind of way, or failing that with a big hammer.
Pigs with Fake Noses
Transgenderation is what men who want their cocks chopping off and fake breasts inserted into their plectrums. It's wrong. Jesus wanted to be a woman and that's what really happened to him at Easter. He went to some dodgy Thai doctor who chopped his cock off and inserted fake breasts and Jesus died from toxic shock so they stuck him in a cave and a bear scared the shit out of the corpse so it came alive again and crapped on the bear and went down the pub. So don't do it. If you meet one of these freaks - fuck them with a baseball bat in their new twats and tell them that this wouldn't have happened if they'd had penises like real men do. Yeah!
Pond Warts
I can understand what it's like to be missing bits of my body.
Exit Ment: slander, beagles, gang rape, ventricular sex, bison wine, petite sixes, Velcro manor, Posh frocks as a statement not a description, chiefs or chieves, my French friend
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