Stiggly Boo

“My new movie is about a woman with massive piss flaps,” said Kathryn Bigelow, when asked for a synopsis. When asked how she will deal with such a sensitive issue, she said, “We’ll use prosthetics and I’ll sing Jerry Lee Lewis songs. I’ve always felt that the best way, but only on a Wednesday, to express yourself is with a milk pump.”

“Spleen Eater is the name of my new film,” said charismatic Ryan Reynolds, holding a cardboard cut-out of a ham sandwich. “It’s an indie road movie with Dutch people. I play a man who doesn’t know how to use a microphone, but only on a Wednesday.” He was then photographed next to a Hammond Organ.

Spike Lee has confirmed his next project will be a frivolous comedy about a black man who has the soul of a white nerd. Morgan Freeman has promised to stay away from production.

Molest My Mollusc is the new Jodie Foster project, based on the best-selling book by former swimmer Mark Spitz, who allegedly got sexual pleasure from covering his genitals with large African land snails and training them to sexually gratify him. Reports that Rock Hudson was coming out of death to play Spitz have proved to be unfounded and it is expected that Liam Neeson will play the swimmer as he appears to be the only man Foster allows near her.

Unconfirmed reports suggest Marvel’s next big screen adaptation will be a pornographic version of Millie the Model, but will feature no nudity. Sarah Michelle Gellar is regarded as a shoo-in for the role, especially as she doesn’t ever get naked. Internet pundits are saying Gellar is too old and is likely to only have a renaissance if she does actually get her tits out. However, one former boyfriend of the former Buffy star said, “Frankly, she has pathetic tits and they sag a little, which considering her age is a big deal; her minge always smelled faintly of lamb gravy too.”

The controversial new film from James Cameron has divided audiences at a test screening in Baltimore. The secret project is called Shit in 3D and features 97 minutes of footage taken by a hidden, splatter proof, camera placed in the last but one cubicle of a unisex toilet in a posh hotel – so only well-bred bottom bits were ever on display. Cameron calls it an ‘anthropological experiment’, but critics have called it an excuse to film something that most other people in the world wouldn’t even conceive of doing. One blogger suggested that Cameron, “was dancing with sheep while the world procrastinates” and another said, “Jim. Jim, oh Jim. Jimmy, Jimbo, Jimbula, JimJamJoo, what have you done? The girl taking a dump and fingering herself at the 38 minute mark, was that Halle Berry?”

Orville climbed the stairs, his massive, unsheathed erection proudly standing in front of him, ready to unleash its creamy goodness all over Gwendolyn’s tits; how he loved these days when his wife was away and it was just him and his 9 year old daughter, who for some reason had enormous tits.

Sitting on the dock of the bay, having a wank into the sea.

David Lynch’s new film is a comedy about two retarded men trying to lose their virginity in a convent. When asked who would be starring in it, he said, “Keira Knightly in drag and Sven Goren Erikson.”

The 43rd season of True Blood has just started and this series, Sookie and co are fighting giant alien Frankenstein monsters that shoot milk from their eyes. It also examines the reason why Americans struggle to pronounce the name Tara properly.

NBC’s announcement that it is to stage a Friends reunion has fallen foul of the USPCA because it intended to replace Joey with a dead wood pigeon.

The follow up series to Desperate Housewives, Husbands with shit for Brains has been cancelled.

No one likes a smart Alec, they prefer them slightly stupid with spots.

Prince Andrew is to star in a sexy comedy about a fat middle aged royal who basically shags anyone that fancies it and his hilarious adventures when he falls for a donkey.

Frank Miller’s new film is a fragrant reminder of how gentile and mild-mannered this former mental health out patient really is. “Fluffy the Sheep is a full on, in your face, examination of what happens to an animal when it is given a peculiar drink from the UK called Tizer. I think there is more blood in this than there is in a sperm whale.”

Quite why someone is leaving sculpted shit on my veranda is anyone’s guess.

JJ Abrams’s new TV series is called Splot and surprisingly it isn’t that much to do with time travel or mysterious events. It focuses on a man who has an incurable bowel disease and how he is recruited by the CIA because they think there’s an extra-terrestrial living next door to him. However, is the man from the CI really from them or is he barking mad? The series will star some people and have dialogue.

Mark Waid’s new comic is called Androgynous Sex Fiend and isn’t autobiographical as some people have been suggesting. 67 year old Waid, who has just been released from a secure mental institute after his last comic book forced the FBI to arrest him, has never quite been the same since he was famous.

Coming soon: Marvellous berries, Otter Man’s Empire, steal me things, Barking instead of shimmying, lachrymose toffee, boiled adlib, mangled chutney, dog daisy, melonkim, parasol defeat, shouting woman with a voice like a duck on the rampage with a submachine gun, Chivers Regal, pungent offspring and a baby’s arm thrust inside a working model of the queen.