Typhoid Quim Rind

Slalom Shalom

Mark Waid is back with a new series called Sick Doctor. The obese and verbose writer explains: "Do you know how many girls die without enjoying the feel of a massive cock inside them? There are lots, even many, girls who die virgins and Sick Doctor is there to offer the parents of these girls the chance to let their children die with a erect penis inside them and maybe some cum dribbling down a thigh that will never feel physical love."

When asked if he felt the subject matter of his comic was possibly the most disgusting thing ever, Waid said, "I asked Art Adams to draw it! But ended up with Mark Bagley. Mark claims he was in a lot of discomfort for most of the drawing as he could not get rid of the massive erection he had, no matter how many times he masturbated and ejaculated. It is a subject that really makes people horny!"

Hummus Humongous

Another new series from Mark Waid is also due for release in April. Shit Doctor is about a doctor that evacuates his bowels in the mouths of teenage girls. Dr Cedric Sklaff ties his victims to a bed, forces their mouths open with cheesewire then defecates into the orifice until no more excrement can be fitted. He then takes a pallet knife and smooths it over before varnishing.

Waid continues, "Do you know how many teenage girls never experience the joy of having someone take a shit in their mouths? It's literally millions and this comics will go a long way to redressing that problem."

Bell Endlessly

The new comics series Cum Doctors is from fat and retarded comics writer Mark Waid and focuses on two doctors who force patients they are operating on to have human ejaculate forced into their eyes while having routine operations. This is what Waid said, "Fuck off. Just fuck off and leave me alone. None of you understand the beauty of working with ejaculate. just fuck off and leave me with my pot of cum."

Bagel Workshop

The comics industry was shocked to discover that nothing else happened this week apart from Joyce Chen swallowing four pints of rapidly evacuated moose jizzum into her anus by mechanical transfer. Mark Waid was in Portland.

Next wipe: mwah gah wuh buh utch wid pah moo

Rat Cum Beetroot Spunk

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The Arse of God

Breaking News

• Spam is reconstituted meat
• Pork Luncheon Meat is also reconstituted meat
• Metal is an element
• Bison are actually not buffalo
• You is here
• Indians don't eat cows' penises
• warts are lumps of infected skin
• cheese is made from milk
• discharge stinks
• seven is a prime number
• severn is a river
• severe is pain
• severin is a Velvet Underground member
• nipples secrete milk
• humans can make cheese
• velvet is a feeling
• faecal matter smells
• you are there
• sweat is salty
• urine is salty
• phlegm is sticky
• head lice like clean heads
• horses are equine
• cows are bovine
• pigs are porcine
• foxes are lupine
• beavers
• more beavers
• pubic mounds
• Gale forces wind
• Engine trouble
• sidewinder missiles
• canny broth
• frumpy dresses
• swallow hole
• swallow whole
• swallow cucumber
• the peasants are revolver
• stagnant beetle
• well worn vulva
• areola bartender
• fitness clerk
• carbon crutch
• sofa so good
• bell end
• stick insects
• penis envoy
• mild shock
• big Al
• lenticular porridge
• cart house
• van drover
• leech whelk
• hive mind
• cunt ox
• great booby
• plastic Bertram
• meat cleaver
• poxy squab
• large infinitesimal
• hedgehog nose
• larch breath
• bread sandwich
• cock butter
• hinge and scrabble
• luminescent cringe
• stellar anus
• child rape
• pervert's clothes
• range master
• car man
• bung hole
• bung whole
• bung margarine
• clarify cum
• Gilda Ratner
• vile counterbalance
• hark plunger
• masonry Adams
• Aristophanes mews
• conglomerate toast
• eat pig
• Brian gun
• manga chick
• bank counts
• fried birth
• ping pang
• well clad girl
• hats off
• knickers down
• fill it up
• fillet up
• philly tup
• seven is a PRIME number
• beer monty
• brain gurgle
• lung waste
• king fusilier
• tungsten car bride
• miss vagina
• muster stench
• pickled baby
• incandescent rage
• apropos of heal
• eleven bingo
• cassette felch
• small wee
• taste testicle
• manfred mann's bum hole
• special section
• spastic rice
• glade treasure
• trick of the blight
• made to measles
• 50 mg of stains
• heaven bent
• gross miss tree
• ejaculate here
• move side arms
• insurgent glass
• 2010 film
• out now
• out there
• out out
• gay soldier
• point dexter
• thieves and bush
• flange worth
• keep balls
• red squire
• grey pus
• shit stint
• mercurial gladhandedness
• hurts now
• steer there
• colonel fish
• conan smith
• seven
• have you ever
• rose pedal
• mail male
• femail inconsistencies
• goat herder
• cow proof
• pig cheese
• cum guzzler
• diet now
• fat of the gland
• wife beater
• surgical beer
• never then
• tick blacks
• nigger bait
• George it
• stand to mention
• light up the sty
• now and zen
• chap and chips
• blue whale
• finger her now
• 
  

Your Fuck Runs Out

More Headlines:

• The girl were sexually abused so badly its cunt caved in
• He practice his fucks
• Ice is frozen water
• Michael Smith is a violent and controlling paedophile
• Victims of sex crimes asked for it
• I'm not sure that larches are indigenous
• 1 in 56 children have massive cocks
• 11% of 9-year old girls have performed oral sex on their grandfathers
• Comics are made of paper, apart from comedians who are made of cheese
• Teenagers are abused regularly; many enjoy this
• Fear is the key
• Barns house horses
• Rape is fun
• Mushrooms are a different form of life, possibly alien
• January 13th is a date on the calendar
• Corduroy is a material
• seven is a prime number
• the lowest score you can get with a single dart is 23
• Sarah is quite sexy now she's been removed from her mother's womb
• Horticulture is all about plants
• Modesty does not become you
• Nudity is more fun for perverts than you'd think
• A pound of flesh weighs a pound
• nerves are important
• television is mindless
• Down's syndrome babies have something wrong with their minds
• laughing gas
• Roast beef
• carrots are not white and if they were, ugh
• ear wax
• cod peace
• love eggs
• on porpoise
• slavery is useful
• children screaming
• Seven is a prime number
• Iran is a country
• huge savings
• massive discounts
• poultry leg
• residential sex toy
• razor sharp rocks
• Australian navy
• Haj tar
• Hindu Goal
• Abdominal sex
• Irish eyes
• Velcro arm
• Standard rope bearers
• The Police think you're sick
• Mice and men
• pretend sex is only an orgasm facilitator
• Slash your neck
• Suffer the little children with sperm dribbling from their nasal passages
• bottom burp
• I'm disgusted by faecal drips
• Tense your bum
• People steal children
• 134 times I said no
• The fine imposed for mixed sex wards
• 35,000 people have committed illegal sex acts in Norwich
• prostitutes ask for it
• horror injury stops goat from having sex with epileptic
• ejaculate is mainly protein
• waste
• mix tape grapefruit
• hour glass fissure
• sore mouth
• Managing horse languages
• some doctors' enjoy playing with tits
• Horace is a silly name
• pen pushing flange wankers
• cock juggling thunder cunts
• right or wrong
• tight or loose
• Liz is a beaver
• psychopathic dentist
• 7 is a prime number
• slanty fuck
• frozen waste disposal
• slang terms for pussy
• pigs and pugs
• the police are guilty of abusing figs
• Robert
• it's just a small and warty mistake
• foxes are cute
• fangs for the memory
• argue all you want, this is sensible
• charity begins at Cromer
• Suffolk should be banned, so should South Virginia
• cigarettes fit nicely into young girls' quims - mini dildos!
• no

Wart Terror

The Headlines:

• It's cold in Siberia
• Europeans are more likely to speak Dutch
• Children are smaller than adults unless they are midgets
• The sun is far far away
• Mable is a girl's name not used as much as it was
• Cigarettes are not food
• Governments are not made of plastic
• Cars are dangerous
• Seven is a prime number
• Never trust a man with egg on his face
• Newsreaders are often in a state of flux
• Seven is a prime number
• Star Trek is fictional at the moment
• Bruce Banner is an alliteration
• Mammary glands are attractive to certain people
• Dominoes can be used as doorstops
• Peanut butter has no butter in it
• Barack Obama is technically not a typical American name
• Horses are fond of cress
• Chefs are unkind
• TV is a form of entertainment
• Larches are indigenous British trees
• Seventeen is a prime number
• Quails lay eggs
• Dung beetles are not made of shit
• Slaven Bilic is Croatian
• Homosexuals tend to be well dressed
• Tall is a relative term
• Rain is melted snow
• Brain doesn't have muscles
• Frog spawn is not made of jelly
• David is a boy's name
• Canals are not rivers
• An ejaculation travels at 22 miles per hour
• Corduroy is a strange word
• 27 is NOT a prime number
• Bread is a food stuff
• Pus is inedible
• Feet smell if encased in plastic
• Spelling is relatively important
• Ducks lay eggs
• Chinese people look differently to people from Belgium
• Cricket is both a game and an insect
• Faecal matter is generally unpleasant to clean your teeth with
• Cows are not sacred
• I know people with problems
• A tempest is a storm
• A tampon is a collection vessel
• Glass is made from sand
• David Cronenberg is a film director
• Jack Kirby is still dead
• Rugby is a town and a sport
• Edam is a cheese
• Insanity is madness
• Eggs are protein
• Stew is a thick soup
• Rabbits have ears
• Walls have ears
• Corn has ears
• Ears have wigs
• Car stereos are becoming obsolete
• Vagrants tend to be homeless people with beards
• Hair is dead
• Teeth do not itch
• Is Nova Scotia an island?
• Hallowed be thy name
• Pain is unpleasant unless you are a masochist
• Stealing is theft
• God is a DJ
• Black hole sun is a misnomer
• Printers are cheaper than peripherals
• Women have vaginas
• Platypus is an egg laying mammal
• Coffee is a drink
• Toes are on the end of feet
• Men struggle to find clitorises
• Swine fever
• Zeppelins are an outmoded form of travel
• Cans are made of tin
• Potatoes are food
• 16 is a fair and legal age for sexual intercourse
• Political parties have ideological differences
• People are unpleasant
• 7 is a prime number
• Hearts are prone to attack
• Kidneys get stoned
• Venom is snake poison
• Comics are generally made of paper
• Worms die if you cut them in half
• Flour is an interesting contraceptive
• Horses do not have feathers
• It is very dry in the Atacama desert
• Saliva grows in your mouth
• Mushrooms are an entirely different life form than mammals
• Cold is the opposite of hot
• Lukewarm doesn't always mean temperature
• Some gay men have a fear of shit
• Horses have bigger cocks than chickens
• A woman discharges over 3 pints of unctuous liquid every year
• Squids are not sexual apparatus
• God probably doesn't exist and if he did he wouldn't approve of unnatural sex acts
• You cannot find a heart valve in an old radio
• Ice rinks are dangerous
• Humans will do increasingly strange things to orgasm
• Muslims are as bad as the rest of us
• Or alternatively, we're as bad as Muslims
• Hell is a state of mind
• Most men would run away if presented with their heart's desire
• Most women would fuck it silly
• Seven is a film by David Fincher
• Most women only have anal sex because their partners want to
• Hats are useful
• Rats are clean by comparison
• A dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's
• Sucking a used tampon is probably not wise
• Piles are nature's way of telling you you crap too much
• A yo-yo is a toy
• Violins are small violas
• Kraft make poor cheese
• Hake is a fish
• New Zealand is very far away
• Star wars is fiction
• Rape is illegal in some countries
• Nipples do not shatter when frozen
• Bye

Rate My Children's Genitals

Knobchys

The news that Charlie Adlard has stolen the corpses of both Mike Wieringo and Mike Turner and is fucking both of them until his penis gets sore has angered a number of Parent Teachers Associations in Atlanta. Mrs Argobast, the senior advisor to the PTA said, "What kind of message is this sending out to our children?"

Steve Gerber was contacted by medium and was asked how he felt about dead comics creators being violated in such a way, he said, "Why does this never happen to me?"

Liam Sharp, another English fellow, said, "Huh, Charlie, he Ad Lard and now he travels. Ad Lard and travels? Geddit?"

Someone close to Mike Wieringo - his dead grandfather - said through some Muslim gauze that he felt that his grandson would appreciate his rectum being used in such a disrespectful way. "He always liked having things put up his backside. We were always pulling Lego bricks from out of it when he was a child."

Eleven Pounds of Anus Flesh

Tom Sutton might be the latest in a long line of comics artists to be dead. Arthur Adams said recently on Conan O'Brien that it was a curse and that people who worked in comics seemed destined to die, yet Stan Lee is still going strong. It must be an indication that most of what Lee did wasn't really classed as comics.

Adam Schlagman's Vagina Feast

Andres Alves has been outed as the latest boyfriend of Bob Fingerman and is believed to really like taking it up the backside. This led Conchita Alves, Andres' mother to ask the question, "why do some men like getting really stinking shit on their penises. Surely it is unhealthy and who would want to put it in their mouths once it is smeared with another man's bum do?"

That's a good question. I've been gay for most of my life, but I now believe it just means that I'm happy and carefree rather than a liker of man on man love.

The Girl with the Elongated Penis

Dan Brereton has revealed for the first time that he felates rabbits and has been doing so for a number of years. He claims it helps with his artwork technique and means he can prolong his own ejaculations for up to a year. He denies learning all he knows from Jim Starlin, but says they both did a lot of drugs during Secret Wars.

Mashed Warts

You have been warned.

Save My Lettuce

David Beckham and Ashley Wood are to perform operations on homeless children for a studio audience in Mexico in January. Beckham, 44, was hoping for someone more famous, but had to settle for a semi-famous man who copies other styles.

Beans are Good

Drew Rausch is having his spleen removed for charity and it is being replaced by a rat that has had it's teeth and eyes removed.

Hick Banana

I always thought Hilary Barta was a woman; even though he doesn't have a penis to speak of.

Dave the Boring Cola

Bob McLeod has admitted that he spent many years in the 1980s taking cocaine and screwing 13 year old girls, even admitting that many of the girls really didn't enjoy his cum in their faces or in their ears. McLeod, now serving 100 years in a state plenipotentiary for raping his grandmother and forcing his dog to have sex with his children is believed to be highly mentally unstable and not the same Bob McLeod who worked for Marvel Comics...

Try This

Jamie Rich made his money from child prostitution. Apparently he wasn't very good at fucking, but if he took his teeth out he could give a mean blow job.

You all smell of piss

Fucking the Carcass of God

Silly Things Gay Men Say...

I don't mind having sex with women as long as they don't mind having their arseholes ripped to shreds and having a mastectomy first.

It might look like chocolate, but it doesn't smell like it.

Ooh, he's done a woopsie on the carpet.

Can you suck my cock without grunting like a turkey?

There's a difference between being gay and sticking gerbils up your bum.

I don't like women, they smell.

All men are gay, some more than me.

Tom Hanks was only pretending to be gay; he never took one up the arse for his art.

Australians are really good at homosexuality.

I can understand why heterosexual men like women, but they discharge far more.

Lesbians are just sick.

All gay men like coffee.

If you suffer from piles I'm not sticking my cock in you.

If Superman was gay there wouldn't be any gay men left.

Contrary to what they tell you, most gay men are paedophiles.

However, most paedophiles are not necessarily gay.

I knew a woman once who liked taking it up the arse - was she gay?

Having a cock up one's bottom is a little like IBS.

A lot of gay men are really camp and irritating.

Things A Paedophile President of the USA Might Say...

I'm in charge, give me naked children.

I'm in charge, give me masked naked children so i don't have to look at their faces while I'm fucking them.

I'm in charge, bum Russia now.

My wife doesn't understand me and my children run away when I get close to the house.

I have a lot in common with Richard Nixon, except he was corrupt.

I like to masturbate to children's television.

My chief of staff supplies me with a lot of 6 year olds.

If there's one thing I hate about being president, its the bad grammar.

Things Dorothy L Sayers Whispered to Her Dog...

I like having sex with you' you have a very strange penis.

My books are all about sucking animals cocks.

I like having ice rubbed on my nipples; ice made from dogs' urine.

I have a lot in common with you, I like to drag my arse along the floor rather than use toilet paper.

I wish I had a cock so you could lick it.

Are you staying for tea or do I have to suffer again?

Items of Clothing That Paul Levitz Has Been Arrested For Stealing...

A bra.

A tin of cod roe.

Five.

Knickers.

A dog collar encrusted with excrement.

My wife.

A heavy metal sweatshirt.

Bad spelling.

A coat made from leeches.

A four year old girl's leotard after she had an accident.

A microscopic piece of Barbara Streisand's underwear.

Nice tea.

The Last Time Elvis Presley Farted These things Appeared in Memphis...

Lard in tin cups.

Cupid pictures.

A Tennis racket covered in whale sperm.

A doughnut.

More doughnuts, this time covered in iron filings.

The Nashville Teens.

A big dollop of pooh.

Nasal hair.

A collection of pornographic out takes from Star Trek films.

Bill Oddie.

Part of Kate Moss's arteriolar.

The nipple of doom.

Brasso.

Things Jesus Liked to insert into the end of his Penis...

Donkeys

Elves

Machine gun bullets

German film makers

Yoghurt with dried fruit

Cunts

Mary's discharge

John the Baptist's tongue

JRR Tolkien

Lamb

Tweed jackets

Horse flesh

Naan breads

Itching powder

Plane Tree root

Roofing tiles

Spaghetti - cooked

A yard broom

Black men

Rhesus monkeys

How to Wash a Troll...

Karen Brady

Karen Carpenter

Mary Chapin Carpenter

Helen Baxendale

Jennifer Jason Leigh

John Lassiter

Buzz Lightyear

Cory Haim

Morgo Vittenson

Peter Jackson

Desmond Dekker

Steve the Alligator

A pair of soiled Jeans - Simmons and Boht

Ill fitting scarves

Nanoseconds

Desperate measures

The Last Time A Gay Jesus Appeared in a Film about Kiddie Fiddlers...

A book of lists

Cartoonists with incurable diseases

Bacon fat

Blue Peter presenters sniffing gussets

Sesame Street gets banned because of sperm jokes

Marvel Comics employee charged with phlegm related offences

Arguing moles

Testosterone fuelled gang warfare

Insert penis

Lecturing on the downside of clowns

Eleventh hour psychos

Jesus was an impostor

American ignorance

French passion

German honesty

Zimbabwe

Cars with brains

Die