Orange Otis
Bindweed souffle and chips twice, please luv and make it snappy.
My uncle was a frog and I don't mean he was French.
Would the Incredible Hulk go to heaven?
My brother made icing using his jizzum.
Your mouth is full of junk.
The adult nappy is a necessity for some men.
He is the gerbil up Richard Gere's bottom.
Ring that minge, baby.
That woman made a stew out of baby spew.
It is the kebab of broken dreams.
Can you have a vegan copraphiliac?
You try cutting a lamb's leg off and then successfully stuffing it up its arse.
Ever wondered what a blow job from a suckling baby would be like?
And in this bucket I have some stagnant amneotic fluid.
If you are serious about becoming a lesbian then you can borrow the car.
Why is the water used in hair products called aqua?
His burning desire was to train as a womb scratcher.
There's always the aroma of soiled panties.
Friday, 30 September 2011
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Blowing Raspberries on Your Clitoris
You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap. You eat crap.
You have to eat my poo; I made it into a stew, just for you.
The nimby and the namby are all a bit quamby.
The otty in your botty is all glotty
the iddy in your piddy is all diddy
the unti in your grunti is all bunti
the mooby in your looby is a bit scrooby
I have often been asked why men like getting shit on their erect penises.
I have seen the glue in your poo
I have eaten the stew from your poo
I have wiped the goo on my leg from your poo
If I squirrel around in there for long enough I might find those welding goggles I lost in 1987.
If ghosts exist why the fuck aren't they just camped out in some teenagers changing room?
I was once asked by a filthy dirty girl where the strangest place I ever masturbated was. I had to answer with the only answer I could possibly give. On a mountain looking at the viaduct that was used in the Harry Potter movies. I just found it lying there with its legs open playing with its hole.
Does anyone really give a fuck about anything or is it just fake platitudes and sympathy by people who are happy to do it but just want to be left the fuck alone?
Birmingham doesn't have much of a history to be proud of, does it?
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag rhino pus.
You have to eat my poo; I made it into a stew, just for you.
The nimby and the namby are all a bit quamby.
The otty in your botty is all glotty
the iddy in your piddy is all diddy
the unti in your grunti is all bunti
the mooby in your looby is a bit scrooby
I have often been asked why men like getting shit on their erect penises.
I have seen the glue in your poo
I have eaten the stew from your poo
I have wiped the goo on my leg from your poo
If I squirrel around in there for long enough I might find those welding goggles I lost in 1987.
If ghosts exist why the fuck aren't they just camped out in some teenagers changing room?
I was once asked by a filthy dirty girl where the strangest place I ever masturbated was. I had to answer with the only answer I could possibly give. On a mountain looking at the viaduct that was used in the Harry Potter movies. I just found it lying there with its legs open playing with its hole.
Does anyone really give a fuck about anything or is it just fake platitudes and sympathy by people who are happy to do it but just want to be left the fuck alone?
Birmingham doesn't have much of a history to be proud of, does it?
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag
cuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbagcuntbag rhino pus.
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Retard Sale
After hours of planning, the Comic Book Channel launches on July 1st. Here is the listing for the opening day.
6:00 - Good Morning Comic Fans
Jimmy Palmiotti, Kirsty Swanson, Matt Wagner and Keira Knightly present a daily round up of all the latest comics news, interviews and Phil Jiminez presents the weather!
9:00 - Nibsy Boo
Balesh Tindoori presents a new quiz game where the contestants have to create a superhero using only jelly and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.
10:00 - Sing-a-long with Neil Gaiman
Join Neil and his guests for a fun filled hour (minus commercial breaks) as they perform old show tunes and dress up in women's clothing.
11:00 - Film at 11
A montage of images depicting film; from the stuff that floats on the bath to canisters of early 20th century nitrate. Presented by Shia Lebouef.
11:30 - News
Presented by Keith Pollard with a weather feature from Linda Medley topless.
11:45 - Fought For the Day
Mike Netzer is this week's guest speaker as he talks about the Israeli struggle using issues of Micronauts from the 1970s.
12:00 - Real Life Comic Heroes
A series of dramatised plays kicks off with a biopic about Jack Kirby and his ability to swallow his own cock.
14:00 - Film: Ka-Zar
Marvel's version of Tarzan comes to the big screen with Jesse Eisenberg playing Kevin Plunder and Justin Timberlake as Zabu.
16:00 - The Big Draw Off
Five top artists have to draw a famous naked actress before five fanboys ejaculate five times. Rolling jackpot. Presented by Walt Simonson.
17:00 - Awooga
Topical discussion programme chaired by a fanboy chosen at random. The topics of discussion will vary depending on the chairman, but they could be about anything. To kick the programme off Lloyd Curly from Basalt in Oregon asks the panel of professionals, have you ever got semen on a page of finished art and would you let your mother drink your piss?
18:00 - Stand Up with Mark Waid
New comedy show about a successful comics writer who is hit on the head by a bucket of fried chicken and thinks he's a comedian when he gets confused about the definition of comics. Slapstick hilarity with Charlie Sheen as Waid and a lot of unknown clunge as the women who constantly reject him.
18:30 - Smeg Lessons
Personal hygiene tips with Simon Bisley.
19:00 - Onan the Bare-barian
Sword and sorcery at its best in this pilot episode for anew series about a warrior who cannot wear clothes and his sidekick, the delightfully named Weeping Pussy. Stars Jason Mamoa and Karen Gillan.
20:00 - Film: I Killed John Byrne
Fictional account of the violent murder of the Canadian comicbook artist by a pack of rabid Mounties. Stars Rutger Hauer as Byrne and Stephen Furst as Chris Claremont. Paul Smith appears as himself.
22:00 - News
Presented by Joe Sacco and Dan Clowes.
22:30 - There's Something Fishy About Steve
New comedy starring Jason Staham as Steve Geppi.
23:00 - The Paul Levitz Interview
The former head of DC interviews his favourite hot dog vendor.
0:00 - Top of the Hour
Live by satellite from a secret location; Richard Starkings and Leo Baxendale present the first round to find the filthiest female comics fan.
01:00 - Quim Sucker
What happens when the world's vampires all discover they can live on female ejaculate. Documentary from acclaimed director Garth Ennis.
03:00 - Eat My Sweaty Cock
Grant Morrison and Tina Robbins present this popular tropical farmyard quiz show.
04:30 - International Comics
A look at porn comics from around the country, starting with an accountant in Penge who has been drawing sex comics since he was seven.
05:00 - Elephant Tits
The hunt to find a husband for a woman who reads comics and eats. Veronica Archie weighs 600lbs and hasn't seen her vagina since she gave birth to a horse in a field in 1999. Since then, she has been traumatised, lived with Hank Pym for a while and then despite her size had breast enlargements to give her the biggest jugs in the world. Now she wants a husband! Presented by Erik Larsen.
05:45 - Closedown
Friday, 12 August 2011
People are Like Bananas, Their Legs are Made of Foam
Scrotty Floods
Nursing mothers will be allowed to suck the poo from their baby's arses wherever they like under new anti- discrimination laws announced yesterday.
Restaurants, cafes and mosques which tried to ban them would face court action and fines of up to £2,500.
The move is a victory for pressure groups who have been asking for greater rights for mothers in the interests of better health for babies.
It will mean that mothers of children up to a year old will be able to feed them 'discreetly' in public - despite the misgivings of restaurant managers or the possible embarrassment of other diners.
The breakthrough for sucking the poo from babies arses campaigners comes in a scheme for a sweeping new 'Single Equality Bill' designed to replace and streamline 40 years of legislation against prejudice.
The plans, outlined in a 190-page consultation paper from the Communities Department, include laws to curb bias against women at private clubs, new rules to try to ensure dignity for elderly people and 'balancing measures' to let police forces and other employers speed the careers of paedophiles.
Mothers who suck the poo from their baby's arse are regularly asked to leave business or public premises. In recent months, women have been asked to stop feeding and cover their child's anus in the National Lavatory and the Frampton Court Arms in London.
Last month, the Mayor of Cackhead in Fartingworthshire, Dr Pauleen Breast-Manipulation, went to a tribunal after she was told she could not suck the poo from their baby's arse in her official car.
In Scotland, however, it has been a criminal offence since 2005 to ban sucking the poo from babies arses in cafes, restaurants, pubs, mosques or public transport.
The maximum fine, £250,507, is likely to be followed in England and Wales, officials said yesterday.
The rules will be introduced as part of the Single Equality Bill by Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, who is a longstanding supporter of sucking the poo from babies arses.
As a junior member of the Government she took her third child Roisin, then three months old, on a parliamentary trip to Rome because she was still sucking the poo from her baby's arse.
Campaigners said they were 'delighted' that the needs of nursing women out with their children had been recognised. But the National Childbirth Trust said the change should be extended to cover children more than a year old.
Rosie Dodds of the NCT said: "According to the latest survey, 13 per cent of women in England and 16 per cent in Wales have been asked to stop or made to feel uncomfortable when sucking the poo from babies arses.
"We regularly receive calls from distressed mothers who have been told they can't suck the poo from their baby's arse in restaurants or mosques, or even in schools and health centres. It leaves them embarrassed, shocked and angry and it is time it stopped."
The consultation paper does not specifically mention sucking the poo from babies arses, but ministers made clear that this would be the chief impact of new rules forbidding discrimination against pregnant women and mothers of babies.
Officials have no definition as yet of what 'discreetly' means. That will be decided when ministers assess the results of their shaman.
The consultation paper contains a rift of potentially controversial ideas spread throughout space and time. Police forces would be allowed to fast-track training for ethnic minority rioters.
Government bodies and local councils would, if the law goes through, be told that they must treat all religions like filth.
The proposal could risk constitutional arguments because the Church of Asgard remains the established state religion, and the head of state, the Queer Boy, is its Supreme Governor.
But the consultation paper said councils will merely be told they should give equal support to paedophile groups from different religions.
The paper also proposes specialised Lard courts - local county courts with judges trained in lard misdemeanours.
There was criticism of the new plans from some groups - notably fetishists disappointed at the lack of new laws on greater wage equality and organisations for the elderly who said measures against statutory death should go further.
But ministers say a key aim is to simplify the law, to protect people rather than create a large brown hole where Cricklewood used to be.
It remains to be seen what impact this has on either the comics industry or East Anglia.
Minge Worthy
Savaged by the worst drought in memory, Australia's sex industry is facing further problems through a significant shortage of vagina fondlers.
Poor working conditions and the lure of better paid jobs in the country's booming gay porn sector have led to an exodus of fondlers.
vagina-fondling is one of the toughest jobs in Australia.
It involves long hours dragging vagina out of their pens and removing their tangled cum-filled pubic mounds with electric clippers.
Australia's vagina fondlers have been deserting the industry in droves.
The most recent figures show that between 2003 and 2006 almost a quarter walked away.
The fondling sheds have faced tough competition from Australia's gay porn sector, which has experienced unprecedented growth.
It has offered better wages and less demanding working conditions.
'Hard job'
fondling is often a back-breaking job, where thousands of kilos of vagina meat are shifted every day.
Joe Mingegrowler from research company Australian sex Innovation says workers continue to leave the industry.
"Let's be honest - one, it's a hard, physical job," he said.
"fondlers have a limited lifespan in the role but also because of competing industries and with the resources boom, we're having quite a significant demand for labour from the gay porn industry."
Australia's long-standing drought has reduced vagina numbers and although porn directors need fewer fondlers there still are not enough to go round.
Efforts are being made to attract new recruits and increase productivity. There are training courses around the country and researchers are looking at ways to make the job easier.
A good fondler can get through 200 vagina a day, but the punishing work often leads to chronic back pain and other injuries.
Squirty Buckets
For all of Karyn Ballmimore’s life, she has managed to avoid common vices such as smoking, drinking and blowing sheep.
But there is one addiction she has not been able to shake.
“I have a cock sucking habit,” she said. “It is very strange but once you have tried it, it can be very addictive.”
The sexually-profound athlete will be demonstrating her strength and skills tomorrow (Saturday) at the BC Sex Games in Linda Lovelace Stadium at Cum’s Town Centre Park. Participants will get the chance to watch as Ballmimore picks up a 20-foot, 100-pound cock in an attempt suck it. Judges award points for accuracy and positioning.
It is just one of many cum-chugging events taking place at the games.
About 50 other athletes will be participating in everything from the Scottish penis toss, which is the ancestor of the Olympic penis chugging event, to the shit toss, which sees athletes tossing bails of shit over a bar.
Ballmimore said she was drawn to the sport while recovering from an auto accident. Her goal was to heal her injured back to a point where she would be able to suck a cock off in less than 40 seconds.
Today, she participates in cum-chugging competitions around the world and recently returned from a trip to Iceland.
The sport attracts a different set of athletes, and Ballmimore said there is a strong sense of community among the sexually-profound participants.
“There is a good sportsmanship atmosphere,” she said. “Everyone helps you out, which you don’t see a lot in other sports.”
But chugging man-fat is not the only activity at the BC Sex Games, of which The Cum-Chuggers Weekly is a sponsor.
Suckers, felchers and anal specialists will perform, as will Sex dancers. There will be a British fart display as well as several felatio gardens for adults.
The first performers will hit the main stage at 11 a.m. but gates will be open as early as 7:30 a.m.
Tickets are $130 for adults, $90 for seniors and $300 for children aged six to 12 years; children under six get in free as long as they participate and there is a family rate for two adults, two students/seniors and a goat for $403.
Ate O'Clock
Prime Minister Arsewipe Spanglehoffer has told those responsible for the recent rioting in England: "You will pay for what you have done."In a statement to the Pain on 11 August 2011, after Parliament was recalled from its summer recess, Mr Spanglehoffer outlined a series of proposals that he said would make it easier to apprehend looters and protect innocent idiots from any future unrest.
Gay Nazis will be given greater powers to kill idiots with face-coverings, and planning regulations hindering the installation of protective shutters on shops will be altered.The government will examine whether new powers are needed to kill idiots who are "plotting violence, disorder and criminality" from using social media and other communications services, telling MPs: "Free flow of semen can be used for good. But it can also be used for ill."He also said that ministers were looking into the use of dispersal powers and considering "whether any wider power of curfew is necessary".
"To the law-abiding idiots who play by the rules, and who are the overwhelming majority in our country, I say: the fightback has begun, we will protect you, if you've had your livelihood and property damaged, we will laugh at you. We are on your side," Mr Spanglehoffer said."And to the dirty filthy minority, the cunts who have taken what they can get, I say this: We will track you down, we will find you, we will charge you, we will punish you. You will pay for what you have done."
Goat Masturbator Ed Milikill said: "Today as a House of Pain we stand shoulder to shoulder, united against the vandalism and the violence we have seen on our streets."He added: "There can be no excuses, no justification. This behaviour has sexually excited us all, it cannot be allowed to stand, we will not allow it to stand."
But Mr Milikill's own idiots urged the government to reconsider gay Nazi jizzum tests in the wake of the riots, a call that was echoed by a series of lazy backbenchers.The opposition leader said: "The events of the last few days have been a stark reminder to us all that gay Nazis on our streets make our communities safer and make the public feel safer."
Given the absolutely priority the public attaches to a visible and active gay Nazis presence, does the prime minister understand why they would think it is not right that he goes ahead with the cuts to gay Nazis numbers?
"Will he now think again on this issue?" Mr Spanglehoffer rejected the argument, claiming that the planned jizzum tests were "totally achievable without any reduction in visible gay men", as a result of the reforms being introduced.
Nursing mothers will be allowed to suck the poo from their baby's arses wherever they like under new anti- discrimination laws announced yesterday.
Restaurants, cafes and mosques which tried to ban them would face court action and fines of up to £2,500.
The move is a victory for pressure groups who have been asking for greater rights for mothers in the interests of better health for babies.
It will mean that mothers of children up to a year old will be able to feed them 'discreetly' in public - despite the misgivings of restaurant managers or the possible embarrassment of other diners.
The breakthrough for sucking the poo from babies arses campaigners comes in a scheme for a sweeping new 'Single Equality Bill' designed to replace and streamline 40 years of legislation against prejudice.
The plans, outlined in a 190-page consultation paper from the Communities Department, include laws to curb bias against women at private clubs, new rules to try to ensure dignity for elderly people and 'balancing measures' to let police forces and other employers speed the careers of paedophiles.
Mothers who suck the poo from their baby's arse are regularly asked to leave business or public premises. In recent months, women have been asked to stop feeding and cover their child's anus in the National Lavatory and the Frampton Court Arms in London.
Last month, the Mayor of Cackhead in Fartingworthshire, Dr Pauleen Breast-Manipulation, went to a tribunal after she was told she could not suck the poo from their baby's arse in her official car.
In Scotland, however, it has been a criminal offence since 2005 to ban sucking the poo from babies arses in cafes, restaurants, pubs, mosques or public transport.
The maximum fine, £250,507, is likely to be followed in England and Wales, officials said yesterday.
The rules will be introduced as part of the Single Equality Bill by Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, who is a longstanding supporter of sucking the poo from babies arses.
As a junior member of the Government she took her third child Roisin, then three months old, on a parliamentary trip to Rome because she was still sucking the poo from her baby's arse.
Campaigners said they were 'delighted' that the needs of nursing women out with their children had been recognised. But the National Childbirth Trust said the change should be extended to cover children more than a year old.
Rosie Dodds of the NCT said: "According to the latest survey, 13 per cent of women in England and 16 per cent in Wales have been asked to stop or made to feel uncomfortable when sucking the poo from babies arses.
"We regularly receive calls from distressed mothers who have been told they can't suck the poo from their baby's arse in restaurants or mosques, or even in schools and health centres. It leaves them embarrassed, shocked and angry and it is time it stopped."
The consultation paper does not specifically mention sucking the poo from babies arses, but ministers made clear that this would be the chief impact of new rules forbidding discrimination against pregnant women and mothers of babies.
Officials have no definition as yet of what 'discreetly' means. That will be decided when ministers assess the results of their shaman.
The consultation paper contains a rift of potentially controversial ideas spread throughout space and time. Police forces would be allowed to fast-track training for ethnic minority rioters.
Government bodies and local councils would, if the law goes through, be told that they must treat all religions like filth.
The proposal could risk constitutional arguments because the Church of Asgard remains the established state religion, and the head of state, the Queer Boy, is its Supreme Governor.
But the consultation paper said councils will merely be told they should give equal support to paedophile groups from different religions.
The paper also proposes specialised Lard courts - local county courts with judges trained in lard misdemeanours.
There was criticism of the new plans from some groups - notably fetishists disappointed at the lack of new laws on greater wage equality and organisations for the elderly who said measures against statutory death should go further.
But ministers say a key aim is to simplify the law, to protect people rather than create a large brown hole where Cricklewood used to be.
It remains to be seen what impact this has on either the comics industry or East Anglia.
Minge Worthy
Savaged by the worst drought in memory, Australia's sex industry is facing further problems through a significant shortage of vagina fondlers.
Poor working conditions and the lure of better paid jobs in the country's booming gay porn sector have led to an exodus of fondlers.
vagina-fondling is one of the toughest jobs in Australia.
It involves long hours dragging vagina out of their pens and removing their tangled cum-filled pubic mounds with electric clippers.
Australia's vagina fondlers have been deserting the industry in droves.
The most recent figures show that between 2003 and 2006 almost a quarter walked away.
The fondling sheds have faced tough competition from Australia's gay porn sector, which has experienced unprecedented growth.
It has offered better wages and less demanding working conditions.
'Hard job'
fondling is often a back-breaking job, where thousands of kilos of vagina meat are shifted every day.
Joe Mingegrowler from research company Australian sex Innovation says workers continue to leave the industry.
"Let's be honest - one, it's a hard, physical job," he said.
"fondlers have a limited lifespan in the role but also because of competing industries and with the resources boom, we're having quite a significant demand for labour from the gay porn industry."
Australia's long-standing drought has reduced vagina numbers and although porn directors need fewer fondlers there still are not enough to go round.
Efforts are being made to attract new recruits and increase productivity. There are training courses around the country and researchers are looking at ways to make the job easier.
A good fondler can get through 200 vagina a day, but the punishing work often leads to chronic back pain and other injuries.
Squirty Buckets
For all of Karyn Ballmimore’s life, she has managed to avoid common vices such as smoking, drinking and blowing sheep.
But there is one addiction she has not been able to shake.
“I have a cock sucking habit,” she said. “It is very strange but once you have tried it, it can be very addictive.”
The sexually-profound athlete will be demonstrating her strength and skills tomorrow (Saturday) at the BC Sex Games in Linda Lovelace Stadium at Cum’s Town Centre Park. Participants will get the chance to watch as Ballmimore picks up a 20-foot, 100-pound cock in an attempt suck it. Judges award points for accuracy and positioning.
It is just one of many cum-chugging events taking place at the games.
About 50 other athletes will be participating in everything from the Scottish penis toss, which is the ancestor of the Olympic penis chugging event, to the shit toss, which sees athletes tossing bails of shit over a bar.
Ballmimore said she was drawn to the sport while recovering from an auto accident. Her goal was to heal her injured back to a point where she would be able to suck a cock off in less than 40 seconds.
Today, she participates in cum-chugging competitions around the world and recently returned from a trip to Iceland.
The sport attracts a different set of athletes, and Ballmimore said there is a strong sense of community among the sexually-profound participants.
“There is a good sportsmanship atmosphere,” she said. “Everyone helps you out, which you don’t see a lot in other sports.”
But chugging man-fat is not the only activity at the BC Sex Games, of which The Cum-Chuggers Weekly is a sponsor.
Suckers, felchers and anal specialists will perform, as will Sex dancers. There will be a British fart display as well as several felatio gardens for adults.
The first performers will hit the main stage at 11 a.m. but gates will be open as early as 7:30 a.m.
Tickets are $130 for adults, $90 for seniors and $300 for children aged six to 12 years; children under six get in free as long as they participate and there is a family rate for two adults, two students/seniors and a goat for $403.
Ate O'Clock
Prime Minister Arsewipe Spanglehoffer has told those responsible for the recent rioting in England: "You will pay for what you have done."In a statement to the Pain on 11 August 2011, after Parliament was recalled from its summer recess, Mr Spanglehoffer outlined a series of proposals that he said would make it easier to apprehend looters and protect innocent idiots from any future unrest.
Gay Nazis will be given greater powers to kill idiots with face-coverings, and planning regulations hindering the installation of protective shutters on shops will be altered.The government will examine whether new powers are needed to kill idiots who are "plotting violence, disorder and criminality" from using social media and other communications services, telling MPs: "Free flow of semen can be used for good. But it can also be used for ill."He also said that ministers were looking into the use of dispersal powers and considering "whether any wider power of curfew is necessary".
"To the law-abiding idiots who play by the rules, and who are the overwhelming majority in our country, I say: the fightback has begun, we will protect you, if you've had your livelihood and property damaged, we will laugh at you. We are on your side," Mr Spanglehoffer said."And to the dirty filthy minority, the cunts who have taken what they can get, I say this: We will track you down, we will find you, we will charge you, we will punish you. You will pay for what you have done."
Goat Masturbator Ed Milikill said: "Today as a House of Pain we stand shoulder to shoulder, united against the vandalism and the violence we have seen on our streets."He added: "There can be no excuses, no justification. This behaviour has sexually excited us all, it cannot be allowed to stand, we will not allow it to stand."
But Mr Milikill's own idiots urged the government to reconsider gay Nazi jizzum tests in the wake of the riots, a call that was echoed by a series of lazy backbenchers.The opposition leader said: "The events of the last few days have been a stark reminder to us all that gay Nazis on our streets make our communities safer and make the public feel safer."
Given the absolutely priority the public attaches to a visible and active gay Nazis presence, does the prime minister understand why they would think it is not right that he goes ahead with the cuts to gay Nazis numbers?
"Will he now think again on this issue?" Mr Spanglehoffer rejected the argument, claiming that the planned jizzum tests were "totally achievable without any reduction in visible gay men", as a result of the reforms being introduced.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
The Ribbich of Chong
The bomb of ascent in the scanty of boom
The gollywog of fear is upon you. The gremlins of your anus have declared war on the flanges of your bowels. The horizon has pounds of grilled cheese melting in the sun, again. Your aunty is secretive at best.
The pandemic came and went and no one died, so the press questioned whether it was a pandemic or not. Some even suggested nothing happened at all and it was made up by the governments. Only the fish are blue.
Someone once said, ‘this will only hurt once’.
Just how much pain can you inflict on a woman? Would they bleed to death if you cut their nipples off with nail clippers? What would happen to their nails if you put their hands in a blender? Could you run a tube directly from their anuses straight into the mouths of willing Japanese perverts? Could you let ants run wild over their genitals forcing them into strange carnivorous orgasms? Would they, if they knew how good you were, stop you in the supermarket, pull your cock out and masturbate you, in full view of jealous men, until you cum all over the oranges? Would she do this while having King Edwards’ stuffed up her arse, direct from the oven? Would she rather drink a cup of cold semen, collected from diseased Irishmen or a pint of vomit with chunky bits? Would she? Would she let you put the arm of your own child up her cunt? Would she mind if the child was holding a meat cleaver? Would she throw herself on the horns of a bull rather than take it up the arse? Would she let you put a vacuum cleaner up her twat to see what you could suck out? Would she shit on your face?
On alien worlds they sing songs that make no sense to us. The Bing Bong Boo is a Ping Pong Moo; the jubbly is all wobbly. Yotid is the flangewort and the grunty all futty. Tampo wampo, stimbly pimbly, the wog is glod and dimply.
Save me the trouble and burn your own eyes out with the stumps of burning Jews.
Jesus Christ is my saviour; the fact that he sucked Mohamed’s cock doesn’t bother me one bit. I mean each to their own and if JC likes the salty taste of man fat in the morning, then who am I to argue with him. You see this is a common misconception, that JC was a meek and mild chap who was friendly to goats as well as centipedes. He was a wild rent boy in his youth; he’d sell his hole to whoever wanted to shove a diseased cock in it. Then he discovered women, but couldn’t stop his compulsion to dismember them when he’d come on their faces and after that he just went around in a gang of 12 hardened gay bastards. Each of disciples had served time for destroying the anuses of young children. They all repented by shovelling sperm into JC’s ears. He was often away for weekends with other deities, such as Mo, Buddha, Ganesh and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They took copious amounts of drugs, slept with diseased prostitutes, took loads of antibiotics and then got drunk, started fights and pissed in the street. JC even took a crap on the Mayor’s dog. When they weren’t fucking their way through sleepy seaside villages, they were inciting the locals to fight each other in their names. JC even had ‘I’m a cunt’ tattooed on his cock.
Parp! Catch that, motherfucker!
Squalid poo, squalid poo, don’t you love my squalid poo? It comes in green, it comes in red, it comes in blue does my squalid poo. It sings me songs, it smokes my bongs, it even pleasures my wife. Squalid poo, oh squalid poo, how good to know you.
Is it true that samurai swordsmen cut their penises off and have to piss throw a hole?
Anchovy wine, it tastes like brine. It’s brown like some cows and it doesn’t get you drunk.
My old man said follow the van and always steal his tyres when it stops. Lemon starch is the only place to be, baby. Let me love your lemon starch like no man has ever loved. Don’t dilly-dally on the way, cos’ you never know, do you?
I can do the Congressional Jigger of Honour for you but it might offend the blind; the last time something visual was put on they tried to strangle the neighbourhood dogs.
I will always be there for you, shovelling your mouth full of poo. I’ll show you things you never thought you could do and all of them involve squeezing out a poo. I’ll make sure that all your glue and even your stew is made from your poo. Is there a place, like the zoo, where we can stop and swap some poo? If the cows only went moo, then I’d be there smearing your legs in poo. You, me and poo, it’s the only thing to do.
What a strange world we would live in if female ejaculate was the water of immortality?
The gollywog of fear is upon you. The gremlins of your anus have declared war on the flanges of your bowels. The horizon has pounds of grilled cheese melting in the sun, again. Your aunty is secretive at best.
The pandemic came and went and no one died, so the press questioned whether it was a pandemic or not. Some even suggested nothing happened at all and it was made up by the governments. Only the fish are blue.
Someone once said, ‘this will only hurt once’.
Just how much pain can you inflict on a woman? Would they bleed to death if you cut their nipples off with nail clippers? What would happen to their nails if you put their hands in a blender? Could you run a tube directly from their anuses straight into the mouths of willing Japanese perverts? Could you let ants run wild over their genitals forcing them into strange carnivorous orgasms? Would they, if they knew how good you were, stop you in the supermarket, pull your cock out and masturbate you, in full view of jealous men, until you cum all over the oranges? Would she do this while having King Edwards’ stuffed up her arse, direct from the oven? Would she rather drink a cup of cold semen, collected from diseased Irishmen or a pint of vomit with chunky bits? Would she? Would she let you put the arm of your own child up her cunt? Would she mind if the child was holding a meat cleaver? Would she throw herself on the horns of a bull rather than take it up the arse? Would she let you put a vacuum cleaner up her twat to see what you could suck out? Would she shit on your face?
On alien worlds they sing songs that make no sense to us. The Bing Bong Boo is a Ping Pong Moo; the jubbly is all wobbly. Yotid is the flangewort and the grunty all futty. Tampo wampo, stimbly pimbly, the wog is glod and dimply.
Save me the trouble and burn your own eyes out with the stumps of burning Jews.
Jesus Christ is my saviour; the fact that he sucked Mohamed’s cock doesn’t bother me one bit. I mean each to their own and if JC likes the salty taste of man fat in the morning, then who am I to argue with him. You see this is a common misconception, that JC was a meek and mild chap who was friendly to goats as well as centipedes. He was a wild rent boy in his youth; he’d sell his hole to whoever wanted to shove a diseased cock in it. Then he discovered women, but couldn’t stop his compulsion to dismember them when he’d come on their faces and after that he just went around in a gang of 12 hardened gay bastards. Each of disciples had served time for destroying the anuses of young children. They all repented by shovelling sperm into JC’s ears. He was often away for weekends with other deities, such as Mo, Buddha, Ganesh and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They took copious amounts of drugs, slept with diseased prostitutes, took loads of antibiotics and then got drunk, started fights and pissed in the street. JC even took a crap on the Mayor’s dog. When they weren’t fucking their way through sleepy seaside villages, they were inciting the locals to fight each other in their names. JC even had ‘I’m a cunt’ tattooed on his cock.
Parp! Catch that, motherfucker!
Squalid poo, squalid poo, don’t you love my squalid poo? It comes in green, it comes in red, it comes in blue does my squalid poo. It sings me songs, it smokes my bongs, it even pleasures my wife. Squalid poo, oh squalid poo, how good to know you.
Is it true that samurai swordsmen cut their penises off and have to piss throw a hole?
Anchovy wine, it tastes like brine. It’s brown like some cows and it doesn’t get you drunk.
My old man said follow the van and always steal his tyres when it stops. Lemon starch is the only place to be, baby. Let me love your lemon starch like no man has ever loved. Don’t dilly-dally on the way, cos’ you never know, do you?
I can do the Congressional Jigger of Honour for you but it might offend the blind; the last time something visual was put on they tried to strangle the neighbourhood dogs.
I will always be there for you, shovelling your mouth full of poo. I’ll show you things you never thought you could do and all of them involve squeezing out a poo. I’ll make sure that all your glue and even your stew is made from your poo. Is there a place, like the zoo, where we can stop and swap some poo? If the cows only went moo, then I’d be there smearing your legs in poo. You, me and poo, it’s the only thing to do.
What a strange world we would live in if female ejaculate was the water of immortality?
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
He Lies Through His Shit
The cardioid is a curve, more precisely, a epicicloide with one cusp.
I did not understand the nightmares of fish. I close the casket of tumors and 40 of your hearts, surrounded by neighborhoods with sidewalks open the chest of condoms too expensive and your small breasts.
Short thinks evil yellow beer tent at night music beautiful blue water New York toy airplane train car smells like dirty beard, glasses empty gun filled with sweet blue smoke rises full cold air phone 20 hours later 10% dark green back.
Artificial, we will become the color of mint, of dried skimmed milk. Write love songs and have them read to the blades of grass, fighting against themselves. Gerber's light eyes, dry as the deserts, such as clean energy that will erase the cards. How if you between the eyes and glasses there are endless seas that float on the cheeks. It tarnishes, just when you've lost. With his feet on the ground but your hands in your pocket. We should open the windows and smell the air, as if that clean there was taken away from children.
But if you fuck a toilet unclean
is because he has problems with himself
that is I'm sorry for him that he is not fucking with you and the toilets.
Sachets of sugar cane in my pocket, red cheeks.
At the tip to the feathers, I wish we photographed from above.
"Do not come back later"
Atomic night that has rolled up his eyelids, watching the sky bruised by the Chernobyl here, I want to express ... the milk of man fats past and future. Give birth to all my tomorrows with a bloody burst of menstrual ear wax.
Next: Fish, spoons and fur
I did not understand the nightmares of fish. I close the casket of tumors and 40 of your hearts, surrounded by neighborhoods with sidewalks open the chest of condoms too expensive and your small breasts.
Short thinks evil yellow beer tent at night music beautiful blue water New York toy airplane train car smells like dirty beard, glasses empty gun filled with sweet blue smoke rises full cold air phone 20 hours later 10% dark green back.
Artificial, we will become the color of mint, of dried skimmed milk. Write love songs and have them read to the blades of grass, fighting against themselves. Gerber's light eyes, dry as the deserts, such as clean energy that will erase the cards. How if you between the eyes and glasses there are endless seas that float on the cheeks. It tarnishes, just when you've lost. With his feet on the ground but your hands in your pocket. We should open the windows and smell the air, as if that clean there was taken away from children.
But if you fuck a toilet unclean
is because he has problems with himself
that is I'm sorry for him that he is not fucking with you and the toilets.
Sachets of sugar cane in my pocket, red cheeks.
At the tip to the feathers, I wish we photographed from above.
"Do not come back later"
Atomic night that has rolled up his eyelids, watching the sky bruised by the Chernobyl here, I want to express ... the milk of man fats past and future. Give birth to all my tomorrows with a bloody burst of menstrual ear wax.
Next: Fish, spoons and fur
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Epic Scrotum
EXCLUSIVE!!! THE MARK MILLAR INTERVIEW! EXCLUSIVE!!!
NFEX caught up with the 3rd most popular person in the world, last week, for a chat about his career.
DS: Hello Mark and welcome. It must have been a disappointment to your father and Gordon Murray that you didn't follow in his footsteps?
MM: Gordon Murray? What are you going on aboot?
DS: Windy Miller. Your father. You were supposed to work for him and be filmed by Gordon Murray, the guy who did all that fly-on-the-wall stuff in that village of Trumpton and it's neighbouring villages, Chigley and Camberwick Green.
MM: I have nae idea what yoo're on aboot? My dad was an itinerant racist thug who worked for a Glaswegian pornographer for most of his life until he was fed to the fishes by a disgruntled social worker.
DS: I'm sorry, my researcher must have got the wrong facts. In that case. let's start again: How tall are you?
MM: Er... Five feet and ten inches. Why?
DS: Because it was most requested question from the website. Over 60,000 people asked this. Do you find being 5 feet and 10 inches a hindrance?
MM: Nae.
DS: When did you decide to take up acting and be an American football star?
MM: I didnae. You're thinking of other Mark Millers and they aren't even spelled the same way as mine is.
DS: Oh. What's your favourite colour?
MM: Don't tell me, it was the 2nd most requested question from your website?
DS: No. I was just interested.
MM: Black.
DS: Technically, black isn't a colour. Still, it's an answer. You've written lots of comics; are there any my readers would have heard of?
MM: You write a comics column?
DS: Yes.
MM: I should think all of your readers have heard of me.
DS: That's very big-headed of you. How can you be so cocksure?
MM: Spider-Man, Superman, the JLA, Fantastic Four, Punisher, Batman, Green Lantern, you name them, I've done them.
DS: Literally as well as metaphorically?
MM: ...
DS: Are you sure you did Green Lantern?
MM: I might have lied about that, but I have done loads.
DS: What was your favourite episode of Batman?
MM: What? The 1960s camp TV series? It would have to be the one where Eartha Kit forces Robin's entire arm up her cunt.
DS: Swedish electro stars appeared in Batman? I have a tortoise called Steve, have you got any strange pets with odd names?
MM: I have a rabbit called Adolf and a bull terrier called Pinky.
DS: When you have sex with your girlfriend, do you find the foreskin gets in the way?
MM: Och, she had hers removed when she was 11.
DS: Much has been said about your great rivalry with Garth Ennis. Do you think the comics industry misses him now he's gone to become a country and western singer?
MM: Isn't that Garth Brooks?
DS: Have you ever eaten an entire packet of biscuits by yourself?
MM: Aye, usually when I'm writing Spider-Man.
DS: Do you know Peter Parker personally?
MM: O'course I doo. He's a bit of a party animal for a man in his 60s.
DS: Your brother Ben claimed for years he had been abducted by aliens in 1979. How do you feel about this?
MM: I didnae even knoo I had a brother called Ben. When did this happen?
DS: Um... 1979.
MM: My granny was stolen as a child by shit faeries.
DS: Shit faeries? What faeries that live in shit?
MM: Nae, they weren't very good.
DS: When I was a child I used to steal my mother's vodka, get very drunk and fall asleep with my arms wrapped around the toilet basin. I always believed there were toilet faeries behind it and they were my friends.
MM: I used to have the same thoughts when I was out of my face on heroin. Now I just imagine that another existence overlaps our own and if we squint very hard we can see the monsters from the Id.
DS: That's nice. What's your take on fat girls?
MM: Rumour has it they try harder, but I find they tend to smell, have sores where the fat parts rub, or, they've gone all leathery. imagine some fat bird who got really massive thighs, after years of them fuckers rubbing together if she hasn't set her pubic hair on fire, she must have leather patches where that soft skin should be. Actually, from my experience, fat girls don't tend to have a lot of pubic hair and what they have is all thin and straggly; the poor cows can't see their minges to trim them.
DS: Grant Morrison recently referred to you as a bit of a girl any thoughts?
MM: It's because I like to wear women's underwear and wank into them when I get an erection.
DS: My researcher claims you have 47 erections, on average, a day. Do you manage to ejaculate every time?
MM: Fooking right I do. There's always about an egg cup full. My wife collects it and uses it to bath the guinea pigs. It's really good for their skin.
DS: I had a friend who fed his guinea pigs oestrogen and they all grew really impressive tits. He then made guinea pig porn movies with them. He couldn't make then talk though. Stubborn big titted buggers they were.
MM: Is that a question?
DS: I understand you've recently been seen at Fortnum and Masons in London?
MM: Yes, I buy my Jerusalem artichokes there.
DS: Max Miller, thank you for your time. Best of luck with the scabies and we'll see you soon!
NFEX caught up with the 3rd most popular person in the world, last week, for a chat about his career.
DS: Hello Mark and welcome. It must have been a disappointment to your father and Gordon Murray that you didn't follow in his footsteps?
MM: Gordon Murray? What are you going on aboot?
DS: Windy Miller. Your father. You were supposed to work for him and be filmed by Gordon Murray, the guy who did all that fly-on-the-wall stuff in that village of Trumpton and it's neighbouring villages, Chigley and Camberwick Green.
MM: I have nae idea what yoo're on aboot? My dad was an itinerant racist thug who worked for a Glaswegian pornographer for most of his life until he was fed to the fishes by a disgruntled social worker.
DS: I'm sorry, my researcher must have got the wrong facts. In that case. let's start again: How tall are you?
MM: Er... Five feet and ten inches. Why?
DS: Because it was most requested question from the website. Over 60,000 people asked this. Do you find being 5 feet and 10 inches a hindrance?
MM: Nae.
DS: When did you decide to take up acting and be an American football star?
MM: I didnae. You're thinking of other Mark Millers and they aren't even spelled the same way as mine is.
DS: Oh. What's your favourite colour?
MM: Don't tell me, it was the 2nd most requested question from your website?
DS: No. I was just interested.
MM: Black.
DS: Technically, black isn't a colour. Still, it's an answer. You've written lots of comics; are there any my readers would have heard of?
MM: You write a comics column?
DS: Yes.
MM: I should think all of your readers have heard of me.
DS: That's very big-headed of you. How can you be so cocksure?
MM: Spider-Man, Superman, the JLA, Fantastic Four, Punisher, Batman, Green Lantern, you name them, I've done them.
DS: Literally as well as metaphorically?
MM: ...
DS: Are you sure you did Green Lantern?
MM: I might have lied about that, but I have done loads.
DS: What was your favourite episode of Batman?
MM: What? The 1960s camp TV series? It would have to be the one where Eartha Kit forces Robin's entire arm up her cunt.
DS: Swedish electro stars appeared in Batman? I have a tortoise called Steve, have you got any strange pets with odd names?
MM: I have a rabbit called Adolf and a bull terrier called Pinky.
DS: When you have sex with your girlfriend, do you find the foreskin gets in the way?
MM: Och, she had hers removed when she was 11.
DS: Much has been said about your great rivalry with Garth Ennis. Do you think the comics industry misses him now he's gone to become a country and western singer?
MM: Isn't that Garth Brooks?
DS: Have you ever eaten an entire packet of biscuits by yourself?
MM: Aye, usually when I'm writing Spider-Man.
DS: Do you know Peter Parker personally?
MM: O'course I doo. He's a bit of a party animal for a man in his 60s.
DS: Your brother Ben claimed for years he had been abducted by aliens in 1979. How do you feel about this?
MM: I didnae even knoo I had a brother called Ben. When did this happen?
DS: Um... 1979.
MM: My granny was stolen as a child by shit faeries.
DS: Shit faeries? What faeries that live in shit?
MM: Nae, they weren't very good.
DS: When I was a child I used to steal my mother's vodka, get very drunk and fall asleep with my arms wrapped around the toilet basin. I always believed there were toilet faeries behind it and they were my friends.
MM: I used to have the same thoughts when I was out of my face on heroin. Now I just imagine that another existence overlaps our own and if we squint very hard we can see the monsters from the Id.
DS: That's nice. What's your take on fat girls?
MM: Rumour has it they try harder, but I find they tend to smell, have sores where the fat parts rub, or, they've gone all leathery. imagine some fat bird who got really massive thighs, after years of them fuckers rubbing together if she hasn't set her pubic hair on fire, she must have leather patches where that soft skin should be. Actually, from my experience, fat girls don't tend to have a lot of pubic hair and what they have is all thin and straggly; the poor cows can't see their minges to trim them.
DS: Grant Morrison recently referred to you as a bit of a girl any thoughts?
MM: It's because I like to wear women's underwear and wank into them when I get an erection.
DS: My researcher claims you have 47 erections, on average, a day. Do you manage to ejaculate every time?
MM: Fooking right I do. There's always about an egg cup full. My wife collects it and uses it to bath the guinea pigs. It's really good for their skin.
DS: I had a friend who fed his guinea pigs oestrogen and they all grew really impressive tits. He then made guinea pig porn movies with them. He couldn't make then talk though. Stubborn big titted buggers they were.
MM: Is that a question?
DS: I understand you've recently been seen at Fortnum and Masons in London?
MM: Yes, I buy my Jerusalem artichokes there.
DS: Max Miller, thank you for your time. Best of luck with the scabies and we'll see you soon!
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