Wart Terror

The Headlines:

• It's cold in Siberia
• Europeans are more likely to speak Dutch
• Children are smaller than adults unless they are midgets
• The sun is far far away
• Mable is a girl's name not used as much as it was
• Cigarettes are not food
• Governments are not made of plastic
• Cars are dangerous
• Seven is a prime number
• Never trust a man with egg on his face
• Newsreaders are often in a state of flux
• Seven is a prime number
• Star Trek is fictional at the moment
• Bruce Banner is an alliteration
• Mammary glands are attractive to certain people
• Dominoes can be used as doorstops
• Peanut butter has no butter in it
• Barack Obama is technically not a typical American name
• Horses are fond of cress
• Chefs are unkind
• TV is a form of entertainment
• Larches are indigenous British trees
• Seventeen is a prime number
• Quails lay eggs
• Dung beetles are not made of shit
• Slaven Bilic is Croatian
• Homosexuals tend to be well dressed
• Tall is a relative term
• Rain is melted snow
• Brain doesn't have muscles
• Frog spawn is not made of jelly
• David is a boy's name
• Canals are not rivers
• An ejaculation travels at 22 miles per hour
• Corduroy is a strange word
• 27 is NOT a prime number
• Bread is a food stuff
• Pus is inedible
• Feet smell if encased in plastic
• Spelling is relatively important
• Ducks lay eggs
• Chinese people look differently to people from Belgium
• Cricket is both a game and an insect
• Faecal matter is generally unpleasant to clean your teeth with
• Cows are not sacred
• I know people with problems
• A tempest is a storm
• A tampon is a collection vessel
• Glass is made from sand
• David Cronenberg is a film director
• Jack Kirby is still dead
• Rugby is a town and a sport
• Edam is a cheese
• Insanity is madness
• Eggs are protein
• Stew is a thick soup
• Rabbits have ears
• Walls have ears
• Corn has ears
• Ears have wigs
• Car stereos are becoming obsolete
• Vagrants tend to be homeless people with beards
• Hair is dead
• Teeth do not itch
• Is Nova Scotia an island?
• Hallowed be thy name
• Pain is unpleasant unless you are a masochist
• Stealing is theft
• God is a DJ
• Black hole sun is a misnomer
• Printers are cheaper than peripherals
• Women have vaginas
• Platypus is an egg laying mammal
• Coffee is a drink
• Toes are on the end of feet
• Men struggle to find clitorises
• Swine fever
• Zeppelins are an outmoded form of travel
• Cans are made of tin
• Potatoes are food
• 16 is a fair and legal age for sexual intercourse
• Political parties have ideological differences
• People are unpleasant
• 7 is a prime number
• Hearts are prone to attack
• Kidneys get stoned
• Venom is snake poison
• Comics are generally made of paper
• Worms die if you cut them in half
• Flour is an interesting contraceptive
• Horses do not have feathers
• It is very dry in the Atacama desert
• Saliva grows in your mouth
• Mushrooms are an entirely different life form than mammals
• Cold is the opposite of hot
• Lukewarm doesn't always mean temperature
• Some gay men have a fear of shit
• Horses have bigger cocks than chickens
• A woman discharges over 3 pints of unctuous liquid every year
• Squids are not sexual apparatus
• God probably doesn't exist and if he did he wouldn't approve of unnatural sex acts
• You cannot find a heart valve in an old radio
• Ice rinks are dangerous
• Humans will do increasingly strange things to orgasm
• Muslims are as bad as the rest of us
• Or alternatively, we're as bad as Muslims
• Hell is a state of mind
• Most men would run away if presented with their heart's desire
• Most women would fuck it silly
• Seven is a film by David Fincher
• Most women only have anal sex because their partners want to
• Hats are useful
• Rats are clean by comparison
• A dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's
• Sucking a used tampon is probably not wise
• Piles are nature's way of telling you you crap too much
• A yo-yo is a toy
• Violins are small violas
• Kraft make poor cheese
• Hake is a fish
• New Zealand is very far away
• Star wars is fiction
• Rape is illegal in some countries
• Nipples do not shatter when frozen
• Bye

Rate My Children's Genitals

Knobchys

The news that Charlie Adlard has stolen the corpses of both Mike Wieringo and Mike Turner and is fucking both of them until his penis gets sore has angered a number of Parent Teachers Associations in Atlanta. Mrs Argobast, the senior advisor to the PTA said, "What kind of message is this sending out to our children?"

Steve Gerber was contacted by medium and was asked how he felt about dead comics creators being violated in such a way, he said, "Why does this never happen to me?"

Liam Sharp, another English fellow, said, "Huh, Charlie, he Ad Lard and now he travels. Ad Lard and travels? Geddit?"

Someone close to Mike Wieringo - his dead grandfather - said through some Muslim gauze that he felt that his grandson would appreciate his rectum being used in such a disrespectful way. "He always liked having things put up his backside. We were always pulling Lego bricks from out of it when he was a child."

Eleven Pounds of Anus Flesh

Tom Sutton might be the latest in a long line of comics artists to be dead. Arthur Adams said recently on Conan O'Brien that it was a curse and that people who worked in comics seemed destined to die, yet Stan Lee is still going strong. It must be an indication that most of what Lee did wasn't really classed as comics.

Adam Schlagman's Vagina Feast

Andres Alves has been outed as the latest boyfriend of Bob Fingerman and is believed to really like taking it up the backside. This led Conchita Alves, Andres' mother to ask the question, "why do some men like getting really stinking shit on their penises. Surely it is unhealthy and who would want to put it in their mouths once it is smeared with another man's bum do?"

That's a good question. I've been gay for most of my life, but I now believe it just means that I'm happy and carefree rather than a liker of man on man love.

The Girl with the Elongated Penis

Dan Brereton has revealed for the first time that he felates rabbits and has been doing so for a number of years. He claims it helps with his artwork technique and means he can prolong his own ejaculations for up to a year. He denies learning all he knows from Jim Starlin, but says they both did a lot of drugs during Secret Wars.

Mashed Warts

You have been warned.

Save My Lettuce

David Beckham and Ashley Wood are to perform operations on homeless children for a studio audience in Mexico in January. Beckham, 44, was hoping for someone more famous, but had to settle for a semi-famous man who copies other styles.

Beans are Good

Drew Rausch is having his spleen removed for charity and it is being replaced by a rat that has had it's teeth and eyes removed.

Hick Banana

I always thought Hilary Barta was a woman; even though he doesn't have a penis to speak of.

Dave the Boring Cola

Bob McLeod has admitted that he spent many years in the 1980s taking cocaine and screwing 13 year old girls, even admitting that many of the girls really didn't enjoy his cum in their faces or in their ears. McLeod, now serving 100 years in a state plenipotentiary for raping his grandmother and forcing his dog to have sex with his children is believed to be highly mentally unstable and not the same Bob McLeod who worked for Marvel Comics...

Try This

Jamie Rich made his money from child prostitution. Apparently he wasn't very good at fucking, but if he took his teeth out he could give a mean blow job.

You all smell of piss

Fucking the Carcass of God

Silly Things Gay Men Say...

I don't mind having sex with women as long as they don't mind having their arseholes ripped to shreds and having a mastectomy first.

It might look like chocolate, but it doesn't smell like it.

Ooh, he's done a woopsie on the carpet.

Can you suck my cock without grunting like a turkey?

There's a difference between being gay and sticking gerbils up your bum.

I don't like women, they smell.

All men are gay, some more than me.

Tom Hanks was only pretending to be gay; he never took one up the arse for his art.

Australians are really good at homosexuality.

I can understand why heterosexual men like women, but they discharge far more.

Lesbians are just sick.

All gay men like coffee.

If you suffer from piles I'm not sticking my cock in you.

If Superman was gay there wouldn't be any gay men left.

Contrary to what they tell you, most gay men are paedophiles.

However, most paedophiles are not necessarily gay.

I knew a woman once who liked taking it up the arse - was she gay?

Having a cock up one's bottom is a little like IBS.

A lot of gay men are really camp and irritating.

Things A Paedophile President of the USA Might Say...

I'm in charge, give me naked children.

I'm in charge, give me masked naked children so i don't have to look at their faces while I'm fucking them.

I'm in charge, bum Russia now.

My wife doesn't understand me and my children run away when I get close to the house.

I have a lot in common with Richard Nixon, except he was corrupt.

I like to masturbate to children's television.

My chief of staff supplies me with a lot of 6 year olds.

If there's one thing I hate about being president, its the bad grammar.

Things Dorothy L Sayers Whispered to Her Dog...

I like having sex with you' you have a very strange penis.

My books are all about sucking animals cocks.

I like having ice rubbed on my nipples; ice made from dogs' urine.

I have a lot in common with you, I like to drag my arse along the floor rather than use toilet paper.

I wish I had a cock so you could lick it.

Are you staying for tea or do I have to suffer again?

Items of Clothing That Paul Levitz Has Been Arrested For Stealing...

A bra.

A tin of cod roe.

Five.

Knickers.

A dog collar encrusted with excrement.

My wife.

A heavy metal sweatshirt.

Bad spelling.

A coat made from leeches.

A four year old girl's leotard after she had an accident.

A microscopic piece of Barbara Streisand's underwear.

Nice tea.

The Last Time Elvis Presley Farted These things Appeared in Memphis...

Lard in tin cups.

Cupid pictures.

A Tennis racket covered in whale sperm.

A doughnut.

More doughnuts, this time covered in iron filings.

The Nashville Teens.

A big dollop of pooh.

Nasal hair.

A collection of pornographic out takes from Star Trek films.

Bill Oddie.

Part of Kate Moss's arteriolar.

The nipple of doom.

Brasso.

Things Jesus Liked to insert into the end of his Penis...

Donkeys

Elves

Machine gun bullets

German film makers

Yoghurt with dried fruit

Cunts

Mary's discharge

John the Baptist's tongue

JRR Tolkien

Lamb

Tweed jackets

Horse flesh

Naan breads

Itching powder

Plane Tree root

Roofing tiles

Spaghetti - cooked

A yard broom

Black men

Rhesus monkeys

How to Wash a Troll...

Karen Brady

Karen Carpenter

Mary Chapin Carpenter

Helen Baxendale

Jennifer Jason Leigh

John Lassiter

Buzz Lightyear

Cory Haim

Morgo Vittenson

Peter Jackson

Desmond Dekker

Steve the Alligator

A pair of soiled Jeans - Simmons and Boht

Ill fitting scarves

Nanoseconds

Desperate measures

The Last Time A Gay Jesus Appeared in a Film about Kiddie Fiddlers...

A book of lists

Cartoonists with incurable diseases

Bacon fat

Blue Peter presenters sniffing gussets

Sesame Street gets banned because of sperm jokes

Marvel Comics employee charged with phlegm related offences

Arguing moles

Testosterone fuelled gang warfare

Insert penis

Lecturing on the downside of clowns

Eleventh hour psychos

Jesus was an impostor

American ignorance

French passion

German honesty

Zimbabwe

Cars with brains

Die

When was the last time you saw your mother naked?

Tumours of the Brain

Pictures of men brutally raping mermaids and images made entirely out of bison sperm are just two things.

Barry is a Wom

The life story of famous cartoonist Joe Sacco has been blighted by revelations that his spellchecker was wrong.

Starlings Eat Baby

Contrary to popular belief, Peter Milligan does not collect spleens from old women and feed them to his children. That, of course, is Steve Englehart.

Maiden Test Virginity

Eleven pounds of loose flesh is what was removed from Colleen Doran's vaginoplasty operation. The 'in her 40s' famous artist has apparently been fucked so many times that she has been returned to her previous state of beans.

Tensing your mussels

Gary Groth has been charged with supplying Muslims with young children for sexual purposes. Mr Groth has strenuously admitted to the charges, claiming that it will do wonders for his reputation of being a complete and utter boring twat.

Save My Lung

Marv Wolfman has been cleared of assaulting his wife in a Tarzana restaurant. Mrs Wolfman claimed her husband attacked her with a hamburger and forced her to eat a waitress's vaginal discharge while filming it for a programme about unusual eaters.

Tits

Robert Kirkman has admitted that he finds having the end of his penis stroked very gently is extremely wonderful; he especially likes it when its performed by 8 year old boys.

Exiting the drug Lord

Simon Bisley has admitted that he masturbates for Jesus.

Sick Bags for Shirley

World famous kung fu artist Paul Gulacy has not died as was reported by reporters. He has, in fact, just returned from hospital after having one of his testicle fiddled with by black nurses.

Disabled Turkey

Another less world famous artist, Jerry Ordway, is likely to be jailed next week for deliberately attempting to pervert the course of justice. Ordway, 67, is believed to have taken a shit on a judge in an attempt to prevent the sentencing of Tom Grummet on sexual harassment charges.

Belgium Labia

DC comics is to employ a woman.

Tin Tin is Gay

Former X-Men artist Dave Cockrum is being sued by Alan Moore after claims made by the 74 year old artist that he had a homosexual affair with the bearded wonder. Moore has issued the writ, which made counterclaims that Cockrum allegedly was seen wiping his cock on Bob Kane's grave.

There is no illusion

Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much.

Asphyxiated By Female Ejaculate

Strange Turkey

The new leader of the Labour Party in the Great Kingdom of Ingerland, Ed Millipede has publicly stated that he got elected on his two main policies - the fact that he has a larger penis than his brother Dave and he intends to revolutionise comics in the UK by subsidizing the industry when Labour get back into power. "United Britain lags behind even countries like Rhodesia in its production of comics; last year alone Siam produced more comics per square foot than we did. I intend to travel to Northumbria and Cumberland in the next few weeks to see what these counties can offer in a way of producing more better comics. I have a meeting with people in Malaya and joining the Dutch on an Antilles search."

When asked if he knew anything about the comics industry, Millipede took his trouser snake out, waved it at the Manchester crowd and said, "See it is bigger than David's!"

Bolshoi Toad

Frazer Irving has been named as the new artist on Ejaculate Now a modern reworking of Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Irving told us, "Do you know that Buy, Guy and Puy are the only words that end in UY? I am a fan of Pop Will Eat Itself and you are not my mum."

Apparently, after a journalist in Kent began stalking the young artist, he has since refused to release all his press releases through his mother, Beryl Irving. However, Mrs Irving has lived in Berlin since auditioning for the part of children's undertaker for an avant garde theatre production. She didn't get the job, but she liked Berlin so much she bought an apartment.

Larch Tree Incest

John Byrne's latest offering Die Nigger Scum is likely to cause some offence according to Mike Richardson of Dark Horse. "Yeah, it's inflammatory and inciteful." When asked what the last word meant, he quickly altered his stance and claimed the book would incite riots. The man responsible for some comics for the last few years went on to say, "John's been off the scene since he ate his own spleen for charity; this is a perfect way to reintroduce him to modern comics readers. It also acts as a handy handbook for offing jiggerboos who are disturbing your nice suburban neighbourhood. The first issus comes with dum dum bullets."

Recidivist in Dock

"I've never felt comfortable writing songs for comics," said Lady Gaga, posing in a Wonder Woman costume at the recent MTV awards. "Marvel produces three Lady Gaga comics, one for adults, and I have to write at least 15 songs a month and frankly that isn't taxing enough."

Entangled Frottage

Golf is back in the news and DC is producing Superman v Lex Luthor: The Belfry, a two part tale of the arch-enemies battle on a golf course for world supremacy. Carol Sugarak, the editor of the comic and possibly a made up spam name, said, "Golf is so big its almost as big as an elephant, but with smaller testicles. This could be massive; we're thinking of making it interactive." When asked when DC started to employ women again, we have not heard anything from her; but she did offer to sell me some Viagra.

Remnants

Garcia Lopez has officially retired from drawing and will concentrate on breathing now he has been diagnosed with lung cancer.

Flugle Hornrim Glasses

A copy of Strange Males #1 recently sold for over $1000 at an auction in Newark. When asked why this was worth so much money, the man who bought it claimed, "the artist spunked all over this issue's splash page. I'm going to try and clone him." We didn't fail to see the irony in his sentence.

Anteater Banana Bread

David Beckham's new comic Galaxy Stars, which depicts his US Soccer team as superheroes has flopped in the USA. It has however been a huge success in India, where they need something to block some drains for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games. Mrs Sheila Dikshit said, "Laugh at my name again you cunt and I'll have you!"

So Near Yet So Far: bathing beasties, fallopian tube blowers, titanic struggles, beef cake, boiled head, red mullet, ham burglars, vandal sags, opticians fluid, steak, various flies, meal worm, caustic soda bread, trained beagles and more.

Boiled in Semen

Tryptic Jostle

• Why bother with shaving unwanted pubic hair off when you can buy a comic called Pube Eater, a new kind of superhero from Tokyopop.
• Or, if you have trouble signing your name with your own jet stream of diarrhoea, then buy the new Diarrhoea Diaries from Dark Horse.
• If that doesn't appeal to you, then how about Gwenital Warts, a new adult themed Spider-Man book from Marvel.
• Alternatively, you could plump for Dysfunctional Lesbians about two girls who want to be gay but just love cocks and other male birds.
• From Avatar is a new William Bird book called 1001 Ways to Cook with Female Ejaculate, which is pretty self explanatory, except its written as a novel rather than a self help book.
• If you're in a playful mood, why not buy Avengers: Fuck You or even Captain America: Encased in Shit?
• DC is big in the trousers at the moment with 100 Best Superhero Erections and its follow up title The Next 100 Best Erections.
• Frank Miller is having his anus moved to his elbow for charity.
• Image Comics attempt to change the course of history with I Killed the Man who Impregnated My Mother with Me, but is actually redrawing a Betty & Veronica banned issue from the 1960s - the one where Betty becomes a hippy, gets her tits out a lot and smokes some grass.
• Illustrated Cello Stories is a new book from David Mack and tells of his lusting of cellos from all ages.
• Beats Me is a new comic from a small independent publisher about masturbatory abuse; it has just been optioned as a porn film for $30.
• The Hulk's 50th anniversary in 2012 is to be celebrated by a free gift being given away with each issue of the big green guy's birthday comic. real Hulk shit encased in quartz is being offered. ebaY expects a stample wave - which they described as a cross between a stampede and a tidal wave.
• On a similar theme, both Daredevil and the X-Men are threatening to boycott 50th anniversary celebrations because of pieces of plastic found in complimentary orange juice.
• Since being forced to reveal to the world how he actually works, Superman and the guide to his body reaches its 50th issue with a look at how the Man of Steel's butt hole works.
• Mark Waid's follow up to my daughter has been declined by several publishers. Waid's Britney about a comicbook writer who gets accidentally stuck in a lift with Britney Spears for two weeks, was said to be too close to reality for comics.
• Millennium Bookses new title 30 Days of the True Twilight Blood Diaries at Night with Vampire Slayers has been cancelled because the cover artist ran out of space.
• Imaginary Sculptures With Mucous is the new semi-autobiographical book from Jay Faerber; the 71 page graphic novel is drawn by Jae Lee.
• Neil Gaiman's new comic, The Cricket Massacres is not set inside a water vole as first reported.
• Ever popular comics review site Shoot Your Load has been closed down after a lawsuit from various publishers claimed that the website was being paid in under age prostitutes to allow bad reviews of their books, while favouring publishers who performed acts of sexual perversity on them.
• President Barry apologised to many people yesterday after a news story about comics found its way into White House briefings. Bazza explained that not everybody would understand.
• Human cloning gone wrong!
• Alan Davis has a family of hedgehogs held captive in the shed at the foot of his garden.
• Alan Moore is allowing his beard to write an issue of Batman.
• Howard the Duck's first public appearance in more than a decade resulted in the manduck being savaged by two pit bull terriers. Doctors are now fearful that the dogs might go mad.
• The horrors of testicular cancer are examined in My Balls at Your Disposal a new comic from the French.
• Aleisha Dixon is not the new writer on Flash.
• The latest offering from God comics is likely to cause offence in Muslim countries as Allah has again been portrayed in a non positive light. In Islam: Hot Bed of Gay Sex, Allah is portrayed as a pink flannelette wearing camp man wearing lipstick and happily wiping his festering penis on unsuspecting Christians. Muslims across the world just shrugged, wondering what the problem was.

Cross Porpoises

Never trust a man with a lemon.

Rancid Spleen Discharge

A Polygon of Virtue

After being fired from writing The X-Men for craftily blackmailing the editor to publish the story Laughing While All the children are Mutilated by Cretins, Mark Waid is back!

The 57 year-old former blondy haired man is writing a new series with Ron Lim doing the artwork. My Daughter is a strange book and is coming out from Top Shelf, mainly because it could be sold no lower on the shelves.

Waid, who held a massive press conference at the SDCC recently to unveil the project, explained a couple of extra details with me now that the restraining order has been lifted. "Obviously, as I have no children of my own, I had to use my imagination a lot on this," he said while eating a large plate of pasta fazool. "Ron really wanted to be involved in this project, but I explained to him that I really wanted either a paraplegic or an amputee to draw it. He was a real sport, he had his back broken and one of his legs amputated. I asked him if he could do without his left hand, but he has trained himself to masturbate with that hand, so it seemed a bit unfair."

When I asked him exactly the story was about, he told me this, "I'm focusing on the period between her 13th birthday and when she loses her virginity. A fourteen hour period of time. The action starts with me dry humping my car because my daughter has just started sunbathing in the garden and I'd not noticed what a fantastic pair of tits she'd developed over the summer.

"What happens next is pretty predictable. I watch all the hot blooded males walking past my yard ogling at my daughter with massive erections, so I decide that I'm not going to be able to survive knowing that she's just waiting to be raped by one of these pricks, so I decide to be her first fuck."

I pointed out that the subject matter was a bit, you know, stereotypical, especially of American men, but he just shrugged and continued, "The problem is, once I decide to do it I have to make sure it's done properly; so I kidnap her, anonymously, of course, and then subject her to all manner of horrible tortures I could dream up before finally relieving her of her cherry. There's a real shock ending!"

I ask him if his daughter knows it's him all along and loves it so much, she continues having an incestuous relationship with him? He nodded and broke down in tears.

Slap and Tickle

Is the world ready for Super-Pope versus Evil Pope? And if it is will Frank Cho be able to hold onto his load for long enough?

Super-Pope travels the world righting wrongs and ignoring anything in the name of God, but Evil Pope has a plan to give condoms to all the jiggerboos in Africaland. Super-Pope and his team of buxom super wenches attempt to take Evil Pope out. But the battle goes wrong and Super-Pope ends up getting involved in a 3-way with a condom-wearing Evil Pope and one of his flock. He falls pregnant with the Anti-Christ and is eaten alive by thrushes, from hell.

Frank Cho has recently converted to Catholicism.

Global Scrotum

A film about an ambidextrous amphibious cartoonist debuts at the Cannes film festival next year. It has no bearing on reality. Gay television.

Extreme Epiglottis

Did we ever agree on what exactly a lignum was.

Consoling words from the archbishop were not going to stop Peter Parker from starting a lesbian relationship with a vending machine.

Adoring Pubic

The news that the new redesigned Captain America is going to have a penis has shocked the world. That Hickman fellow who is responsible for the revamp claims its the only way to get fans reading the star spangled spastic's adventures again. "We thought of having a cock shaped shield, but opted instead for the penis outside the over-trunks look. Dale [Eaglesham] had a riot drawing many comedy penises. We also have a supporting cast that includes a felating llama, sixteen eyeballs and the theft of chops from a local butcher. This is cutting edge stuff, baby!"

La settimana prossima: Bisogni di Constance; gli shrews di balletto, i ramoscelli rabbiosi, i grandi seni con panna montata, i femmes violenti, pesci del gruppo, li hanno lasciati fanno un panino da questo, il letame della mucca del rhinestone ed i monaci criminosi and not forgetting bustine di tè macchiate merda Russa!