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Latex Cauliflower
Jae Lee is back in the news after claiming on his website that if he didn't get the new Iron Man gig, he would, 'wipe my cock on every under age girl in the state of Minnesota'. To our knowledge, Lee has never been to Minnesota, so this could be a bonus for comics fans there, especially if they're under age girls - get that penile smear autographed!
Devastating Diseases
In what could be one of the greatest stories ever uncovered in these pages, we have news that will shock and appal a number of people. I was trapped because of the volcano problem on a remote Greek island, where I just happened to be sharing the island with Bruce Banner, who often goes there for some R&R. Me and Bruce go back a long way and he'd been on the island for 3 months, which led me to ask him about the current Hulk comic. This is what he said:
"I'm considering taking Marvel to court; they have breached the rules of my contract and they have blatantly been making shit up about me. I told them, 'I'm going on vacation, you'll just have to run reprints or put the damned thing on hiatus.' But it seems they didn't listen to me. The last time this happened they unleashed that pathetic storyline where all those multi-coloured Hulks appeared; this really pissed off the Hulk and whenever I let him out to smash a few rocks or have a hot dog, he got really upset about it, claiming that the world was being taken over by Joseph and his technicolor She-Hulks. I had to sedate him with drugs and naked women."
He continued, "Yeah, so I'm like really pissed off with these cunts. All the current stuff is totally made up, none of it happened to me. I've never met with adamantium knife wielding psychopath before." I pointed out that he had during the early 1990s. "Yeah, but not one who looks like this. Do Marvel's readers really believe I'd have that much trouble against this pleb? I've been talking to DC, but they claim there's a shortage of green ink at the moment and if I'd consider changing colour to pink they might consider a transfer fee. Let me just tell my adoring fans, Marvel are fucking with you, homies. These stories are not about da Hulk, they're some figment of the imagination of some dog arse sucking scrotum bag of nepotism. I'd blame Joe Quesada, but he's just a fucking dribbling fool nowadays, the real power is the Leader."
Fortunately for both of us the volcano went away and we flew home. Me by DC10 and Bruce via his legs. He had orange trunks on. Claims they're going to change the way people think about him. Fat chance, the man is as mad as a dozen cunts with rabies.
Vaginal Discharge
A new anthology of banned 1960s comics is being released next month. Gene's Colon Explosion features work by Adam Austin while he was drawing for men's health magazine Motions in Motion. We don't really need to tell you much more, do we?
Slow Death Cooker
Dale Eaglesham has admitted that he is addicted to heroin and has sold his younger sister into a paedophile ring to pay for his $6000 a day habit. Standing in front of a court in Bailey, Maine, Eaglesham admitted stealing a tin of hot dogs in brine and some salad cream from Dusty's Road Side Supermarket and Gas Station and falsely buying women's underwear using an expired store card. The artist was released on bail and told that his crimes, if found guilty, will probably lead to him having to donate a kidney to a dying black child.
Pivotal masonry
The remains of Milton Caniff have been stolen from the family crypt, ground into powder and have been mixed with seeds from a rare Amazonian plant in the hope of growing some old newspaper strips. Scientists have said if they can perfect this, they'll invent a time machine and bring a young Jack Kirby to the future where they will torture him and chop his fingers off.
Jewish Sponge
A new comic from Jonathon Hickman is likely to cause problems amongst several sections of society on its release. 5 Black Cunts is a disturbing tale about the sexual degradation and abuse of 5 jiggerboo kids from the deep south. Hickman, a known racist and member of the white supremacist group 'Kill Anyone Wot Aint White' or KAWAW, feels justified with his new project, "We have a Muslim coon in charge of our fair country; I want to do what I can to make people aware of what an evil commie this fucker is, that's why my comic has his two daughters being subjected to the most abuse. I especially like it when the heroes use Malia's mouth as a toilet for 6 months.
The NSPCC - National Society for Perfecting Cruelty to Children have applauded the comics daring strategy and have awarded Hickman with a life time achievement award, despite the writer only being 17.
Cod Peace
Tired of the constant stream of immigrants coming into your country? Move to their country instead. Become a dictator. Plough your 4x4 through fields of peasant shit and remember to have your comics standing order shipped to you by UPS, because the industry needs you, wherever you decide to cause mass hysteria.
Savage Garden
I recently met up with Kevin Plunder, who has been working as a special needs teacher in Svalbard. The former hero and subject of at least 23 failed comic book attempts, gave up appearing in comics in 1999 and has since been teaching kiddies with brain problems how to do simple things, like count, read and wipe their own bottoms. I asked Kevin if he had any regrets about being a really lame, second rate Tarzan and what Zabu has been doing.
"Well, it wasn't my fault Marvel couldn't persuade Tarzan to sign up with them; Stan reckoned they had some good stories for the real wild man of the jungle; but he went to DC because he was a friend of Joe Kubert and I got signed up. I felt a bit like the Monkees being compared to the Beatles, except I didn't bring anything new to the table. I was probably the most boring character ever, even when I appeared with the X-Men it was like everyone was a bit embarrassed to be seen around me. Scott Summers actually asked Jim Lee once if he could just, you know, forget that Kevin was there. It got very depressing and I took a lot of drugs and slept with a load of very dirty guys.
"Zabu on the other hand... He spent a few months secretly living with Ben Grimm before doing a two year stint in Cancun with Lockjaw as these crazy house DJs. After that he moved into corporate finance and tent hire. The last couple of years he's been living in the Arizona desert with Shanna; I think they have something going on. He visits me occasionally, but he's had less and less to say the last few times and he doesn't like it that I live in northern Norway. In my own funny way, I hate and detest him."
Any chance of a comeback?
"I don't think so. I have IBS now and a dodgy knee. My life is important teaching kids how to be human. Yes, they don't understand me as I haven't yet learnt how to speak Norwegian; I'm desperate for some female companionship that has pubic hair and because I'm no longer even remotely famous, I've discovered that even jars of my sperm don't sell on ebay any longer. It's this or I kill myself."
Reclaiming Desdemona
J. Scott Campbell is to honour the memory of his old friend Mike Turner by sleeping with his widow and filming it for an MTV special. Campbell reckons that he's saved up enough jizzum to make sure that the results are explosive. The special is being filmed in 3D and TV executives are deciding at this very moment whether or not to use a substitute for Mrs Turner, as she really is a bit fat and plain.
Next time: folds, sweat, bile, cream, ink, vomit, secretions, faeces, urine, female ejaculate and Jim Boswell talks about trying to be something when you aren't very good at what you do. All this and some dancing girls with twirly nipples!
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