Vietnamese comics artist Nibbish Twong has set a new world record for eating molluscs. Twong, 86, ate over 4000 in a new world record time of 11 minutes and 17 seconds. His mother was the first person onto the stage to congratulate him. His spectacle is to be adapted into a comic by Masamune Shirow.
Madagascan Horse Thieves
A new film is being made from bits of a comicbook that Randy Queen once drew. Money from the project will go to paying Queen's defence costs after he was accused of sucking shit from baby's anuses, while they were still alive.
Slapstick Durex
In a bizarre concept, a group of students from the University of Benfleet have assembled all 18 issues of the 1970s classic Human Fly comic, drawn by Lee Elias and written by someone and completely erased all the world balloons and replaced them with the actual speech recordings of people sitting in venereal disease waiting rooms in Romford, Essex.
Blind Melon Scam
The nominations for best comic of the year have been received at the offices of the Best Comic in the World Awards HQ in Poughkeepsie.
The nominations are as follows, in no particular order:
Los Escarabajos Comen Mis Ojos by Kramer T Igglestone Suarez III
The Gravity Well Woman Centre by Jon Ostrander and Kim DeMulder
O Surfista de Prata Contra os Zombis do Homem de Leite by Christian Ronaldo and Tim Sale
The Toilet Boys by Phil Jiminez
Women in Dirty Lingerie by Rom Lim and Paul Gulacy
Human Torch: Camp Fire by Dick Advocaat and Ty Templeton
Why Does it Look like a Lemon, Mummy by John Byrne
There are others nominated but a lot of them were in Chinese or Korean and I can't be sure if they're nominations or just takeaway orders.
Chunter Thighs
Despite the failure of both Basketball Comics and Lacrosse Comics, Marc Silvestri is persevering with his dream of producing a comic about sport that sells more than 14 copies. His latest effort is likely to be more successful than previous efforts. "We decided that team sports were not really a good subject for comics, despite the fact that superteams are. We had planned to do a comicbook adaptation of the 1977 Superbowl with yetis rather than footballers, but this was stopped by the FSC and we had to rethink. They felt it was besmirching the good name of something and asked us to do something less controversial; we decided on Fantasy Nude Gymnastics and let me tell you, I had to employ women to masturbate me furiously while drawing this comic, otherwise it would never have been produced because my enormous penis would have constantly got in the way of my drawing lung."
Silvestri has been drawing with his lungs since he lost the sensations in his fingers from excessive crack use.
Slight Mound
Jim Lee's family farm and petting zoo has been closed after allegations that the 86 year old former X-Men artist has been. A spokersperson for the local mayor's office said, "We have reason to believe that Lee has been making a profit from his petting zoo on the strength of his cannon of work, much of which, has been proved, was produced by a group of midget Spaniards chained inside a small boat of the coast of Guatemala. We cannot allow such a man to profit from a past that is highly questionable."
Lee's contribution was brought into question when a photograph surfaced of his molesting a goat and it was clear in the photo that someone or something had removed all the bones from his hands and that the procedure had been performed as early as the late 1980s. Doctor Mark Devereaux said, "if you look closely at the scarring on his hands in this grainy, poor quality video, you can see that his bones must'o been removed when he was about 30. The only way this man could draw anything using his hands would be if he nailed a pencil to his fingers, or put his hands in a deep freezer with a pencil attached using some vanilla icecream,"
Mrs Lee, who was wearing a burkha and some Doctor Martens boots, refused to comment and threw scalding hot tea over my cameraman.
Fond Dill
A massive amount of turkey fat has been collected to produce the world's first bastable comicbook.
What's Wrong?
Colleen Doran has admitted, on the even of her 50th birthday, that she still has a fantastic pair of tits and treating her body like a temple, only drinking lambs jizzum and only having sex with prepubescent girls has meant that she can parade her mammaries around with the youngest of girls and not feel self-conscious. "My tits are fabulous and I'm betting you'd love to see them, despite the fact that you have a highly dubious sexual nature," she said to me over lunch last week. "I have big brown nipples that real, heterosexual men, would love to suck; but the only person allowed to do that at the moment is Rachel. She's 11 and will soon start the bleeding, so she will have to die and a new one chosen from the village."
Doran recently was believed to have been involved in a sexual relationship with Stan Lee, which the creator of comics has always vigorously admitted and indications are that this might be the case after several drawings of her having sex with a prune surfaced on ebay. "He might have looked like a wrinkly old cunt, but it took him hours to reach an orgasm and when he did it was just powder; he's so dry and crusty."
Next time: radiant taste, hormone replacement, genital warts, Odo from Star Trek, tremendous bluffs, rancid raccoon, Polly Esther, A String Gent, semi Colin, Yoko Oh no, Stanley knife, cocks.
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