Alien shit eating monsters living in our colons and infesting the water supply with creatures that will ravage and eventually consume the entire planet. Not a comic book, but a reality. Watch your toilets!
Tubular Bells
Flangetastic Comics from Cleveland are being taken to court by just about everyone in the world after releasing nine new comics on the unsuspecting world, all of which are suspiciously in contravention with most laws. Comic store owners were greeted with a free box of Flangetastic product, including gold-plated versions of their premier books - The Fantastic Foreplay, The Amazing Spider-Crab-Man, The Avenge Turds, The Mighty Thor Cock, Newton Bromswold - Carbon-Neutral Twat, The Deafenders, Murphy Strange, Master of Mythic Farts and Slurpo, the Cunt with a Brain.
Gilbraith Winslow, the owner of Tight Pussy Comics in Burbank told us, "Some of this shit is not bad; I especially liked the Avenge Turds and The Deafenders, but stuff like the Mighty Thor Cock and Slurpo were pretty much derivative; a lot of this stuff reminded me of Alan Moore, naked in a bath tub."
Meredith Bandsleigh, the co-owner of Dowager Comics in Palm Springs claimed, "Many of these books are just pirated jpeg files with indifferent tags attached. I think the way their artists draw breasts is quite applaudable."
Ramsbottom Crooks of Ed's Comics & Sex Toys in Mansfield sent his message to us in semaphore, but essentially he thought he could make money from these comics especially if he can find people to buy them.
Fanny Murgatroyd, the cleaner and occasional provider of oral relief to her keepers reckoned the new books would appeal to young lesbians, farmers and people with IQs under 60. She then went onto explain to me why she suffers from almost constant moistness in her crotch area and claims that sometimes she can get so lubricated she can put her entire arm up her own vagina and can give herself multiple orgasms if she sits on swings.
Felix Bashing
Ed Brubaker is to write a comic based on guitar legend Eric Clapton. The 67 page graphic novel will be entitled Neglectful Baby Killer and will focus on the guitarists strange friendship with Phil Collins.
Boil in the Bag Carrots
Whatever happened to them? And why?
Slight Frames
Possibly the strangest new comic to emerge for years is the new Jim Starlin independently produced title Ganymede Trots, which is about a stomach virus that hits the crew of a long space journey to one of the moons of Saturn or Jupiter. The alien virus quadruples in size every time it comes into contact with anything and within a week the astronauts are trapped inside a spaceship literally full of shit. "It's something never done before in either comics or film, although I'm sure there was an obscure radio play on the same theme in the 1950s. The twist in this tale is that the virus is completely benign, it just smells really bad and won't flush away. There's a scene in it where the remaining astronauts have to shit into a tube connected to the rest of the spaceship and it gets blocked; the tension is similar to that of a really high profile course fishing competition." When asked if he was still taking drugs, Mr Starlin, 86, said it wasn't for him to speculate. "That's not really for me to speculate on," he said.
Pork Juice
The last time he was fined several thousands of US dollars, this time he faces being locked in a damp room for a week with David Duchovny.
Man the Ramparts
The Return of the Steel Anteater and the Nipple Eaters from another Galaxy is the new 4-part story arc for Daredevil and Superman as they continue their cross company team up thanks to Ann Nocenti and Frazier Hines.
Hunger Ford
Mainly because no one is buying it, Marvel has decided to cancel X-Men. The decision, taken after sales dropped from a high of 46,000,000 a month to less than 4, was unexpected, especially as Marvel intended to recruit Roy Thomas and Neal Adams (complete with two anuses) to draw the final ever ever issue. Obviously a lot of the previous sentence doesn't make sense, but this might be down to insufficient lime in the avocado dip.
Regal Stink
A page from Kevin Smith's award winning new Spider-Man series, obviously, the lettering needs redoing.
Next Time: there will be no more clams; bird song, beer curry, tamarinds - monkeys or fruit? Painful injections; stigmata tomato, plain or crinkle, vulvae, hairy clitoris, highly motivated hairy people; condroitin, Chelsea, Chinese Burns, mellow yellow, polyester cardigan, fringe benefits, septic tank, Korean flu, bridal path, a piano concerto for a rainy day, kid gloves, prancing merryfield, a fixation of lamb and thrifty two ways to milk bees. This and a bucket of lard.
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