Tom Welling, only really known for playing Clark Kent, wrote the award-winning comic Bastards in Wheelchairs in 2005 and has followed it up with his new book Idiots Up Trees. The actor, who is almost as dull in real life as he is on screen, gave us an exclusive interview, but we declined.
Eat Diss
Whatever happened to Dick Foreman? Well, for those of you that wrote in and asked, we did some digging and he's in an insane asylum and has grown a third arm.
The Baby in Christ
Marvel continues to fight the injunction placed on them by the Maldives, after the country claimed that Marvel was deliberately drilling holes in the smaller islands so that they sink. Marvel's Joe Quesada was seen with a large drill and some paint several times last August when 5 of the islets sank.
Bingo
Jeff Johnson, Antony Johnson, Holly Johnson and Joe Johnson are to form a band called The Winkleys. They will perform dialogue from Bill Mantlo comics to music.
Abyssinian Doormat
There is growing concern about the whereabouts of Ed McGuinness. The 86 year old artist was last seen going to the local 5 and Dime store, in his 1986 Austin Allegro. Reports that there were sightings of aliens in the vicinity have been vigorously denied by the local bishop; so no comparisons or whatever the word is can be drawn.
Curtain Fun
The latest project from Frank Miller is to be published by Fantagraphics, in what many regard as a bold move by the icon. Shit Accidents is not what it would first appear to be. Believed by many to be an anthology of short stories about really crap accidents, such as falling up a ladder and trapping your hand in the dog. But what it actually is is a 798-page graphic novel about how he learned to defecate again after accidentally having his anus sewn up after a skiing incident.
"It's the realism that is important to me, that is why the first 10,000 copies have been especially printed using ink mixed with my own faeces. I made sure that I lived in a diet of roses and lilac flowers for a week, to ensure that the fragrance was nectorish rather than blue cheese. Unfortunately, I had no idea what kind of reaction roses, lilac and stomach juices would produce and that is why those 10,000 copies also come with a government health warning.
"My next project is likely to be another Batman book, but I want to do it for Wallmart this time rather than whoever it is publishes it. I like the idea of Bruce Wayne moonlighting as a cleaner up of sick at an illegal rave in an old abandoned Wallmart superstore.
"After that, Kim is to release a book of photographs of me cutting my toenails into exotic shapes and I'm going to draw the cover to each individual edition using a mixture of my own semen and some squid ink - real Arctic squids, mind, not these cheap Mediterranean ones.
"Then I'm back at DC for my unique take on Arak, Son of Thunder and then I'm back at Marvel for some yoghurt drink."
Svengali Pasta
The overall cost of shipping alpacas from South America to small holdings in Europe now exceeds Paul Levitz's annual salary, which, as most people know, triggers a clause in his contract whereby he has to work for the next 4 years completely shaved and with a swizzle stick poking out of his arse, like those porn stars did before broccoli was invented.
Raster my Quins
Paul Pelettier still owes money to his local laundrette and is refusing to pay the bill, claiming that it spoils his bad boy image if he's seen paying people for services rendered. "I've never had to pay for a prostitute, so why should I pay some little Chinky bint who can't speak of word of English and sounds like a buzz saw cutting a cat in 4?"
Polarisation is the Only way Forward
Now that he's dead it's quite easy to tell you that Steve Gerber had a serious heroin and pre-pubescent girl habits. The now dead writer used to inject the heroin into prepubescent girls and then leave them in woods near a busy freeway. None of the girls have been reported killed, but all are still missing. Kentucky police reckon there could be as many as 86 missing young girls.
When asked why the police force weren't trying harder to find these girls, Chief Larry Stroman said, "Because of police cutbacks in the State, the only people I can recruit to be deputies are paedophiles. Can you imagine the shitstorm?"
Hormone Replacement Traffic
Carlo Pagulayan is to be deported back to the Philippines by immigration officers after he refused to pay the bribe. Pagulayan has drawn some stuff and he's likely to be able to continue to work for comics from his mother's bedroom. Pagulayan married his mother in 2007.
Next Time: wounded knees, big jobs, pawn stars, the mauve, yelp and ouch, masked balls, mince lamb mince, hell.
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