Each Orgasm Is Your Penultimate

Ripe Beans

Clark Kent is on the brink of a fourth term in charge of the world after attempts to delay Wednesday's presidential election failed. The English and Scottish Superhero Associations wanted the election postponed amid allegations of corruption - Kent is accused of having stolen candy from a baby.

English Superhero chairman Captain Britain put the proposal to the World congress but 172 of 206 voters opted against a delay. The vote to formally re-elect Kent will take place later on Wednesday with Bruce Wayne running as his vice-presidential candidate, also unopposed.

"This is typical bull boy tactics used by the most powerful thing on the planet," opined Jack Staff, who was with a group of other heroes at the Wailing Womble pub in Wimbledon. Only 17 votes were registered in their favour, with 17 abstentions. "That's disgusting," growled British Bulldog looking up from his plate of milk. "Fucking Superman. He's just a cunt."

In his address, Britain said: "It gives me no pleasure to make this speech. A lot of people have warned me I shouldn't be making this speech but the world is a democratic organisation. Superman is a twat; we all know it. He stands around all day accepting blow jobs from lowly Indian girls, when he should be out there, fighting crime and saving Lois Lane. The poor woman has been off on the sick for six months; she's at a loose end."

However, Kent had this to say, "If Captain Britain thinks he should do my job I challenge him to an x-ray vision contest at Maplehurst swimming baths on Wednesday. If he can find the woman with three nipples before me, then he can have a go at being elected. but only then."

When challenged by a journalist from the Times, Kent said, "I only talk to the Daily Planet, so if you open your mouth again I'll rip your jaw off and shove it up her," pointing at Angela Rippon, "Twat. Got that shit sniffer?"

The journalist laughed and Ms Rippon couldn't walk until she'd had corrective surgery.

"Just Who Is Molly Ringwald" Asked the president of Namibia. But no one remembered the 80s comedy queen.

Cauliflower Vulva

"I know what you're thinking," said a naked Mindy Newel at a press conference to launch DC's new Catgirl comic. "She's not got the body to pull this off. Well, you'd be right. Just look at this," She said grabbing her saggy left breast and squeezing it until pus ran from the veins. "And I'd show you my front bottom, but it has rats living in there at the moment."
The comic is crap. Literally. It's made out of human faeces, processed to have the colour bleached out, but not the smell.

Vera Hello

Stamp on afterbirths. Not normally a normal instruction; but it's the theme running through Trent Kanuiga's new comic. Aliens, who have impregnated women, have planted seeds in the placentas of women that grow into massive bloody sucking creatures with six eyes and tits to rival Carmen Elecktra. The US government issue a warning to all pregnant women that they must stamp on their afterbirths until the eggs burst.

Kanuiga is receiving psychiatric treatment for eating worms.

May Day May Hem

DC is taking the unusual step of banning any reviews of their comics for the rest of 2011. Grotesquely overweight head of sales Blob Wayne said, "If we see a review of a DC comic on any site over the next 7 months, we're going to sue the perpetrators and demand their testicles be removed." When challenged saying that girls might post a review, Wayne said, "Girls? Read comics? What are you man, an imbecile?" When Heidi Ace MacDonald stood up and suggested that she was a girl, Wayne demanded proof saying MacDonald could be a man dressed in a dress, even though she was wearing jeans and a blouse that prominently showed her still pert breast.

In front of 2000 people, Ace got her cunt out, waved it at the crowd and then put it away under lock and key. Wayne claims the reporter is a transsexual and only did it to upset him.

Green Limes

Rob Liefeld, who has recently relocated to a studio in the black ghetto of Detroit has bought a coon hound and calls it Nigger. The locals think it's hilarious. Liefeld's funeral is being planned.

Eleven Tenths of a Second

Fantasy is big. Fantasy with tits is bigger. Fantasy with tits, cocks, horses with wings and naked children is even better. According to The News of the World, a subscription only newspaper from Ingerland. They prove this by showing a doctored picture of Gandalf impaling a naked cherub on a massive superimposed penis.

Mark My Wards

Doug Hempel claims that comics, 'shouldn't be frightened to show open cunt shots, if it progresses the story." This controversial suggestion was greeted with Mexican waves at a recent convention, but, asked Joyce Chen (not averse to an open cunt shot herself when she's had a few brandys), in what context does it have to be in to make it worthy. "Simple," says Hempel. "If you have a lull in the story, the male members of the comic can grab a female character, disrobe her and examine her cunt for invading aliens." What? Every time? Asked Chen. "Absolutely. Those pesky aliens get everywhere and what better place to hide, but somewhere that's warm, moist and shaved; they all must be shaved."

Chen was seen blowing her brains out on Hemple's cock later in the day.

Never Indecent: Spanish Fly, Pink Faeries, Bowling, Crass Enemas, Beijing Black, Costa Rica Gervais, Bad Breath, Leaky Quim, Typhoid Typhoon, Scallop Brandy.