Epic Scrotum

EXCLUSIVE!!! THE MARK MILLAR INTERVIEW! EXCLUSIVE!!!

NFEX caught up with the 3rd most popular person in the world, last week, for a chat about his career.

DS: Hello Mark and welcome. It must have been a disappointment to your father and Gordon Murray that you didn't follow in his footsteps?

MM: Gordon Murray? What are you going on aboot?

DS: Windy Miller. Your father. You were supposed to work for him and be filmed by Gordon Murray, the guy who did all that fly-on-the-wall stuff in that village of Trumpton and it's neighbouring villages, Chigley and Camberwick Green.

MM: I have nae idea what yoo're on aboot? My dad was an itinerant racist thug who worked for a Glaswegian pornographer for most of his life until he was fed to the fishes by a disgruntled social worker.

DS: I'm sorry, my researcher must have got the wrong facts. In that case. let's start again: How tall are you?

MM: Er... Five feet and ten inches. Why?

DS: Because it was most requested question from the website. Over 60,000 people asked this. Do you find being 5 feet and 10 inches a hindrance?

MM: Nae.

DS: When did you decide to take up acting and be an American football star?

MM: I didnae. You're thinking of other Mark Millers and they aren't even spelled the same way as mine is.

DS: Oh. What's your favourite colour?

MM: Don't tell me, it was the 2nd most requested question from your website?

DS: No. I was just interested.

MM: Black.

DS: Technically, black isn't a colour. Still, it's an answer. You've written lots of comics; are there any my readers would have heard of?

MM: You write a comics column?

DS: Yes.

MM: I should think all of your readers have heard of me.

DS: That's very big-headed of you. How can you be so cocksure?

MM: Spider-Man, Superman, the JLA, Fantastic Four, Punisher, Batman, Green Lantern, you name them, I've done them.

DS: Literally as well as metaphorically?

MM: ...

DS: Are you sure you did Green Lantern?

MM: I might have lied about that, but I have done loads.

DS: What was your favourite episode of Batman?

MM: What? The 1960s camp TV series? It would have to be the one where Eartha Kit forces Robin's entire arm up her cunt.

DS: Swedish electro stars appeared in Batman? I have a tortoise called Steve, have you got any strange pets with odd names?

MM: I have a rabbit called Adolf and a bull terrier called Pinky.

DS: When you have sex with your girlfriend, do you find the foreskin gets in the way?

MM: Och, she had hers removed when she was 11.

DS: Much has been said about your great rivalry with Garth Ennis. Do you think the comics industry misses him now he's gone to become a country and western singer?

MM: Isn't that Garth Brooks?

DS: Have you ever eaten an entire packet of biscuits by yourself?

MM: Aye, usually when I'm writing Spider-Man.

DS: Do you know Peter Parker personally?

MM: O'course I doo. He's a bit of a party animal for a man in his 60s.

DS: Your brother Ben claimed for years he had been abducted by aliens in 1979. How do you feel about this?

MM: I didnae even knoo I had a brother called Ben. When did this happen?

DS: Um... 1979.

MM: My granny was stolen as a child by shit faeries.

DS: Shit faeries? What faeries that live in shit?

MM: Nae, they weren't very good.

DS: When I was a child I used to steal my mother's vodka, get very drunk and fall asleep with my arms wrapped around the toilet basin. I always believed there were toilet faeries behind it and they were my friends.

MM: I used to have the same thoughts when I was out of my face on heroin. Now I just imagine that another existence overlaps our own and if we squint very hard we can see the monsters from the Id.

DS: That's nice. What's your take on fat girls?

MM: Rumour has it they try harder, but I find they tend to smell, have sores where the fat parts rub, or, they've gone all leathery. imagine some fat bird who got really massive thighs, after years of them fuckers rubbing together if she hasn't set her pubic hair on fire, she must have leather patches where that soft skin should be. Actually, from my experience, fat girls don't tend to have a lot of pubic hair and what they have is all thin and straggly; the poor cows can't see their minges to trim them.

DS: Grant Morrison recently referred to you as a bit of a girl any thoughts?

MM: It's because I like to wear women's underwear and wank into them when I get an erection.

DS: My researcher claims you have 47 erections, on average, a day. Do you manage to ejaculate every time?

MM: Fooking right I do. There's always about an egg cup full. My wife collects it and uses it to bath the guinea pigs. It's really good for their skin.

DS: I had a friend who fed his guinea pigs oestrogen and they all grew really impressive tits. He then made guinea pig porn movies with them. He couldn't make then talk though. Stubborn big titted buggers they were.

MM: Is that a question?

DS: I understand you've recently been seen at Fortnum and Masons in London?

MM: Yes, I buy my Jerusalem artichokes there.

DS: Max Miller, thank you for your time. Best of luck with the scabies and we'll see you soon!