Hash Popes
Top reporter Leon Trubshaw was granted access to Alan Moore and this is his fantabulous interview!!!
LB: Hello Alan More!
AM: There's two Os in my name.
LB: How could you tell?
AM: I am omnipotent; I see your words as letters floating in the ether like dust motes or scrotal dandruff.
LB: That's nice.
AM: It has its moments.
LB: So, tell me, Alan Moore, this look you've chosen? Is it a hit with the chicks? Do they dig the long hair, weirdy beardy and a crook image? Does it make them want to swivel on your cock?
AM: At least a dozen times a year. I don't tell my wife, but as she lives in a completely separate house to me, she doesn't know if I send the old kipper out for a good mulleting.
LB: I think you'll find 'mulleting' has two tees.
AM: I think not, poltroon.
LB: Were you surprised that you got the James Bond gig?
AM: Pardon?
LB: Back in the 70s after that guy that no one can remember the name of. Lazenby, he who slept with rotting wombats, according to Gene Pitney.
AM: That was Roger Moore.
LB: Then you never lost your legs in the war?
AM: That was Douglas Bader. But I see where you're going here and, no, I'm not Kenneth More either. Neither am I the dead rock guitarist Gary Moore either.
LB: Dead footballer?
AM: Nope, that's Bobby. Do you know who I am?
LB: Alan Moore; you're famous for being a gnarly old cunt. I'm just winding you up to see if I can get a candid photo of you trying to strangle me, or maybe give me a surreptitious blow job.
AM: I am not gnarly. That isn't even a real word according to Google.
LB: You're daughter? Is it true she was a seductress at 13?
AM: Why?
LB: I was wondering how long ago that was or if she has any children?
AM: I have a new comic coming out in March.
LB: It's called Titties and Beer isn't it?
AM: No. I agreed to be interviewed if I could talk about my new project and answer some questions on the centre of the universe, or North Hampton as us Bective lads like to say.
LB: Have you got a bad limp?
AM: Sometimes.
LB: Is your mum still alive and what was her favourite colour?
AM: No and blue.
LB: Indian, Chinese or Italian?
AM: I've fucked them all, but Indians are surprisingly dirty in bed and I'm not talking grubby dirty either, if you catch my drift?
LB: I was talking laundry services.
AM: Let me ask you a question? How big is your cunt?
LB: About 5 feet and 4 inches; she's waiting in the car.
AM: Boom boom!
The completion of this interview has been illustrated by Melinda Guppy and will be published every week for the next seventeen years.
I'm Andrea
Leon Trubshaw's father, Harry, was well known for his work behind the scenes in the comics industry. Harry always said, "Without fucking Gods like me there wouldn't be a fucking comics industry you bunch of dried up pussies," and he would, of course, be completely right, or is that wrong. We couldn't actually get anyone to acknowledge that comics aren't just born into the world by a massive comics vagina. The kind of massive pulsating vagina that makes even dirty Muslim faggots want to fuck the ass of some teenage girl rather than their room mate at college who continually begged you to stop, you fucking cretin.
Slim Pickins
It's all right to believe in pygmy goats with big, bright purple eyes. Just keep it quiet in front of the FBI.
Cheese Balls
Right now, the chatter regarding Marvel movies is focused on the release of both Sore and Captain Amata and the Bruise Crew. Yet, it’s a fair bet that this time next year, we might be excited about the idea of the She Hulk's Clitoris movie.
In fact, scrub that, it’s hard not to be excited now, albeit tempered a little by wondering just how it can all work. For this is the movie where Marvel brings its largest part of a female sex organ to Imax screens and in 34D.
What, of course, makes the prospect of the film particularly promising, is the choice of Barry Vig to direct it. Vig has revealed that the shoot of the film has now begun, in the studios where he shoots most of his porn films.
In fact, do you like the way I say 'in fact' a lot, to make this sound like it's all fact? Vig revealed it a day or so back, but got arrested, so when he said that “Will you get that hairy fucking piece of cheesecake out of my face”. She-Hulk's Clitoris is due out in May 2012 and it's bound to make a big splash, especially if it's near water.
Bandage Strip
And you sir are a buffoon of disproportionate dimensions. Just remember who allowed you to screw his eight year old daughter when the going gets rough. Now, get out of my hovel and never darken my mouldy chairs with your stench again.
Parsley Bill
When asked by a serious journalist why he never went into writing proper books, Stan Lee said, "I was just a crap writer. Still am. Was crap with a typewriter and crap in bed. I'm amazed I had a daughter, I could barely get a hard on from the age of 18. Of course, I'd often get one when I watched Jack drawing Thor and he'd relieve me by pretending my cock was one of his cigars. I never talked about this before because most of it is fantasy; I don't think I ever had a real daughter, i think she was a mixture of plastic and my imagination, at least that's what she used to say to me when she was having sex with my fist."
Lee, 106, is regarded as a bit crap. I'm sorry that should have said regraded.
Nex tissue: whore's teeth, whores' teeth, whore's teet, nipples, tits, jubblies, curvature of the spine, aching balls, death watch Beatles, spork, porks, is sport dead, my doughnut is growing, empires and basements, globes, porcine gloves and elongated knives.
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