Crusty Testicles

Sodden Tongue

"I woke up and I could feel her rubbing something into my skin. I thought it was very sensual having body lotion rubbed into my body. She started on my legs and moved her way up so by the time I was fully awake she was rubbing it into my genitals and I had a massive erection and then I caught a whiff of it. The fucking mad woman was rubbing fox shit into me!" An exert from Bryan Talbot's new autobiography due out in Spain.

Talbot, the son of Lawrence Talbot, the famous werewolf of the 40s and 50s, first came to prominence with his first autobiography, The Tale of One Sad Twat. Then in 2000 he released his second and third autobiographies, before releasing a fourth in 2007 and then this latest one. The thing that makes the fans come back for more was summed up by Hortense Sleeve, a Christian comics fan from Ohio, when she said, "They're all different!"

Talbot's mother, who invented a car for the Chrysler Corporation in 1954, couldn't be at the launch because she runs a nightclub in Ibiza.

Banned on the Runs

Non-Caucasian artist Lienel Francis Yu has reported to the police and incident where his 12 year old sister was eaten by a small pond full of tadpoles. It took Yu more than an hour to explain to the police that he wasn't suggesting the pond ate his sister, but the tadpoles in the pond. When this fact was established, Yu said the police arrested 776 tadpoles and made joke coffee with them later that night to cheer up Lienel's parents, Mr & Mrs Yu, who didn't know what to do.

Helvetian Effrontery

Sad but true, you can't boil waves.

The last king of Spain was a comics fan and owned his own dado rail company.

Bourgeois Hamster

The police said they weren't surprised as Mr Fellink had previously been arrested on suspicion of impersonating a television reporter. In 2006, Fellink pretended to be Connie Chung to ply sexual favours from Congressman Walt D. Isnae, the congressman for Botswanaville, OK. According to reports, congressman Isnae wasn't aware that Fellink was a man until he ejaculated in his mouth while filming it and simulcasting on Facebook. "It was a shock. I thought she just had a very large clitoris."

Slime Dildo

'"It was a shock. I thought she just had a very large clitoris."' Just how often do you hear that now? It seems that over the last dozen or three years, more and more women are either taking lots of hormones to grow their clitorises to resemble small penises, or some men like having sex with other men while dressing up in panda outfits and yodelling like swans. To be frank, this has to stop and we should go back to living normal lives and loving our neighbours. But not in that way with squelch and queef, but in an I'd like to teach the world to sing kind of way, or failing that with a big hammer.

Pigs with Fake Noses

Transgenderation is what men who want their cocks chopping off and fake breasts inserted into their plectrums. It's wrong. Jesus wanted to be a woman and that's what really happened to him at Easter. He went to some dodgy Thai doctor who chopped his cock off and inserted fake breasts and Jesus died from toxic shock so they stuck him in a cave and a bear scared the shit out of the corpse so it came alive again and crapped on the bear and went down the pub. So don't do it. If you meet one of these freaks - fuck them with a baseball bat in their new twats and tell them that this wouldn't have happened if they'd had penises like real men do. Yeah!

Pond Warts

I can understand what it's like to be missing bits of my body.

Exit Ment: slander, beagles, gang rape, ventricular sex, bison wine, petite sixes, Velcro manor, Posh frocks as a statement not a description, chiefs or chieves, my French friend