The new leader of the Labour Party in the Great Kingdom of Ingerland, Ed Millipede has publicly stated that he got elected on his two main policies - the fact that he has a larger penis than his brother Dave and he intends to revolutionise comics in the UK by subsidizing the industry when Labour get back into power. "United Britain lags behind even countries like Rhodesia in its production of comics; last year alone Siam produced more comics per square foot than we did. I intend to travel to Northumbria and Cumberland in the next few weeks to see what these counties can offer in a way of producing more better comics. I have a meeting with people in Malaya and joining the Dutch on an Antilles search."
When asked if he knew anything about the comics industry, Millipede took his trouser snake out, waved it at the Manchester crowd and said, "See it is bigger than David's!"
Bolshoi Toad
Frazer Irving has been named as the new artist on Ejaculate Now a modern reworking of Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Irving told us, "Do you know that Buy, Guy and Puy are the only words that end in UY? I am a fan of Pop Will Eat Itself and you are not my mum."
Apparently, after a journalist in Kent began stalking the young artist, he has since refused to release all his press releases through his mother, Beryl Irving. However, Mrs Irving has lived in Berlin since auditioning for the part of children's undertaker for an avant garde theatre production. She didn't get the job, but she liked Berlin so much she bought an apartment.
Larch Tree Incest
John Byrne's latest offering Die Nigger Scum is likely to cause some offence according to Mike Richardson of Dark Horse. "Yeah, it's inflammatory and inciteful." When asked what the last word meant, he quickly altered his stance and claimed the book would incite riots. The man responsible for some comics for the last few years went on to say, "John's been off the scene since he ate his own spleen for charity; this is a perfect way to reintroduce him to modern comics readers. It also acts as a handy handbook for offing jiggerboos who are disturbing your nice suburban neighbourhood. The first issus comes with dum dum bullets."
Recidivist in Dock
"I've never felt comfortable writing songs for comics," said Lady Gaga, posing in a Wonder Woman costume at the recent MTV awards. "Marvel produces three Lady Gaga comics, one for adults, and I have to write at least 15 songs a month and frankly that isn't taxing enough."
Entangled Frottage
Golf is back in the news and DC is producing Superman v Lex Luthor: The Belfry, a two part tale of the arch-enemies battle on a golf course for world supremacy. Carol Sugarak, the editor of the comic and possibly a made up spam name, said, "Golf is so big its almost as big as an elephant, but with smaller testicles. This could be massive; we're thinking of making it interactive." When asked when DC started to employ women again, we have not heard anything from her; but she did offer to sell me some Viagra.
Remnants
Garcia Lopez has officially retired from drawing and will concentrate on breathing now he has been diagnosed with lung cancer.
Flugle Hornrim Glasses
A copy of Strange Males #1 recently sold for over $1000 at an auction in Newark. When asked why this was worth so much money, the man who bought it claimed, "the artist spunked all over this issue's splash page. I'm going to try and clone him." We didn't fail to see the irony in his sentence.
Anteater Banana Bread
David Beckham's new comic Galaxy Stars, which depicts his US Soccer team as superheroes has flopped in the USA. It has however been a huge success in India, where they need something to block some drains for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games. Mrs Sheila Dikshit said, "Laugh at my name again you cunt and I'll have you!"
So Near Yet So Far: bathing beasties, fallopian tube blowers, titanic struggles, beef cake, boiled head, red mullet, ham burglars, vandal sags, opticians fluid, steak, various flies, meal worm, caustic soda bread, trained beagles and more.
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