Boiled in Semen

Tryptic Jostle

• Why bother with shaving unwanted pubic hair off when you can buy a comic called Pube Eater, a new kind of superhero from Tokyopop.
• Or, if you have trouble signing your name with your own jet stream of diarrhoea, then buy the new Diarrhoea Diaries from Dark Horse.
• If that doesn't appeal to you, then how about Gwenital Warts, a new adult themed Spider-Man book from Marvel.
• Alternatively, you could plump for Dysfunctional Lesbians about two girls who want to be gay but just love cocks and other male birds.
• From Avatar is a new William Bird book called 1001 Ways to Cook with Female Ejaculate, which is pretty self explanatory, except its written as a novel rather than a self help book.
• If you're in a playful mood, why not buy Avengers: Fuck You or even Captain America: Encased in Shit?
• DC is big in the trousers at the moment with 100 Best Superhero Erections and its follow up title The Next 100 Best Erections.
• Frank Miller is having his anus moved to his elbow for charity.
• Image Comics attempt to change the course of history with I Killed the Man who Impregnated My Mother with Me, but is actually redrawing a Betty & Veronica banned issue from the 1960s - the one where Betty becomes a hippy, gets her tits out a lot and smokes some grass.
• Illustrated Cello Stories is a new book from David Mack and tells of his lusting of cellos from all ages.
• Beats Me is a new comic from a small independent publisher about masturbatory abuse; it has just been optioned as a porn film for $30.
• The Hulk's 50th anniversary in 2012 is to be celebrated by a free gift being given away with each issue of the big green guy's birthday comic. real Hulk shit encased in quartz is being offered. ebaY expects a stample wave - which they described as a cross between a stampede and a tidal wave.
• On a similar theme, both Daredevil and the X-Men are threatening to boycott 50th anniversary celebrations because of pieces of plastic found in complimentary orange juice.
• Since being forced to reveal to the world how he actually works, Superman and the guide to his body reaches its 50th issue with a look at how the Man of Steel's butt hole works.
• Mark Waid's follow up to my daughter has been declined by several publishers. Waid's Britney about a comicbook writer who gets accidentally stuck in a lift with Britney Spears for two weeks, was said to be too close to reality for comics.
• Millennium Bookses new title 30 Days of the True Twilight Blood Diaries at Night with Vampire Slayers has been cancelled because the cover artist ran out of space.
• Imaginary Sculptures With Mucous is the new semi-autobiographical book from Jay Faerber; the 71 page graphic novel is drawn by Jae Lee.
• Neil Gaiman's new comic, The Cricket Massacres is not set inside a water vole as first reported.
• Ever popular comics review site Shoot Your Load has been closed down after a lawsuit from various publishers claimed that the website was being paid in under age prostitutes to allow bad reviews of their books, while favouring publishers who performed acts of sexual perversity on them.
• President Barry apologised to many people yesterday after a news story about comics found its way into White House briefings. Bazza explained that not everybody would understand.
• Human cloning gone wrong!
• Alan Davis has a family of hedgehogs held captive in the shed at the foot of his garden.
• Alan Moore is allowing his beard to write an issue of Batman.
• Howard the Duck's first public appearance in more than a decade resulted in the manduck being savaged by two pit bull terriers. Doctors are now fearful that the dogs might go mad.
• The horrors of testicular cancer are examined in My Balls at Your Disposal a new comic from the French.
• Aleisha Dixon is not the new writer on Flash.
• The latest offering from God comics is likely to cause offence in Muslim countries as Allah has again been portrayed in a non positive light. In Islam: Hot Bed of Gay Sex, Allah is portrayed as a pink flannelette wearing camp man wearing lipstick and happily wiping his festering penis on unsuspecting Christians. Muslims across the world just shrugged, wondering what the problem was.

Cross Porpoises

Never trust a man with a lemon.