Nasal Erection

Mitt der Schitz

That Japanese manga publisher that does okay in this market, can't remember their name, but they sell shit loads of really heavy books. Well, anyhow, they're bringing a series of new Kodomo manga books out and while they are readily accepted as the norm in Japan, there are questions being raised as top whether these should be made available to the USA and Britain.

The first of this new range is the exquisitely titled How to Shit Properly and is a 64 page self-help book aimed at the 3 to 6 age group. Full of graphic imagery and a revolutionary new 'pan scan', where the artist imagines himself as the water in the toilet bowl and captures the moments from the first turtle's head to the final dramatic big splosh! The writer and artist Katsuhiro Backracandballs (his father was a Filipino) explained that when he was a child he had an unusual fear of stools and not just the kind you sit on.

This is followed in May by My First Orgasm, which is available in two versions - male and female.

June's kodomo offering is Allowing Otosan to Fiddle with You; July's will be the Otomo inspired In Praise of Pubis Mons and in August, the highly controversial Jillosan & Jackosan Make a Baby, which even the Japanese, as unscrupulous as they are, are finding a little too extreme.

Ventricle Interface

Americans are the most stupid people on the planet is the latest work of renowned computer bloke Cory Doctorow and is likely to be adapted into a comic by Dark Horse. The book and subsequently the comic will feature single page examples of why Americans, more than any other race on the face of this planet (and the other one we found but are keeping quiet about) are so unbelievably stupid there should be a eugenics law passed somewhere.

Caged Koalas

Joyce Chen, famed almost for her sexual antics as she is for anything else in her life, has drawn a comicbook all about naked Muslim virgins being slaughtered by fascist white Christian capitalists and has made the comic only available in very extreme Muslim countries. The comic, she claims, gives the message to the Muslims that, "We aint going to take no more of your shit and if you start fucking us up, we'll start impregnating your women with the foetuses of dead American servicemen. Yeah!"

Mystery of Monroe Manor

Roger Stern admitted on David Lettermen last week that he has been addicted to the smell of his own underwear and he is actively seeking help from specialists in the field (namely two laundry workers in Hoboken).

Beat this!

James Cameron, now regarded as the most cool person on the planet, is to make a new film, using the 3D technique that worked so well with his latest film. It will be a 4 minute film of him masturbating in front of a mirror until he reaches a climax. The effects will be so realistic, you'll think you've just been shot in the eye with a jet of his rich, warming, semen.

Fuck Buttons

In fact, why not fuck all crap pantomime characters? But no, it's neither anything to do with a strange British techno duo or pantomimes; it's the latest fetish to arrive from Croatia.

Illuminated Quim

By the time you finish reading this sentence someone, somewhere, will have pissed themselves and they will be between the ages of 18 and 35 and will not be a) drunk, b) ill or 3) a pervert.

Slide that Battenburg this way!

Walter Koenig is to play himself in a comicbook adaptation of the re-making of the Ewok Christmas special. Koenig, who is also writing, directing and producing, is to play Chekov Ewok, from the Ewok equivalent of the USSR and he will actually kill Darth Vader, but bring him back to life because he's good that way.

Next time: ventilated streams, boiled pork, stove hats, bicycle clips, cheese string, braised lungs, abstract cabbage, housing estates, guillemot wings, pierced feet, sponge bob, large angels, bullied frogs, candid limes, borrowed time, leaching, pussy pout, bang alore, bang ladesh, anal sweat, toilet humour, gabardine mac, steely impulse, oral fixation, coined response, alligator tears, bored walk, John Byrne, Super Mario indulges in lots of anal sex while stringing his poor wife along, plumbing catastrophes, Lloyd bridges and scurrilous turkey.