There's more to life than runny poo

Diagnostically Speaking

Just what do men get out of lighting their own farts? Why are women secretive masturbaters? Are babies all psychopaths? Was Hitler a poof? Can you put your entire hand and arm up your own backside? How many ferrets can you hang off your arm? How do you colour a void? How much concrete can you put into your wife's mouth before it kills her? If you cut a woman's nipples off will the blood squirt or dribble? What is need? Are lesbians made out of wood? These are just a sample of the questions being asked in the new IDW comic, innovatively entitled The Answers to a Million Questions You Never Thought You Would Get Answered (or Even Asked!) and allegedly has Evan Dorkin attached to it; but sources close to me say that Dorkin is just supplying bits of his pyjamas as an incentive to buy.

And Addiction with Disconnection

'Scraping the bottom of a barrel full of shit-eating monkeys', that's how Peter David described J.M. Straczynski's decision to resurrect Babylon 5 characters in The Amazing Spider-Man. 'He has no place including fictional characters into this. I don't know what Parker was thinking if he agreed to this!"

The uproar is obvious; with upcoming issues to feature Londo Molari, G'Kaar and rogue Vorlon, the general feeling amongst the billions of comics readers worldwide is one of dismay and slight nausea. 'They're even doing a series of issues featuring that telepathic psychopath Bester played by Koenig; the entire Min'Baari nation and one issue has a team up that just doesn't work for me. Sheridan wouldn't dress like Red Sonja and sing love songs by camp fire. I think Jim has gone fucking mad!'

We approached the writer for a direct quote, but he was unavailable. His personal assistant, Angela Lansbury, said, 'He's busy trying to cram some Murder She Wrote characters into a new X-Men graphic novel.'

Cunt!

Incandescent Happiness

I was approached by a man claiming to be #### ####### on Wednesday. He started shouting at me and claiming that I was out of date, no longer relevant in this world and spent far too much time talking about the has beens of yesteryear rather than the stud muffins of today. I had a Bic pen in my pocket and without him noticing I pulled it out and jabbed the pointed end into one of his eyeballs. Whoever he claimed to be he'll have to draw with one eye now!

Janis Joplin's Hole

I've always been a fan of hills, so when I was offered the chance to write a comic about a friendly hill in the Malverns, I just had to refuse.

Rancid Ring Piece

Now, I'm not a big fan of Bon Jovi, but one has to admire dead novelist Michael Creighton for his ability to cage rhinos. Never in the history of things with a history has there been such an insignificant lump of coal that was unfit for the furnaces of hell itself. But enough of this and some more of this.

You Have to Admit you Loved the Feel of My Warm Hand down The Front of Your Pants

We don't often talk about Zimbabwe or their burgeoning comics industry and if it wasn't for the money transferred into my account by a friend of Robert Mugabe, I would be talking about it now, but there's a new comic coming out of Harare and its going to rock the world so hard it'll think something just chopped one of its lungs out.

Acronym Bestid is a new comic from Umzele M'wankwa and N'gongo N'gonga Mzalawerri Bishtu III and I really have no idea what its about and from the unlettered samples I have, it appears to be about a very well endowed prison guard relentlessly raping young black boys until they all start to love him. The first issue is released in June and retails for $52,000,000 (or about 30cents in real money).

Next Time: Fortunate sole; insubordinate mice, coiled spring, devilishly simple, proportionately proportioned; phenomenal vagina; medium penis, endangered pasta; gravelled drive, Nominee bird, beloved wimple, translucent hinge, doped card, lounge men, pistachio newt, grand ball, eleven nuns and fourteen ways to abstain from fiddling with children that are being overtly sexual towards you.