The Starlings have Eaten his Clitoris

Evangelism after a faggot

I’m sick to death of this Haiti earthquake nonsense. So a lot of Haitians died? I can think of at least 3 reasons why we shouldn’t help them.

1. Haiti is next to Cuba and Cuba’s run by commies.
2. What have the Haitians ever done for you?
3. It’s full of voodoo loving jiggerboos!

Surely, these are good enough reasons alone to just ignore them and hope that something else happens to take our minds off of it. Plus, what have the Haitians ever given us in terms of comics and entertainment? Very little that I can think of. Maybe they’d win a zombie competition, but my money would be on any friends of George A. Romero.

If you have any money to send to the appeal, send it to me instead and I’ll spend it on all manner of sordid sexual activities, but if you include a return address, I’ll send you some photos.

Selfish cod

Over in Englandland, there’s controversy over world famous comicbook writer Alan Moore’s penis, which, it seems, has removed itself from the writer’s body and has started it own business in neighbouring Bedfordshire.

“I was fed up with the weird cunt,” he said, reflecting on his 50 odd years attached to the bearded magician. “All that Tantric sex was doing my foreskin in; I need a good sheath to slide into, none of this psychic energies bollocks.”

When asked what his new business would involve, the penis said, “Fruit and veg, mate. That and a few other little sidelines.”

Would he consider writing? “Well, I’ve written my memoirs, ‘Attached to a Beardo Weirdo’ and that’s coming out from HarperCollins in 2011 and I have a series of novels, all with the ‘Cock of’ prefix. But, other than that, no, no intentions to go into writing. I’ll let gangly nutters do that.”

The Magnetic Ovary

Colleen Doran has turned to God to aid her in her pursuit of an immaculate conception. Doran, still considered highly spunk-on-able by heteros in the comics world, has given up full on penetrative sex, but still wants to have a child before she gets too old. “I’ve been praying to God and asking him to come to me and cum in me while I sleep. I wouldn’t necessarily bring the child up as the son or daughter of God, but it would have a nice school and lots of pretty pictures to look at.”

Leaching Skidmarks

Frank Quitely’s pet Pangolin has gone missing in Glasgow and it is feared the mammal* might die if it doesn’t kill someone first. “It might be a little hungry, it likes crisps and deep-fried Mars Bars,” said Frankly.

*Are pangolins mammals? – Ed

Show me a Quim

Brad Pitt, who has recently announced he will be writing Spider-Man for Marvel, has bought a new washing machine, of which he is said to be very happy with. When asked if it was a Bosch, Pitt ran and hid behind an aspidistra that was growing outside a small hardware store.

Where Eagles Crap

The New York Times has claimed that Stan Lee actually died in 1979 and the man pretending to be the former head of Marvel is actually a construct made out of Lego. NYT journalist, Bandy Boohoolay said, “We were told to check certain records, but when we couldn’t find these records, we made loads of stuff up and people have believed us.”

The newspaper is being sued by a Danish toy manufacturer and the man they claim is an impostor. Boomhoolay said, “I cannot believe someone that old can still possibly be alive. If you take his trousers off, I’ll bet he has no genitals.”

Homoerotic Glands

The last time someone saw Bruce Banner was just before Christmas, leading to people to believe that the current crop of comics are actually made up stories and not biographical records of battles. When asked, Marvel editor Joey da Q said, “What? What the fuck are you talking about? Who said Banner hasn’t been seen? He’s staying at my place in Wisconsin for the winter, he needs a break. I saw him just last weekend; I know this because I had to admonish him for using my bath gown.”

Familiarity Breeds Mildew

Lara Croft has refused to open a pet shop in Tulsa, claiming the train journey takes too long to get there. “I asked for a private plane, but they refused and gave me a train ticket. I’ll be fucked if I’m spending 24 hours on a train; especially as there’s a Geekfest in the same place. You get asked to do these prestigious events and then they fuck it up, like a bunch of rancid cunts, but insisting you go by rail. I’ve cancelled and I’m opening a dentist’s surgery in New Jersey on Friday instead.”

Blown Up Vagina

A new comic from IDW and drawn by veteran Bernard Wrightson is actually not a comic at all, but a instruction manual for inserting explosives into body parts and then detonating them. No one is writing the book, but the 72-year-old artist has been given various different explosives and a number of Playboy bunnies and will report back when they’re all dead.

The Gay Goose and the Happy Hog

This article has been removed at the request of the Homophobic Gosling Society of Uzbekistan. There was a last minute appeal from the Jovial Pig Group of Islam, but this was ignored by me. – Ed

Nest time: stinky fish, sweaty beavers, emaciated clams, wasted chestnuts, dancing beef, loitering marshmallow, bare potato and screaming blue jays.