Octogonal Jizzum

Pray to the Big White Gerbil

Autobiographical comics are ten a penny nowadays, but in a bold move, Marvel is entering the field (via a side gate) with its latest offering: The Ballad of Big Cunt and Mario. Based on the real life of a student and a plumber and its full of the kind of action you'd expect in a superhero porn movie!

Big Cunt is a rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights kind of girl, who led a sheltered life until she discovered that shoving men's penises up her twat gave her immense pleasure. In fact, whenever she couldn't get a penis, she got something equally as penetrative.

Mario is a weedy little plumber, who thanks to much time wanking and ego massaging transformed into a bullet-headed ass stallion.

The first issue starts in a small city in the north of England. Big Cunt is still a virgin, but has been having plenty of fingers, thumbs, pens, pencils, carrots and even her mother's dildo up her twat. The reason for this is she has been told that real men have foot long dongs and she needs to accommodate it or she'll split in two and never have babies. She ends the first issue being called a prick teaser by her ex-boyfriends, who didn't mind the inanimate objects shows all the same.

Meanwhile, further south, a young man sits round a table playing Dungeons and Dragons with his equally sad and slightly smelly friends. He just dreams of being a he-man stud (and he's still not sure whether he wants a pussy or a hairy man's ass) but in reality he's a bullet-headed freak who fixes radiators. Then he stumbles across a secret spell in his D&D game, a spell that made him irresistible to women, especially when he flashed his expensive sports car at them or waved his huge wad of cash. Before long, he was having sex almost every night. The problem was, the more women he slept with the less responsive his cock became.

Issue #2 starts three years later. Big Cunt is in the big city at a big university with big expectations. She hates it. None of her friends are here and she has forgotten her sex toys; there's only the next door neighbour's dog to keep her satisfied and she doesn't have enough grant money to keep it in spam. One sunny spring day, after she's successfully missed most of the term through a form of imaginary flu, she accidentally needs a plumber - her desperation for something massive up her hole has led to her ripping the drainage pipe from the sink. Who should walk in but Mario, the plumber with a big wad.

Big Cunt discovers that Mario quite likes her, but is slightly perturbed by the fact that he appears to like her ass hole better and when they finally get down to performing the beast with two backs, it's only because she'll allow him to violate her in a very homosexual manner. But at least he can sustain an erection when his cock is covered in shit. Then Mario disappears out of her life unexpectedly (he's shagging a number of other women and possibly a couple of men) and she's left abandoned with a larger sphincter than she had before.

Issue 3 sees the couple reunited and living in a mansion. They have been together for a number of years, but Big Cunt can't remember how many exactly. She has struggled to be successful in any of her jobs and decides she wants to go back to university and learn rather than play with objects and inserting them up her fanny. Mario doesn't like this idea because he's already worked out that apart from a good ass slapping, this girl is as useless as fuck; but she can cook and clean and doesn't mind cleaning his shitty cock with her mouth after he's failed again to ejaculate inside her.

Big Cunt is due to start university in the September, so takes a job until then. It is here she meets Too-Good-to-be-True and falls madly in love with him. Not only does he treat her like a human being, he doesn't expect her to offer him her ass. Everything is rosy for a number of months; Big Cunt leads a double life, despite Mario sensing that she is being porked by another. But then Too-Good-to-be-True makes a fatal error; he asks Big Cunt to run away with him. Everything about the suggestion seems good, apart from having to give up her sports car, her nice house, her big garden and Mario's rich and influential friends. It's just too much to sacrifice for the sake of being happy.

Meanwhile Mario is getting worse; he's back to his philandering ways and is sleeping with enough tail to put him at risk from a number of serious sexually transmitted diseases. He's hiding gay porn from Big Cunt and he's using his nephew as both a foot iron and an alibi for all of his dillying and dallying. The two have attempted to have sex three times in two years and only once did it amount to more than a few pushes and a floppy dick.

Too-Good-to-be-True tries desperately to convince Big Cunt that her future lies with him, but after a brief attempt to see if it can work, she realises that she can't live without her materialistic lifestyle and ends it. Too-Good-to-be-True looks at her, calls her a stupid cunt and leaves her to a life of misery and ill health. Mario runs off with a soldier.

Sounds like an adaptation of my uncle Harry's life, but I suppose there are only a couple of stories, it just depends on how they are told. I have no idea who is drawing or writing this, only that if you spot the 13 clowns hidden discreetly throughout the three issues, you will receive a used Durex and some menstrual blood spotted panties.

At the risk of sounding Crass

Hasn't Stan Lee died yet?

Next Trip: badgers with warts, glum sloths, polystyrene teeth, pampered turnips, Australian curry, crash bandicoot, melon kim, glad rags, rotting gum, peace meal, plain soup, general alarm, borrowed time, sandwich spread, Beatle juice and boil in the bag carrots.