Retard Sale

After hours of planning, the Comic Book Channel launches on July 1st. Here is the listing for the opening day.

6:00 - Good Morning Comic Fans

Jimmy Palmiotti, Kirsty Swanson, Matt Wagner and Keira Knightly present a daily round up of all the latest comics news, interviews and Phil Jiminez presents the weather!

9:00 - Nibsy Boo

Balesh Tindoori presents a new quiz game where the contestants have to create a superhero using only jelly and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.

10:00 - Sing-a-long with Neil Gaiman

Join Neil and his guests for a fun filled hour (minus commercial breaks) as they perform old show tunes and dress up in women's clothing.

11:00 - Film at 11

A montage of images depicting film; from the stuff that floats on the bath to canisters of early 20th century nitrate. Presented by Shia Lebouef.

11:30 - News

Presented by Keith Pollard with a weather feature from Linda Medley topless.

11:45 - Fought For the Day

Mike Netzer is this week's guest speaker as he talks about the Israeli struggle using issues of Micronauts from the 1970s.

12:00 - Real Life Comic Heroes

A series of dramatised plays kicks off with a biopic about Jack Kirby and his ability to swallow his own cock.

14:00 - Film: Ka-Zar

Marvel's version of Tarzan comes to the big screen with Jesse Eisenberg playing Kevin Plunder and Justin Timberlake as Zabu.

16:00 - The Big Draw Off

Five top artists have to draw a famous naked actress before five fanboys ejaculate five times. Rolling jackpot. Presented by Walt Simonson.

17:00 - Awooga

Topical discussion programme chaired by a fanboy chosen at random. The topics of discussion will vary depending on the chairman, but they could be about anything. To kick the programme off Lloyd Curly from Basalt in Oregon asks the panel of professionals, have you ever got semen on a page of finished art and would you let your mother drink your piss?

18:00 - Stand Up with Mark Waid

New comedy show about a successful comics writer who is hit on the head by a bucket of fried chicken and thinks he's a comedian when he gets confused about the definition of comics. Slapstick hilarity with Charlie Sheen as Waid and a lot of unknown clunge as the women who constantly reject him.

18:30 - Smeg Lessons

Personal hygiene tips with Simon Bisley.

19:00 - Onan the Bare-barian

Sword and sorcery at its best in this pilot episode for anew series about a warrior who cannot wear clothes and his sidekick, the delightfully named Weeping Pussy. Stars Jason Mamoa and Karen Gillan.

20:00 - Film: I Killed John Byrne

Fictional account of the violent murder of the Canadian comicbook artist by a pack of rabid Mounties. Stars Rutger Hauer as Byrne and Stephen Furst as Chris Claremont. Paul Smith appears as himself.

22:00 - News

Presented by Joe Sacco and Dan Clowes.

22:30 - There's Something Fishy About Steve

New comedy starring Jason Staham as Steve Geppi.

23:00 - The Paul Levitz Interview

The former head of DC interviews his favourite hot dog vendor.

0:00 - Top of the Hour

Live by satellite from a secret location; Richard Starkings and Leo Baxendale present the first round to find the filthiest female comics fan.

01:00 - Quim Sucker

What happens when the world's vampires all discover they can live on female ejaculate. Documentary from acclaimed director Garth Ennis.

03:00 - Eat My Sweaty Cock

Grant Morrison and Tina Robbins present this popular tropical farmyard quiz show.

04:30 - International Comics

A look at porn comics from around the country, starting with an accountant in Penge who has been drawing sex comics since he was seven.

05:00 - Elephant Tits

The hunt to find a husband for a woman who reads comics and eats. Veronica Archie weighs 600lbs and hasn't seen her vagina since she gave birth to a horse in a field in 1999. Since then, she has been traumatised, lived with Hank Pym for a while and then despite her size had breast enlargements to give her the biggest jugs in the world. Now she wants a husband! Presented by Erik Larsen.

05:45 - Closedown