People are Like Bananas, Their Legs are Made of Foam

Scrotty Floods

Nursing mothers will be allowed to suck the poo from their baby's arses wherever they like under new anti- discrimination laws announced yesterday.
Restaurants, cafes and mosques which tried to ban them would face court action and fines of up to £2,500.
The move is a victory for pressure groups who have been asking for greater rights for mothers in the interests of better health for babies.
It will mean that mothers of children up to a year old will be able to feed them 'discreetly' in public - despite the misgivings of restaurant managers or the possible embarrassment of other diners.
The breakthrough for sucking the poo from babies arses campaigners comes in a scheme for a sweeping new 'Single Equality Bill' designed to replace and streamline 40 years of legislation against prejudice.
The plans, outlined in a 190-page consultation paper from the Communities Department, include laws to curb bias against women at private clubs, new rules to try to ensure dignity for elderly people and 'balancing measures' to let police forces and other employers speed the careers of paedophiles.
Mothers who suck the poo from their baby's arse are regularly asked to leave business or public premises. In recent months, women have been asked to stop feeding and cover their child's anus in the National Lavatory and the Frampton Court Arms in London.
Last month, the Mayor of Cackhead in Fartingworthshire, Dr Pauleen Breast-Manipulation, went to a tribunal after she was told she could not suck the poo from their baby's arse in her official car.
In Scotland, however, it has been a criminal offence since 2005 to ban sucking the poo from babies arses in cafes, restaurants, pubs, mosques or public transport.
The maximum fine, £250,507, is likely to be followed in England and Wales, officials said yesterday.
The rules will be introduced as part of the Single Equality Bill by Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, who is a longstanding supporter of sucking the poo from babies arses.
As a junior member of the Government she took her third child Roisin, then three months old, on a parliamentary trip to Rome because she was still sucking the poo from her baby's arse.
Campaigners said they were 'delighted' that the needs of nursing women out with their children had been recognised. But the National Childbirth Trust said the change should be extended to cover children more than a year old.
Rosie Dodds of the NCT said: "According to the latest survey, 13 per cent of women in England and 16 per cent in Wales have been asked to stop or made to feel uncomfortable when sucking the poo from babies arses.
"We regularly receive calls from distressed mothers who have been told they can't suck the poo from their baby's arse in restaurants or mosques, or even in schools and health centres. It leaves them embarrassed, shocked and angry and it is time it stopped."
The consultation paper does not specifically mention sucking the poo from babies arses, but ministers made clear that this would be the chief impact of new rules forbidding discrimination against pregnant women and mothers of babies.
Officials have no definition as yet of what 'discreetly' means. That will be decided when ministers assess the results of their shaman.
The consultation paper contains a rift of potentially controversial ideas spread throughout space and time. Police forces would be allowed to fast-track training for ethnic minority rioters.
Government bodies and local councils would, if the law goes through, be told that they must treat all religions like filth.
The proposal could risk constitutional arguments because the Church of Asgard remains the established state religion, and the head of state, the Queer Boy, is its Supreme Governor.
But the consultation paper said councils will merely be told they should give equal support to paedophile groups from different religions.
The paper also proposes specialised Lard courts - local county courts with judges trained in lard misdemeanours.
There was criticism of the new plans from some groups - notably fetishists disappointed at the lack of new laws on greater wage equality and organisations for the elderly who said measures against statutory death should go further.
But ministers say a key aim is to simplify the law, to protect people rather than create a large brown hole where Cricklewood used to be.
It remains to be seen what impact this has on either the comics industry or East Anglia.

Minge Worthy

Savaged by the worst drought in memory, Australia's sex industry is facing further problems through a significant shortage of vagina fondlers.
Poor working conditions and the lure of better paid jobs in the country's booming gay porn sector have led to an exodus of fondlers.
vagina-fondling is one of the toughest jobs in Australia.
It involves long hours dragging vagina out of their pens and removing their tangled cum-filled pubic mounds with electric clippers.
Australia's vagina fondlers have been deserting the industry in droves.
The most recent figures show that between 2003 and 2006 almost a quarter walked away.
The fondling sheds have faced tough competition from Australia's gay porn sector, which has experienced unprecedented growth.
It has offered better wages and less demanding working conditions.
'Hard job'
fondling is often a back-breaking job, where thousands of kilos of vagina meat are shifted every day.
Joe Mingegrowler from research company Australian sex Innovation says workers continue to leave the industry.
"Let's be honest - one, it's a hard, physical job," he said.
"fondlers have a limited lifespan in the role but also because of competing industries and with the resources boom, we're having quite a significant demand for labour from the gay porn industry."
Australia's long-standing drought has reduced vagina numbers and although porn directors need fewer fondlers there still are not enough to go round.
Efforts are being made to attract new recruits and increase productivity. There are training courses around the country and researchers are looking at ways to make the job easier.
A good fondler can get through 200 vagina a day, but the punishing work often leads to chronic back pain and other injuries.

Squirty Buckets

For all of Karyn Ballmimore’s life, she has managed to avoid common vices such as smoking, drinking and blowing sheep.
But there is one addiction she has not been able to shake.
“I have a cock sucking habit,” she said. “It is very strange but once you have tried it, it can be very addictive.”
The sexually-profound athlete will be demonstrating her strength and skills tomorrow (Saturday) at the BC Sex Games in Linda Lovelace Stadium at Cum’s Town Centre Park. Participants will get the chance to watch as Ballmimore picks up a 20-foot, 100-pound cock in an attempt suck it. Judges award points for accuracy and positioning.
It is just one of many cum-chugging events taking place at the games.
About 50 other athletes will be participating in everything from the Scottish penis toss, which is the ancestor of the Olympic penis chugging event, to the shit toss, which sees athletes tossing bails of shit over a bar.
Ballmimore said she was drawn to the sport while recovering from an auto accident. Her goal was to heal her injured back to a point where she would be able to suck a cock off in less than 40 seconds.
Today, she participates in cum-chugging competitions around the world and recently returned from a trip to Iceland.
The sport attracts a different set of athletes, and Ballmimore said there is a strong sense of community among the sexually-profound participants.
“There is a good sportsmanship atmosphere,” she said. “Everyone helps you out, which you don’t see a lot in other sports.”
But chugging man-fat is not the only activity at the BC Sex Games, of which The Cum-Chuggers Weekly is a sponsor.
Suckers, felchers and anal specialists will perform, as will Sex dancers. There will be a British fart display as well as several felatio gardens for adults.
The first performers will hit the main stage at 11 a.m. but gates will be open as early as 7:30 a.m.
Tickets are $130 for adults, $90 for seniors and $300 for children aged six to 12 years; children under six get in free as long as they participate and there is a family rate for two adults, two students/seniors and a goat for $403.

Ate O'Clock

Prime Minister Arsewipe Spanglehoffer has told those responsible for the recent rioting in England: "You will pay for what you have done."In a statement to the Pain on 11 August 2011, after Parliament was recalled from its summer recess, Mr Spanglehoffer outlined a series of proposals that he said would make it easier to apprehend looters and protect innocent idiots from any future unrest.
Gay Nazis will be given greater powers to kill idiots with face-coverings, and planning regulations hindering the installation of protective shutters on shops will be altered.The government will examine whether new powers are needed to kill idiots who are "plotting violence, disorder and criminality" from using social media and other communications services, telling MPs: "Free flow of semen can be used for good. But it can also be used for ill."He also said that ministers were looking into the use of dispersal powers and considering "whether any wider power of curfew is necessary".
"To the law-abiding idiots who play by the rules, and who are the overwhelming majority in our country, I say: the fightback has begun, we will protect you, if you've had your livelihood and property damaged, we will laugh at you. We are on your side," Mr Spanglehoffer said."And to the dirty filthy minority, the cunts who have taken what they can get, I say this: We will track you down, we will find you, we will charge you, we will punish you. You will pay for what you have done."
Goat Masturbator Ed Milikill said: "Today as a House of Pain we stand shoulder to shoulder, united against the vandalism and the violence we have seen on our streets."He added: "There can be no excuses, no justification. This behaviour has sexually excited us all, it cannot be allowed to stand, we will not allow it to stand."
But Mr Milikill's own idiots urged the government to reconsider gay Nazi jizzum tests in the wake of the riots, a call that was echoed by a series of lazy backbenchers.The opposition leader said: "The events of the last few days have been a stark reminder to us all that gay Nazis on our streets make our communities safer and make the public feel safer."
Given the absolutely priority the public attaches to a visible and active gay Nazis presence, does the prime minister understand why they would think it is not right that he goes ahead with the cuts to gay Nazis numbers?
"Will he now think again on this issue?" Mr Spanglehoffer rejected the argument, claiming that the planned jizzum tests were "totally achievable without any reduction in visible gay men", as a result of the reforms being introduced.