David Mack returns to comics next month with Knit Like a Cunt, which, according to some, is a tale of a renegade ninja knittist with the ability to knit samurai swords. This is not to be confused with Lea Hernandez's own recent release Knit Me a Cunt about a sentient rag doll that yearns to have sex.
John Byrne claims it was only a matter of time before knitting made an impact on comics, "It was only a matter of time before knitting made an impact on comics," he said. "I expected it to happen around the time I was doing the FF; there was a lot of knitwear products on the market, especially during the winter and Jim Shooter was about to give the green light on an all wool comic when Mad Sheep Disease struck many farms. I always thought it would be the Vietnamese who would crack the knitting comics thing."
Marvel Comics spokesperson Gordon Ramsey said, "We have no plans as yet to produce comics with a knitting theme, but we did, secretly, launch an entire mini-series with a wool fibre weaved into the pages. I can't say which one because it had a relatively low print run and we all know what happens when things like that get popular, eh?"
Rumour has it there is a plan to reunite John Arcudi with that Mahnke guy and do a Woollen Mask Special. DC's plans for Wool Man have been put on hold.
Sisters are Doing it to Themselves
Slave to the rhythm? Bored of the flies? Molly Ringwald and Chuck Dixon's guide to Masturbating in the War Zone might just be the book for you! Apparently, because of the adrenaline rush that fighting in a war gives some men, they get uncontrollable erections, resulting in unsightly protuberances at the front of their camouflages and combats. All armies are loathe to allow men wank breaks, especially when ol' raghead is firing mortar bombs at your ass; so these two stalwarts of war and wanking have teamed up together for a 32-page whizz through places to have a pull.
Twiggy Arsedust and the Spidercrabs from Venus
Remonstrate all you want, Marvel is cancelling Avengers versus the Wart Things through lack of story. Described by some as possibly the fucking weirdest piece of shit ever to grace comics; Ken Lashley and some Diaz guy have crafted a tale that transcends all logic and doesn't even feature an Avenger in any of the issues so far...
Marshmallow Falls is a quiet place in the back end of Vermont. It has no secret history, no skeletons in its metaphorical cupboard, no rutting teenagers while their parents are at PTA meetings. It is totally normal, except for the Lard Creatures that live throughout the town; just vaguely humanoid beings comprised completely of refined beef fat. No one pays them any attention and if strangers comment, they have their tongues cut out and their memories erased with a red glowing stick.
One day. Ralph, who is a Brush Monster, but a benign one, wanders into the the picturesque town and pays the Lard Creatures no bother. He's seen them before, especially in Palm Springs and Georgia - the country, not the State. This pleases the locals and they start lavishing berries on him like he was a hibernating bear just waking from a glorious winter's sleep. He is offered his own little house and a weekly allowance of otter spunk and all is quiet and normal for the first 47 issues, then, on the even of the announcement that the series is to be cancelled Mrs Van Der Bilt is exposed as a tree; Mr Bladwort is given electro shock treatment by a rabid nurse, Eric the Viking's son tells Kimmy that it isn't that he doesn't fancy her, it's just that he's really a satyr; Melrose and Flange, the undertakers are revealed to be ghouls who collect Lego and our hero, Ralph is transformed into a broom just as the sky is full of vaguely Japanese looking wart things!
"We had so much planned," said Lashley; Diaz was inconsolable and unable to speak to us. "He invested so much time; he lost an entire field of turnips through neglect to do this project and we thought it was just beginning to pay some dividends." Lashley claims he's going to move to France and milk children.
I've Seen the Light
Former Valiant Comics letterer Janet Jackson has been arrested for exposing one of her breasts at this year's Superbowl. Ms Jackson, 47 and former concubine of the previously mentioned Jim Shooter, is said to have become delusional about her name over recent years, especially now she is living on welfare and sleeps with tramps to keep warm.
Egg Albumen
A large number of comics professionals led by Mark Waid, Len Kaminski and some other fat guys, Mike W. Barr included, are threatening to go on strike unless they are paid more money by comics companies, because, they claim, they need to eat more than the average person to keep their rich imaginations flowing. "We demand more money. More money means more Twinkies!" These were just four of the slogans they were seen chanting by a Hot Dog Stand in Oregon.
Sam of Sam's Hot Dogs said, "they're always stopping off here for a bite or six. I know it's a long way from New York, but these guys get all their travel costs paid for by Sony, so if they claim they need to go to Oregon for research some little Jap in Tokyo is just going to scratch his signature over a sheet of shit and here are my boys. They especially love my mom's sauerkraut." Barr, who also suffers from chronic IBS and now needs to be transported around by a mini crane said, "are you going to eat that roll?"
The Funniest Joke I never Saw
Speaking of Irritable Bowel Syndrome; this is a problem that many comics professionals suffer from. It is apparently caused by spending too much time pondering on the toilet when they should just evacuate and them get off the pot. Achievers spend less than 3 minutes having a shit; if it doesn't come out after a gentle push, it isn't ready. Pull them shorts back up and get on with the course of your day. Forcing poo from your bum is a bad idea and causes tension in your rectum, relaxing the blood vessels and eventually allowing them to swell with diseased blood; when these eventually pop it's normally at a posh friend's dinner party and right near something pristine white; it is often accompanied by the smell of poo and disease. You will lose many friends; no one will invite you for dinner again and you will probably die from blood poisoning.
Cerebral Poultry
One of the largest comic book producers in the known universe, Maldives Comics, have been spending the last four years looking for new premises or tough enough stilts to be able to continue producing some of the most popular comics ever ever. However, countries have not been quick in offering alternatives to the company. "We were offered a small shed in Port Talbot in Wales and most of the Australian Outback, which seemed like a good idea especially as they promised to throw in a generator, but they also insisted we took no water and a box of poisonous frogs. We're considering buying a raft from Millets and just producing our stuff while floating around off the coast of Madagascar," said Jose Bean, who works there.
Boom!
An upcoming issue of Ms Marvel is to focus on the plight of hairy women and a Wonder Woman special will deal with the issue of fishy vaginal odours in two comics aimed at heightening women's awareness of personal hygiene levels after UN reports suggested women were now much dirtier than men but far more surreptitious about it. "Woman smell and have cheesy motts!" Is what one Blogger wrote, while another said, "I know a girl who can grow weeds in her arse!" A spokesperson for women said, "Will you just grow up."
Naughty Insides: egg custards, craven dale, leech curry, crinoline, vague recollections, brass toff, ink lined, shopping trophy, seminal fluid, pank, rolled over, baron land, slow boiled fat, unshaven havens, fast relief, pink gin, pinking, ping kin, lava bread, ugly Staines, what ford, boat face and a leprechaun with a fetish for lime smeared radish soufflé rubbed into his sores while a naked pygmy sings the songs of Val Doonican under a green spotlight.
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