The latfo of Scrunge

Ribena Enema

If the saying, 'wherever I lay my hat is my home' is correct, then tonight Matthew I'm sleeping in Cameron Diaz's vagina... Or at least that's the premise of new game show called Fark My Sheep, a nautical quiz with an Iraqi twist.

Conjugal Tights

Labia Minora or labia majora, which are your favourites? Personally, I find it quite disgusting if you have that flappy bit of flesh dangling lower than the rim. I just want to attack it with a pair of very sharp milliners' scissors. That or let my starving ferret loose on her mott.

Peace Meal

British based artist Simon Coleby has recently set fire to a complete collection of bingo wings, belonging to elderly women, all over the age of 60. Coleby who has been collecting these objects since his mother was attacked by a rabid pensioner claims that it's all very therapeutic. "It's all very therapeutic!" He also admitted to a fondness for marshmallows and doughnuts, but said he would never consider ones with sprinkles on them.

Wedged Flange

Glen Fabry, another Englander, is currently working on a 64-page graphic novel about his own anus. Called Shit On This it's about an effort to defecate on as many sheep as he can in a 24 hour period. Hollywood have expressed an interest in this and Mel Gibson wants to play Fabry's arse.

Laminated Aluminum

If life is just an illusion what is that midget clown doing to my sofa?

A Big Shout or a Little Hale

The weather report is about to be adapted into a new monthly series by Image. Focusing on the adventures of Steve Russett, a roving weather reporter for KRAP TV in West Virginia. In the first issue Steve battles an occluded front and stops Dr Octopus from taking control of an ant farm. Image might be sued by Marvel.

A Woman's Thrush is a Stone's Throw away

Sheikh Mohammed of the UAE wants to write the Fantastic Four and wants to have Sue Storm covered in a Burkha, but with her genitals on display, in what is regarded as a thumbing of the nose at devout Muslims and prudish Americans. "I want her cunt showing in all its glory and her testicles too!" Said the 74 year old Sheikh.

The book comes out in a couple of months.

Rubber Helmet

One of our closest primate relatives, the bonobo, has been shown to voluntarily share comics, scientists report.

This sort of generous behaviour was previously thought by some to be an exclusively human trait.

But a team has carried out an experiment that revealed that bonobos were more likely to choose to share their comics than opt to read alone.

The research is published in the Comics Journal.

Dr Bryan Hobknob from Dyke University, USofA, and Suzy Kuntafromkansasa, a prostitute working at a Bonobo centre for orphaned bonobos in the Democratic Republic of Bonoboland, gave a bored bonobo access to a room with some Spider-Man and Batman comics in it.

This room was adjacent to another two rooms, which the creature could easily see into. One of these rooms was empty while the other contained another bonobo.

After the first bonobo read the reprint of Amazing Spider-Man #129 - the first Punisher - she walked to the other room and handed the comic to another bonobo and grunted (or possibly farted, the mic couldn't get enough clarity). She then returned, picked up a Cerebus telephone directory and began to read that to her children. This astounded scientists as they had not actually left Dave Sim's work in the room, the chimp had purchased it from Amazon with money it had stolen from the cleaning woman.

Damn those monkeys...

The Stars have all got Wee on Them

The worst thing that can happen to a comics company is for their top talent to leave or refuse to finish a project. Consider how it must be for the publisher of Mark Waid's mega selling new title who discovered that the 88 year old writer had tied his arms and legs to a steam ship and was literally slowly ripped to pieces.

Or maybe that was a dream.

Invaded by Piles

Graphic artist Bob Wakelin has recently given up smoking. Good for him.

Next time: fruit loops, banana daiquiris, Vilmos Sigmund, the band of the 4th Royal Dragoons, leotards, velcro flies, petrol head arsonist, under garments, stealth mole, singed minge, scoliosis chips; Jesus bat, rigid plastic containers, documentary film, large obstructions, chip and spin, leech brandy, marmite ripple ice, Lennon and McCarthy, I scream, Barry Roness, I Love New York, anchovy banners, dropsy, a carpaggio of deltas, Viennese fingered and starched whales.