The story so far...

The year is 2009.
The place is New York City.
Comics are bigger than Beyonce's booty and the world's biggest celebrities are fighting over which comic book to endorse.
DC Comics is completely run by very camp homosexuals, apart from transvestite Bob Wayne, who has refused, point-blankly, to take it up the Gary since he's worked there. His one concession is to wear his mother's dress.
Marvel Comics has recently purchased Disney Corpse, Coca Cola and Sony and is attempting to by Zimbabwe, which many believe will cost them considerably less. The company has the biggest selling comics on the planet, with titles such as the Unfathomable X-Men selling 20 to 30 million copies a week.
Dark Horse Comics and Image Comics are both massive players, but the former specialises in Star Wars spin-offs and failure, while the latter produce the world's biggest line of sex comics - with over 200 different titles ranging from straight masturbation manuals to full on paedophile orgies; they secretly rule the world from their deck chairs in Malibu.
There are a group of smaller independent publishers, producing the gross GDP of a small European country and the world is down to its last million hectares of rain forest.
The major players in the comics world for the last 20 years are in fear of their lives from the latest group of hot new talent to arrive on the block, with riots and street fights on Madison Avenue between the young and the old. The old held out, but it won't be long before the new order usurps the old and we see even better comics.
The richest man on the planet is undoubtedly George Lucas and he controls the world's economy from a huge sphere that floats over the Azores. When he isn't doing this he's working on the final trilogy of the Star Wars saga, the first of which, we can announce exclusively, is to be called Star Wars, Part 7: C3P0 Umpires Nude Tennis and takes place 300 years after Luke's death. An outline follows in negative for those of you that hate spoilers:
C3P0 is now emperor of the known galaxy, ably assisted by R2D2, who has had his communications device switched off. C3P0 is obsessed with genitals, so order all fit and attractive young people in the empire to play nude tennis at least 3 times a day, even the Jedi knights. This angers young Stropè Boogar, a Jedi apprentice with an unfeasibly small penis, but massive scrotum into forming a new branch of the Sith. It's up to C3P0 and a new group of sexy Jedis to try and save the empire while simultaneously losing its dignity.
Sounds pretty flaming brilliant, doesn't it? But, we're getting away from the purpose of this re-introduction.
Back in the 90s, a young man called David Scott decided to use the new fangled interweb thingy and produce the world's best infotainment column, and he did with knobs on. By the turn of the century, he was almost as famous as Pope Steve the first and his column was read by over 5 billion people weekly. He was as Godlike as a godlike thing and my name is David Scott!
I've been away; but I'm all better now and over the next million weeks or so I'm going to dazzle you with info about all your favourite everythings. Interviews with the stars, exclusives and more sex than you can shake your crusty member at.

And what about this for an exclusive to kick the week off! Roger Stern is to be released early from prison, after serving only 5 years of his quadruple life sentence for killing 23 Hell's Angels in Pasadena. For those of you with poor or short memories, Stern was driving across California when, unprovoked, he stopped his car and began to tear bikers arms and legs off, ripping their hearts out and generally causing more mayhem than an Auschwitz oven salesman. Well, it seems after tireless work by a team of lawyers, they've proved that it wasn't Stern who committed the murders, but someone who looks a lot like him but as strong as Superman...
I can reveal exclusively that Stern and Superman were lovers back in the late 1980s; it was during Superman's experimental phase, when Frank Miller wanted to do something post-post modern with the character and Phil Jiminez wanted to draw Superman porn. The two men kept their dalliance secret for many years because of the damage it did to Stern's anus. It is now believed he joins Jim Steranko and Neal Adams as yet another old school comics creator with two arseholes. Stern is to set up house in Maine and as soon as I find out where I'll be forwarding the address to all of Roger's celebrity stalkers.

Don't forget to bookmark me again; I want to have a billion readers by Christmas and for the billionth reader I have a very special present lined up - some of Joyce Chen's fecal matter. Yeah baby, I rock!

Next Time: Whales with contraceptives, John Byrne's latest comeback involves intestines, the latest on the George Perez kidnapping mystery, a talk with Marc Silvestri's plastic surgeon and an update from our very own Dr Mark Devereux!