I am in the presence of a true God. David Scott was once probably the most adored human being on the face of the planet. The most glamorous and famous film actors and actresses would willingly go on their knees in public places to pleasure him; politicians invited him to dinner (and probably much more) and he became so revered that he had to have an entire head transplant and go into hiding.
His award-winning News From Earth X was watched by an estimated 400 million people a day and was translated into 700 different languages and dialects. If David Scott said he liked loganberries, then the demand for loganberries would far outstrip the supply. He was a walking one man economy; demigod and everybody loved him. But then it all started to fall apart, at a remarkable speed.
Scott pioneered devastatingly penetrative gossip reporting, revealing facts about the stars that made ones legs go wobbly. He did it in such a lovely fluffy way that the stars loved him because before long it was apparent, if Scott gave you the thumbs up, you were made for life, but if he didn't like you, death by carnivorous intestine beetles would be kinder. Do you remember Ashcroft Mannering? No, neither do I.
Before long his newspaper column had spread to the Internet, cable television, a high-profile BBC series, CDs, DVDs, exercise videos, top class porn - he had his long fingers in every pie. He had high profile friends such as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Stephen Hawking, Hulk Hogan, Judge Judy and Animal from the Muppets and there were articles about how his penis alone could solve world peace. David Scott was bigger than God, more popular than God and was estimated to then be earning almost twice as much money as God. Scott suddenly believed that if he was bigger, better and more popular than God then he therefore must be God. This was the beginning of the fall...
In 2005, his cable news show was dropped and this was followed by his syndicated radio shows, his newspaper columns, his own brand vinegar business and much much more. By the fall of 2006 he was reduced to writing News From Earth X from a free blog site, and yet he was still attracting between 5 and 20 people a day. Then he had his breakdown.
Today, despite having had a fourth face transplant and suffering slightly from gangrenous ears, Scott is both ebullient and reticent about his fall from grace, "Roger Stern was responsible for it; despite him being in a maximum security penal colony off the Virginia coast, he pulled all the strings and saw to it that never worked in infotainment again. The bastard is going to rot in prison, but he's making me rot in a prison of my own." However, there were countless allegations made at Scott, including sexually inclement behaviour, providing sexual favours to minors - his defence was he is dyslexic; extortion, embezzlement, trepidation and custard were also other allegations thrown at him and while he was lucky to escape with a penal sentence of his own, it pushed him over the edge and he was institutionalised at the request of his great grandmother, who had foreseen this happening in 1922, many years before David's birth and had her predictions locked in a safety deposit box in Poughkeepsie. "My great grandmother was a seer and without her input I would have ended up on the sludge pit of life, My time at the place of serenity and tranquillity was important and I learnt to master control over my ejaculations like never before. The idea of returning to infotainment was just not there."
But return he did and now, the new-look, NFEX is about to launch with exclusive stories that would make chimpanzees pee themselves with pleasure.... continues on page 7
Next time: the experiences of a comics professional who had the clip of a Bic pen top inserted into his Jap's eye on ejaculation; what Mark Waid has been doing since his spleen transplant; plus, genuinely, exclusive footage of the wives of famous comics artists in lesbian sex scenes.
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