Free Sex Available Here

Flippy flippy, flippy the nicky nacky noo. Floppy doppy, bingo your log bangaroo.

As a child growing up in Greece, I often wondered why my parents left me there when they went home.

Artu mantu bishtu

What do you think this is, a caravan park?

This Mystery of Edwin Drood that BBC America is showing; it's all made up you know.

Why would a woman want to put a horse's cock in her mouth; you don't see men do that kind of thing.

Growing up in Venezuala, I often wondered why the Greek family who my parents left me with came here and left me.

My sister-in-law willingly walked around her familial house stark bollock naked just to annoy her paedophile father.

Get off of my fucking tank.

Peter King shouldn't be allowed forceps.

Women shouldn't wear white trousers unless they a) are without panties and b) suffering heavy menstrual flow or c) also have their tits out smeared in Marmite with gerbils nibbling their enormous nipples. You can have all three if I can watch you pee in the woods.

I have often considered using a toilet when I am shitting in a baby's mouth, but I never quite get the same strength of erection.

Is it true that Muslims force their women to cut their own eyelids off if they watch The Voice?

I once knew a woman who covered herself in cocktail sticks and then tried to mate with any one. She said it was a great rape deterrant, but so was smearing herself in shit or vomiting on men who talked to her. I tactfully explained that as she weighed 3400lbs, had tits like serving dishes full of calamari and a cunt like Lake Michigan after a party, she wasn't likely to get raped or even experimented on by Nazis.

The woman next door has a body like Venus and a face like Cyrano de Bergerac; she's what my racist father used to call a two bag one sock job. He now calls them his wives.

Masticate

Milk My Heavy Rod

Bickle bockle, bickle bockle.

Sticky, you're so sticky. Sticky stick stick stoo.
Bicky, bocky, micky mocky, sponky donkey.

Whistle up her snatch. Whistle up her snatch.
She could be quite a catch
If she lets you whistle up her snatch.

Loopy. You're so loopy.
Even when you are covered in some gloopy.
You always ask me to watch you having poopy.
And you like your tea all soupy.
Oop oop dee doopy.

Introducing the man who has legs for arms. Watch him stand up twice.

I always thought it was just a huge genital wart.

When you make your stew
be sure to put in some poo
dish it up in bowls made of glue
and call your dinner guests Sue.

Apparently Chinese woman have identical vaginas to most white women.

The scene where Tin Tin sticks his hand up Captain Haddock's arse and rips out his intestines was cut from the final print.

Women priests should't be allowed because God was a misogynist.

There's this frog; it's a mighty frog. It can burrow its way into your eyes and eat your brains.
You can only find it in Sacramento. If you touch its skin you can feel your body change as you turn into a big puddle of female ejaculate.

There I was, naked with Daniel Radcliffe, standing on a beach in Rugby and all he was interested in was how often I masturbated.

You die on Wednesday you cocksucking transvestite paedophile.

Like Shit on Your Fingers

Mr Marchetti was arrested for chanting obscene words at a nail.

The supermodel who urinated on the pope.

Ralph wasn't sure if it stopped there or continued for longer.

He used soap to lubricate my hole.

The girl was so ambiguously abused that her hair began falling out.

You can't really say plippy-ploppy in the High Court.

We are all animals.

Can lard be used as a moisturiser.

I can't quite understand why anyone would want to rub vomit on their breasts.

People are seldom impressed by something that is truly impressive.

You say the idea for this game is to insert the beer can in there and then insert my penis in the beer can.

My mother was the only person who could bring me to orgasm.

Jesus had his peculiarities; he used to fondle worms.

What happens next?

Smearing Beetroot on the Underpants of Life

You can't use your pooh
to make a nice stew
Your baby likes a bowl of curds
not chowing down on your turds
You have to be really thick
to drink your own sick
And remember about cum
it isn't supposed to go up your bum


When creating the atmosphere to allow yourself the pleasure of a massive wank, you must ensure there are objects that turn you on.

Sex with a miner can be dirty work, especially if he likes snorkeling for shit.

Apparently, Grace Jones's mother used Grace Jones when she was a baby as a dildo. Never had a qualm about using Grace's head as a douche.

I've just had a call from Frank Miller who claims he has a dozen chained niggers in his basement and he's going to cut their nipples off unless he gets more respect.

A gay man, a Muslim, a black man, and a disabled lesbian walk into a bar.

According to NASA you can see certain comic book legends' egos from space.

My mate Ralph, who works at the Golder's Green crematorium, was involved in Amy Winehouse's last big burn out. He hatched this plan to remove one of her arms, the one with most tattoos and after a six month gap he would sell it on eBay. However, he managed, with the aid of superglue, nails and a couple of brass screws to fashion her hand into that of a makeshift vagina and he's been banging Amy Winehouse's hand for the last few months. What he finds incredibly sexual is the way her hand is becoming more lubricated the more it rots.

Mega cuisine art mogul Adam Richman is to make a new series for the Filth Channel called Man vs Pooh, in which he challenges various spastics to shit eating competitions.

Mitt Romney has expressed his doubts and downright disgust at anal sex, claiming that people 'must be sick freaks to want to go near something that smells like the Devil's breath mixed with dog shit' and has challenged anal sex lovers all over the world to abstain from turd burgling and concentrate on replenishing Oklahoma's diminishing phlegm banks. He also went on to suggest that it was something more than curiosity to drive people to insert anything that isn't a penis into a vagina, "Why on earth would you want to put a small dog or a prosthetic arm there?"

One time British artist Simon Bisley, who famously bought the Batmobile has now bought Batman's cock, he intends to use it as a pacifier.

Some guy claims nerds are cool, try believing that when you get a mouth full of knob cheese when you give one a blow job.

Custardy, funnelly and endowments.

Yes. Now.

Shit Stained Tea Bagging

He kept me in a box and constantly showed me his comics collection. I prayed for death every night.

The splod of the plid is nodjo.

Shitting in silence.

I knew a girl at high school who used to suck spots until they were ripe to burst then would bite the heads off and smear the pus on her bib. Her name was Stella.

I dream of shadows that can fart.

A black woman walks into a police station and walks to the desk. "I'd like to report a rape," she says in matter of fact tones. The police Sergeant, a kindly looking older chap, turns to her and says, "Where's the victim then you fat ugly nigger bitch?"

"Frankly? I'd kill all gays."

Scientists are developing a bomb that will wipe religion from the planet.

"It was a mixed blessing being rescued by Ms Lane; she helped me from the wreckage of my car crash; gave me water and flashed her cleavage at me to buoy my spirits, but when she started dipping her finger into the puncture wound on my broken leg and smearing it on her eyes that I started to worry. She also asked me if I would take a shit because she was feeling peckish. If this is what it's like being Superman's wife, then I'm glad I'm not gay, or him and he fancied me or just wanted to have casual sex, which obviously I don't, but my address is in the phonebook and I like heat vision used on my scrotum. At least I think I do, I can't say I've tried it, but I'm willing to if that big boy wants to experiment or something. Did I say that out loud?"

Splotty your botty.

News just in of a giant sea monster redecorating the city of Tokyo.

Lod blod.

I've been trying very hard, honest.

Rodney Ramos's famously long penis is in the news again; this time for robbing a drug store in Baltimore.

When Aardvarks Go Bad is Dave Sims's sequel to Cerebus. The famous 300-issue long story of a people carrier with a brain was so popular it spawned no spin-offs and was never read by many people because it was impenetrable racist shit. Sim's new venture is about the porn industry and his desire to be a Muslim woman.

Don't leave that hanging out in the fog!

"How can fat people get so big without their dignity disappearing into a fold? I can smell them when they walk into a room; they get rashes and no one wants to fuck them, unless the person wanting to fuck them is really fat too, or they have some kind of goat fetish. Fat people are worse than paedophiles. Yeah! Yeah, baby!!" - Alan Moore (June, 2011)

If you had a penis as thick as a pencil but as long as your arm how much different would your life be? This is the problem JJ Abrams has had to deal with all his life. However, he isn't Denis Norden.

Typical, you start drinking piss and everyone else wants some.

I have a protective coating.

Offensive? I'll give you offensive! [Holds up a photograph of a yew tree]. Damn you all to hell!

This week's preview screening is of Loud Thang's new film Objects of Motion. It tells no story and is 63 minutes of footage taken from inside a toilet of people having a shit with an Iron Maiden soundtrack and one song from Susan Boyle.

Piffle poffle it's not offal.

Jesus was a shit slurper.

Now Die.

Zomorph My Duckling

According to a good friend, bi-sexuals are 'just mucky buggers' and with logic like that how can you disagree with her?

A famous comicbook artist once said, 'I can't understand homosexuals that want to shove their cocks up each others arses. I mean that's just wrong. Do they have to do it? Can't they just do what normal people do?'

On his conviction for having sex with a seven-year-old nigger child, Mark Waid said, 'But she said she was 21!'

Beau Smith, who famously said, 'the only good Muslim is one stuck on the end of a spike', has never said anything else that anyone took any notice of.

Joyce Chen has had a new vagina carved into her calf.

To reject the call of Jesus is to piss in the face of your mother while beating her around the head with a stick covered in cat shit.

There is nothing dirty about pissing on people; urine comes from the only truly sterile part of a human body. That said, I wouldn't just walk up to someone in the street and piss on them. They might not understand. And frankly, there's nothing worse than walking around town on a cold day with a piss drenched trouser leg.

Women that allow themselves to be fucked by horses live quite normal lives.

Actually, sticking with that theme. Consider this; if you ever fuck a childless woman and it slips in far too easily and after you can put both hands up there and clap - what the fuck has she been putting up there to stretch the edges so much?

I know a man who bottles queefs.

Celebrity Cock Borrowing might be the next big thing. It is estimated that almost 30% of famous people now keep chickens.

With some judicious cutting you could get all four members of Abba into a dustbin; however, you might need an industrial blender.

Sarah Palin might be a disliked woman, but, after a few beers, you probably would, wouldn't you?

'I had sex with the whole of Razorback,' claims 14-year-old Frinton boy.

The only problem with eating a whole cat is its anus.

Don't you find there's something unsettling about transsexuals?

While standing naked on the side of the Materhorn, during the filming of a new film, Holly Vallance miscarried a child she wasn't aware she was expecting. Anti-abortionists in Georgia have called for supporters to kill her.

'The only way I could keep my husband interested in me sexually was to allow him to put insects in my cunt'.

Pop Mhan has such a small penis.

'Your neighbour wasn't a zombie and no it isn't a good excuse for putting a bullet in his head.'

Like horses, Alice Cooper shits wherever he feels he needs to and is followed around by a horde of mutant dung beetles.

Is that Prune Juice or are you Just having a Wank?

Orange Otis

Bindweed souffle and chips twice, please luv and make it snappy.

My uncle was a frog and I don't mean he was French.

Would the Incredible Hulk go to heaven?

My brother made icing using his jizzum.

Your mouth is full of junk.

The adult nappy is a necessity for some men.

He is the gerbil up Richard Gere's bottom.

Ring that minge, baby.

That woman made a stew out of baby spew.

It is the kebab of broken dreams.

Can you have a vegan copraphiliac?

You try cutting a lamb's leg off and then successfully stuffing it up its arse.

Ever wondered what a blow job from a suckling baby would be like?

And in this bucket I have some stagnant amneotic fluid.

If you are serious about becoming a lesbian then you can borrow the car.

Why is the water used in hair products called aqua?

His burning desire was to train as a womb scratcher.

There's always the aroma of soiled panties.