Shit Stained Tea Bagging

He kept me in a box and constantly showed me his comics collection. I prayed for death every night.

The splod of the plid is nodjo.

Shitting in silence.

I knew a girl at high school who used to suck spots until they were ripe to burst then would bite the heads off and smear the pus on her bib. Her name was Stella.

I dream of shadows that can fart.

A black woman walks into a police station and walks to the desk. "I'd like to report a rape," she says in matter of fact tones. The police Sergeant, a kindly looking older chap, turns to her and says, "Where's the victim then you fat ugly nigger bitch?"

"Frankly? I'd kill all gays."

Scientists are developing a bomb that will wipe religion from the planet.

"It was a mixed blessing being rescued by Ms Lane; she helped me from the wreckage of my car crash; gave me water and flashed her cleavage at me to buoy my spirits, but when she started dipping her finger into the puncture wound on my broken leg and smearing it on her eyes that I started to worry. She also asked me if I would take a shit because she was feeling peckish. If this is what it's like being Superman's wife, then I'm glad I'm not gay, or him and he fancied me or just wanted to have casual sex, which obviously I don't, but my address is in the phonebook and I like heat vision used on my scrotum. At least I think I do, I can't say I've tried it, but I'm willing to if that big boy wants to experiment or something. Did I say that out loud?"

Splotty your botty.

News just in of a giant sea monster redecorating the city of Tokyo.

Lod blod.

I've been trying very hard, honest.

Rodney Ramos's famously long penis is in the news again; this time for robbing a drug store in Baltimore.

When Aardvarks Go Bad is Dave Sims's sequel to Cerebus. The famous 300-issue long story of a people carrier with a brain was so popular it spawned no spin-offs and was never read by many people because it was impenetrable racist shit. Sim's new venture is about the porn industry and his desire to be a Muslim woman.

Don't leave that hanging out in the fog!

"How can fat people get so big without their dignity disappearing into a fold? I can smell them when they walk into a room; they get rashes and no one wants to fuck them, unless the person wanting to fuck them is really fat too, or they have some kind of goat fetish. Fat people are worse than paedophiles. Yeah! Yeah, baby!!" - Alan Moore (June, 2011)

If you had a penis as thick as a pencil but as long as your arm how much different would your life be? This is the problem JJ Abrams has had to deal with all his life. However, he isn't Denis Norden.

Typical, you start drinking piss and everyone else wants some.

I have a protective coating.

Offensive? I'll give you offensive! [Holds up a photograph of a yew tree]. Damn you all to hell!

This week's preview screening is of Loud Thang's new film Objects of Motion. It tells no story and is 63 minutes of footage taken from inside a toilet of people having a shit with an Iron Maiden soundtrack and one song from Susan Boyle.

Piffle poffle it's not offal.

Jesus was a shit slurper.

Now Die.