Women who Urinate while Standing

The Butterfly in your Large Intestine

Mark Millar's decision to remain as lead writer on Marvel's new Captain America series has not gone without notice. Millar, 51, of Scotland, had already caused controversy by announcing that the new Captain America would be an openly camp gay male, who was 'just as prone to scratching your eyes out as giving you a good kicking', according to Millar's young female assistant, Astrid.
Once the New York Times picked up on the story all hell broke loose on the noticeboards and forums throughout the Interweb. However, Millar hit back by sending Astrid for an interview with the Daily Bugle. The young female assistant has this to say about the controversy; "Look, it's not like this is going to be an R rated comic. Yes, the new Stevie Rogers will wear some pink and he will be sensitive and kind to animals and he will, occasionally find himself sexually aroused in the presence of a really fit supervillain, but all of this will be to his advantage; especially with some of those oh-so sexually ambiguous new super baddies that Mark has invented."
This could be where some of the outrage is centred on. Millar's new Cap nasties will include Jap's Eye, Ballbreaker, Rimmer, the Felchmaster and a new, as yet un-named gaylord of crime. Gay Times called it an outrage, claiming it set back gay rights 2000 years, especially as Stevie Rogers, drawn by notoriously closeted gay shirtlifter Frank Cho, will look like a Tom of Finland creation. Ira Lardon, someone in the Gay Times office at the time we sent someone there, said, "The problem with Captain America is he's an American icon, not a gay icon. I just get a bad taste in my mouth thinking about it; I obviously also get a massive erection and go cruising for like minded men for anal sex, but that's because there's something wrong with my chromosomes."
Marvel has been suspiciously quiet about this product and justifiably so as they are now firmly placing their penis of intent in the anus of DC's most sacred pastures. Bob Wayne said, "Why do you always ask me the gay questions? Not everyone at DC is homosexual,... Well, I'm not, but they need me to be able to talk to people who live further south than Washington. DC thinks its deplorable that Marvel should be allowed to do this with such a prominent and popular character. At least they're keeping the cum shots to a minimum, so Phil will be pleased about that. Phil has a real thing about escaped jizzum."
The last word however went to Astrid, who after several Martinis and a few pints of Guinness admitted that the gay Captain America story was a ruse and Cap just poses as a gay man so he can infiltrate the Gay Men Who Want to Rule the World Club and kill all the fundamentalist gay terrorists, of which, apparently, most gay men belong to.

Lemon Territory

The latest in IDW's new educational line is released in January. How to Wipe your Ass is designed for people who struggle to wipe their behinds. The young girl called Emma who answered the telephone was very helpful, even down to explaining in great detail her boss's cock and how she has to suck it twice a day or she'll lose her $75 a week job. What she didn't want us to repeat was that her boss makes her dress up as a little boy and refuses to have sex with her until she grows a penis.

Lunch with Mary

Remember one-time Man-Thing artist Val Mayerik? Well, despite people believing him to be dead, he isn't and he's been retired for the last 20 years. He did however kill Sal Trapani over the correct use of the word 'yoni' and disguised the body to look like his own. Man-Thing was unavailable for comment.

Keep the Black ones Penned in

Racism raises it's ugly head again in DC's Black Lightning series, as Black Lightning begins a one-man reign of terror on two Chinese, a Hispanic and a Swedish family in Milwaukee; claiming that America is a country for niggers and honkies only. Tony Isabella isn't writing it and wasn't asked if he wanted to. He believes it was because he is black.

Next: A sturgeon is chosen to write The Hulk; a tumour is discovered in Janet Jackson's shoe; several pounds of plastic explosive have been surreptitiously implanted in Scott Lobdell's teeth; Lex Luthor believes he might be made up and sticking with this theme, Erica Durance claims she has considerably better tits than the real Lois Lane; people with brass lungs tend to die quickly; Linsner's back with Dawn: Fisting and Fanny Farting; Warren Ellis writes a noir crime thriller for the retarded; Joyce Chen's vaginal plaster cast mold; the extent that Roy Thomas will go to ensure that Stan Lee's missing prostate gland is found; several pounds of tea have been mistaken for Aaron Weisenfeld and a picture of either a man or a famous female comics artist called Gail Simone's pubic hair - and trust us when we say, she's a bit of a baldy and there's no Imac in sight!