DC's hostile takeover bid to try and buy Finch's Electricals on the Edgeware Road, in Harrow, has backfired, with the Middlesex-based company turning the tables and attempting to buy the struggling comics company by offering Warner Bros. execs free DVD players with bluetooth headsets.
John Finch, son of the owner, said, "We're throwing in a load of Scandinavian and Balkan gay porn films, we should own Superman by the end of the week. One of the first things I intend to do is write Superman and change his name to Superior Man and his secret identity to John Finch, electrical engineer by day, cool dude at other times." John Finch is 16, he works in the shop on Saturdays and school holidays.
Aluminium Doorstep
The big Marvel news this week is the release of Batman #1. When asked by reporters about the probable legal implications of releasing this particular comic, Joey said, "So, you don't want to hear about Superman #1, Wonder Woman #1, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, Justice League of America and Blue Devil number ones, then?" The gathered press looked stunned...
"Look, we fucking own everything, if not legally then morally. DC has been shit for years; it's run by a bunch of gay cowboys with less combined talent than I have in one of my fecal stools. We're just going to do it right."
"When approached, Bob Wayne hid behind a palm tree and only spoke through a third party, "We sent a lawyer over there last week but he disappeared and we had the Danish pastries returned, uneaten. We might have to go to court over this one, but we're a little concerned about bias on the part of the judge, Supreme Justice Ralph Disney. Now, please go away, I have need to urinate and I won't do it in front of you."
Back at Joey's Deli, the fat man was inserting matchsticks up his nose using just his tongue; the press were eating from in between his toes. "Marvel's Batman will be the one everyone will remember in 467 years time. Our Batman focuses on Brad Wayne, a young street punk who gets bitten by a radioactive mutant bat, while his godparents are brutally murdered by a man that plays deadly practical jokes with fish. We don't need no stinking Jim Lee."
What's Superman about? Cried a voice in the wilderness.
"We wanted to do something really different with Superman, so we changed his costume slightly and Clark Kent is now MC-K and is a Metropolis DJ working for Radio Planet . He's cool and everyone knows he's Superman except his parents. His major villain is a bald guy with loads of money called Les."
Collagen Enema
Dark Horse, always at the forefront of world comics, is to adapt the world famous cartoon from Belarus, пятно. It tells of the philosophical musings of a black spot on a silk shirt belonging to a well-to-do lady. Regarded by many as the ultimate comic book experience, it is regarded by others as complete and utter wank.
An Admiration for VSPs
Despite having sold more comics than a dairy sells milk; Mark Waid is about to embark on a personal quest of his own after announcing he was taking a break from comics to go in search of his original penis.
Waid discovered recently that when he was 6, his parents had his abnormally large penis removed, for the safety of everyone, and replaced with the penis of a 5 year old child that died in a tragic drowning accident - after accidentally setting fire to his child, Hank Cunstrum of Widge, Idaho, threw his son, Ralph, into a very deep lake, but forgot to take the child's callipers off, so the weight dragged him to his death.
The recipient of Waid's penis is currently serving 27 life sentences for aggravated rape, kidnap, attempted murder and flashing; all charges happening since he received Waid's penis.
"It's not like I want it back or anything," said Waid from his floating sky mansion, "I'd just like to see how its done without me. I don't expect we'll be going out to dinner, but I think we can... iron out some of the problems that have grown between us."
Scottish Lager?
Alan Moore has been issued with an ASBO after repeatedly attempting to turn his neighbour into a frog and performing lewd acts against the man's privet hedge. "I don't care how popular he is. I found him trying to suck the eyeballs out of my Yorkshire terrier and he was chanting about some fucking goddess of light who will take away the dark. If the man wasn't so big and weird looking I'd call him a big poof. He hangs around with darkies too."
The local ASBO shop refused to comment, but one of them said, off the record, that they were thrilled to have someone of Moore's stature on their books. "He brings a whole new meaning to ASBOs; business is expected to boom!"
Titular handclappings
The industry is still reeling from the news that Erik Larsen has died at his home; good money was that the 54 year-old artist would die in a prostitutes bed in East LA. One bookmaker claims they could end up with profits in the hundreds of millions of dollars, especially as Marc Silvestri had all but assured investors that Larsen had been having so many palpitations during oral sex with a specific prostitute called Slack Alice that he didn't expect he was live to see the next watermelon harvest.
Larsen's wife was unavailable to comment, but Savage Dragon sent a communique to us via electronic wizardry, "The news came as a shock to me, but I'm now free to find an artist who actually draws me like I look."
Savage Dragon currently hosts Celebrity Squares for the CW.
Pro-Celebrity Bukakke or Bukkakeru
Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes never said it, but, boy do them jiggaboos sing and dance. Image Comics is to produce an entire series based on the history of breakdancing.
Raster My Quim
Pretty much every copy of Marvel's latest blockbuster has been bought up, prompting the world's largest company to go back to the printers for 2nd printings. The book, which came out last month, is one of the company's new line and was not expected to be as successful as it turned out, with an initial print run of only 15,000,000. A further 10,000,000 copies are being printed with the cover logo in red instead of the initial blue. A spokesman for Marvel said they were delighted with the reaction. "All of us here at Marvel are delighted with the reaction," he said.
Lipids
Hellgirl Burlesque Porn Extravaganza in 3D is further proof that Mike Mignola has sold out big time.
Duck Balls
Georges Jeanty would like people to stop going on about the fact he once worked with retards before getting into comics. "It's really depressing, y'all. I had tu wipe their asses for thim, ma drawn finger was alaways covered in sheeit. I like drawing them comics, I do."
Oo-er, Missus
Fantagraphics is releasing Dave Cooper's new book The Times I Had Sex with God which could cause outrage in the Christian church because of the fact the book's protagonist actually has a love affair with the omnipresent one. When asked to explain his book to a confederation of church people in Utah, Cooper masturbated furiously and quickly climaxed; he then gathered up his spent seed and began to wipe it in the eyes of the nuns. Remarkably, this obscenity was greeted with a round of applause and one young girl defecated on a man of God's shoe. People didn't approach Cooper because he was still grinning.
Next time: the story I forgot mid-sentence; DC attempts to hit back at Marvel in the face of a massif takeover bid, new titles include 22 top secret projects and a leaked plan for the office Christmas party; Andrew Wildman discovers he's only given employment because some people think he has a cute arse; a frank and sometimes painfully erotic interview with a young Polish girl, who may or may not have been married to pal Joey; and will you have this dance?
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